NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 125: "SANDWICH OF THE GOD"
This Week:
* PHOTOS - Biggest sandwich ever
* TOY - Make your photos jiggle
* ANIMS - New shit from Weebl & Rathergood
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 125 - 05 Mar 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue125/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: B3TA T-SHIRTS GET YOU NOTICED
by beautiful people on the Tube
theWooinator writes -
"I was sat on the tube today proudly sporting my
new b3ta threads and a girl opposite me started
mouthing 'woo' and then 'yay' to me. It took me
ages to work out what she was saying and I felt
really self-conscious. When I realised, she got
off the tube.
"She looked a bit like a Britney. So, yeah, she
was hot. It only lasted for two stops on the
Central Line but I'd love for her to get in
touch."
Aha! We hope she does sir. And to everyone else
reading this. If you see someone wearing a b3ta
shirt then say hello. You never know - you might
make a new bum friend.
Anyway. Buy our shirts. They're lucky.
http://www.b3ta.com/shop/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Massive sandwich, jiggles and escalator fun
>> Biggest fucking sandwich ever <<
We envy Dan405 for he is blessed. This week,
he bought a loaf of common white bread and found
it to be sliced not vertically but horizontally,
thus giving him the biggest slices of bread
ever created by blade of poorly-set-up
machine. He's used this gift to create a sandwich
fit for the gods. It's a thing of wonder.
http://www.danontherun.com/sandwich.htm
>> Jiggle joy <<
"I've made a jiggle machine," writes JBoom,
"So let your imagination run wild, go dig up
some amusing pictures and animate them from
the comfort of your armchair. OK, so most of you
are obviously going to be jiggling filthy porn,
but that's just fine." Great stuff. We haven't had
a good interactive toy for a while. So here's one
we made earlier.
http://snipurl.com/4wfp
>> Underground mayhem <<
"Recently me and my mates attended a posh
dinner thing at the Tower of London," writes
Elliott Ingram, "It ended early so we were up
for a bit of pissing around on the Tube. I filmed
it all on my phone." Wow. These guys slide
down the central bit of a really long escalator.
Er... and then they fall off. Woo.
http://www.bornsloppy.co.uk/Underground%20Mayhem%2...
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: BOOK OF THE MONTH
Saying Goodbye to Daddy
Mums! Hard time dealing with the recent death of
your partner? Why not break it to the kids in the form
of a picture book?
Right wing columnists! There could be a feature
in this for you. "You couldn't make it up - it's
political correctness gone mad etc..."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/080757253...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Smittens! <<
Some ideas are so perfect that we find
evidence of God in man's own creativity. Ladies
and gentlemen, we bring you smittens: The
two-wristed glove for people in love. Wonderful.
http://www.smittens.biz/what.html
>> Mario tragimation <<
There's an anim scene on the web centered
round taking visuals from old computer games
and telling stories. Now normally, the work is
pretty unsatisfying to anyone whose sense
of humour has developed beyond, "Look! He's
made Sonic say W00t!" This is an entirely
different kettle of fish. Epic.
http://www.deviantart.com/view/5142652/
>> Ivor the Engine cut-out-and-keep <<
The Welsh are famous for two things: Lost
kangaroos skipping round the mountains and
Catherine Zeta-Jones eating her own shit live
on Japanese TV. Oh and kiddy telly classic,
Ivor the Engine. Now you can make your own
mini Ivor using only a colour printer and
some scissors. Oh go on. It'll be a nice
talking point for your desk.
http://www.smallfilms.co.uk/ivor/makeivor.htm
>> Hacking TV <<
You know those text announcements that scroll
across the screen on cable TV? They've been
hacked. The joy is the juxaposition of an
oblivious newscaster and the juvenile jibing
of the words.
http://forum.soundillusions.net/showthread.php
>> Crappy old public information films <<
"POLISH A FLOOR AND PUT A RUG ON IT? You might
as well set a mantrap!" Ah, the often-terrifying
advice of UK government-sponsored short films,
designed to stop us being pedoed by perverts
or run over by the ice-cream man. This
selection of clips is a nostalgic treasure trove.
http://www.625.uk.com/pifs/library.htm
>> Jesus returns. Makes website. <<
Meet Ted R. Kurts. He set up a software company
called Quest.com. Doesn't work there now though.
Why not? He sold up when he realised he was Jesus.
You'll be pleased to know he's started work on
the third testament of the Bible and you can read
it online. His writings on sex are somewhat more
specific than the earlier works. He's against sex
"doggie-style" and pro virgin brides. Sounds like
fun. Wonder if he needs some disciples?
http://www.tedjesuschristgod.org/tjcgttb/tjcgttb_i...
>> When bears attack <<
Whenever we stick a funny video clip in the
newsletter we feel sorry for the poor writers
who work on shows like You've Been Framed.
What the hell are you meant to say? The
cliches come so easily: "They say never to
work with children or animals..." Look, it's
a grizzly bear twatting some poor woman in
the face live on TV. Fuck everything else:
Entertainment doesn't get better than this.
http://www.media.ebaumsworld.com/index.php
>> Accidental video game porn <<
Recently we've found it harder and harder
to get off on conventional filth: donkeys munching
girl cock is just getting dull. Thank God for this
then: The occasional sighting of unintentionally
erotic scenes in computer games. Clockwork Jesus!
Our mancumbers could cut a diamond!
http://www.ocf.berkeley.edu/~derekyu/pr0n/gallery....
>> Scissors Paper Stone - Pro Edition <<
Ever thought that Scissors Paper Stone was
little limited? Why not extend your game
with a lizard, or Spock from Star Trek? Er...
We haven't been able to remember all the rules
on this - but we're impressed that developers
are still working to bring innovation into
the moribund hand-based gaming scene.
http://www.samkass.com/theories/RPSSL.html
>> Tricksy ball game <<
Manflaps, this is tough. Sort the blue
and red balls to either side of the screen.
It's possibly a complex metaphor for racial
harmony, suggesting that people of different
colours should live in different parts of
the world. Ban this sick filth now.
http://www.collegemix.com/content.php
>> Rodent eradicator <<
It looks like a metal detector and it kills
ground squirrels. Er... So why are we linking to
it? To celebrate the marketing stupidity of
putting a really cute fluffy gopher at the top
of the page. Doh. Don't personify the enemy
- demonise them. We want nazi gophers fucking
the corpses of our wives. No, really - we do!
http://www.rodenator.com/
>> Pingu game history <<
Unless you've had your clicking finger
lodged up a sparrow's anus for the past
month, you can't have avoided the penguin
tossing game and its many variants. This
site collects them together and has a
reasonable overview of the history. Does
a better job than the official press release,
which is whimsical to the point of utter
unintelligibility.
http://penguin.omnihosts.net/
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: B3TA RADIO
Have you ever started a fire?
This week we asked if you've ever made something
burn that you shouldn't have. And what a bunch of
fucking pyros you all turned out to be.
http://b3ta.com/questions/fire_burny_ouch_ouch/
You can learn more about b3ta radio and how
to tune in here:
http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/
BTW: We've invited Wayne Hussey of The
Mission UK into the studio for a chat and to
play some songs in April. So listen out for
that. Oh, and if Robert Smith or Bill Drummond
is out there then get in touch! Some say we're
using the radio show as an excuse to meet
our teenage heroes and they'd be damn well right.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Awards, hats, solubility and unhappy singledom
>> Weebl and Bob AWARDS <<
Jonti has had a tough old week. He's been trying
to sort out his mortgage and the broker has pissed
off on holiday and left it in chaos. Anyway -
he loves his fans so he's still found time to
make a new episode of his increasingly sophisticated
but satisfyingly puerile series. Key bit? "I love
you small twig."
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/awards.htm
>> Girlie hat <<
"Hat hat hat hat hat hat hat hat," sings Olly,
"I've made a hat." He certain has, and rather
special it is too. Made entirely of FHM shots
of glamourous girl-ladies all cut to a stylish
Greek fisherman shape. Grrrrrrrreat.
http://snipurl.com/4kbh
>> Rathergood soluble song <<
Joel has been considering how his life would be
different if his body became soluble. He's
put his fears to music to communicate this
foolish notion to the world. So don't throw
a bucket of water over him and singing "ding
dong the witch is dead" - mmkay?
http://www.rathergood.com/soluble/
>> Depressing animation <<
"Hey," writes Geoff, "my name's Geoff and I made this.
It's autobiographics." Oh dear. You poor love.
Come here and sit on uncle b3ta's knee - just
don't tell Mum. It'll be our little secret.
http://substanceoverform.com/images/oldandsingle/o...
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Bats
Bats are phat. At night they're scary and
get tangled in your hair and fly into spy
planes, but by day they look all defenceless
and pathetic.
Ooh, and you can adopt them too. An ideal
gift for the goth in your life.
http://www.batworld.org/adopt_a_bat/adopt_a_bat.ht...
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Rear Window Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted to see what was out your
rear windows, and frankly we're scared:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/rearwindow/
We asked B3ta boarder 'The Mighty Gusset' to
judge the entries - here are his 3 faves.
The Mighty Gusset writes -
#1 "Different sort of window - Sorry, but this
is still raising a laugh - the outright winner!
(Wombat Joe)
http://b3ta.com/board/2808059
#2 "Third time's a charm - Just plain silly really,
this has all the classic ingredients. (partypaul)
http://b3ta.com/board/2823698
#3 "Mr Matisse loved his cat - gains third place
for the cunning use of Art." (pyrogenius)
http://b3ta.com/board/2826160
"Honorary mention must go to Nebby for judicious
use of the Nolan Sisters."
http://b3ta.com/board/2814806
>> This Weeks Challenge <<
This week, the Challenge Dictator wanted to know
how to "Get Rich Quick":
http://b3ta.com/challenge/getrichquick/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* RATHERGOOD US TV DOMINATION - anyone in the
States can't have missed Joel's Quiznos TV
commercial. It's based upon the "We Like
The Moon" animation we launched in this very
newsletter last year. We've been very amused
by the reaction it's been getting. US radio
boss John Hogan has denounced it as "obscene"
and "oozing sexuality", whilst some Quiznos
shop owners have taken out newspaper ads
disassociating themselves from the work. This
is not to say it's bad. This is - to use
a crappy media term - noisy. Joel has done good
on a scale that's really quite staggering.
Read this overview and remember - it started
on b3ta.
http://snipurl.com/4wm5
* EVERYTHING'S BETTER WITH SPEPPER - couple
of weeks ago we claimed that Spepper, a
pre-blended mix of salt and pepper, was the
"end of civilisation as we know it." The
manufacturers got in touch and sent us some
samples. And we have to say - this stuff
isn't half bad. Bah, wrong again. Next week, er,
er, the Porsche 911 - the "end of civilisation
as we know it"?
http://www.originalspepper.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* KITTU THE ESKIMOG - an animated series about
a teeny weeny cat living in Greenland. Each
day he has to break thru the ice to catch
fish. And sometimes he has snowball fights
with ice monkeys.
* BILL ODDIE TRANCE ODYSSEY - a techno track
featuring lots of tweeting bird call. And
a video starring a lass with big tits.
* SPACKERCOCKS - two dribbing cum-truncheons
and their mongy misadventures in the
cut-throat world of childrens' TV.
Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by Insaneiain, Darren Kinder,
Campbell Tyler Damian Schofield,
Paul Robinson, and Andy Wells.
Top Tippery by Sam Betts.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
Proofing by the supine b4ta bovines. (72299)
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TOP TIP:
If someone has left a smell most evil in your
bog, simply take a couple of sheets of toilet
paper, light it and chuck it down the bowl just
before it gets too dangerous to hold any more.
The smell of burning will instantly cancel out
the smell of anus, and it won't smoke much
either. Alternatively, light a match.
