NEWSLETTER: "THE OFFENSIVE WANKING GAME"
This Week:
* VIDEO - Four-way spesh action
* GAME - Cutesy bouncing panda
* TRAMPS - Rob gets kicked
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 203 - 4 Nov 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue203/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: WANKING GAME
It's a game. About wanking.
"It's my Offensive Wanking Game," beams frshhh,
"you have to wank off over various things and
people, such as a pirate, a duck and the Queen
Mother (RIP), over 3 awe-inspiring levels."
Wonderful stuff and perfectly complemented by the
remix of Derek and Clive's 'Cancer Song' he
used as the backing track.
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/barrie.manning1/pirat...
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO NASTIES
Fuck the bandwidth, we're on broadband
>> TV host gets giggles <<
Can this really be real? A foreign Kilroy gets
the uncontrollable giggles while interviewing
guests with a tragic tale to tell - because they
have funny voices. We can't tell quite what's
going on because we don't speak the lingo, but
the chap has a very infectious laugh.
http://media5.big-boys.com/content/holditin.wmv
>> Home-made flamethrower <<
Go fill a waterpistol with windscreen washer and
fuck around with naked flames in your garage. It's
all fun until someone loses an eye (note: no-one
loses an eye in this vid).
http://snipurl.com/ji47
>> Xena muck <<
Everyone remembers Xena, right? The pseudo
medieval adventures of a winsome pair of,
possibly lesbian, warrior women. We were
shocked, shocked, to stumble on this excerpt
from a show that seems to have been rather
too heavily influenced by redneck classic
Deliverance.
http://www.gilgamesh.zen.co.uk/video/Xena_-_The_Ab...
>> NASA cock worship <<
When the men are on the moon, the NASA ladies
get their jollies with giant robot cocks.
That's the word on Space Street. Here's proof.
http://snipurl.com/j8tp
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Shaggy dog story <<
Excellent story, apparently fresh from the
pages of the Yorkshire Evening Post. It's
got to be a fake, of course, but it was too
good not to share. Ha ha to popbitch this
week for printing it as true.
http://snipurl.com/shaggydog
>> Bone jewellery <<
"Own a piece of IMMORTALITY" is how they try to
sell it to you. "Own a big fucking lump of a
Chinese person's foot made into an ostentatious
necklace" is slightly more honest. Apparently
it's all okay, because the skeletons were
previously used as museum displays. When we were
thinking of leaving our bodies to posterity, we
didn't think that would involve having to hang
around with goths and neo-nazis after we were gone.
http://www.vampirewear.com/ckshop.php
>> Kitty litter cake <<
A Halloween classic. but one that never fails to
get a reaction. You know that something this gross
just can't be good to eat.
http://snipurl.com/kittycake
>> Angry / calm optical illusion <<
Look at the picture. You'd think the angry bloke
was on the left and his placid wife on the right.
Move back from the screen though and you find
they've both swapped places. What's that all about?
http://www.ianrowland.com/MiscPages/Mrangryandmrsc...
>> Vagina beer <<
Such an art school girl thing. "Look, you
are attracted and yet repulsed by my body.
See, here are my menstrual fluids. Made into
a lampshade." Or, in this case, beer. Yes, you
read that right. American artist Toi Sennhauser
made up a keg of booze using her 'lady's self
raising' as well as the more traditional brewers'
yeast. Frankly, we'll be sticking with the Malibu
and cokes.
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content
>> ytmnd corner <<
Two links from make-your-own-flash-movie
site ytmnd. And why? Because it's great.
Hypnotic portrayal of an enormous Heath
Robinson-esque factory devoted principally
to the production and destruction of small,
enigmatic blue balls.
http://blueballfixed.ytmnd.com/
In other news, Paris Hilton is capable of
only one facial expression - shock:
http://parisfacial.ytmnd.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Essential Items
We wanted to know what you always carry with
you. Your answers, as ever, were revealing.
Yes, there are people who consider it essential
at all times to have:
* A home-made buttplug.
* An emergency doorknob.
* A small collection of plastic fish
* A "Guess Who" card that looks like me.
* A ticket for the crashed train at Paddington
* A set of Supercar Top Trumps Cards. I am 26.
* A Post-It with "Your mum looks like Lemmy" on it.
* The tiniest bottle of Tabasco sauce ever.
* A pet rat.
* A list of Asterix books not in my collection.
* A notebook detailing every bowel movement.
Read the full stories behind these and more:
http://b3ta.com/questions/essentialitems/
>> This Week's Question <<
Guy Fawkes night is approaching for all our
UK readers so we decided to revisit an earlier
question and ask all about Fire:
http://b3ta.com/questions/fire/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Tramps, Science & Cola
>> "Today I was kicked by a tramp" <<
Read your Ginger Fuhrer's account of being
accosted by a tramp on the London Underground.
Includes photos. Lovely.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/58158873/
>> Weebl's "What is 'Science'?" <<
Science! Everybody's talking about it, but just
what is it? After watching Jonti's singing,
dancing spectacular we were, frankly, none the
wiser. We're beginning to suspect he's not a
real doctor at all.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/science/
>> Cola explosion <<
B3ta reader Exeterfan heard that when you put
mints containing gum Arabic into fizzy pop it
will explode. Judging by this, he heard right.
http://media.putfile.com/Exploding-Coke
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from Robot Challenge
Last week in a fit of insanity we asked you
to put down Photoshop and pick up a camera
and make images of yourself dressed as
your favourite robot.
Imagine the power of being able to issue such
an order. We are wanking now.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/realrobots/
We asked b3ta boarder Freddy Woo to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
#1 "Grumpy Cyberman - A Doctor Who favourite,
it's the facial expression that scores
the points.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5262271
#2 "2P-P0 - building robots isn't just a hobby
for rich media twats like us, you dole scum
can join in the fun too."
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5269474
#3 "Cheese Grater Man - the game is to see how
many other household objects you can recognise
in his hastily-constructed costume.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5260777
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, a b3ta contributor gave us
the suggestion, "The eighth deadly sin."
http://b3ta.com/challenge/eighthdeadlysin/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* PIXEL STAR WARS - "Cheers for the newsletter
mention, really made my day!" writes pixel
art superstar Foldsfive, creator of the wee
Star Wars anim we featured last week. He's
finished the trilogy with Return of the
Jedi. Let's hope to the god of fuck that
he doesn't start on the abysmal shit that
was the Phantom Menace and its ilk.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5274358
* SWEARY TV - Seeing our Sky News link last
week spurred Rayalix to write, "I was
watching BBC Breakfast News. The 'Jam Cams'
bit came on, and I suddenly saw the word
'cunt' on the screen, where one set of
titles were overlapping another set behind."
As luck would have it, he had his camera on
him. Take a look.
http://www.b3tards.com/uploads/bbcnews.jpg
* RELAXED CAT - bRaZZiN is a fluent Japanese
speaker and tells us that "the TV playing
in the background of that 'debuneko',
'relaxed cat' clip from last week's newsletter
is actually playing gay porn. To quote the
guy with surly voice about midway 'Oh
yeah yeah, feel the butthole, feel the
butthole.'"
* "DAVID REDHEAD IS A LYING CUNT," according
to the lovely Hywel. "It wasn't Juliet Bravo
that had a carrot anaemia storyline, it was
District Nurse with Nerys Hughes. You're all
cunts as well." Thanks for that. You cunt.
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Bouncing panda
It's hard to improve on a classic, but this
version of Arkanoid benefits from the addition
of cute pandas, an unchallenging difficulty
level and a soundtrack based on the pentatonic
scale. Incidentally, that's the same scale John
Lennon used to write 'Jealous Guy', fact fans.
http://www.rubytooth.com/media/36703/
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* IS IT DONE YET? You can tell if spaghetti is
cooked by throwing it at the wall. We're
wondering if it works for other foods too;
pork chops perhaps. Or maybe a nice lasagne.
Can you test this out for us?
* REAL INDOOR FIREWORKS - set off a rocket in
your living room, maybe a Catherine wheel in
your wardrobe or a Roman candle in the loft.
All that flammable fiberglass. Mmm.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel and
David 'What goes Click.. "is it done yet"
Click.. "is it done yet" Click.. "is it done yet"
Click.. "is it done yet" Click.. "is it done yet"
Click.. "is it done yet" Click.. "is it done yet"
Click.. "is it done yet" Click.. "is it done yet"
..........David Blunkett with a Rubiks Cube.'
Stevenson.
Links sent in by Parrot of doom, Midas, rootsxrocks,
Simon, bomberesque, oooh, Ed Siteman, gilgamesh,
Woody and Joe
Top Tippery by TerryNutkins
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike "A man goes to the zoo. When he gets there,
there is only one dog. It was a shitzu." Trinder
is QOTW bloke.
Proofing by b4ta. (105555 - 30100)
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
To get silverware sparkling find a container
big enough for the item to be cleaned and place
a piece of aluminium foil on the bottom, then
add hot water and salt. Dip the silverware into
the solution and after a few seconds it should
be shining.
