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This Week:
* FOOD - How to poach an egg
* ANIM - Crap leopard
* HUMAN ZOO - Inflatable face man

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 189 - 08 Jul 2005

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 Forgot an important girlfriend related date?
 Anniversary perhaps, or birthday? Well you
 could fess up like a man, take it on the chin
 and apologise, but that would be suicidally
 stupid. Much better to lie, cheat, steal,
 deceive, injure yourself, and harm animals.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want to buy this space? Then talk to us.


  Poached eggs, stupid leopard & electric sausage

  >> How to poach an egg <<
  Your ginger fuhrer has been pondering.
  "I've been thinking about eggs recently,"
  writes Rob. "And there are surprisingly
  divergent opinions on how to poach them.
  So I put a few methods to the test. It's
  the cling film one that really surprises."
  For egg-based controversy, start here.

  >> New Rathergood thing <<
  Joely Joel has been a busy puppy recently,
  writing and recording material for his
  ska band, 7 Seconds of Love. As he said
  to us the other day, "I can't fucking
  wait to be a pop star and knock all this
  web bollocks on the head." Anyway, here's
  a track he's made without the band, and
  it's top. A charming little thing about
  a crap leopard, possibly in the style
  of Harry Belafonte.

  >> Danger! Electric sausage <<
  "When at school in physics," claims Benyeats,
  "the rumour always went that if you put mains
  voltage across a sausage, the current passing
  through would cause it to cook. Twelve years
  later we tried it in my back garden. The
  theory was that, as it cooked, it dried out,
  thus increasing in resistance. So, when it
  was no longer conducting, it would be ready to
  eat."  As you can see, the results are a little
  different to the myth. But they show promise.

  Are you aware that all top restaurants in
  London have a vial of semen in the fridge?
  It's for just in case Michael Winner comes
  to dine and the chef can't get wood.


  Tattoo craze sweeps nation... slowly

  First Zog had our 'Furtive Bear' logo tattooed
  on his wrist, then Kitteny Berk inked 'The
  Fear' on his leg, and now Wildheart Baby has
  daubed an 'Is It Real?' pic on his arm.

  Frankly, there is a level of in-jokery in this
  that we can't be arsed to explain to more
  casual readers who don't frequent our message
  board. Google it if you're curious.

  Anyway, don't try this at home kids. Or, if
  you do, make sure you send in the photos.  


  It's funny names corner

  Each week Rob and Dave look at about 500 links
  you've sent in as submissions for the
  newsletter. To be honest it's knackering
  and we only survive via copious amounts of
  drink and hard rock.
  Why do we tell you this? We want to communicate
  the physical pain of reading the funny names
  corner suggestions.

  And still - still -  there's a couple that bring
  a grin to our jaded lips.

  This week we've got "Reinhardt Adolfo Fuck."
  It had to be 'Reinhardt Adolfo' - 'Barry'
  Fuck just wouldn't cut it.

  Bringing up the rear, we bring you engineers
  "Cumming Cockburn Limited". It's the double
  whammy of the cock and cum that scores the points.

  And finally, a number of readers have pointed
  out there are a few more organisations rejoicing
  in the name SCAT, other than last week's
  governmental sector agency, S-Cat. These
  include South Coast Area Transit, and Somerset
  College of Arts and Technology.


  Hidden treasure

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we asked what hidden treasures you'd
  found over the years:

  Most of them seemed to involve either porn or
  poo, apart from these three:
  * New house in London with uni mates
    "The three of us arrive and immediately find
    an electric typewriter, instantly claimed by
    flatmate #1. In the back garden: a slightly
    rusted but repairable mountain bike, swiftly
    possessed by flatmate #2. To agreement all
    round, the next thing would be mine. We search
    the house. Nothing in the kitchen, lounge,
    bathroom, master bedroom, my bedroom, third
    bedroom... How about that tiny box room over
    the stairs? Opened the door to a looooong
    silence from us all, then "Open it." "No,
    you open it." etc... Eventually I opened it,
    found it empty, put shelves in and still use
    it to this day. What was it? An honest-to-god
    satin-lined six-foot oak coffin. (pstafallen)
  * Sicilian Videos
    "Staying in a rented villa in the north of
    Sicily, I was rummaging around in the attic
    and stumbled upon a large cardboard box full
    of unlabelled videos. "Huzzah, the greatest
    trove of nasty Mediterranean smut imaginable,"
    I thought. This was not to be the case. It
    was a large collection of David Hasselhoff
    videos. Concerts, TV Interviews etc. Not
    best pleased I can tell you." (A bit Manchester)
  * My Attic
    "Inspired by this week's question having just
    moved into a new house, I decided to go and
    have a look in the attic. My house has high
    ceilings, I'm not very tall, and I don't own
    a stepladder. My desk from the next room wasn't
    high enough, so I fetched my stool and put that
    on the desk. Still not high enough. I went
    downstairs and fetched a chair and put that on
    top. Wobbling, I struggled to push the trapdoor
    up, stuck my head through, shone my torch around
    excitedly and found... ...absolutely fuck all.
    Then I fell off the furniture mountain as I was
    trying to climb down and banged my head on the
    bed. Thanks B3ta." (PacheyPie)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  Do your bit to promote international camaraderie.
  Tell us your stupid tourist stories:


  You don't think they're so cute now, do you?

  >> Baby blackbird project <<
  "My workmate Jason recently became mother to some
  baby blackbirds, after accidentally disturbing
  their nest," cheeps Dr-Mx. Not only does this
  guy hatch the eggs, but then sits up and feeds
  them cat food off a screwdriver. All we can say
  to that is blimey - baby blackbirds are quite the
  most repulsive things we have ever seen.

  >> Ugly ugly ugly dog <<
  It takes a lot to get the b3ta seal of munterdom.
  So feast your eyes and rest assured that this is
  the unsightliest dog we could ever wish you to see.
  He looks like an extra from a horror film. An 80s
  horror film.

  >> Dead dove party <<
  Two little boys helping the celebrations for
  Children's Day. At the peak of the event they
  release a dove to soar away gracefully into the
  sunny Russian skies. Er, unfortunately their
  white-knuckled stress grip doesn't leave the
  bird feeling much like flying...


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Angry, naked, Chinese <<
  Harsh but funny photo gallery. Chap took a
  camera out to a local make-out spot. Cue lots
  of people caught shagging in their cars. The
  startled looks on their guilty, sex-loving
  faces are priceless.

  >> Bohemian Rhapsody photo story <<
  Extraordinary drama as girl acts out the lyrics
  to Queen's pomp-rock classic. Particularly like
  the whole "Galileo Galileo" bit - but then again,
  who doesn't?

  >> Signage sabotage <<
  Great bit of creative vandalism, as a bunch of
  giggling blokes scramble the letters on a
  garage display board to show an entirely different
  kind of message. Their gleeful tittering is
  really what makes this so good.

  >> Doberman disguise kit <<
  Sick and tired of your poor pooch getting evils
  off people who suspect him of being a canine
  killing-machine? This handy package contains
  all you'll need to pass him off as a harmless
  show-poodle. Warning: Usage may possibly give
  your dog a gender identity crisis.

  >> Smooth-face kids <<
  Rather disturbing series of images of child
  beauty pageant contestants. Freakily, they've
  been absolutely airbrushed to death - to the
  point that they look almost like peculiar
  dolls. Brr. Nasty.


  Baby caracal

  Little kitten, big ears - so cute! Ignore the
  fact that when he's grown up he would eat you
  as soon as look at you. Well, okay, he would
  if you were a bird, rodent or small mammal.

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.


  Inflatable face man

  "I am the only person in the world to do this!!"
  is the proud boast of Jerome Abramovitch. What
  he does pump his forehead full of saline, using
  needles and a pump of his own invention to
  swell his facial features to moon-like
  proportions. Yes, Jerome, there is a fucking
  good reason you're the only person doing that.


  Cold candle tip tested & Pizza prank call

  >> Cold candles vs. hot candles <<
  We recently ran a top tip informing you that
  cooling a candle helps it burn longer due
  to miraculous "cold power". RobT has put our
  science to the test and proven us
  incontrovertibly correct. BTW: If anyone else
  wants to test our weekly tips, then please
  feel free - send us pics.

  >> Pizza robot prank call <<
  "We got bored of simply ordering pizza", intones
  the_man361, "So we decided to order one using a
  digital voice box from our computer. The silly
  buggers played along..." The laughs come early
  in this long item and the bit with the phone
  number made us very happy. Got a bit bored
  with the rest though...


  Results from the Penguins V Monkeys Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to photoshop an epic
  struggle for power between Monkeys and their
  flightless waterfowl rivals.

  We asked b3ta boarder oCo to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  oCo writes -

  #1 "Penguins win - Superb animation and great
      timing. Obviously shows my biased view on
      the challenge... go penguins! (spacehog)

  #2 "Banana attack - exactly what I thought
      would happen if the war was to occur. The
      final line makes it for me. (the hedgehog)

  #3 "A clear winner - Superb animation and
      quality pixel work. The fact that the
      monkey produces ammunition from its bottom
      is a plus, of course. (Bob Wobbaz)

  Finally, a special mention to TopUpTheTea and
  paranoiaman, because my missus really liked
  these (so did I).

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, b3ta contributor doctorwhen gave us
  the suggestion, "What if the things grown-ups
  tell kids were true?"


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

    best two entries to the "3G phones are crap"
    tiebreaker were Matt Javes with "who really
    wants a live full-motion video close-up of
    some fucktard's ear?" and Ben Keeton with
    "What the hell kind of name is 3G anyway?
    Sounds like a constipated fridge." Yay.
    Thorpe will send his CD through shortly,
    and he also asks us to mention, that "the
    live incarnation of the VTQ - a seven-piece,
    no less - will be playing at South London
    Pacific, Kennington's only Tiki Bar. It's
    on Friday 29th July, free before 9pm, £3
    before 10pm and £4 after."

  * ONE-EYE UPDATE - "Just read the bit on
    closing an eye when pissing. Did you know that
    in order to prevent blinding due to the light
    from dropped nukes, the British pilots who
    would have been responsible for dropping ze
    bomb were issued eye patches? That way, if
    it blinded them, they'd casually flick it
    over and have one good eye to fly about on."
    Fascinating, but we wonder about depth
    perception - and aiming.

  * SUMMER BURN - Over 1,000 people entered
    the CD swaps project. B3ta regular Chthonic
    joined in and writes, "A fun experience that
    takes me back to when I was a music-obsessed
    teenager making mix tapes. On the FunJunkie
    boards, one person was saying he'd been sent
    19 different cover versions of 'Summertime'.
    Which is wonderful and scary at the same time."

  * MORE GEEKY SONG IDEAS - "If you right-click
    the bar at the bottom of the screen in Windows
    XP, you can 'Lock the taskbar! Lock the
    taskbar!' (to the tune of 'Rock the Casbah')
    Seeing that option causes fits of giggles
    every time I see it." (thanks deKay.)

  * FURTHER ONE-EYE UPDATE - "So that I could
    piss in the dark," confesses Rob Mahon,
    "I ended-up doing a 'wonder if' experiment
    that worked a bloody treat. Got some
    glowy paint stuff - came in a tip-ex bottle
    - and I just dotted the skirting boards
    on the route to the toilet.  I made sure
    the edges of walls were daubed to show
    the corners, and door handles all had a
    hefty dollop on too. With the last
    remaining dregs of glowy stuff I made
    sure all the light switches had dots on
    too, just in case they were needed in
    a toilet emergency. Also, I drew a big
    circle of glowy stuff on the UNDERNEATH
    of the toilet seat. Thus I can tell the
    up/down state of the seat, and it gives
    me a reasonable aiming point too." Hero.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WHICH-ONE-IS-TARQUIN?.COM - get a few hundred
    photos of people called Tarquin, pair them
    up with photos of people called John, Rob
    or Dave. The user has to pick the posho. We'd
    find it fun anyway.

    a gypsy camp the other day and were wondering
    about the Romany practise of cooking up
    hedgehogs in clay (hotchi-witchi in the
    vernacular). We dared each other to go and
    ask them, "Will you cook us up a hedgehog?
    We'll give you £50." Well, we chickened it.
    Maybe you won't. Remember, we want photos
    of the tasty, tasty dish.

  * SAUSAGE WIRING - our wurst-burning friends
    from earlier in this newsletter mention that
    "another experiment we tried was lighting a
    bulb using sausage for wiring. It worked,
    but the video camera did not." Does anybody
    else want to have a crack at this?

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel and
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Parrot of doom, spazdor,
  cmkenny, el-mariachi, syntheology, smoothpete,
  weevilstepmother, jerryfriedman, Andy Goodwin,
  terry b, The Moop, lcp, camdenguy, Wombatovic
  and liamjford for the gherkinator.
  Top Tippery by letsprocrastinate.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the rofl b4ta lols.
  (103556 - 27291)

  Attach a water-hose onto taps easily by cutting
  the end at an angle so the hole is actually
  larger. Simple really. But oh so effective.

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