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This Week:
* OPERA - Singing glaucoma webpage
* SUPERMAN - a ghastly twit?
* BASTARDS - who nicked my laptop then?

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 201 - 20 Oct 2005

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  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
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  Blair, Spiderman & Babies

  >> Political stuff << 
  It's with a heavy heart we open emails from
  Manic. He's always banging on about some
  political stuff we care not a jot about.
  But we surprised ourselves with this one:
  because we liked it. Apparently it's a comment
  on civil liberties in the UK, but it takes a
  surreal left turn half way through and hence
  made us grin. We also enjoyed Manic's suicidal
  cameo - possibly too much.

  >> Best messageboard post ever <<
  Trawling through our postbag, we were reminded
  of our favourite story on b3ta ever. Involving
  a sexual act called "The Spiderman" which
  translates as 'pulling out just before the vinegar
  strokes, chucking your fat into your hand,
  then flinging it in the girls face whilst
  triumphantly shouting "Go web go!"' You see,
  we have very classy people posting on our site.

  >> Identikit baby <<
  Davideo writes - "Hi guys, in these heady days
  of designer children, I have made a kind of baby
  identikit thingy." We're linking because the
  results look so bloody nasty, you might get
  a few grins here:


  A personal appeal from your Ginger Fuhrer

  "Last Wednesday I was having a pint in the Prince
  Albert in Notting Hill. I was with a chap you
  might know as Joel Veitch, so the one pint
  turned into several and of course I left my
  laptop in the pub.

  "Unsurprisingly, it's since been filched, and this
  is rather frustrating as it has a load of stuff
  on it I could do without losing.

  "Anyway. It's was a silvery HP laptop in a
  purple rucksack. And when you turn the machine
  on there's a desktop picture of a squawking

  "Don't suppose you've seen it, have you? Thought
  not. Gah. So excuse me if this newsletter has
  a grumpy tone, I am sulking."


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Websites that shouldn't sing but do #44 <<
  Imagine you were designing a website for
  glaucoma sufferers. Wouldn't you stick an opera
  track on it that vibrates, "Glaucoma, glaucoma,
  glaucoma, constricting vision slowly..?"
  Genius. BTW: A recent episode of Curb Your
  Enthusiasm claimed that smoking marijuana helps
  relieve intraocular fluid pressure. Draw your
  own conclusions about what the web designers
  have been smoking.

  >> Superman is a dick << 
  We're loving this collection of Superman
  comic-book covers carefully selection to 
  illustrate the sheer twattishness of our
  caped-hero. He really was a smug shit-eater.

  >> Geek bedroom song <<
  Obvious enough song, poking fun at 30-something
  blokes still living with their mum, but somehow
  it's still enjoyable. For our money the classic of
  this genre is the Madness track that went
  "In the pub about 7:30, mother makes sure that
  his face ain't dirty. Him and mother go everywhere,
  he holds her hands without a care." Woo.

  >> Kids dildo toothbrush <<
  Many moons ago we claimed that 99% of electric
  toothbrushes are bought for anal stimulation,
  obviously we were telling porkies, but it looks
  like the product designers at Kellogg’s have had
  similar thoughts when making this give-away
  toy for a box of Corn Pops.

  >> Electronic paintbrush <<
  Oooh. This looks like a nice product: combining
  a paintbrush and a video camera, it allows you
  to point your brush say at a cat, and then
  paint using a kitteny texture. We want one

  >> Mr. Pubey <<
  Enjoyable Q&A from an agony aunt about 
  a gentleman who repeatedly left a single pube
  on the toilet seat. It's a whole new world of
  perverts we'd never considered. (Although there
  was that bloke we remember from university
  notorious for wanking on his girlfriends soft
  toys whilst she was watching TV.)

  >> More UK civil liberties stuff <<
  If Manics' earlier animation has piqued your
  interest about the erosion of rights in the UK,
  then read this story abut some chap with
  a laptop on his back who was arrested for being
  a terrorist suspect. Sobering stuff.

  >> Pub game #45 <<
  Ooh. Always love those little tidbits of
  ideas to try down the pub. Here you can
  learn how to fold a tenner to make the Queen
  frown like the grumpy old mollusk that she is.
  Actually that reminds us of our favourite
  ancient visual joke. Take a note, put it
  under your chin and dribble. Ask your
  audience, "what's this? What's this?
  Christopher Reeves at a titty bar."


  Cute puppies.

  Oooh look. Lovely puppies. Doesn't make me
  feel any better about someone stealing my 
  laptop though. Your mileage may vary.


  Passive-aggressive Guilt Trips

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we asked for examples of the guilt
  trips your family lay on you:

  * My step gran
    "When my ma married my stepfather, her new
    husband's mum was not impressed at having
    to share her son with another woman again.
    So on the day of the wedding she stood a
    couple of feet away from him in the registry
    office. And shat herself just as the vows
    started. She was wearing tights so she managed
    to shake it down her leg until it bunched up
    around an ankle, and piped up with 'I've had
    an accident. You need to help me clean it up.'
    And then proceeded to mutter loudly 'No, not
    you dear. HE has to help me.' as various
    relatives tried to bundle her off for a
    wipe down. Funny thing is, she never lost
    the use of her arse at any other time before
    or after the wedding." (mungbean)
  * Major Morgan
    "When I was about 5 I had a toy called Major
    Morgan. It was a little plastic man that said
    different phrases and made different sounds.
    In the back yard on a sunny day, Mum had her
    feet in a bowl of water. I threatened to give
    Major Morgan diving lessons if I couldn't
    have an ice cream. The ice cream never
    materialised so I proceeded to test the
    buoyancy of MM. When I pulled the wet toy
    from the bowl it started making creepy dying
    sounds like Steven Hawking on diazepam. Me Mum
    said "aww, Daniel. You have killed him! You
    murdered Major Morgan." I was so guilt ridden
    for weeks after, when we sung all things bright
    and beautiful in primary school, I'd cry for
    the Major." (dansprojector)
  * Birthday guilt: worst. gift. evar.
    "When I was a lassie of about 9 or 10, my
    birthday happened to fall on Mother's Day.
    My grandma had passed away a few weeks earlier
    and I thought things were beginning to return
    to normal. I quickly found this was not the
    case for when I flounced downstairs to let
    everybody lavish me with birthday-type love,
    my mom dropped a boxed cake on the counter
    sans candles and said "Happy birthday...at
    least you have a mother." She then retired
    to her room to cry for the rest of the day.
    For what it's worth, the cake was delicious!"

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to confess your first love.
  Talk to us here:


  Results from the Gay World Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted to know what the World would
  be like if everything was gay. 

  We asked b3ta boarder Cocodaye Miasere to judge 
  the entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Cocodaye Miasere writes -
  #1 Breakdancing - This one is mesmerising. You 
     can tell he gets all the boys. (shambla) 

  #2 Romanticism - now with added burning. 
  (grey kid)
  #3 Queen of Hearts - This one was very difficult to 
  choose, but it's one of the more subtle entries, but 
  still just as effective. (Yeknom)

  Honourable mention: Victory - There were a lot of 
  flag entries but I think this is the best. (Dr.Trouser)

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week the challenge is to demonstrate bad situations 
  getting much, much worse.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * PROFANIWIKI STORMS WEB - last week we asked
    you to fill profaniwiki with lots of lovely
    swearing to make it better. You've helped
    out in droves. One reader writes -"Greetings
    from the shithole that is Bradford! I've
    hardly stopped laughing since. I'm prepared
    to admit to writing Arse burgering wankfest,
    cunting fuck bastard, joey, fat tounged cunt
    and mockney. Thank you b3ta - I love you for
    making my life just that little bit less
    shite." Another reader points out that
    'Sucky Fucky Jam Tits' is a good entry. Glad
    you all enjoyed yourselves.

  * ZOMBIE PUB CRAWL - As featured last year,
    the zombie-themed pub-crawl returns. Some
    good pics of last years event, so if you
    fancy it, get to it.

  * CILLIT BANG PR BLUNDER - It's been troubling
    times for the Cillit Bang brand recently. Their
    web team have been undoing the hard (and unpaid)
    work b3ta people have been doing for them by
    posting marketing messages on blogs under
    the name Barry Scott. Frankly this annoyed
    us a bit, so we've vowed never to mention
    Cillit Bang again.

  * CILLIT BANG TWAT COINS  - however, Rainbow Mong
    got in touch to mention he's been using
    Cillit Bang to write rude words on coins,
    and so we've broken our new rule already.


  Robot maze thing

  Robot. Maze. Things. Clicky. Game. Woo. Quite.
  Hard. No. Idea. Why. I'm. Pressing. The. Full.
  Stop. Key. Every. Word. Maybe. It's. Because.
  Someone. Nicked. My. Laptop. C. U. N. T. S.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MOONCUP TEST - Ladies, collect your menstrual
    blood with an eggcup shoved up your twat. Does
    it really work better than a rag?

  * A MAGIC DEVICE - that stops you leaving your
    laptop in a pub. Possibly involving a homing
    pigeon and a nail-bomb.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by badgersex, johnywee,
  satanfish, lesbian bartender, crooked monkey,
  mong turkey, shitstabber, my bent penis is
  giving me gyp and Salman Rushdie.
  Top Tippery by Flapjack - Ponce.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Slashdot on ATMs in the 90s - "Computers?
  Pah! Everyone knows that back in those days it
  was a midget with a box of money, trained to
  make BEEP! BEEP! noises."
  Proofing by the bastardly b4ta dastards.
  (105299 - 29509)

  We haven't got a tip this week, but here's a
  joke someone told on our messageboard that
  made us smile:
  Brian, the world's leading expert on European
  wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking
  a stroll down his local high street. As he
  passes by the record shop, a sign catches
  his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of
  the World & the sounds that they make -
  available now"

  Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes
  into the shop. "I am the world's leading
  expert on European wasps and the sounds
  that they make. I'd very much like to listen
  to the new LP you have advertised in
  the window."

  "Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind
  the counter. "If you'd like to step into
  the booth and put on the headphones, I'll
  put the LP on for you."

  Brian, the world's leading expert on
  European wasps, goes into the booth and puts
  on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes
  out of the booth and announces, "I am the
  world's leading expert on European wasps
  and the sounds that they make and yet I
  recognised none of those."

  "I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant.
  "If you'd care to step into the booth, I
  can let you have another 10 minutes."

  Brian, the world's leading expert on
  European wasps and the sounds they make,
  steps back into the booth and replaces
  the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes
  out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't
  understand it", he says, "I am the worlds
  leading expert on European wasps and the
  sounds that they make, and yet I still
  can't recognise any of those!"

  "I really am terribly sorry", says the
  young assistant...

  "I've just realised I was playing you
  the bee side!"

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