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This Week:
* POLITICS - Boris for PM
* LETTERS - Children write to Christopher Walken
* CUTENESS - The Yoda dog

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 204 - 11 Nov 2005

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  All the Japanese imports you could ever want...

  * Domo-kun plush toys & keychains
  * Japanese T-shirt - "Beware of Perverts"
  * "Oppai Ball" squeezable breast
  * Downloadable Hentai Games in English
  * Nude Ballet & Hundreds of DVDs
  * 200+ Japanese anime & other calendars
  You've got a friend in Japan

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Cherie, Rathergood, Boris

  >> Cherie Blair Sex Calendar  <<
  "I finally got around to finishing my Cherie
  Blair calendar for 2006", pants Wasp Box,
  "and after mild revulsion I thought I'd
  submit it to the newsletter." Woo. This is
  far from safe for work, but will be the
  hottest link in the Houses of Parliament
  this Friday. And we mean hot.

  >> Rathergood t-shirts <<
  Joel's been making a new bunch of t-shirts.
  They've got Red Army kittens and alco-monkeys
  on them. And the Spongmonkey Moon things too.
  Fantastic stuff. BTW: Joel sent us a Red Army
  kitten one, and the official B3ta wife is
  sleeping in it as we type.

  >> Vote Boris <<
  We've got a soft spot for Boris Johnson:
  OK he might be a Tory, but there's something
  about him that screams wild boar sausages
  and jolly boarding-school japes. Stevierar
  wants him for our prime minister and asks
  you to pledge your vote too. As we're going
  to press, he's only got 15 votes, wonder
  what it will be by this time next week?


  Coming up, B3ta nights out...
  Woo. We're really rather chuffed with our
  calendar thing. You've been organising
  yourselves into having drunken nights out,
  and we salute you.
  This Saturday there's a drink planned in
  Nottingham, followed by a Thursday bender
  in a Soho pub. 

  More details on our site, and remember,
  you can organise your own events too.
  Unless you are a furry.


  Sticky, Toast, Godzilla

  >> Sticky notes <<
  In the 1997 film "Romy & Michele's High
  School Reunion", the two title characters
  attempt to re-invent themselves as successes
  who have invented Post-It notes. Matt Facer
  goes one louder by re-inventing the Post-It
  for the webtard generation. The fun is that
  you can read the notes left my others -
  mostly obscene so far and likely to become
  more so by the time this newsletter reaches
  your inbox.

  >> Toast Adventure <<
  Seen all those bollocking eBay auctions
  where some redneck chancer claims to have
  seen the Virgin Mary in a slice of toast?
  WLB has, and he's wondering if he can find
  his own message from God by toasting
  thousands of slices of bread. And we do
  mean thousands. We particularly enjoyed
  the photos of WLB laying on his toast bed.

  >> Godzilla vs Brighton <<
  Mutated Monty has been brightening up our
  messageboard with his Monty Python on crack
  photoshoppery for a while now. Now he's 
  turned his hand to flash in this mini-epic 
  of Godzilla skateboarding the streets of 
  Brighton. Lovely visual stuff, but we amused 
  ourselves at B3ta HQ by playing Meatloaf's 
  Bat Out Of Hell as the backing track instead.


  The Curse of The The 

  Recently we've been listening to the The The
  album, Mind Bomb. It's great - completely mental
  and oddly contemporary with its songs about
  Islam rising and waging war on Christians.

  When we get into a record, we like to google
  about and get a bit of background info.

  But poor old The The. "The" is a stop word,
  i.e. a word that search engines mostly ignore
  as being irrelevant.

  So googling for The The doesn't find the band.

  Typing "The The" into iTunes doesn't find the

  Looking for The The on Amazon doesn't let you
  buy the CDs either.

  We wonder how many sales they've lost because
  they've got a name that search engines don't

  The The. Condemned to cultural irrelevancy.
  All because of a silly name.

  BTW: We asked around B3ta HQ for other
  ungooglable band-names and so far we've got:
  'Them', '!!!' (aka ChkChkChk), 'A' and 'Fuck'.
  If you can think of anymore then tell us at


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Ebaumsworld sucks <<
  PUBLIC SERVICE BROADCAST: One of the problems
  with sticking stuff out on the web is that others
  nick it for their own sites. This is fine most
  of the time, for, as long as the designers stick
  their names on the item, it can be seen as
  free promotion. However, some sites routinely
  steal the most popular content, and sell
  advertising on it. As the more popular videos
  and games can do millions of views in a week,
  this can add up to a serious amount of cash
  with none of it going to the originators. We
  mention this not as a great business model
  you can copy (hello, Kontraband) but because
  we and numerous others feel a bit peeved about
  it. Thanks to Neil Cicierega - once famous for
  his animutation series - for bringing this
  issue to wider attention through the medium
  of song.

  >> Letters to Christopher Walken <<
  The Artist-in-Residence at Cornell has asked
  his students to write to Christopher Walken
  as if he was Santa Claus. Surreal stuff:
  "I liked you in Deer Hunter. For Christmas
  I want a Tesla coil. Maybe we can go eat
  burgers some time." Heh.

  >> Gif of the week <<
  It's the award the web industry fears, it's
  B3ta's GIF OF THE WEEK. Check the doggy
  animation half way down this page. Sublime.
  Or shit. We can't decide.

  >> Nice stop motion video <<
  When we were at school our English teacher
  told us never to use the word 'nice'. "Biscuits
  are nice," she said. Like that's a bad thing!
  Anyway, this video is nice. Can't say we love
  the song - as it takes the chorus from some
  old Prodigy track and makes it all soppy, but
  the end effect is... nice. BTW: This link was
  sent it by Yank Meoff. A made-up name we thinks.

  >> The iPod will never sell <<
  Amused to read this ancient thread on the
  launch of the iPod. Key quotes: "Just what the
  world needs, another freaking MP3 player.
  Go Steve!", "Why oh why would they do this?!
  It's so wrong! It's so stupid!" Hindsight
  is a beautiful thing...


  Yoda Dog

  We noticed this photo of a dog dressed as Yoda
  a couple of weeks back and it made us giggle
  heartily. Had occasion to visit an office
  yesterday and noticed people were using it
  as wallpaper. You should too. It's a fine


  I started a fire!

  We got over-excited last week and asked a
  question we'd already asked before. But
  who cares when the answers are this good?

  >> Throwing Wee at Douglas Hurd <<
  "My Grandma, god rest her soul, wasn't so keen
  on the old gits' home for the senile that my
  parents had to put her in. Once there, her
  antics included slinging a cup of wee at Douglas
  Hurd, playing dead in her bed every morning for
  a fortnight, and telling my parents that she was
  raped 120 times in one week by the clearly gay
  care manager. But the best had to be her deft
  use of various cosmetics, a blanket and a
  chair-leg to create a torch to light her path
  as she ran through the home at 4am. Security
  were forced to let her out lest she burned the
  place down, and before the Police could get
  hold of her she'd made it down to the
  beach-front and thrown it through the
  window of a games arcade. 'I don't like them
  places,' was all she'd say on the matter."

  >> How to get thrown out of a gig <<
  "A friend, wearing a flowery dress, DMs,
  eyeliner and a few days' stubble, goes to see
  Sultans of Ping. From the outset he was a bit
  the worse for wear. Actually, I think that was
  pretty much his ground state. Much wobbling in
  time to music commences and said friend decides
  some poppers might be a nice idea. Now,
  I personally know nothing about them, so I
  have no idea why he decided to set them alight
  at that point, but there he is, flaming poppers
  in hand, when he gets bumped by another SoP
  gurner in the mosh. Poppers promptly spill over
  his hand. The logical thing to do is therefore
  move the bottle of poppers from the flaming hand
  - which he does by throwing them to his other
  hand. So now both hands are on fire, panic
  starts to set in and he drops them all over
  his feet. Stamping out the flames makes it
  worse. In fact, it covers his boots in flaming
  poppers. For a brief moment before he was
  ejected, he was stood in the middle of the gig,
  panic on his face, sister's flowery dress
  flapping around his hairy legs, both hands
  and both feet blazing away." (Fat Bear)

  >> Sacrilegious Icon Shock <<
  "Last year, my (quite Christian) school had
  a bonfire as usual - however they let the
  year 11s make the Guy. Being insanely clever,
  they tied the Guy onto a wooden cross-shaped
  support using STRING, despite repeated warnings
  of what would happen. Anyhoo, it came to the
  night, and the bonfire was lit from the bottom
  - it reached the Guy, burnt through the string,
  and the Guy promptly fell off. Leaving an
  eight-foot burning crucifix which could be seen
  for quite a way. Smooth." (Balue)

  Finally, take a look at Stevierar's photo
  of the 'Devil Fire'. Better than any face-of-
  god-on-toast thing:

  >> This Week's Question <<

  Make your weirdest teachers feel better about
  themselves by abusing them on the internet:


  Results from the Eighth Deadly Sin Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to reveal the eighth 
  deadly sin.

  We asked b3ta boarder MINCE! to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  MINCE! writes -

  #1 "God - Even the list's creator needs some 
     Me time! Also for not being a pun. (Zak 

  #2 "Cake? Biscuit? - Who cares. The point is, 
  they're His cakes and you're not allowed to eat 
  them." (Strawberry Dragon)

  #3 "MySpace - Thank you, waru. Not enough people 
  realise this." (waru)

  Honourable mention: "For completely misunderstanding 
  the competition, and placing Marmite in a list of 
  sins instead of list of Foods Of The Gods. Yum."

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, the challenge dictator wants to 
  know about the games geeks play. 


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  we featured a TV screen grab where the cropping
  made it look like they'd captioned the image with
  "cunt". Nicola Beswick writes, "ah! imagine my
  shock when my boyfriend's sister emails me your
  newsletter and the link with ME and my sweary
  travel news broadcast live on BBC London TV.
  Shocker. You should tune in when we show the
  camera on the M25 in Kent at 'Badger's Mount'
  or the Orsett Cock Interchange in Essex.
  Keep up the sterling work, chaps!"

  * TOP TIP CORRECTION - Dan Bendel writes -
  "Dear Ginger Fuhrer, as a final year
  Biochemistry student I was shocked and dismayed
  to read this week's newsletter.  You casually
  advised people to dunk their silver family
  heirlooms in boiling hot salt-aluminium
  foil solution in a bid to make it shiny   
  again.  True enough it would make it shine,
  but the mixture you're making there makes   
  Aluminium Chloride, which corrodes silver;
  probably why your silverware comes out all   
  shiny!  Repeat it a few times and you won't
  have any more silverware." Remember kids,
  weak acids cost knives!



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * REAL LIFE TROLLS - join your local cancer 
    support group and sit there smoking and
    shouting, "My granddad lived to 90!" Or maybe
    go to a Weight Watchers meeting with a bag of
    doughnuts and sit there scoffing the lot.
    Blog / photograph the embarrassment.

  * ENORMOUS MAGNETS - get two really huge
    magnets and film yourself and a friend
    trying to push them together.

  * URBAN AIR DROPS - throw Mars bars out of the
    top floor of a building with home-made
    parachutes and seeing if anyone eats them
    once they float to the ground.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David "A Freudian slip occurs when you say
  one thing but mean your mother." Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by Cherub, DeliriumSpong,
  Kamikaze Stoat, Glued Eel, thisismyclone 
  darren, kirsten, iamcal & billy.gwinnutt.
  Top Tippery stolen from kottke.org. 
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  TV - Space: Above & Beyond. 
  Music - The Kinks, Something Else.
  Proofing by the Arthur b4ta Daley's.

  Never order the second-least-expensive bottle
  of wine; it's typically the one with the
  highest mark-up on the list.

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