NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 188: "HANDI GANDHI"
This Week:
* COMPO - Win a Voodoo Trombone Quartet CD
* MINI FEATURE - Jingle watch
* MAKE - Harold Shipman figurines
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 188 - 1 Jul 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue188/
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: SPONSORED LINK
Create, sell or buy unique t-shirts and gifts
From the crazy minds of B3ta to Crazy Frog fans
you can purchase some cool threads, mugs, bags
or mouse mats on Sp!ce today!
If you fancy selling YOUR ideas then why not
set up a shop with us for free and we'll sell
them on your behalf!
http://www.spice.co.uk/b3ta.php
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Shiper-likes, Voodoo CD, Burnt face man & Walken
>> Shipman/granny celebratory tableau <<
Serial-killing rogue doctor Harold Shipman isn't
in the news so much these days and that's a damn
shame. But thanks to the beneficence of YourAllGay
you can create your own Shipmanesque scenarios
for the amusement of the whole family (nan maybe
excepted).
http://big-muff.com/b3ta/dr-shipman-special.html
>> Voodoo Trombone Quartet Compo <<
Long-time readers will remember Thorpe and
his Voodoo Trombone Quartet. "I've finally
finished album after about 2 years", he
exclaims, " and seeing as b3ta was responsible
for getting the early tracks around the web
and consequently signed, I'd like to run a
competition to give away a couple of copies."
Right, complete the tie-breaker "3G phones
are crap because..." and send your entries
to [email protected] and
we'll announce the funniest answers next week.
You can also order the album and listen to
a couple of MP3s on his site. Well done, our
kid! We're looking forward to the concerts
already.
http://www.voodootrombonequartet.com
>> Burnt face man returns <<
From the mighty brain of David Firth springs
another senses-shattering episode of...
Burnt Face Man. This is funny, funny stuff.
The clip for 'next episode' is particularly
fine.
http://www.burntfaceman.com/4.htm
>> Scary faces <<
"A few months ago The Grauniad did a feature
on Christopher Walken in the Weekend magazine",
quoth dogwonder, "The front cover featured
a particularly large and disturbing picture
of said man. We decided that it would be funny
to cut the picture out and use it as a mask."
Woo. You and your friends look scary.
Especially the pregnant Walken.
http://www.dogwonder.co.uk/
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: JINGLE WATCH
Three of the worst
A few weeks back we asked you to send us
crap advertising jingles based upon re-workings
of popular songs.
However, you mostly ignored us, and sent us
entirely the wrong stuff. However, it was all
insanely great anyway so who cares?
>> Amateur voice overs <<
"I work in radio", whispers Phil, "and sometimes
clients insist on either voicing, or making,
their own commercials. This is one of the latter,
the very end cracks me up every time."
http://www.luckykazoo.com/media/2005/07/worst-jing...
>> Handi Gandhi <<
Apparently a recording for an Australian
curry sauce, this jingle might offend Hindus.
And make Australians a little embarrassed too.
http://snipurl.com/handighandimp3
>> Yum Yum Bumblebee Tuna <<
For the revolting mental image alone, this
jingle is a stomach-churning classic.
http://www.bumblebee.com/images/jingle.wav
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
I'm an expert
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we wanted to know what you were
really, really good at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/experts/
* Car fault diagnosis by smell
"My turn to do morning dog walks last week,
so I drove to the park in my wife's newly
purchased car. On return, I noticed a wet
patch on ground where it had originally been
parked. Worried that patch could be oil,
water, clutch/brake fluid etc, I went back,
picked up handful of wet gravel, and used
my powers of nasal deduction... Yep, it was
a leak alright - the dog had pissed against
wheel earlier." (BeatsWork)
* Breasts
"I'm an expert in convincing pervy old men
that I am in fact a blonde, big breasted 18
year old called Laura... I bore easily."
(GothPixie)
* Blood splatter
"My step father is a forensic scientist.
When I was 16 I threatened to commit suicide.
Rather than whisking me off to the therapist
like a normal person, he made me study the
blood splatter of people who killed themselves.
One hour a night for three weeks I'd go
through pictures of the blood splatter and
write down how I thought they died. I still
want to kill myself...but now once I'm done
I can figure out how I did it." (Kireland786)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us about any hidden treasure
you've found. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/hiddentreasure/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Rainbow manga <<
Akira-style cartoon strip homage to Rainbow.
What would have happened in the house if Zippy,
George and Bungle et al carried on. This week:
their difficult teenage years begin...
http://davidguy.brinkster.net/goaste/rainbow001.ht...
>> Sheep hymn <<
Oh, The stirring chords of William Blake's
'Jerusalem', calling on us to forge a new
paradise here in the UK. But what's this you
say? Not people singing but sheep? And they
want us to visit the Lake District? We laughed
despite ourselves.
http://www.golakes.co.uk/baarmysheep/
>> Bouncy bouncy broken limbs lady <<
Somehow hypnotic; you control the bikini-clad
lovely as she plummets through a skyscape of
shiny, rubbery spheres. It is, however, a bit
gruesome, the way she just flops round like
all her joints have just given way.
http://www.izpitera.ru/lj/tetka.swf
>> Googlepants <<
Okay, so it's official google merchandise but
what a great idea. Get closer to these snazzy
pants. What does the recurring text say? That's
right, "I feel lucky."
http://www.googlestore.com/product.asp
>> Old-style ASCII art <<
There's nothing quite as stupid as the mirth of
interweb nerds. Relive the glory days of lol, rofl,
lmao and many many more, captured here in glorious
2-frame animated stylee.
http://www.rofl.name/asciiart/
>> Farts 'On Air' <<
Ever wonder what the news-readers do when the
lights go down in the news studio at the end of
the show? On the basis of this clip, they let
use the chance to let excess gas out of their
bottoms. Something to consider next time you're
watching Trevor MacDonald.
http://www.ugoto.com/flash/go/newsanchorfartsoncam...
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Kitten Princess, snuggly bats
Like some feline fairy godmother has visited, it's
impressive just how bewildered this little kitten
is with her new regal headgear.
http://www.ratemykitten.com/ratemy/kitten
Gammy old goths will go gooey for these baby
vampire bats. They're just so cute: "Pleeease
feed us. Us hungry, need blood."
http://snipurl.com/babyvampirebats
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: OUCH MUMMY, BOYS DON'T NEED TAMPONS
Funny names returns
>> Dick Spatulas <<
Have you ever had problems getting grime out
of those 'hard to reach' places? Perhaps you
should give these a try...
http://www.chefknifes.com/new_page_2.htm
>> S-CAT <<
It's a catalogue-based government procurement
agency. Oh, but the name hints at unusual
extracurricular activities.
http://www.s-cat.gov.uk/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Caffeine, Jesus, Birds & Bunnies
>> Aargh - caffeine! <<
"I spent last night making special coffee,"
quavers a shaky Mr Ikasu. "That is to say,
coffee made with Red Bull in place of water.
Oh and some Pro Plus added in for good
measure." Christ. We're not sure how much
caffeine it would take to kill you, but
a couple of these should see you right. Any
volunteers?
http://www.mrikasu.com/blog/2005/06/26/caffeine/
>> The fruit of Jesus <<
"I," bellows lardpig grandiloquently, "have found
GENUINE PROOF that JESUS CHRIST EXISTS in a
Somerfield store in Ashby, Leicestershire. Of
course, the first thing I did was list it on eBay."
Of course.
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll
>> Bird-catching balloonists <<
Control the cats in their rickety whisk-
powered flying machine, as they sashay
round the sky trying to net as many birds
as they can. Don't let the little buggers
pop you with their beaks though. Charming
piece of gamefoolery here from top b3tard
Geoffrey.
http://www.ae4rv.com/games/bird_snatchers.htm
>> Bunny explode! <<
"Hello all, it's been a while!", hollers Rogan,
"I wanted to make something that would appeal
equally to people who love cute little bunny
rabbits and people who hate them. Hopefully
there's something for everyone here." Hmm.
http://www.roganjosh.co.uk/stuff/bunnies/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the B3ta 404 Page Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted your ideas for the b3ta 404
page.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/404challenge/
We asked b3ta boarder The Neville to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
The Neville writes -
#1 "Spaghetti Monster - Squiggles are fun. And
Mr. A's squiggles are even more fun. This
image just seems to encapsulate the frustrations
and anger which one would experience when
encountering a 404 error page. Here, you can
see the protagonist visibly shaking in his
little boots with pure, incandescent rage.
Hoot! (Mr A)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4807311
#2 "Star Wars - Well,it's probably the most
obvious joke, but the simple fact that an
extra pun has been forced in, at no extra
charge to yourself, the lucky consumer! Makes
it all the more worthwhile, and it looks nice
too. Bazoo! (gravytrain)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4819194
#3 "Baby Hurting Action! - What's this? JJ not
drawing sexy ladies? Well, good thing too,
because this lovely surreal bit of thing right
here made me vibrate with glee. Just the sort
of thing people should be forced to look at
constantly! (Jolly Jack)"
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4806236
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, the Challenge Dictator laid down the
law and demanded, "Penguins Vs Monkeys"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/penquinsvmonkeys/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GINGER BEER - Tracey Griffen writes, "Thank
you for the fabby ginger beer recipe. I was so
excited I made some on Friday afternoon, and
by Saturday night my happy boyfriend and I
were enjoying the gingeriness of it with a big
measure of Mount Gay Golden rum. What a
combination!" Sounds tasty, tho we'd probably
drink it on the name alone...
* PHALLIC LOGO - huzzah, a real-life logo designer
has got in touch. "Hope you like the logo I designed
for you," writes nohomo. We do, mate, we do.
http://www.rajasandhu.com/images/logos/enlargel.gi...
* 'PICK YOUR OWN' MEAT - "My cousin John worked
in South Korea for Lockheed Martin," notes Denise
"While the government officially outlawed
selling dogs as food, a good part of their
economy is based at the village market level and
you can purchase dog from street vendors the
same way you would buy poultry at the supermarket.
"Part of what drives this is a cultural perception
that eating dog increases one's luck and, despite
massive amounts of "Don't Eat Dog" propaganda, the
authorities cannot do much to stop it.
"Anyways, John walked past a puppy mill before
he understood the way things worked and decided
he wanted to bring a terrier home as a pet. The
owner took his money, carried the dog inside and
a few minutes later brought it back to him in
the form of cutlets. Heartbroken, John ended up
trading the meat for one of Korea's terrific
knock-off guitars, which he used to write a
song remembering the slain puppy."
We're sure that's the way he'd have wanted it...
* MORE GEEKY THINGS PEOPLE SING:
Coldfusion, such a bold fusion
Database, you've got the cutest little database
Mozilla yourself at home
FTP, it's easy as 1-2-3
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* TRAIN MAGNETS - following on from the guy
who put magnets under his skin the other
week, why not embed an Oyster card chip
in your hands and see how it works?
* TESLA COOKING - could you fry an egg with
a Tesla coil? Surely we've got readers
with access to such technology. Please
make your tesla dreams come true.
* FUNNY STUFF - we heard some bloke on the
radio going, "Twenty four hours hath Sunday
and twenty four hours hath Monday. Tuesday
and Wednesday hath twenty four, Thursday
and Friday the same, no more. Saturday
hath twenty four hours too, in fact they
all hath twenty four, the whole week
through." More stuff like this please.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by graeme_kirk, dngdng, chris,
The Ginger Poolie, dhughes, 12 people who sent
in the tetka link (Lurkingbon, Lynette has issues,
Makerojam, iantullis, dan, frambooz, diamonkn,
gigerpunk, closetgumby, fraser and memorisethis),
jakazid, kmkrazyk beaupepys, adam.rutherford,
skapunkmonk, & ed.rowland.
Top Tippery by spanishcatfish, Rev Jesse Custer
and chief ginger sorbet-maker Nick.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the b4ta snail munchers.
(103411 - 26959)
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TOP TIP:
Triple tip extra value pack
* Midnight toilet trick
When you have to use the toilet in the middle
of the night, close one eye and keep it shut
for the entire duration that you have the
bathroom light on. That way, when you turn
the light off you will have one eye left that
isn't accustomed to the light and won't have
to fumble you way through the blinding darkness
back into your now-cold bed.
* Anti-fizz countermeasures
You could fill a whole book with the tips we get
about fizzy drinks. Here's another: to stop
your drinks bubbling up when you pour them into
a glass, first wash the glass out with cold water.
* Ginger-peeling - advanced level
When peeling ginger (possibly for last week's
ginger beer recipe), run the edge of a teaspoon
along the ginger root. This pulls the skin off
cleanly with very little of the flesh, and you
need only trim the gnarled bits with a knife.
It's actually much, much quicker than peeling
with a knife, and saves far more of the succulent
flesh.
