NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 173: "FAMILY PLANNING - PLEASE USE REAR ENTRANCE"
This Week:
* ANIM - Sex with dragons
* MACHINE - Great egg race
* INTERVIEW - Inventor bloke Tim Hunkin
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
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B3ta email 173 - 11 Mar 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue173/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: ADVERT
Country spot
"Watch this Country Sport before it gets
banned and see Rover get a real sheepdog's
bollocking for a four-footed tackle."
http://www.maverickmedia.co.uk/bannedcountrysportv...
Wish to buy advertising in this very space?
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
DIY Honda, Jaffa revenge, Tim Hunkin Interview
>> Elaborate machine <<
"We are four Cambridge students with too much
time on our hands," brags Ben Tyers. But the
combination of free time and clever college
monkeys has given us this amazingly elaborate
contraption that does tonnes, while achieving
nothing. Check out the bigger, clearer video.
(Note: We had some difficulty getting it to
play, eventually got it working on the DIVX
player on PC and Quicktime on the Mac.)
http://people.pwf.cam.ac.uk/lwh21/machine
>> Cake box "too big" <<
Big boxes, big bags, excessive packaging really
gets on Mr Ikasu's tits. He's harnessed his basic
physics knowledge and some measuring jugs to show
us all just how wrong McVities Jaffa Muffins are
- it's 230% larger than the actual muffin!
http://www.mrikasu.com/blog/archives/2005/03/mcvit...
>> Tim Hunkin Interview <<
Tim Hunkin is probably most famous for writing
and presenting the Channel 4 series The Secret
Life of Machines, but that's not all he's done.
His Rudiments of Wisdom cartoon ran in The
Observer for 15 years, and he's set up an
amusement arcade featuring his own homemade
coin-operated slot machines and simulators.
Fraser Lewry got in touch and found out more.
http://www.b3ta.com/interview/timhunkin/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Losing Your Virginity
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked you to tell us how you lost
your virginity:
http://b3ta.com/questions/virginity/
These made us feel sad inside:
* "I got to lose it twice! It was many years ago,
I'd never seen a naked penis before and what was
presented before me was about 3.5" and about as
thick as one of my petite super-girly thumbs.
After much flailing around I was left feeling
a little disappointed, thinking "is that all
there is?" It wasn't until I had gotten together
with my second boyfriend that, after some squeaky
whimpering and blood-stained sheets, I finally
popped my cherry. To this day I seldom think of
that first experience, unless i happen to be
served a cocktail weenie." (killbunnie23)
* "I was crap. Took all day, trying over and over.
Only good thing to come out of it was that we
had to get the morning-after pill from Barnstaple
Health Centre the next day and I got to see the
immortal sign: 'Family Planning - Please use rear
entrance'." (Lord Manley)
* "Picture the scene: We had been going out for
about 4 months and it was going to be our first
time with anyone, so like a gent I paid for a
hotel room for the night. We spent the whole day
as normal and then had a few beers to get more
comfy. Flicked on the TV for background music
and just after I pop her cheery the news brings
on a nice news flash that the queen mother is
dead.... Yes...." (Gaz)
>> This Week's Question <<
Fed up with all this negativity, tell us about the
beautiful moments in your life. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/beautifulmoments/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> My year with 'The Dragon' <<
A bedraggled prison escapee looks back with
fondness on his time with 'The Dragon'. It's
rare to find something simultaneously so
repellant and yet so charmingly nice.
http://www.sickanimation.com/dragonyear.html
>> Intriguing eBay story <<
What on earth has fatherdoc been getting up to?
A quick click through his history shows that
he's been buying up a shed-load of altar kit
and surely more chalices than anyone could use
in a lifetime.
http://snipurl.com/ddd3
>> The spacko dance trap <<
Everybody dance now! A mystified college guy
rigs up a secret camera to catch his room-mate
shaking his booty to 90s house. He's a lovely
mover and what makes this for us is that he
clearly doesn't give a shit about getting
caught. Warning: long video.
http://www.funlol.com/content/everybody-dance-now....
>> Dancing Skeleton <<
What a showman! This busker is the absolute
God of puppets, and his all-singing,
all-dancing, rock'n'roll skeleton. Why is
this not at Covent Garden when we're there
instead of all those dull statue fuckers?
Warning: this one is a bit long too.
http://content.collegehumor.com/media/movies/skele...
>> Big Turd Girl Interview <<
If poo is your thing then this is the interview
for you. It should go without saying that this
will be NSFW unless you' happen to be a medic
specialising in gastro-enterology. Warning: scat.
http://www.joyangeles.com/interview2.htm
>> Anti-smoking propaganda <<
We're not ones to say kids shouldn't smoke,
infact we earn a lucrative sideline selling
singles to the kids in Kentish Town. However
this collection of short sit-com style videos,
purport to be based on real brain-storm sessions
held by tobacco marketing execs. Funny and
thought provoking stuff, "We'll get the urban
hipsters to smoke.. and then the other kids
will think, if they smoke, they'll be trendy
too." Even if you're fantacially pro smoking,
it's an interesting lesson in marketing.
http://www.fairenough.com/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Dogs, kittens and sloths
The world's stupidest dog, at least if you can
judge from a face. Awww. What a thickie.
http://www.ruffridersrescue.org/Willard%20is%20so%...
What could be nicer than spending a sunny day
in the park, accompanied by your tiny, adoring
kitten chum.
http://mycap.mii.instacontent.net/g.myspace/00036/...
Sloths in a box - these little cutelings look like
they're making a break for it. But not to worry,
they aren't getting anywhere in a hurry.
http://10e.org/samcimg/namakemono.jpg
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: BIT TORRENT TV
Stuff we've watched this week
>> I'm Your Number One Fan <<
The undoubted highlight of this 1996 stalker
documentary is Blue Tulip Rose Read, the
self-proclaimed 'wife' and number one fan of DJ
Mike Read. She embodies the stalker's predicament
by passionately, well, dementedly devoting her
entire life to a mediocrity. You sometimes get
the thought that these people should be getting
help, not being filmed - but that just makes it
all the more fascinatingly watchable.
http://www.uknova.com/
>> Outlaws <<
We're not exactly the first on the bandwagon,
but we only just discovered this tough, cynical
funny show about low-rent criminal lawyers. The
excellent cast includes Phil Daniels who, along
with a great ska soundtrack and a deep vein of
dark humour, make it just about our favourite
show right now.
http://www.uknova.com/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Mother's Day Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to show us what not to
get your mum on Mother's Day.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/mothersday/
We asked b3ta boarder 'The Bear' to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
The Bear writes -
#1 "Happy Belated Mother's Day - This tickled
me a lot. Although they can't give this to
their mum as she has become a Mercedes spare
part, the viciousness and hatred that these
two boys have for their soon to be 'mare-in-law'
was beautifully portrayed plus the added bonus
of the Quo meme is truly memorable -- er is
that enough Je Suis? Send me the £5 as
arranged (je suis tres francais)
http://b3ta.com/board/4347740
#2 "No Jacko Pun - Very topical indeed. A clever
use of an existing picture with witty text,
WE NEED MORE OF THIS!
(previously on the west wing)
http://b3ta.com/board/4351544
#3 "A Mother's Love - Nice and simple yet
effective, nice to know that Miss S keeps
in touch with her mum. (Miss Scarlet)
http://b3ta.com/board/4344206
A special mention goes to printmeister. It's so
easy to arrange kiddies spelling toys to make
rude words, ask thefuckingbearcub."
http://b3ta.com/board/4342252
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, the Challenge Dictator wants you to
make "Bad Public Art"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/badpublicart/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* 60 EGGS IN 60 SECONDS - It looks like no-one
is up to last weeks challenge. The records
stand at (Hard boiled) 14 in 58 seconds by
Peter Dowdeswell at the Stardust Social Club,
Corby, Northants on Feb 1977, and (Soft boiled)
32 in 78 seconds by Peter Dowdeswell in
Northampton, April 1978. C'mon, surely one
of you can do better?
* PIZZA TIP UPDATE - A quick follow-up to the
pizza tip last week, microwave last night's
soggy delight as normal, then bung it in a
hot frying pan with a tiny bit of oil for a
minute or two. Hey presto, a lovely crispy
bottom just like new! Students eh?
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: FRIDAY GAME
Catch the Squares
Simple but addictive. Avoid the red squares and
pick up the black. There's nothing superfluous,
just the facts, ma'am.
http://www.fetchfido.co.uk/games/squares-2/squares...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* WIKIPEDOPHILE.COM - a national database of
pederasts maintained by concerned parents.
If there's a kid fiddler in the neighbourhood,
anyone can build a page about them which
others are able to edit or amend, all without
the need for HTML or programming skills.
This couldn't go wrong, could it?
* INAPPROPRIATE CHARITY EVENTS - become the
pride of your community with your sponsored
cross-country drive for Greenpeace, sponsored
swim for the tsunami appeal, sponsored duck
hunt for the RSPB and your marathon for
the fair trade organisation wearing all your
Nike gear.
* NAMING PRODUCTS AFTER REAL STUFF - we're fed
up with Nokia and Sony calling their products
meaningless collections of numbers like the
7610 or NW-E505. Possibly it's easier to get
it past the board, as no-one could possibly
like these names, they couldn't hate them
either. What about a Nokia Furtive (good
for upskirt shots) or a BMW Tiddles? Or
Sony should do an mp3 player tie-in with
U2,and call it the Sony Bono...
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David "Two monitors" Stevenson, and the
wonderful wiki woos.
Links sent in by SiX, Ben Wheatley, tinyteeth,
namecheryl, terrywaters, willstheway, obh, alex
dicks, henry simmonds and deeneyboy.
Top Tippery by Mrs Google.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by b4ta. They love it. (76789)
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TOP TIP:
Spray your cheese grater with oil for easy
cleaning.
