NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 200: "YES, TWO HUNDRED OF THE BUGGERS. WOO!"
This Week:
* QUIZ - Is it Ant or Dec?
* ANIM - Joel puts soup on his head
* GAME - Pissing bleach on otters
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 200 - 07 Oct 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue200/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINKS
T-shirts / Wallace & Gromit
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plus Vote for Pedro T-Shirts! Use gift
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>> Wallace & Gromit <<
It's plastitastic! We're talking about Wallace
& Gromit's new film, which is intriguingly
titled 'Curse of the Were-Rabbit'. It's got
giant vegetables in, and lots of rabbits.
And an evil plot. Orange have gone and got
some sneak footage of it - watch it here.
http://www.orange.co.uk/entertainment/film/movieof...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Soup song, Duo quiz & Otter piss
>> Gruesome Twosome Quiz <<
Your newsletter staff, Rob and Dave, have been
up all night making a lovely quiz. For you, dear
reader, so that you have something nice to
play with this Friday. Can you tell which half
of a celebrity duo is which? Which one's Ant and
which one's Dec? We're fucked if we know.
BTW: We've reached 200 issues of this very
newsletter and thought a nice little quiz
would be just the thing to celebrate.
http://www2.b3ta.com/gruesometwosomes/
>> Soupy Joel <<
Joel has been as busy as a bee putting together
a catchy song on the merits of wearing soup upon
your head. Here're some facts: * Joel went a bit
loopy syncing video of his own singing mouth and
sticking it on a kitten for the entire song.
* Your Ginger Fuhrer makes a brief cameo, and
* It's absolutely ace. Rock on dude.
http://www.7secondsoflove.com/soupy_george/
>> Inexplicable otter game <<
Hadn't heard from Crazymum in a while. His
last was the Nigella Bites thing that gave
us the heebeejeebees. He's back and he's
not lost his touch. We can't actually work
out how to play this game, but the premise
is that you control a drink-addled Magnus
Magnusson, pissing bleach onto otters in
a river of electric Eskimos. That alone
was worth the price of admission for us.
http://www.crazymum.com/otter.htm
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: STATUS QUO WANK WATCH
Hopefully a new regular feature
Francis Rossi reminisces -
"We'd project pornos onto the side of a white
building. And we'd just lie there on the bed,
collectively wanking.
"It didn't help when you were in your vinegar
strokes if someone told you a joke.
"But that's part of being mates in a rock band.
Well, it was in those days. I don't know if
people do it now. It might be a bit uncool."
BTW: We teefed this from some news site, but
we just had to share the image of Status Quo
collectively in their vinegar strokes. Otherwise
we were scared it would stay trapped in our heads
and attack us while we slept.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Pretentious Bollocks
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked for the most pretentious
stuff you'd seen:
http://b3ta.com/questions/pretentions/
* Right tense?
"I used to be a criminal defence lawyer, and
one of the regulars at court was the most
pretentious streak of piss; educated at
Oxford don't yew know. Lost no opportunity
telling everyone how clever he was. Walking
out of court between streak of piss and my
timid, lovely, colleage Lucy and he rather
loudly said something to me in Greek (not
modern greek, oh no, but ancient, fucking,
greek). Cue me looking slightly blank. Cue
Lucy leaning across and saying
uncharacteristically loudly, "Right sentiment,
wrong tense". Cue streak of piss going red.
Cue much laughter. For the next two years
before I escaped that particular pergatory
everything he said was greeted with the
question "right tense?"." (Mediaslut)
* Let me take you on a lovely journey...
"I did vaguely media related gubbins at
university and as such saw my fair share
of utter wank passed off as art. By far
the best was a flip chart, being slowly
turned over from page to page by the
artist, a girl looking very pleased with
herself. First was a photo of black, then
a photo of the inside of the toilet, then
an underwater photo, more water, more black,
some sky, some sea and so on and so on.
Eventually the final sheet was turned over
to reveal the title, "The Journey Of A Poo".
I instantly started laughing my ass off.
This girl was a comedy genius! As I did so
the 'artiste' turned and stared at me with
a look of such hatred I felt as if I must
have just raped her dead mother. She got a
2:1 for tackling 'a brave subject in an
interesting way'." (Gleeballs)
* Open Nite Shite
"I used to go to an open mike evening in a
pub where sometimes there were some pretty
good acts. Once these two fellas walked on
"stage", sat down and started tuning their
guitars, turning the little pegs up & down,
the odd note here and there. One had a
tuning fork which he would occasionally
bang on the mike stand then hold against
his guitar. Everyone present watched for no
more than a couple of seconds then noisily
resumed their conversations. After about two
minutes they stopped, one said "thank you"
into the mike and they started looking around
the audience and doing that smug nodding-smiling
thing. Everyone assumed they were joking and
a few people laughed out loud. It was only
the gradual change in their expressions from
"cat-that-got-the-cream" to "seven-year-old
-whose-hamster-just-died" that caused people
to realise that this had been their act.
There was then some more laughing out loud."
(Soapy Norris)
We'd also like to congratulate Stusut79 for
coming up with the line "And now, please put
your hands together and give a huge Blackpool
welcome to...The Conjoined Hitlers!" That's
a show we'd pay to see.
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us of misunderstandings
in you life. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/misunderstood/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Anal sex disaster <<
No idea if legendary internet misogynist
Tucker Max is making it all up, but we loved
the story of his shitty bum-love comeuppance.
Poop justice strikes.
http://snipurl.com/i8cl
>> Flame thrower toy <<
The toys you get with your Action Man or
whatever all look impressive enough. But
can you grievously harm yourself with
them? We think not. Hats off then to this
fine fellow - converting a 1:6 scale soldier
to carry a real, functioning flamethrower.
How handy - if we're ever invaded by a
one-foot-tall enemy.
http://snipurl.com/i8co
>> Rape is funny? <<
Let us introduce us to your new favourite
superhero. He's called Rapeman and his
schtick is fighting crime by raping the
rapists. Hilarity ensues. No, really.
Stand-out quote, "Well somebody blew the
whistle, so someone is going to have to
get raped."
http://www.thebsquad.com/movies/7%5ERape.mov
>> Kiddy death metal <<
Kids today, their toys may be too safe,
but they're furious about it. This 5-year
old's take on death metal put the shits
up us. Just imagine how good he'll be
when he's six.
http://www.purevolume.com/spiderthetylercore
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Fatpie, Shit, Hovercraft, Wikiswear & Film quiz
>> Fat-pie oddness <<
Something of a cliche to mention that Dave Firth's
stuff is weird, but this one is truly fruit-loop.
The mouths! The fucking abstract mouths! We're
having nightmares. BTW: Love the bit with the
machinegun cat. Fuck yeah.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/ptikobj/
>> "She shat in my car" <<
Old joke: What do you do if a bird shits
on your car? Don't take her out again. COME
BACK! WE HAVE MORE! Nah, pity poor Mark
for whom the joke became an embarrassing reality.
Interesting piece on becoming the stuff of urban
legends too.
http://www.teamfishcake.co.uk/article.php
>> DIY Mini-Hovercraft <<
Here's a challenge for this afternoon. Find
a CD, a cork and a balloon, then build yourself
one of these mini hovercrafts. Possibly for the
transportation of winegums. Full instructions
from the ever-sexy cr3ative - the second link
goes to Redwine's site which has a video of
the little bugger in full flight.
http://b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk:8080/data/Aol.jpg
http://www.b3tan.de/hovercraft.html
>> Swearing Wiki <<
Wikis - the online encyclopedias where anyone
can write the entries - have been lacking one
thing: swearing. Until now. Paul is trying
to make the definitive guide to profanity and
rudeness in all forms, but he needs your help.
The entries aren't fantastic so far, but you,
yes you, surely can change that.
http://www.profaniwiki.com
>> Film quiz <<
Mike & Rob have done another of their "create
your own quiz" things. This one is based on
whether you can recognise DVD covers. So think
of your favourite actor or director and get
stuck in.
http://www.scenta.co.uk/film_&_tv/tricky_flick...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from Celebs on the Toilet Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted poo and celebrities:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/celebritytoilet
We asked b3ta boarder Sue Denham to judge the
entries - here are her 3 faves.
Sue writes -
#1 I can do it to with Keanu - worth it for
the calm and sensible look on Keanu's face.
Ah, who am I kidding? It's the pun every time.
(foldsFive)
http://b3ta.com/board/5173108
#2 Roger Moore - Lovely animation, although I'd
love to think that this is CCTV footage. Yup,
that's tonight's fantasy sorted. (mutated monty)
http://b3ta.com/board/5175657
#3 Luke Using the Force - What an expression...
Yoda would be proud of him. (haku)
http://b3ta.com/board/5173102
Thanks also to Brianftang who spotted that
even the Evening Standard was in on the
challenge, with not the most tasteful entry:
http://b3ta.com/board/5175868
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, b3ta contributor Zaphod gave us
the suggestion, "If the kids were in charge"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/kidsincharge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* IF I COULD SHIT OUT OF MY COCK - last week
we claimed it would be great. Many of our
more medically-informed readers point out
it's a symptom of some sort of fistula,
probably caused by Crohn's disease. Ho-hum.
Not all that good of a thing then.
* ROB'S B3TA TALK - it all went rather well
really. Woo. Thanks to everyone who came,
it was fun. There will be probably another,
but we need to find a theatre first.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* FIREBALL FUN - Using a small electronic
device intended for tv/film special effects
you can can shoot a ball of fire 3 or 4
metres into the air. Readers! Buy one,
review it. Or burn people.
http://snipurl.com/i8cq
* USB TESLA COIL - possibly the voltages are
not high enough, but imagine the fun you
could have.
* PUBLIC TERROR ENABLER - a 3G phone thing
with samples of sirens, explosions and
"evacuate!" Bound to get people's knickers
in a twist.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by J-Rod, papakilo, Craig Zeni,
jamestwisleton, babs just dreamt that nazi
pixies were invading swizerland,dooferoaks,
Theboytucker & fishgoth
Top Tippery by wbm - abbreviated to be just
like kfc.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Proofing by the lippy b4ta holiday makers.
(104866 - 29458)
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TOP TIP:
When making marinade or homemade salad dressing,
if you use too much vinegar, add a teaspoon of
sugar. Due to the magic of science, it
neutralizes the extra vinegar.
