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This Week:
* VIDEO - Four-way spesh action
* GAME - Cutesy bouncing panda
* TRAMPS - Rob gets kicked

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 203 - 4 Nov 2005

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  It's a game. About wanking.

  "It's my Offensive Wanking Game," beams frshhh,
  "you have to wank off over various things and
  people, such as a pirate, a duck and the Queen
  Mother (RIP), over 3 awe-inspiring levels."
  Wonderful stuff and perfectly complemented by the
  remix of Derek and Clive's 'Cancer Song' he
  used as the backing track.


  Fuck the bandwidth, we're on broadband

  >> TV host gets giggles <<
  Can this really be real? A foreign Kilroy gets
  the uncontrollable giggles while interviewing
  guests with a tragic tale to tell - because they
  have funny voices. We can't tell quite what's
  going on because we don't speak the lingo, but
  the chap has a very infectious laugh.

  >> Home-made flamethrower <<
  Go fill a waterpistol with windscreen washer and
  fuck around with naked flames in your garage. It's
  all fun until someone loses an eye (note: no-one
  loses an eye in this vid).

  >> Xena muck <<
  Everyone remembers Xena, right? The pseudo
  medieval adventures of a winsome pair of,
  possibly lesbian, warrior women. We were
  shocked, shocked, to stumble on this excerpt
  from a show that seems to have been rather
  too heavily influenced by redneck classic

  >> NASA cock worship <<
  When the men are on the moon, the NASA ladies
  get their jollies with giant robot cocks.
  That's the word on Space Street. Here's proof.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Shaggy dog story <<
  Excellent story, apparently fresh from the 
  pages of the Yorkshire Evening Post. It's
  got to be a fake, of course, but it was too
  good not to share. Ha ha to popbitch this
  week for printing it as true.

  >> Bone jewellery <<
  "Own a piece of IMMORTALITY" is how they try to
  sell it to you. "Own a big fucking lump of a
  Chinese person's foot made into an ostentatious
  necklace" is slightly more honest. Apparently
  it's all okay, because the skeletons were
  previously used as museum displays. When we were
  thinking of leaving our bodies to posterity, we
  didn't think that would involve having to hang
  around with goths and neo-nazis after we were gone.

  >> Kitty litter cake <<
  A Halloween classic. but one that never fails to
  get a reaction. You know that something this gross
  just can't be good to eat.

  >> Angry / calm optical illusion <<
  Look at the picture. You'd think the angry bloke
  was on the left and his placid wife on the right.
  Move back from the screen though and you find
  they've both swapped places. What's that all about?

  >> Vagina beer <<
  Such an art school girl thing. "Look, you
  are attracted and yet repulsed by my body.
  See, here are my menstrual fluids. Made into
  a lampshade." Or, in this case, beer. Yes, you
  read that right. American artist Toi Sennhauser
  made up a keg of booze using her 'lady's self
  raising' as well as the more traditional brewers'
  yeast. Frankly, we'll be sticking with the Malibu
  and cokes.

  >> ytmnd corner <<
  Two links from make-your-own-flash-movie
  site ytmnd. And why? Because it's great.
  Hypnotic portrayal of an enormous Heath
  Robinson-esque factory devoted principally
  to the production and destruction of small,
  enigmatic blue balls.

  In other news, Paris Hilton is capable of
  only one facial expression - shock:  


  Essential Items

  We wanted to know what you always carry with
  you. Your answers, as ever, were revealing.
  Yes, there are people who consider it essential
  at all times to have:
  * A home-made buttplug.
  * An emergency doorknob.
  * A small collection of plastic fish
  * A "Guess Who" card that looks like me.
  * A ticket for the crashed train at Paddington
  * A set of Supercar Top Trumps Cards. I am 26.
  * A Post-It with "Your mum looks like Lemmy" on it.
  * The tiniest bottle of Tabasco sauce ever.
  * A pet rat.
  * A list of Asterix books not in my collection.
  * A notebook detailing every bowel movement.
  Read the full stories behind these and more:

  >> This Week's Question <<

  Guy Fawkes night is approaching for all our
  UK readers so we decided to revisit an earlier
  question and ask all about Fire:


  Tramps, Science & Cola

  >> "Today I was kicked by a tramp" << 
  Read your Ginger Fuhrer's account of being
  accosted by a tramp on the London Underground.
  Includes photos. Lovely.

  >> Weebl's "What is 'Science'?" <<
  Science! Everybody's talking about it, but just
  what is it? After watching Jonti's singing,
  dancing spectacular we were, frankly, none the
  wiser. We're beginning to suspect he's not a
  real doctor at all.

  >> Cola explosion <<
  B3ta reader Exeterfan heard that when you put
  mints containing gum Arabic into fizzy pop it
  will explode. Judging by this, he heard right.


  Results from Robot Challenge

  Last week in a fit of insanity we asked you
  to put down Photoshop and pick up a camera
  and make images of yourself dressed as 
  your favourite robot.

  Imagine the power of being able to issue such
  an order. We are wanking now.

  We asked b3ta boarder Freddy Woo to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  #1 "Grumpy Cyberman - A Doctor Who favourite,
     it's the facial expression that scores
     the points.

  #2 "2P-P0 - building robots isn't just a hobby
     for rich media twats like us, you dole scum
     can join in the fun too."

  #3 "Cheese Grater Man - the game is to see how
     many other household objects you can recognise
     in his hastily-constructed costume.

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, a b3ta contributor gave us
  the suggestion, "The eighth deadly sin."


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * PIXEL STAR WARS - "Cheers for the newsletter
    mention, really made my day!" writes pixel
    art superstar Foldsfive, creator of the wee
    Star Wars anim we featured last week. He's
    finished the trilogy with Return of the
    Jedi. Let's hope to the god of fuck that
    he doesn't start on the abysmal shit that
    was the Phantom Menace and its ilk.

  * SWEARY TV - Seeing our Sky News link last
    week spurred Rayalix to write, "I was
    watching BBC Breakfast News. The 'Jam Cams'
    bit came on, and I suddenly saw the word
    'cunt' on the screen, where one set of
    titles were overlapping another set behind."
    As luck would have it, he had his camera on
    him. Take a look.

  * RELAXED CAT - bRaZZiN is a fluent Japanese
    speaker and tells us that "the TV playing
    in the background of that 'debuneko',
    'relaxed cat' clip from last week's newsletter
    is actually playing gay porn. To quote the
    guy with surly voice about midway 'Oh
    yeah yeah, feel the butthole, feel the

    to the lovely Hywel. "It wasn't Juliet Bravo
    that had a carrot anaemia storyline, it was
    District Nurse with Nerys Hughes. You're all
    cunts as well." Thanks for that. You cunt.


  Bouncing panda

  It's hard to improve on a classic, but this
  version of Arkanoid benefits from the addition
  of cute pandas, an unchallenging difficulty
  level and a soundtrack based on the pentatonic
  scale. Incidentally, that's the same scale John
  Lennon used to write 'Jealous Guy', fact fans.   



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * IS IT DONE YET? You can tell if spaghetti is
    cooked by throwing it at the wall. We're
    wondering if it works for other foods too;
    pork chops perhaps. Or maybe a nice lasagne.
    Can you test this out for us?

  * REAL INDOOR FIREWORKS - set off a rocket in
    your living room, maybe a Catherine wheel in
    your wardrobe or a Roman candle in the loft.
    All that flammable fiberglass. Mmm.
  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel and 
  David 'What goes Click.. "is it done yet"
  Click.. "is it done yet" Click.. "is it done yet"
  Click.. "is it done yet" Click.. "is it done yet"
  Click.. "is it done yet" Click.. "is it done yet"
  Click.. "is it done yet" Click.. "is it done yet"
  ..........David Blunkett with a Rubiks Cube.'
  Links sent in by Parrot of doom, Midas, rootsxrocks,
  Simon, bomberesque, oooh, Ed Siteman, gilgamesh,
  Woody and Joe
  Top Tippery by TerryNutkins
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike "A man goes to the zoo. When he gets there,
  there is only one dog. It was a shitzu." Trinder
  is QOTW bloke.
  Proofing by b4ta. (105555 - 30100)


  To get silverware sparkling find a container
  big enough for the item to be cleaned and place
  a piece of aluminium foil on the bottom, then
  add hot water and salt. Dip the silverware into
  the solution and after a few seconds it should
  be shining.

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