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This Week:
* INTERVIEW - Sir Patrick Moore
* FASHION - Meat bags

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 174 - 18 Mar 2005

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  Game, Work at Greenpeace, Photoshopping site

  >> The Incredible Machine <<
  "Kerb have built a cut-down flash version of
  this ancient classic PC game."

  >> Greenpeace job <<
  "Greenpeace are looking for a new Web Editor
  for their site. Could this be you?"

  >> FreakingNews <<
  "FreakingNews is the top news photoshop contest
  site on the web.  We  make fun of whatever is
  hot in the news. Sign-up for free and join over
  7,000 members in photoshop contests or simply
  view thousands of funny images. Updated daily.
  Featured in CNN, Salon, and LAtimes."

  >> Buy space in B3ta <<
  Want to advertise in the newsletter? Talk to us.


  Cillit Bang, Kitten song & Sir Patrick Moore

  >> Hardcore dance cleaner <<
  Uber-annoying household scourer Cillit Bang takes
  on vaguely fascistic overtones thanks to Jakazid.
  The crafty genius behind the Calm Down Dear remix,
  featured several issues ago, embarks on a dark,
  hardcore odyssey of everyday cleansing power,
  remixing another cult TV ad. UK readers need to
  watch this NOW.   

  >> Kitten song <<
  "I have a submission," sniggers jj_rudd,
  "for the newsletter. It's my first attempt
  so be gentle!" Woo. By golly, we flipping
  love this, but don't want to spoil it by
  spelling out the joke in the write-up.

  >> Patrick Moore interview <<
  We've been obsessed with Patrick Moore ever
  since we saw him on Wogan in the 80's playing
  the xylophone like a posh octopus. Our
  fascination went on to spawn the Weebl
  collaboration "Patrick Moore Plays The
  Xylophone" and now to Kirk Rutters' interview
  with the great man himself. Apparently Moore
  has got a new book out. Woo. We wonder if
  they'll put a sticker on it saying "as
  recommended by B3ta?" That would be lovely.


  Beautiful Moments

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we asked for the defining moments of
  your lives. Some of these are just wonderful:

  * "My mother died when I was 16. Not a clean
    death either - cancer and operations; a
    steadily-increasing morphine dose was keeping
    the pain away and my father and I understood
    she didn't have long to go. I saw her stop
    breathing at about twenty to four in the
    morning, and, the whole sorry conclusion of
    getting funeral directors to remove her and
    deal with the paperwork over, I walked out
    of the house at about 7am. There was the most
    majestic sunrise I have ever seen that morning,
    utterly massive peaks of pinks and oranges.
    The memory of that sunrise has been with me
    over half my life." (Yarblesnake)
  * "I do medieval battle re-enactment with chainmail,
    swords etc... Tewksbury battlefield 1997, the
    Friday night before the main battle, there were
    whispers going around the beer tent that there
    was going to be a duel for honour after midnight.
    It turns out that one friend had 'dishonoured'
    another by shagging his Mrs. After a bottle of
    Moniack mead and many happy cigarettes, I
    staggered onto the field to see two very large
    re-enactors leathering each other with swords
    in the mist and moonlight. It was extremely
    surreal, out of time - and quite beautiful.
    Especially when they both bloodily agreed that
    the woman in question was a slag and that they
    both needed a beer..." (Catchag)
  * "The sun was just rising, as I reached the summit
    of a large sand dune on the edge of the Great
    Thar dessert. The horizon was alive with an
    awesome show of pinks, yellows and orange. It
    took my breath away. Such a great view couldn't
    be missed and I spent a pleasant few minutes
    having the most satisfying turd in my life.
    It rolled away down the dune - which made
    watching the view all the better. Later on,
    as we were preparing to leave, I noticed some
    Americans had stood in it. It's still the best
    shit I've ever had." (stupotty)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like your obscurest facts. Things that are
  totally useless, but true. Talk to us here:


  Meat bags

  "Rape is a normal reproductive strategy in
  mallards." Not our most successful chat-up
  line. That would be "nice shoes. Fancy a
  fuck?" Anyway boys, brush up your lady
  handling skills by learning about fashion.
  That's the secret. Not too much - women
  will think you're gay - but a passing interest
  is good, especially backed up by compliments.
  Try approaching girls mumbling, "Is your bag
  human skin? I read about it on the internet.
  You're lovely." You'll be knee-deep in lady
  love wicked soon. THANKS B3ta! No problem.


  Now with added fact-spack

  >> Bonnie Tyler vs. fridge <<
  In 1983 pop-genius Jim Steinman wrote, "Once
  upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm
  only falling apart." Little did he know that in
  2005 his greatest lyrical work would be destroyed
  by weirdoes hitting fridges and cookers. Witness
  the madness. We were laughing with uncomprehending

    :: FACT-SPACK: As well as writing for
    Meatloaf and Andrew Lloyd Webber, Steinman
    co-wrote the Sisters of Mercy hit More, which
    subsequently turned up in the musical 'MTV's
    Wuthering Heights'. It was shit.

  >> Jaunty banana man plays with fire <<
  It's another newsletter, and another opportunity
  to see an unfortunate webizen on fire. What makes
  this different is the amusing montage editing
  that takes us from fire, to cooling off in the
  shower and finally to hospital in under a minute.
  That's entertainment folks.

    :: FACT-SPACK: Fire is affected by gravity, In
    zero-G a candle flame isn't yellow and tapered
    but blue and nearly spherical. It's a bit shit

  >> Convergence gone mad <<
  Our phones play MP3s, our monitors have speakers,
  Christ, our cameras even play Doom. When will the
  madness end? Clearly not with this "internet
  enabled microwave." It should have a webcam and
  a website which you can log on to, and see what
  everyone else with an internet microwave is warming
  up at the same time. That would be ace. However
  it doesn't, it's just a crap gimmick.
    :: FACT-SPACK: Fun things to put in
    microwaves include split grapes - pretty
    blue sparks - and eggs, they explode in a
    shelly scrambled mess.

  >> Wheelchair dancing <<
  Being condemned to a life in a wheelchair
  doesn't sound too bad to us. You're eye-level
  to ogle tits all day, and with the small
  addition of a blanket you can masturbate in
  public too. What's more, the world of ballroom
  dancing isn't closed to you and your partner.
  The maudlin music is what really had us here.
  We're welling up.

    :: FACT-SPACK: Most people in wheelchairs
    can actually walk. They're just lazy. Piss.
    This is meant to be true stuff. Ok. Stephen
    Hawking likes running over people's feet.
    And then sniggering in his robot voice.
    "Ha. Ha. Ha." he mechanically monotones,
    "Hardy. Ha."

  >> Cornish Darkie Day fun <<
  In America most of the racists are concentrated
  in the south. In the UK it's no different. Our
  Texas is called Cornwall (where they drill for
  lashings of lovely thick cream in cow mines).
  Once a year the pasty-munching twits cover their
  faces in boot polish and shout racist songs.
  TIP: Any younger readers stuck in this part of
  the country should probably move.

    :: FACT-SPACK: Clotted cream is 55% fat, as
    compared to butter at 80%. The word butterfly
    goes back to the medieval superstition that
    witches transform into butterflies, in order
    to steal the farmers' cream or butter. What a
    bunch of bastards.

  >> Nice Amazon type toy <<
  Since Amazon opened up their geek-friendly API,
  allowing tentacle-rape-addicted nerds to
  build their own sites based on Amazon data,
  we've been flooded with oddities. From
  our own "What's That Song" to "I'm Feeling
  Spendy" we've been regaled with ingenuity.
  The latest is this plaything that allows
  you to make big words from book covers.
  It's cute. Try it.

    :: FACT-SPACK: Amazon once fucked up their
    database and revealed that 30% of 'reader
    written' book reviews were actually put there
    by the publishers and authors. The best
    stuff was the dissing of rival writers.
    Naughty naughty.

  >> Anal sex for Christians <<
  We all know that God frowns on sex before
  marriage. It makes you blind, and your
  man-seed have two tails. Thank God (literally)
  that the bible has nothing but good to say
  about heterosexual anal sex. BTW: This site
  is most likely a wind-up, but the thought
  of all those catholic girls doing anal
  gave us strange and exciting thoughts.

    :: FACT-SPACK: Girls! Don't do anal on
    the first date. Your new boyfriend will
    tell all his mates and you'll never live
    it down. Save it for a special occasion,
    say the first time you sleep over at his
    parents' house.

  >> Ricky Gervaise is such a hottie <<
  Some say The Office's Ricky Gervaise's finest
  moment was on some clip show where he suggested
  the Shake'N'Vac lady used her carpet-cleaning
  powder to cover up staining from suburban
  gang-bangs, but we prefer him looking pretty
  and gender-bendingly sexy in his New Romantic
  incarnation Seona Dancing. See if you can
  crack one out. It's a challenge.

    :: FACT-SPACK: We once torrented the pilot
    episode of the American re-make of The Office.
    Guess what? Completely shit. Don't bother.


  Skinning-up, Finger Twister, Spooky MP3s

  >> Skinning-up on a turntable <<
  We gave up smoking dope at B3ta Towers when
  we went back to some old hippy's house for
  a smoke and he tried to bugger us. And get
  us to fix his PC. The cheeky cunt. Iconscious
  are clearly not worried about marijuana
  sodomy and rape, "With BBC pottery in mind
  we've made a brief interlude." Hmm. Overlong,
  old, but has charm. Oddly enough the same
  words that the botty-rape hippy used to
  describe his penis.

  >> Finger Twister <<
  "I was bored", fakker dully intones, "So I
  decided to make Finger Twister." Not the
  first time we've featured this idea; that
  honour goes to Jboom, but it's very nicely

  >> MP3s from beyond the grave <<
  "Don't often submit stuff," lies the jesterly
  named Timothy Claypole, "cos when I do you
  take the piss out of my name." Who us? We
  only pointed out that the actor who played
  Timothy Claypole in Rent-A-Ghost died from
  AIDS. "I've been conducting experiments
  in EVP", continues Timmy 'died of AIDS'
  Claypole, "You know, recording the dead
  via hissing tape cassette." Hmm. Odd stuff
  this. Readers are recommended to read from
  the bottom of the page and also with a pinch
  of salt. THE SALT OF THE DEAD! *makes spooky
  noises* *tries to mention AIDS again* *err*


  Baby polar bears and baby Hitler

  Mother and cub polar bears. We thought we'd hit
  cute-fatigue with the bears, but the sweet look
  on the baby's face made our hearts melt like the
  world's precious, irreplaceable ice-caps.

  Little rascal. kraze writes,Halloween "I recently
  happened across this picture of me as a baby
  during Halloween. I figure with your penchant
  for nazis as well as cute things, you guys'd
  like it." If only he was standing in front of
  the oven instead of the dishwasher...

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.


  Mighty ice towers

  In the true spirit of doing odd stuff just
  because they can, this bunch of Alaskans are
  making colossal ice formations by pumping water
  through an extravagant array of brass pipes and
  nozzles then slowly letting it freeze in the cold
  air of their icy northern realm. The sheer size
  of these frozen trees is impressive - they're
  getting on for the size of office blocks. But it's
  the elaborate plumbing technology that's really
  worth a look.


  Results from the Bad Public Art Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to make us some awful
  Public Art.

  We asked b3ta boarder 100% Kitten to judge the
  entries - here are her 3 faves.

  Kitten writes -

  #1 "Give it a ping - Not only very nicely
      animated, but also tasteless, inappropriate
      and funny. And not a badly-drawn spunking
      cock in sight. Unless the guy with his hand
      in his pocket is knocking one out.
      (Zak McFlimby)

  #2 "Harold! - The fact that this hasn't already
      been erected in Shepherd's Bush is an
      indication of this country's terminal
      decline. The thin white layer round his hat
      is ethereal. This made me laugh out loud -
      just a little blurring and it would have
      won! (Barbara's Bush)

  #3 "Abe's bored - I had never noticed before
      that the expression on Lincoln's face is
      vacant rather than statesman-like. I think
      he may be switching between "Robot Wars"
      and "Songs Of Praise". Well spotted and
      beautifully executed. Just like Lincoln
      himself." (Frumbert)

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, the Challenge Dictator stepped in
  once again and demanded that we photoshop
  newspaper owner David Sullivan.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

    sponsored swim for the tsunami appeal",
    informs stephenjwz, "and I have scanned
    a clipping."

    week we asked for better names for tech
    projects. Reader Ben writes, "Funny you
    should mention up-skirt shots, but Sony
    Ericsson have just announced what amounts
    to an up-skirt cam, which they appear to
    have named after our ginger fuhrer." Gosh.
    This product looks great. A remote control
    bluetooth video camera. The video had us
    grinning like loons.

    writes, "But the numbers in Nokia's models
    aren't meaningless. The first number responds
    to which series it belongs to, eg. 7 is
    fashion, 6 is business, 5 is rugged/outdoors
    etc." Gah. Call us phone nerds, but we found
    this interesting in a "what does your phone
    say about you" kind of way.

  * TOP TIP TESTED - "you wrote", accuses rick209,
    "if you put a piece of bread under your top
    lip when chopping up onions it  will stop your
    eyes watering. I tested this and it did not
    work. BUT...chewing gum while cutting up
    onions DOES." Hopefully this will be helpful
    to our onion-chopping readers.

  * GRANDAD APPRECIATION - "Thank you so much"
    brays johnwaddell, "for mentioning my father's
    web address, walksydneystreets.net. It resulted
    in 5,000 visitors in 24 hours and emails from
    so many countries, quite a thrill for
    a 90-year-old." No problem. The butt plugs
    are in the post.


  Chain reaction cascade game

  Clicking on a little tile rotates it 90 degrees.
  If the edges match up with their neighbours it
  starts that tile moving too. The aim is to get as
  long a lasting chain reaction of movement as
  possible. We reckon you'd have to be some sort
  of super-brain nerd genius to be any good at it,
  but it's fascinating to try. 



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SUPERMARKET SPORTS - "I filmed a clip," boasts
    bluchrome, "during a post-pub munchie mission 
    to Sainsburys." Woo. We reckon Aisle Curling
    could be the next big thing. Can anyone follow
    this up? Maybe pork chop hunting. With guns.

  * REALITY WHORE HOUSE - prostitution is legal
    in certain states in Australia. We'd like a
    show where punters had to work as prossies.
    A bit like Salon, where members of the public
    could pop in for a TV broadcast hand-job.
    There could be a Saturday night special called
    Clap Trap, where one of the tarts has Gonorrhoea,
    but which one? C'mon Channel 5 - this would
    be better than your current reality output.
    That tosh about models? No one cares.

  * REMOTE CONTROL WASPS - have we any
    nano-technologists reading? We want to sting
    people we don't like. And giggle.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson with the wikiwoos.
  Links sent in by mrtinybrain, lordgaz, finbarr,
  simon elliott, badgas,  WrapUpWarm, redbook,
  Rob T Firefly, dedlymonkey, fred fenster
  and octamed
  Top Tippery by thewooinator
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the snorting b4ta snuffle-hounds. 

  TOP TIP: Be the first to step on the Tube by
  standing where the Mind The Gap paint has worn
  off. All those feet are a clue, you know.

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