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This Week:
* CELEB SWEARS - DLT says "cunt"
* VIDEO - petrol in a water pistol
* B3TA RADIO - Now with agony aunt

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 136 - 21 May 2004

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  Grandads, Leopards, ObCom, Newspapers & Cocks

  >> Flying grandad <<
  "Hello there it's Mr Fancyteeth", writes the
  enigmatic King of Enigmas, Mr FancyTeeth,"
  I've done this animation for the newsletter.
  It's all about my grandad." Hmm. Unless 
  your grandad could fly, we doubt that very
  much. This week's Monkeon award for the
  most barking idea goes to...

  >> Leopardy Jeopardy <<
  Last week we asked you to create a game
  called Leopardy Jeopardy mostly because we
  liked the name. However Andy Shan has come
  through in spades. You'll need to grab
  someone from the office to play with you.
  Unless, like in Fight Club, you have some
  sort of super-competitive alter-ego to
  press the Z key while you're asleep.

  >> Observational Comedy - The Truth <<
  "Here is an old animation I wrote," ejaculates
  Robin Ince, "as part of a series of comedy
  world parodies." Blimey. This is good stuff,
  written clearly by a man with deeply
  ambivalent opinions about the stand-up comedy
  industry. BTW: It's very long, so brew a
  cup of tea and take a piss before sitting down
  and having a watch.

  >> Local newspaper mocked! <<
  Let's face it: 'local' is always synonymous
  with 'shit'. Peter Donaldson has just discovered
  the joys of his local free newspaper, the South
  Wales Echo, and holds it up proudly for your

  >> Most obscene animation ever <<
  Ben Wheatley sent us this animation a couple
  of weeks ago. We managed 15 seconds before
  going, "I don't want to see dancing cocks
  and meaty vulvas pulsating to a drum'n'bass
  remix of Ohio Express's 1968 hit, 'Yummy,
  Yummy, Yummy, I got love in my tummy.'"
  Then Ben turned up at B3ta HQ and
  threatened to kill us and use our flayed
  flesh to create a new animation. WARNING:
  this is freaky, not safe for work and
  frankly the work of a serial killer
  playing with his food.


  Time-Out's Angony Aunt

  Each week we grab a cheeky hour on ResonanceFM
  to talk bollocks.

  This week we've invited Time-Outs Agony Aunt, 
  Tania Glyde in to answer your problems.

  Why? Because we can.

  You can learn more about B3ta Radio and how
  to tune in here:


  Circular Breakout

  This is a flash version of the arcade classic, 
  but set at the bottom of a metal bowl. Try to
  stop the ball falling down the hole in the
  centre. To kill a few minutes before going
  home you could do a lot worse than try out 
  Matt Plasticmartian's challenging game.


  DLT says "you cunt"

  Ah, Dave Lee Travis. How we miss him from the 
  UK airwaves. Immerse yourself in nostalgia
  by hearing him scream "Fuck you. You cunt.
  You fucking bastard", at Noel Edmunds during
  one of his candid-camera-style gotcha stunts.

  Celebrity profanity is seldom this satisfying,
  so sit back and enjoy The Sweary Cornflake.

  BTW: If you work in TV and have access to
  unbroadcast clips of celebrities swearing
  - we can normally find a home for them.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Attack of the eyebrow thief <<
  This is just the oddest thing. A character who
  scouts through personal websites on Livejournal,
  finds pictures of people and erases their eyebrows
  in Photoshop before posting them back on
  messageboards. His victims always seem rather
  surprised, but maybe that's just the lack of
  facial hair.

  >> Andy Kaufman definitely not dead? <<
  Older readers may remember Andy as the anarchic
  comedy genius played by Jim Carrey in Man on the
  Moon. He died twenty years ago and vowed that he
  would return on the anniversary of his death.
  Looks like he might not have been lying - we want 
  to believe, although web spoil-sports Snopes
  reckon it's a load of bollocks.

  >> Bored Web Designer Corner <<
  Building websites is so shit boring you
  could train monkeys to do it - but they wouldn't.
  They'd prefer to flick peanuts and faeces at each
  other. And frankly, so would we. Small pleasures
  can be derived by expressing your true feelings
  about the job in places no-one signing off the
  project would notice. For small, mean laughter, 
  right-click on the picture of the nice lady on
  this healthcare site and see what the file
  is called.

  >> Britney Spears subliminal <<
  Britney Spears wants us. We've been listening
  to her records backwards and that's what they
  tell us. We want her backwards, too, so that's
  alright then.

  >> Dismembered toe <<
  Save on expensive torturers' bills by doing
  it to yourself in the comfort of your own
  home. That, at least, seems to be the
  rationale of this man consumed with hatred of
  his own feet. Warning: Do not watch if easily
  distressed by scenes of toenail carnage.

  >> Home-made flamethrower <<
  Jesus bumming Christ. If the Lord came back
  today he'd be doing shit like this. Filling
  a common or garden water pistol with petrol
  and using it as a flamethrower in his garage.
  Just like this chap, who we also worship.  

  >> Infinite cat project <<
  The idea behind this site is to take a picture
  of a cat staring at a monitor screen. Then take
  a photo of another cat staring at the first
  picture on a monitor. Then... but you get the idea.
  Given how fascinated cats are with each other's
  bottoms, this is fantastic.

  >> Funny porn 124: XXX-files <<
  Nerds enjoy many things. Like you or me,
  they love sexy ladies. They also like 3D
  computer rendering, alien rape and the X-Files.
  This site manages to combine all of these in the
  form of some quite frightening computer-generated
  Gillian Anderson porn.

  >> Impossible objects <<
  What higher achievement of human dexterity can
  there be than sticking a Rubik's cube into a bottle
  that's too small for it? None - that's what. Genuinely
  a thing of wonder, see if you can figure out how they
  were made.

  >> Japanese live sex gameshow <<
  Just what it says: hardcore pornography broadcast
  on Japanese TV in gameshow format. Obviously, not
  safe for work, but you wouldn'y know it from the
  air of polite interest shown by the studio audience.

  >> My shitty neighbour shame <<
  We hate people. Who knows what feculent filth
  they wallow in, separated from your sleeping
  head by a few inches of brick and plaster. If
  your neighbours live in more squalour than this,
  please take photos for us.

  >> Star Wars Car <<
  Star Wars doesn't excite us; car mods don't 
  excite us. But this Star Wars car mod made us
  lactate love juice from our mind-nipples. It's
  the wealth of obsessive detail that makes it
  great. Also, seeing the decidedly normal-looking
  owner proudly posing behind the dashboard.


  Fox cubs

  Aww. They're so adorable! Look at their little
  faces and their tiny paws, which they'll soon
  be using to savagely attack chickens. They're
  the best. Any foe of chickens is a friend
  of ours. 

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


  Results from the Hospital Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted things you really wouldn't
  want to see in hospital:

  We asked B3ta boarder 'lemony' to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Mr Lemony writes -

  #1 "Beep... Beep.... Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee - clear
     winner purely for the genius use of etcha-sketch,
     cocking ace! (Kris Fucking Kristofferson)

  #2 "Chichester hospital radio - Paul?! Barry?!
     Utter twats, this rocks. (Fat Marrow)

  #3 "Operating table-tennis - top punnage and slick
     animation made me soil myself over this one...
     twice in fact." (baby wet ones)

  "it seems to be obligatory to have sort of bonus
  prize thing these days and I felt it was well worth
  noting that Stick Figure Ninja still can't keep his
  hands off kenny loggins."

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, the challenge dictator found another
  hard-pressed minority to point and laugh at.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * DIANA MINESWEEPER - Much like Windows
    Minesweeper but with pictures of Diana's
    head. Oooh, and small african boys having
    their limbs blown off.

  * ANAL FUCKFINGERS - A series of arses fly
    by the screen. Poke them with your finger.
    However if the sphincter is too large you're
    in danger of getting trapped - too small,
    and you're arrested for child molestation.

  * HIGGELDY COCK PIGGELDY - you play a farmer.
    Your prize collection of piglets have
    all got their curly cocks in a knot. Help
    save their bacon by untying sheep-shanks
    and carrick-bends.

  Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Shannara, olly defunktion,
  Major Uffle-Uffle Bombfactory, simon essexeffect
  Alex Spencer, Nick Gresty, diskosquid,
  armadillo6xe, jockgit, Robert Carthy.
  Top Tippery by Hung-Like-A-Kitten.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord. Well, it used to be,
  but we haven't heard from him in ages.
  Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
  Proofing by the pre b4ta schoolers. (75131)


  Got two glasses stuck together? Fill the inner
  one with cold water - and pop both in a bowl
  of hot water, and they should easily come apart.

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