NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 195 -"CAN GIVE YOU SOMETHING WITH A BLUE VEIN IN IT?"
This Week:
* EVENT - Come and watch Rob talk on B3ta history
* GAME - Fight the video aliens
* PHALLUS - Microsoft's spunky cock
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 195 - 02 Sep 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue195/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINKS
Phone games, Cool t-shirts & Intel's IT Files
>> Retro-style phone games <<
"Remember Gauntlet, Sensible Soccer, Robin
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http://www.themobilegamer.co.uk/retro-mobile-games...
>> Grange Hill t-shirts <<
"Don't do it! Take the advice of a 15 year old at
rock bottom. Get your Zammo 'JUST SAY NO' T-shirt
from Teefly.com"
http://www.teefly.com
>> The IT Files - Episode 5 - Once Bitten <<
"Getting off to an explosive start with the
prehistoric kit in his new lair, our intrepid
Head of IT tests the office sprinkler system
to its limits. Following the triumph of his
upgrade, Mike discovers that being top dog
doesn’t necessarily guarantee an easy life
and that success sometimes comes back to
bite you, later. See Mike in action."
http://www.intel.co.uk/itfiles
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
B3ta talk, Alien game & Wheatley vid
>> "How We Saved The Web" <<
Ginger fuhrer Rob Manuel is set to take you on an
entertaining romp through how he and his mates
changed the face of the internet from their
bedrooms. From singing kittens to teaching Buffy
to say "Xylophone buggery", spotting shemale
superstars before they were on TV, destroying a
20 million quid corporate re-branding scheme via
the medium of flicking the V's, and encouraging
people to get cancer by poaching eggs in cling
film. It's at the King's Head Theatre, Islington
on the 2nd of October, so get cracking on buying
a ticket. WARNING: Watching this show might make
you give up your job and accept your destiny of
using the internet for mayhem.
http://www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/345
>> Brilliant alien-fighting game <<
Hats off to Leoz for this charming video-based
game. You control the hero as he uses common
household items and lightning reactions to
fight off the space aliens who have invaded
his house and locked him in the toilet.
http://uploads.ungrounded.net/259000/259908_movie....
>> 'Spitz' vid <<
Ah, the world of Ben Wheatley - what a dark
little place it is. Here's an oddity about a
government special agent on the dole. At least
that's what we think it's about. Features a
welcome appearance by the Mighty Bearded One
- that is to say Ben - himself.
http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/spitzfilm.html
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: ACCIDENTAL QUIMNUENDOS
A slip of the tongue is worth two in the bush
* On being asked for blue cheese in an
delicatessen, "I'm afraid not madam but I can
give you something with a blue vein in it."
* On asking about a ladies earrings "Well, I
need two studs to keep my holes open."
* A mother on meeting her son's new girlfriend
who'd previously been involved in a minor
speedboat accident, "Is this the one you
banged?"
Stick yours in our box:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Your Scary Neighbours
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked about your scary neighbours:
http://b3ta.com/questions/scaryneighbours/
Here's a few we're glad we don't live next
door to:
* The Pyramid Family
"When at university in York, our back garden
joined onto several other people's gardens
with fairly high fences between them. The
third house around was inhabited by the
scariest bunch of inbred weirdos you can
imagine. There were about 426 of them living
in that house and not one of them had a job.
So how did they keep themselves busy all day?
They spent about 6 weeks building a pyramid
in their back garden. Yes, a pyramid.
Practically full-size. Out of mud. As the
days went by, we watched in disbelief as
this family erected a three-metre-high
ziggurat out of soil and paving slabs. I
was like watching a termite colony in action.
when they'd finally finished the pyramid
they embedded a bathtub in the top. We never
had the slightest idea why they did all this
or what it was for, as, having finished it,
they proceeded to act as if it wasn't there
and went back to their other favourite pastime
of lobbing rocks into our garden when we were
trying to barbecue." (Olembe)
* Sex-crazed old people
"I live in Edinburgh. My neighbours were the
most senile, nosey geriatrics that I have ever
met. They had a bloody big dog that would rip
your throat out soon as look at you. She called
me "sonny" even though I'm a girl. They were in
their eighties, but used to have the loudest,
filth ridden sex my ears have ever heard. But
that's not all, oh no. In order to keep time
pumping the night away, he used to sing
"Flower of Scotland" at the highest volume
possible." (moogbook)
* Science teacher
"My next door neighbour used to be a middle
aged woman who was a science teacher at my
school. My bedroom window gave me a perfect
view of her sunbathing topless in her garden.
Now THAT was scary." (aphex puddle)
We'd also like to sympathise with 'Peewee 13'
for bravely putting up with a neighbour who
keeps an assortment of coffins in the garden:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/scaryneighbours/post...
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us things that have
happened to you in the toilet. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toilets/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Runaway Ostrich <<
Ostrich farms were briefly popular in the 1980s
when gullible yuppies were peddled the lie
that ostrich meat was the new beef, and they
should invest now and make millions. Unsurprisingly,
they lost millions instead. Ha! Anyway, here's
an amusing picture of some Japanese bike cops
chasing a charging ostrich down a street. All
it's missing is some Benny Hill music and an
excitable banzai voice-over.
http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_oct2004/RunawayOstr...
>> Instant message prank <<
This chap set his messenger profile to "sexy
girl" and routed all requests to chat to other
people who were also attempting to chat to ladies.
The level of self-deception in these chatlogs
is phenomenal as both participants frequently
admit to both being straight males, but
still keep attempting to cyber with each other.
We've linked to a funny one, but if you chop the
URL you will find loads of this stuff and it's
all great.
http://pranked.hopto.org/chatlogs/albertmyint%20-%...
>> Microsoft spunky cock <<
Our favourite Microsoft story isn't Donkey.bas
(if you're geeky, google it) but the time
when the Redmond boys sent out a clip-art CD,
which when you searched for "monkeys" produced
pictures of black people. A product-recalling
happy accident of the models happening
to be standing in front of monkey bars. God
alone knows what to make of this bit of
clip-art of an apparently jizzing penis.
http://snipurl.com/microsoftspunkycock
>> Customer complaints <<
Nothing more satisfying than reading the
complaints logs of major companies. A friend
of ours once nicked the duty log of Channel 4
and called up all the people who were moaning
about the swearing and told them, "C4 thinks
you are annoying twits." Enjoy this scatological
description of a man's disquiet with being
placed next to the bog on an aeroplane.
Complete with drawings.
http://67.19.222.106/travel/graphics/seat29e.pdf
>> Snot boy <<
Gasp in revulsion at this video of a teenage
boy blowing snot bubbles and them sucking them
back in. The secret of success? Bogey jugglers
swear by drinking a lot of mucusy milk.
http://media.ebaumsworld.com/wmv/snotrocket.wmv
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Baby badgers
If you search for "badgers" on Google, five out
of the ten links on the first page of results
are now for copies of Jonti's badger animation.
Now, that is success. Imagine the power of
owning the word badger? The other badger
websites must be furious. Anyways, here's a
charming picture of a couple of young badgers.
http://www.weirfield.co.uk/downloads/badgers%20102...
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Monkey game, Squirrel toy & Internet chat thing
>> Monkey space flyer <<
"Everyone loves monkeys," squeals Matazone. And
he's pretty much on the money. So enjoy your
week's dose of space monkey joy with his cracking
inertia-based flying game - made to unite the
world in peace and harmony, or so he claims.
http://www.matazone.co.uk/animpages/mis/monkeys-in...
>> Squirrel flasher <<
Always struggling to find the right way to
send a message to that 'special someone'.
Eclectech has tackled the problem head-on: put
your words on the chest of a sniggering squirrel
flasher, why not?
http://eclectech.co.uk/message.php
>> Chat to the internet <<
Give thanks to Ian Beveridge, for now you can
chat with the internet; the mighty sum of all
human knowledge just as if it was another of your
little MSN chums. Give it a go. It doesn't make
much sense, as these things never do. But it's
entertaining nonsense.
http://www.yeahbutisitart.com/chat-to-the-internet...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Real Computer Games Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to imagine a world
in which computer games were real.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/realcomputergames/
We asked b3ta boarder Extraordinarily Ordinary
Damocles to judge the entries - here are his 3
faves.
Extraordinarily Ordinary Damocles writes -
#1 Meer Pong - a fantastic animation which
made me chortle with its unexpected twist.
(frogdoctor)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5053185
#2 Lemmypop Lady - a great idea for
integrating those asylum seeking rodents
into modern society. (Jonnyass)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5048842
#3 Save the Princess - I knew the whole drunk
driver thing was a cover-up all along. The
truth will out! (Mystery Bob)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5052467
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, the Challenge Dictator gave us
the suggestion, "Pimp My Pet"
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pimpmypet/
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: EMAIL OF THE WEEK
A pervert confesses
To be honest we don't know what to make of
some of the email we get. Presumably an entry
for the quimnuendos section, it reads more
like the confessions of a strange pervert.
Take it away, Mr Baileco,
"I was went to the Supermarket the to buy
some Fajita Wraps. Being a hot day while,
plenty of the women were wearing short
skirts & shorts showing heaving cleavages
whilst leaning down in the freezer sections.
"Having lost all concentration & finding
it difficult walking with a huge hard on
I found a shop assistant and asked her,
'Where would I find the Vagina Wraps?'
"I apologised profusely to the shocked
assistant, I paid for the wraps & have
never been back since."
We wait keenly for next weeks email
where he visits the corner shop and
asks the shop-keeper, "Can I have a
go on your cunt?"
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* INTERNET IS FOR PORN SONG IDENTIFIED - many,
many readers wrote in and pointed out the
song was taken from a Tony award-winning
musical Avenue Q. Video clips are available
on the site. BTW: What is a Tony award
anyway? Does that mean it's "Grrrrreat!"?
http://www.avenueq.com/videoclips.html
* WORLD'S UGLIEST DOG, STILL UGLY - he's been
a bit of a news sensation, old Sam, turning
up on CNN and many news and review shows in
the UK. He's now got his own blog and you
can buy merchandise too. But the good bit
is his nice, high quality close-up of his
lovely face. How many claws can a dog have
anyway?
http://www.samugliestdog.com/images/Sammagnetweb.j...
* BADGER CAKE - Sygiinu writes, "After subjecting
my family to endless repetition of weebl's
badgers toon & it being my 21st birthday this
week, my Mum has made a badger badger badger
badger, mushroom mushroom, oh it's a cake,
it's a cake, cake!" Looks scrummy. Send us
a slice?
http://www.zen78688.zen.co.uk/Badger/cake.htm
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: FRIDAY GAME
Jumpy block puzzle game
The aim of the game is to remove all pieces by
jumping on them. We're pretty sure we played
some thing similar on the Spectrum back in the
the day. But the concept still rocks, and it
would make a great game for a mobile phone.
http://lightforce.freestuff.gr/tilox.php
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SCULPTING NEW SWEETS - apparently you can
melt down Haribos and make new designs from
the goo. Surely you can do better than this
guy:
http://www.silvergames.net/haribo.htm
* FRYING AN EGG WITH A MOBILE PHONE - this
site claims it works, but doesn't provide
pictorial proof. Again, surely you can do
better:
http://www.wymsey.co.uk/wymchron/cooking.htm
* BLACKING-UP - apparently unfashionable
these days, but we dig it. Live a day
blacked-up in London and photo / blog
your experiences.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by Weebop, jinaah, danthorne,
giant_squid, RJT, Susy, ghs80llu88, Heffrey,
simon shitting mason, gory laurie, ray monkey,
makerofjam, teedyay & tom.
Top Tippery by bacardincoke.
Additional linkage and Image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Proofing by the unique 'b4ta' New York.
(104545 - 28235)
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TOP TIP:
Get a free telly. A couple of months ago ASDA
made all their security managers redundant in
a cost saving exercise. In the first weekend
since they were sacked they lost two flat screen
TVs because there's no-one watching the
cameras anymore.
