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This Week:
* QUIZ - Is it Ant or Dec?
* ANIM - Joel puts soup on his head
* GAME - Pissing bleach on otters

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 200 - 07 Oct 2005

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  T-shirts / Wallace & Gromit
  >> Cool, retro t-shirts <<
  Licensed retro 80s tees, models and more 
  the Goonies, A-Team, Top Gun, Bananaman,
  Thundercats, Transformers, Back to the Future,
  Ferris Bueller, Ghostbusters, Knight Rider,
  Fraggle Rock and many more. Brand new in -
  Napoleon Dynamite talking dolls and pens
  plus Vote for Pedro T-Shirts! Use gift
  voucher B3ta for your chance for a free order!

  >> Wallace & Gromit <<
  It's plastitastic!  We're talking about Wallace
  & Gromit's new film, which is intriguingly
  titled 'Curse of the Were-Rabbit'. It's got
  giant vegetables in, and lots of rabbits.
  And an evil plot.  Orange have gone and got
  some sneak footage of it - watch it here.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Soup song, Duo quiz & Otter piss

  >> Gruesome Twosome Quiz <<
  Your newsletter staff, Rob and Dave, have been
  up all night making a lovely quiz. For you, dear
  reader, so that you have something nice to 
  play with this Friday. Can you tell which half
  of a celebrity duo is which? Which one's Ant and
  which one's Dec? We're fucked if we know.
  BTW: We've reached 200 issues of this very
  newsletter and thought a nice little quiz
  would be just the thing to celebrate.

  >> Soupy Joel <<
  Joel has been as busy as a bee putting together
  a catchy song on the merits of wearing soup upon
  your head. Here're some facts: * Joel went a bit
  loopy syncing video of his own singing mouth and
  sticking it on a kitten for the entire song.
  * Your Ginger Fuhrer makes a brief cameo, and
  * It's absolutely ace. Rock on dude.

  >> Inexplicable otter game <<
  Hadn't heard from Crazymum in a while. His
  last was the Nigella Bites thing that gave
  us the heebeejeebees. He's back and he's
  not lost his touch. We can't actually work
  out how to play this game, but the premise
  is that you control a drink-addled Magnus
  Magnusson, pissing bleach onto otters in
  a river of electric Eskimos. That alone
  was worth the price of admission for us.


  Hopefully a new regular feature

  Francis Rossi reminisces -

  "We'd project pornos onto the side of a white
  building. And we'd just lie there on the bed,   
  collectively wanking.

  "It didn't help when you were in your vinegar
  strokes if someone told you a joke.

  "But that's part of being mates in a rock band.
  Well, it was in those days. I don't know if   
  people do it now. It might be a bit uncool." 

  BTW: We teefed this from some news site, but 
  we just had to share the image of Status Quo
  collectively in their vinegar strokes. Otherwise
  we were scared it would stay trapped in our heads
  and attack us while we slept.


  Pretentious Bollocks

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we asked for the most pretentious
  stuff you'd seen:

  * Right tense?
    "I used to be a criminal defence lawyer, and
    one of the regulars at court was the most
    pretentious streak of piss; educated at
    Oxford don't yew know. Lost no opportunity
    telling everyone how clever he was. Walking
    out of court between streak of piss and my
    timid, lovely, colleage Lucy and he rather
    loudly said something to me in Greek (not
    modern greek, oh no, but ancient, fucking,
    greek). Cue me looking slightly blank. Cue
    Lucy leaning across and saying
    uncharacteristically loudly, "Right sentiment,
    wrong tense". Cue streak of piss going red.
    Cue much laughter. For the next two years
    before I escaped that particular pergatory
    everything he said was greeted with the
    question "right tense?"." (Mediaslut)
  * Let me take you on a lovely journey...
    "I did vaguely media related gubbins at
    university and as such saw my fair share
    of utter wank passed off as art. By far
    the best was a flip chart, being slowly
    turned over from page to page by the
    artist, a girl looking very pleased with
    herself. First was a photo of black, then
    a photo of the inside of the toilet, then
    an underwater photo, more water, more black,
    some sky, some sea and so on and so on.
    Eventually the final sheet was turned over
    to reveal the title, "The Journey Of A Poo".
    I instantly started laughing my ass off.
    This girl was a comedy genius! As I did so
    the 'artiste' turned and stared at me with
    a look of such hatred I felt as if I must
    have just raped her dead mother. She got a
    2:1 for tackling 'a brave subject in an
    interesting way'." (Gleeballs)
  * Open Nite Shite
    "I used to go to an open mike evening in a
    pub where sometimes there were some pretty
    good acts. Once these two fellas walked on
    "stage", sat down and started tuning their
    guitars, turning the little pegs up & down,
    the odd note here and there. One had a
    tuning fork which he would occasionally
    bang on the mike stand then hold against
    his guitar. Everyone present watched for no
    more than a couple of seconds then noisily
    resumed their conversations. After about two
    minutes they stopped, one said "thank you"
    into the mike and they started looking around
    the audience and doing that smug nodding-smiling
    thing. Everyone assumed they were joking and
    a few people laughed out loud. It was only
    the gradual change in their expressions from
    "cat-that-got-the-cream" to "seven-year-old
    -whose-hamster-just-died" that caused people
    to realise that this had been their act.
    There was then some more laughing out loud."
    (Soapy Norris)

  We'd also like to congratulate Stusut79 for
  coming up with the line "And now, please put
  your hands together and give a huge Blackpool
  welcome to...The Conjoined Hitlers!" That's
  a show we'd pay to see.

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to tell us of misunderstandings
  in you life. Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Anal sex disaster <<
  No idea if legendary internet misogynist
  Tucker Max is making it all up, but we loved
  the story of his shitty bum-love comeuppance.
  Poop justice strikes.

  >> Flame thrower toy <<
  The toys you get with your Action Man or
  whatever all look impressive enough. But
  can you grievously harm yourself with
  them? We think not. Hats off then to this
  fine fellow - converting a 1:6 scale soldier
  to carry a real, functioning flamethrower.
  How handy - if we're ever invaded by a
  one-foot-tall enemy.

  >> Rape is funny? <<
  Let us introduce us to your new favourite
  superhero. He's called Rapeman and his
  schtick is fighting crime by raping the
  rapists. Hilarity ensues. No, really.
  Stand-out quote, "Well somebody blew the
  whistle, so someone is going to have to 
  get raped."

  >> Kiddy death metal <<
  Kids today, their toys may be too safe,
  but they're furious about it. This 5-year
  old's take on death metal put the shits
  up us. Just imagine how good he'll be
  when he's six.


  Fatpie, Shit, Hovercraft, Wikiswear & Film quiz

  >> Fat-pie oddness <<
  Something of a cliche to mention that Dave Firth's
  stuff is weird, but this one is truly fruit-loop.
  The mouths! The fucking abstract mouths! We're
  having nightmares. BTW: Love the bit with the
  machinegun cat. Fuck yeah.

  >> "She shat in my car" <<
  Old joke: What do you do if a bird shits
  on your car? Don't take her out again. COME
  BACK! WE HAVE MORE! Nah, pity poor Mark
  for whom the joke became an embarrassing reality.
  Interesting piece on becoming the stuff of urban
  legends too.

  >> DIY Mini-Hovercraft <<
  Here's a challenge for this afternoon. Find
  a CD, a cork and a balloon, then build yourself
  one of these mini hovercrafts. Possibly for the
  transportation of winegums. Full instructions
  from the ever-sexy cr3ative - the second link
  goes to Redwine's site which has a video of
  the little bugger in full flight.

  >> Swearing Wiki <<
  Wikis - the online encyclopedias where anyone
  can write the entries - have been lacking one
  thing: swearing. Until now. Paul is trying
  to make the definitive guide to profanity and
  rudeness in all forms, but he needs your help.
  The entries aren't fantastic so far, but you,
  yes you, surely can change that. 

  >> Film quiz <<
  Mike & Rob have done another of their "create
  your own quiz" things. This one is based on
  whether you can recognise DVD covers. So think
  of your favourite actor or director and get
  stuck in.


  Results from Celebs on the Toilet Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted poo and celebrities:

  We asked b3ta boarder Sue Denham to judge the
  entries - here are her 3 faves.

  Sue writes -

  #1 I can do it to with Keanu - worth it for
     the calm and sensible look on Keanu's face.
     Ah, who am I kidding? It's the pun every time.

  #2 Roger Moore - Lovely animation, although I'd
     love to think that this is CCTV footage. Yup,
     that's tonight's fantasy sorted. (mutated monty)

  #3 Luke Using the Force - What an expression...
     Yoda would be proud of him. (haku)

  Thanks also to Brianftang who spotted that
  even the Evening Standard was in on the
  challenge, with not the most tasteful entry:

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, b3ta contributor Zaphod gave us
  the suggestion, "If the kids were in charge"


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * IF I COULD SHIT OUT OF MY COCK - last week
    we claimed it would be great. Many of our
    more medically-informed readers point out
    it's a symptom of some sort of fistula, 
    probably caused by Crohn's disease. Ho-hum.
    Not all that good of a thing then.

  * ROB'S B3TA TALK - it all went rather well
    really. Woo. Thanks to everyone who came,
    it was fun. There will be probably another,
    but we need to find a theatre first.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * FIREBALL FUN - Using a small electronic
    device intended for tv/film special effects
    you can can shoot a ball of fire 3 or 4
    metres into the air. Readers! Buy one,
    review it. Or burn people.

  * USB TESLA COIL - possibly the voltages are
    not high enough, but imagine the fun you
    could have.

  * PUBLIC TERROR ENABLER - a 3G phone thing
    with samples of sirens, explosions and
    "evacuate!" Bound to get people's knickers
    in a twist.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by J-Rod, papakilo, Craig Zeni,
  jamestwisleton, babs just dreamt that nazi
  pixies were invading swizerland,dooferoaks,
  Theboytucker & fishgoth
  Top Tippery by wbm - abbreviated to be just
  like kfc.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Proofing by the lippy b4ta holiday makers.
  (104866 - 29458)

  When making marinade or homemade salad dressing,
  if you use too much vinegar, add a teaspoon of
  sugar. Due to the magic of science, it
  neutralizes the extra vinegar.

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