NEWSLETTER: "GO WEB GO!"
This Week:
* OPERA - Singing glaucoma webpage
* SUPERMAN - a ghastly twit?
* BASTARDS - who nicked my laptop then?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 201 - 20 Oct 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue201/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Blair, Spiderman & Babies
>> Political stuff <<
It's with a heavy heart we open emails from
Manic. He's always banging on about some
political stuff we care not a jot about.
But we surprised ourselves with this one:
because we liked it. Apparently it's a comment
on civil liberties in the UK, but it takes a
surreal left turn half way through and hence
made us grin. We also enjoyed Manic's suicidal
cameo - possibly too much.
http://www.backingblair.co.uk/long_shot/
>> Best messageboard post ever <<
Trawling through our postbag, we were reminded
of our favourite story on b3ta ever. Involving
a sexual act called "The Spiderman" which
translates as 'pulling out just before the vinegar
strokes, chucking your fat into your hand,
then flinging it in the girls face whilst
triumphantly shouting "Go web go!"' You see,
we have very classy people posting on our site.
http://b3ta.com/questions/your_dumped_stories/post...
>> Identikit baby <<
Davideo writes - "Hi guys, in these heady days
of designer children, I have made a kind of baby
identikit thingy." We're linking because the
results look so bloody nasty, you might get
a few grins here:
http://www.davideodesign.co.uk/designa.htm
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: HAVE YOU SEEN MY LAPTOP?
A personal appeal from your Ginger Fuhrer
"Last Wednesday I was having a pint in the Prince
Albert in Notting Hill. I was with a chap you
might know as Joel Veitch, so the one pint
turned into several and of course I left my
laptop in the pub.
"Unsurprisingly, it's since been filched, and this
is rather frustrating as it has a load of stuff
on it I could do without losing.
"Anyway. It's was a silvery HP laptop in a
purple rucksack. And when you turn the machine
on there's a desktop picture of a squawking
chicken.
"Don't suppose you've seen it, have you? Thought
not. Gah. So excuse me if this newsletter has
a grumpy tone, I am sulking."
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Websites that shouldn't sing but do #44 <<
Imagine you were designing a website for
glaucoma sufferers. Wouldn't you stick an opera
track on it that vibrates, "Glaucoma, glaucoma,
glaucoma, constricting vision slowly..?"
Genius. BTW: A recent episode of Curb Your
Enthusiasm claimed that smoking marijuana helps
relieve intraocular fluid pressure. Draw your
own conclusions about what the web designers
have been smoking.
http://www.globalaigs.org/
>> Superman is a dick <<
We're loving this collection of Superman
comic-book covers carefully selection to
illustrate the sheer twattishness of our
caped-hero. He really was a smug shit-eater.
http://www.superdickery.com/dick/1.html
>> Geek bedroom song <<
Obvious enough song, poking fun at 30-something
blokes still living with their mum, but somehow
it's still enjoyable. For our money the classic of
this genre is the Madness track that went
"In the pub about 7:30, mother makes sure that
his face ain't dirty. Him and mother go everywhere,
he holds her hands without a care." Woo.
http://snipurl.com/geekbedroomsong
>> Kids dildo toothbrush <<
Many moons ago we claimed that 99% of electric
toothbrushes are bought for anal stimulation,
obviously we were telling porkies, but it looks
like the product designers at Kellogg’s have had
similar thoughts when making this give-away
toy for a box of Corn Pops.
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.ph...
>> Electronic paintbrush <<
Oooh. This looks like a nice product: combining
a paintbrush and a video camera, it allows you
to point your brush say at a cat, and then
paint using a kitteny texture. We want one
now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch.php
>> Mr. Pubey <<
Enjoyable Q&A from an agony aunt about
a gentleman who repeatedly left a single pube
on the toilet seat. It's a whole new world of
perverts we'd never considered. (Although there
was that bloke we remember from university
notorious for wanking on his girlfriends soft
toys whilst she was watching TV.)
http://www.villagevoice.com/people/0541,savage,687...
>> More UK civil liberties stuff <<
If Manics' earlier animation has piqued your
interest about the erosion of rights in the UK,
then read this story abut some chap with
a laptop on his back who was arrested for being
a terrorist suspect. Sobering stuff.
http://gizmonaut.net/bits/suspect.html
>> Pub game #45 <<
Ooh. Always love those little tidbits of
ideas to try down the pub. Here you can
learn how to fold a tenner to make the Queen
frown like the grumpy old mollusk that she is.
Actually that reminds us of our favourite
ancient visual joke. Take a note, put it
under your chin and dribble. Ask your
audience, "what's this? What's this?
Christopher Reeves at a titty bar."
http://glitterforbrains.blogspot.com/2005/10/fun-w...
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Cute puppies.
Oooh look. Lovely puppies. Doesn't make me
feel any better about someone stealing my
laptop though. Your mileage may vary.
http://www.tuasiwa.dk/Griffonhvalpe%202004/1_alle-...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Passive-aggressive Guilt Trips
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked for examples of the guilt
trips your family lay on you:
http://b3ta.com/questions/guilttrip/
* My step gran
"When my ma married my stepfather, her new
husband's mum was not impressed at having
to share her son with another woman again.
So on the day of the wedding she stood a
couple of feet away from him in the registry
office. And shat herself just as the vows
started. She was wearing tights so she managed
to shake it down her leg until it bunched up
around an ankle, and piped up with 'I've had
an accident. You need to help me clean it up.'
And then proceeded to mutter loudly 'No, not
you dear. HE has to help me.' as various
relatives tried to bundle her off for a
wipe down. Funny thing is, she never lost
the use of her arse at any other time before
or after the wedding." (mungbean)
* Major Morgan
"When I was about 5 I had a toy called Major
Morgan. It was a little plastic man that said
different phrases and made different sounds.
In the back yard on a sunny day, Mum had her
feet in a bowl of water. I threatened to give
Major Morgan diving lessons if I couldn't
have an ice cream. The ice cream never
materialised so I proceeded to test the
buoyancy of MM. When I pulled the wet toy
from the bowl it started making creepy dying
sounds like Steven Hawking on diazepam. Me Mum
said "aww, Daniel. You have killed him! You
murdered Major Morgan." I was so guilt ridden
for weeks after, when we sung all things bright
and beautiful in primary school, I'd cry for
the Major." (dansprojector)
* Birthday guilt: worst. gift. evar.
"When I was a lassie of about 9 or 10, my
birthday happened to fall on Mother's Day.
My grandma had passed away a few weeks earlier
and I thought things were beginning to return
to normal. I quickly found this was not the
case for when I flounced downstairs to let
everybody lavish me with birthday-type love,
my mom dropped a boxed cake on the counter
sans candles and said "Happy birthday...at
least you have a mother." She then retired
to her room to cry for the rest of the day.
For what it's worth, the cake was delicious!"
(Girlmitzi)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to confess your first love.
Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/firstlove/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Gay World Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted to know what the World would
be like if everything was gay.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ifeveryonewasgay/
We asked b3ta boarder Cocodaye Miasere to judge
the entries - here are his 3 faves.
Cocodaye Miasere writes -
#1 Breakdancing - This one is mesmerising. You
can tell he gets all the boys. (shambla)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5225059
#2 Romanticism - now with added burning.
(grey kid)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5216368
#3 Queen of Hearts - This one was very difficult to
choose, but it's one of the more subtle entries, but
still just as effective. (Yeknom)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5228150
Honourable mention: Victory - There were a lot of
flag entries but I think this is the best. (Dr.Trouser)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5221291
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week the challenge is to demonstrate bad situations
getting much, much worse.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/badtoworse/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* PROFANIWIKI STORMS WEB - last week we asked
you to fill profaniwiki with lots of lovely
swearing to make it better. You've helped
out in droves. One reader writes -"Greetings
from the shithole that is Bradford! I've
hardly stopped laughing since. I'm prepared
to admit to writing Arse burgering wankfest,
cunting fuck bastard, joey, fat tounged cunt
and mockney. Thank you b3ta - I love you for
making my life just that little bit less
shite." Another reader points out that
'Sucky Fucky Jam Tits' is a good entry. Glad
you all enjoyed yourselves.
http://www.profaniwiki.com/index.php
* ZOMBIE PUB CRAWL - As featured last year,
the zombie-themed pub-crawl returns. Some
good pics of last years event, so if you
fancy it, get to it.
http://www.anarchichand.com/
* CILLIT BANG PR BLUNDER - It's been troubling
times for the Cillit Bang brand recently. Their
web team have been undoing the hard (and unpaid)
work b3ta people have been doing for them by
posting marketing messages on blogs under
the name Barry Scott. Frankly this annoyed
us a bit, so we've vowed never to mention
Cillit Bang again.
http://www.completetosh.com/weblog/2005/10/when_vi...
* CILLIT BANG TWAT COINS - however, Rainbow Mong
got in touch to mention he's been using
Cillit Bang to write rude words on coins,
and so we've broken our new rule already.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5203133
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: FRIDAY GAME
Robot maze thing
Robot. Maze. Things. Clicky. Game. Woo. Quite.
Hard. No. Idea. Why. I'm. Pressing. The. Full.
Stop. Key. Every. Word. Maybe. It's. Because.
Someone. Nicked. My. Laptop. C. U. N. T. S.
http://www.gamedesign.jp/flash/maze/maze.html
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MOONCUP TEST - Ladies, collect your menstrual
blood with an eggcup shoved up your twat. Does
it really work better than a rag?
http://www.mooncup.co.uk/index.htm
* A MAGIC DEVICE - that stops you leaving your
laptop in a pub. Possibly involving a homing
pigeon and a nail-bomb.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by badgersex, johnywee,
satanfish, lesbian bartender, crooked monkey,
mong turkey, shitstabber, my bent penis is
giving me gyp and Salman Rushdie.
Top Tippery by Flapjack - Ponce.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Slashdot on ATMs in the 90s - "Computers?
Pah! Everyone knows that back in those days it
was a midget with a box of money, trained to
make BEEP! BEEP! noises."
Proofing by the bastardly b4ta dastards.
(105299 - 29509)
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TOP TIP:
We haven't got a tip this week, but here's a
joke someone told on our messageboard that
made us smile:
Brian, the world's leading expert on European
wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking
a stroll down his local high street. As he
passes by the record shop, a sign catches
his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of
the World & the sounds that they make -
available now"
Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes
into the shop. "I am the world's leading
expert on European wasps and the sounds
that they make. I'd very much like to listen
to the new LP you have advertised in
the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind
the counter. "If you'd like to step into
the booth and put on the headphones, I'll
put the LP on for you."
Brian, the world's leading expert on
European wasps, goes into the booth and puts
on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes
out of the booth and announces, "I am the
world's leading expert on European wasps
and the sounds that they make and yet I
recognised none of those."
"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant.
"If you'd care to step into the booth, I
can let you have another 10 minutes."
Brian, the world's leading expert on
European wasps and the sounds they make,
steps back into the booth and replaces
the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes
out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't
understand it", he says, "I am the worlds
leading expert on European wasps and the
sounds that they make, and yet I still
can't recognise any of those!"
"I really am terribly sorry", says the
young assistant...
"I've just realised I was playing you
the bee side!"
