NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 182: "BIGGEST SCOTCH EGG... EVER!"
This Week:
* QUIZ - Can you spot the pornalikes?
* SURVEY - Logos that look like cocks. Results.
* COOKING - Biggest Scotch Egg ever
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 182 - 20 May 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue182/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINKS
PlayStation competition and Star Wars clips
>> WIN A Year of Freedom With PlayStation <<
PlayStation is revolutionizing online
communication with its "Summer of Freedom"
campaign and giving away a 'Year of Freedom'
to one lucky person. Its website gives users
the chance to take part in weekly "video
blogging" competitions plus the chance to be
the lucky winner of a whole year of Freedom!
To WIN all you have to do is visit the site!
http://snipurl.com/playstationfreedom
>> Star Wars clips <<
Biggest news this week is the release of
the sixth and final Star Wars movie; Revenge
of the Sith. Orange's roving reporter Mr Dresden
got very excited and nipped down to a Star Wars
convention to mix it with R2D2 and C3P0. Click
here to see his little adventure
http://www.orange.co.uk/starwars/droids.html
>> Advertise in B3ta <<
Want to buy this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Cock logos, Pornalikes, Scotch eggs & Mingtones
>> Phallic Logo Award: the Winners <<
The game designers across the nation are
playing is: can they design a logo and get it
approved without the client realising it's a
big spurting penis? We asked you lot to send in
the best cock logos from around the world for
our team of experts to evaluate. Now we present
to you the very cream of your cocks.
http://b3ta.com/features/phalliclogoawards/
>> Pornalike quiz <<
"Isn't that her off of Eastenders?" When the
porn gets a little bit dull we all like to
amuse ourselves by spotting the models who look
like celebs or people we know. So much so that
ginger fuhrer Rob Manuel has based one of those
interactive quizzes off the idea - can you tell
the difference between Britney Spears and some
dodgy old slapper?
http://www2.b3ta.com/pornalike-quiz/
>> Giant scotch egg <<
B3ta's chef to the titans Fraser Lewry has been
busy this week, whipping up another of his gigantic
culinary concoctions. This time he's taken the egg
of an ostrich and rendered it into that northern
delicacy a colossal scotch egg. Although you can't
fault his cooking skills, there's something about the
idea of getting a mouthful of giant egg-white that
turns our stomachs. Bleh.
http://www.blogjam.com/2005/05/15/scotch-ostrich-e...
>> Ringtone cunt <<
Reckless_Rik has a lot to answer for. The immensely
sweary ringtone vid we featured last week prompted
furious emails, such as, "We piped this very loudly
through the office tannoy system for about 10 minutes
on Friday and everyone went home for the weekend
singing it to themselves (and some of the guys
have kids at home!)" This week he's decided to
produce a kinder, gentler version that he hopes
"will appeal to the ladies."
http://www.headstaggers.com/
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: RAPE US WITH A WINE-GLASS
It's funny names corner. Again.
The searchable US sex offenders register that we
featured a few weeks back. Some of you have been
through it with it with a fine tooth-comb and reader
Joe was delighted to tell us that there is a sex
offender in Montana called Pat Littleboy. Ah,
splendid whimsey.
Also spotted this week 'Big cunt lorry'
http://snipurl.com/khunt
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Jobsworths
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked for your encounters with
the petty jobsworths out there that make life
just so worth living:
http://b3ta.com/questions/jobsworths/
#1 Council Refuse Site Attendant
"With a load of garden rubbish to dispose of,
I arrived at the tip to find a VERY long
queue of people waiting to unload into a
single garden waste skip. There were,
however, a long line of empty skips, all
with 'garden waste' painted on them. I asked
a guy why they couldn't open up another skip:
"Can't mate... it's more then me job's worth"
(seriously). I thought 'bollocks to this',
and started emptying my car into the next
empty skip. He ran over to me, spitting with
rage. "You can't do that. It's against the
rules!!". "What are you going to do about it
then?" I asked. "I'll... I'll... cone your
car off!". And indeed he did, then he stood
there and gave me a triumphant look... I
picked up the cones and lobbed them into
the skip too." (barmcake)
#2 Revenue Protection Officer
"My local train company employs some pretty
offensive units, in particular one gentleman
who seems to take great pleasure in harrassing
by shouting and threatening them with court.
One evening I clocked him getting on a train
at Luton, so I thought Id have some fun with
him - as soon as he entered the carriage I
was sitting in I vaulted off the train and
began to sprint down the platform. This was
like a red rag to a bull: he jogs after me,
frantically bellowing into his walkie talkie
to "hold the train, hold the train!" When he
reaches me he screams, "Get off the train or
I will have you arrested." I ask him why,
"you are deliberately trying to avoid paying
your fare." I produce my season ticket, his
face falls and he asks why I ran off? "You're
a fat cunt, mate, and I reckon you needed
a run" (bigmeuprudeboy)
#3 Wetherspoons Bouncer
"We wandered into a Wetherspoons in Leeds,
but the only seats were in the non smoking
area. No problem, but within 3 minutes the
cubic doorman appeared and said "I'm sorry
lads, I am going to have to ask you to leave,
'cos this is a non smoking area" *looks round
to see who had sparked up* "But none of us
are smoking" says I. He just pointed to my
packet of snouts and said "but you might"
(Milkno Sugar)
We'd also like to celebrate the UK government
Department of Work and Pensions, who have refused
Dr.A access to B3ta by classifying it as 'useless'.
"and this coming from the place that runs the
fucking Child Support Agency," he splutters.
>> This Week's Question <<
We want to know what happened when you met
your other half's parents for the first time.
Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/meettheparents/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Toast in the post <<
Send this guy some money and he'll cook up some
toast, put a stamp on it and bung it in the mail.
We like the idea of the problems it'd cause for the
postman; butter and crumbs all over everybody else's
letters. We don't like to think about what it would
be like to eat after all of that.
http://snipurl.com/toastinthepost
>> Man-tights <<
Tights designed for a man. Not sure we understand
this one. After all, if you're a man wanting to
wear tights then surely the POINT is that they're
designed for women?
http://www.mapledrive.com/products/BZL6070.htm
>> Bad fruit art <<
It's impressive in a way. Someone has used their
utmost ingenuity and skill to unintentionally
render this collection of luscious fruit and
veg into an uncommonly menacing set of edible
beasts. They look like zombies. Zombies with
melons for heads... Brr.
http://ueba.com.br/forums/index.php
>> Magnetic fingers <<
Is there no end to the extremes people will
go to to modify their bodies? This chappy has
been putting magnets under his skin so that he
can mysteriously pick up iron filings. This
is possibly an idea for one-time-b3ta-regular
Kitteny Berk, or Staple Balls as we liked to
call him, who used to regularly place photos
of his freshly-pierced penis amongst the kittens
on our messageboard. Go on, Kitteny. Stick
magnets in your cock. Then you'll always
know which way is north.
http://www.bmezine.com/news/pubring/20040226.html
>> More inappropriate cocks <<
Nothing delights us more than finding an
unexpected penis in mainstream media. Our
mind was opened to such filth in the 1980s
when a sneaky art editor working for the
Wolverhampton's Express & Star stuck a bulging
penis onto Superman in an advert for car
exhausts. Imagine our continued joy in finding
this "join the dots" badly-drawn cock on
a children's book cover. (Scroll down.)
http://www.janpienkowski.com/fun-and-games/
>> Sellotape art <<
A brief history lesson on cyber-begging: First
there was savekaryn.com, where Karyn ran up
a load of credit card debt and threw herself on
the mercy of the web. She got her debt cleared,
and a fancy-schmancy book deal too. Secondly,
we had the titillating giveboobs.com, where
a young lady asked for cash to increase her
bust. She eventually got her tits, but Playboy
never phoned. And now? Let us introduce you to
Helen. She's an artist working in the medium
of stickytape, and wishes to exchange her
disturbing art for art school tuition fees.
Hmm. We reckon these arty types often have
low self-esteem, so there's probably a shag
in it for you if you've got the cash.
http://www.beefykoala.co.uk/
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: GEEK OF THE WEEK - DOING STUFF BECAUSE THEY CAN
Oil PC
Think if you dunked all the gubbins from your
PC into a bath of vegetable oil that it would
break? Think again - it would be fine, as oil
is a poor conductor of electricity. Gaze in
wonder at the greasy joy of this German bloke's
home computer, working happily under several
inches of glistening oil. And if he overclocks
it, he'll be able to cook chips.
http://www.markusleonhardt.de/oelbilder.html
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from 'Conspiracy' Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to show us everything
they don't want us to know about.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/conspiracy/
Regular Bt3a challenge handler "Mystery_Bob"
decided to judge the challenge himself - here
are his 3 faves.
Mystery_Bob writes -
#1 "I knew it - So Stephen Hawking can stand
after all. He just uses his cool electric
buggy to go drag racing and pick up chicks.
(Swaza)
http://b3ta.com/board/4634013
#2 "Human Combustion - One of my rules in life
is never argue with cats who can shoot
lasers out of their eyes. It's a rule that
has kept me alive so far.(Chance1234)
http://b3ta.com/board/4632124
#3 "How the inernet works - I want to know
where I can see monkeys with javelins.
Please show me the monkeys with javelins!
Please? (Zedd)
http://b3ta.com/board/4630765
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, Sony PlayStation want to you make
images about "freedom" and you can win a PS2
too.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/sonyplaystationfreedom/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SQUIRREL TAMPONS - Last week we wondered if
someone had already invented them, so we could
perhaps, make our fortune. Jimvin informs us,
"Squirrels do not menstruate and hence would
not need jam rags." Our dreams of rodent
vadge-bung riches lie dashed.
* KITTENWAR APPEAL - a few weeks ago b3ta
regulars launched KittenWar, a site where
kitten fights kitten in a battle of cute.
Since launch it's done 35 million pages,
and they need a new server. If you fancy
helping out, then bung them a few quid via
their appeal page. Think of the kittens!
http://kittenwar.com/donate.html
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* FROZEN GUINNESS ICE POPS - now that it's
coming up to summer, can you design a new
alcoholic treat?
* KICK ME POST-ITS - indulge in an international
'stickers on strangers backs' game. Start off
with ten or so good photos, and open a blog
calling for more entries.
* VICKS SINEX EXPERIMENT - what does it do
when you squirt it in your eyes?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Special thanks to Leningrad, Thor_sonofodin
and Delicious Tea.
Links sent in by Kundalini wants his hand back
(and an fp too, thanks), citroenax, babs just
dreamt that nazi pixies were invading swizerland,
todd, fred.fenster, Emily Bruce-Dickinson,
geordiedeviant & wolverhampton gee.
Top Tippery by Rob.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by b4ta. They love it.(102314-25807)
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TOP TIP:
Keep a few sliced loaves in the freezer
and you'll have fresh toast every morning.
BTW: We like serving a "toast medley" for our
special friend. Take 4 slices, and spread each
one with marmalade, jam, peanut butter and
Marmite. Halve each slice and serve with
hot coffee. (Serves 2)
