NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 124: "MOMMY, MY ARM'S GONE ALL FLOPPY"
This Week:
* Plant life - Cactus Rap
* Outrage - Gay sailors for kids
* Swearing - Flintsones vs. Raging Bull
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 124 - 27 Feb 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue124/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA T-SHIRTS AND BADGES
Buy them in our lovely lovely shop.
Stuck to know what to buy your partner for
their birthday? Get them a B3ta t-shirt.
This is quality schmutter - not your cheaply
printed crap most websites sell.
We do international orders and we're working
with a professional distribution company so you
can be certain everything will be kosha.
http://www.b3ta.com/shop/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Stuff and nonsense
>> Pricklers with attitude <<
Rapping cacti! Mushybees returns with the
second in what we can only assume is an ongoing
animated series with a foul-mouthed cockney
cactus father-son duo. "Not entirely sure it's
worth the wait," he faffs. We absolutely disagree.
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/dirty.sanchez/cack02....
>> Happy poster project <<
Manic is a man on a mission. He wants to spread
smiles and happiness through the entire world.
You can help him out by displaying one of his
lovely, happy animal posters in your window.
We're particularly fond of the elephant in
a wheelbarrow. It looks demented.
http://www.bloggerheads.com/happy/
>> Skateboard-slide arm-break action <<
Nineclicks writes, "I have a video of my
friend breaking his arm" while arseing around on
a slide. Ouch, looks painful, but our
cameraman is admirably unbothered by other
people's pain. "I also made a cartoon version
in Flash," he boasts.
http://www.nineclicks.com/videos/armsnap.wmv
>> Cheese + cat = starfish <<
Don't reverse the polarities, is the moral of
this sorry animated tale by SiX. Or don't feed
cheese to cats. Or watch out for evil starfish.
Actually, we aren't actually sure what it means,
but it's saying it with authority.
http://www.apsq07.dsl.pipex.com/web/Flash/Animatio...
>> Official rules of stealing lighters <<
Lighter theft: It's wrong, it's foolish, nobody
means to do it. But dear God, it happens anyway.
In a last-ditch effort to end the madness, young
Jamie Bell has devised an official set of rules,
to regulate this barbaric trade. Do not go out
tonight without reading this electrifying document.
http://www26.brinkster.com/tartpumper/lighter.html
-------------------------------------------------
: TOP TIPS BITES BACK
Coke can shake test
Last week, we advised readers who had dropped
soft drink cans to give them a sharp tap before
opening them. This would, we were informed,
spare the unlucky drinker from a foamy doom.
We weren't prepared for the masses of people
wanting to debunk us.
Thomas Scott writes, "This morning, me and my
friends tested the top tip from this week's
newsletter. We took video, too. It includes
me getting sprayed with a ridiculous amount
of cola. Oh, and there's a ninja." Were we
talking shit, then? Find out here.
http://www.thomasscott.net/fizz
Special thanks to Brandon and to Newwhit, who
carried out their own scientific analysis.
Good work, but no ninja.
-------------------------------------------------
: BOOK OF THE MONTH
Hello Sailor
Daily Mail journalists! Read this bit. We've
found something to wind up Middle England.
"Hello Sailor" is a book for children about
a gay man who lives on a lighthouse and
misses his sea-fairing boyfriend.
Hooray. Let's have moral panic.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/033399290...
BTW: Found a weird book on Amazon other
than "A Hand in the Bush"? Then tell us.
C'mon. It'll be just like Oprah.
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA RADIO
Unusual petnames
This week we're talking about amusingly named
pets. Yay. Tune in - or miss the greatest
radio known to man.
http://b3ta.com/questions/petnames/
You can learn more about B3ta Radio and how
to tune in here:
http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> I fucked a Realdoll <<
You've seen the Realdolls. Every wondered
what it's like to fuck one? Read this
enthusiastic and witty bit of gonzo journalism.
http://www.nerve.com/regulars/ididitforscience/sex...
>> GI Joe dubbed with silly voices <<
We've featured fenslerfilm's stuff before, but
it's still making us hyperventilate like
treefrogs on laughing gas. This one features
a small boy being shut in a fridge. Wicked.
http://www.fenslerfilm.com/movies/PSAsmall/Fensler...
>> World's Sickest Videos <<
You know cheesy clips that show the home videos
of people falling over? This guy has taken the
cheery links and mixed them with gruesome shots
of people being killed. The juxtaposition is
inventive but not for the easily offended.
http://www.google2004.com/promowin.html
>> Fucking Flintstones <<
More pirate video mixing here. Taking the dialogue
from Raging Bull and overlaying it on childhood
favourites, Fred, Barney and Wilma. Surprisingly
effective and amusing.
http://www.media.ebaumsworld.com/index.php
>> Rubbish video synth <<
We love this motion capture device from the 1960s,
which converts a dancer's movements into spazzy
stickman animation. Make sure you click the poster
at the bottom of the page. Maybe we're geeky, but
it made us hoot with joy.
http://www.audiovisualizers.com/toolshak/vidsynth/...
>> 3D Gay Chat <<
The online cottaging market has been dominated
by Gaydar for too long. Now there's a new contender
for the throne. Actually, to be honest this is shit
- but we love it for the keys W and J. Load up,
and try them out.
http://www.zuerigay.ch/world/e/flash.php
>> MP3 of the week <<
"One of my scum mates called Camerhill", writes
Paul Easton, "has written a charming little ditty
called Rape Van." Blimey. We really like this.
Melodic and offensive - shame it's just too
damn rude for our radio show.
http://www.camerhill.dsl.pipex.com/music/rapevan.m...
>> Russian Kilroy <<
Russia makes the cheapest and nastiest TV in
the world. Check out this fight from their
equivalent of Ricky Lake. TV Producers! We want
a "worst Russian TV show" now. Including clips
from the legendary ambulance chasing show where
camera crew + police scanner = TV gold.
http://www.december23rd.nl/po_nosu_nagievu.wmv
>> Zombie game <<
Pixel goodness and lots of blood. What more could
you want from a zombie web game?
http://www.monsterland.se/crunchtime/
>> Satanic messages <<
Listen to Stairway to Heaven backwards. The
satanic messages are actually rather convincing.
Must kill our parents now.
http://www2.memlane.com/jmilner/stairwaybackwards....
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Baby Kestrels and Owls
Yay. The expressions on these little birds faces
are priceless. Although they appear to be messy
eaters tho.
http://www.weirfield.co.uk/ouranimals/BabyKestrel&...
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Software We Really Need Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted software that people actually
really, really need:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/softwarethatwereallyneed...
We asked B3ta boarder 'Mrs Vulga' to judge the
entries - here are her 3 faves.
Mrs Vulga writes -
#1 "Tony Hawks' Mo Slater 4 - when can we play???
It's very well put together and I want this now.
(Mr Snuggly)
http://b3ta.com/board/2783121
#2 "MC Spammer - this made me laugh far too much.
(Biscuits Alive)
http://b3ta.com/board/2800768
#3 "Acrobat Fluff Maker - we all need something to
make things fluffy, and this is it. Well shopped
with many subtleties." (mushybees)
http://b3ta.com/board/2777268
"Oh, and special mention must go to DedlyMonkey for
the sheer cheek of this entry."
http://b3ta.com/board/2777755
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, B3ta contributor 'witty ditty' gave us
the suggestion, "Rear Window"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/rearwindow/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CRAP BIDDING FOR TEA HOLIDAY - last week
Badhorsey asked for a free holiday in America.
Unsurprisingly, the bids stayed rather low.
http://snipurl.com/4mmo
* FRIENDLY TV ANECDOTES - in issue 92 of the
newsletter we reported on hapless Friendly
TV channel, infamous for the "open mike
during a commercial" incident. We didn't
realise quite how bad the channel was.
http://www.nascr.net/~rgwill/friendlytv.htm
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* KITTEN THERAPY - a new type of healing
based upon cheering up patients by showing
them pictures of kittens. We think we've
stumbled onto something here - it works.
* PAEDO TERRORISTS - a Marilyn Manson
style pop shocker for the new
millennium.
* HITLER SIEG SIEG REVOLUTION - make Adolf
dance to a J-Pop version of Ode To Joy and
Wagner. Oh, and lay out the keys in the
shape of a swastikka.
Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson and Fraser Lewry.
Links sent in by Chairman Hieronymous
Goodchild, Roland Maguire and Paul Easton.
Top Tippery by jeffcapeshop.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
Proofing by the precocious b4ta brats. (72365)
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
Tired of toilet splashback?
Worried about the hygiene issues?
Simply form a small nest of toilet paper and place
this in the base of the bowl before commencing
evacuation. Your faeces will be gently lowered into
the water and you will not be submitted to reverse
Chinese water torture.
