NEWSLETTER: "CHERIE BLAIR SEX CALENDAR"
This Week:
* POLITICS - Boris for PM
* LETTERS - Children write to Christopher Walken
* CUTENESS - The Yoda dog
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 204 - 11 Nov 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue204/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
All the Japanese imports you could ever want...
* Domo-kun plush toys & keychains
* Japanese T-shirt - "Beware of Perverts"
* "Oppai Ball" squeezable breast
* Downloadable Hentai Games in English
* Nude Ballet & Hundreds of DVDs
* 200+ Japanese anime & other calendars
You've got a friend in Japan
http://www.jlist.com/
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Cherie, Rathergood, Boris
>> Cherie Blair Sex Calendar <<
"I finally got around to finishing my Cherie
Blair calendar for 2006", pants Wasp Box,
"and after mild revulsion I thought I'd
submit it to the newsletter." Woo. This is
far from safe for work, but will be the
hottest link in the Houses of Parliament
this Friday. And we mean hot.
http://www.waspbox.com/gallery/Mrs_Blair_2006.pdf
>> Rathergood t-shirts <<
Joel's been making a new bunch of t-shirts.
They've got Red Army kittens and alco-monkeys
on them. And the Spongmonkey Moon things too.
Fantastic stuff. BTW: Joel sent us a Red Army
kitten one, and the official B3ta wife is
sleeping in it as we type.
http://www.bravadolive.com/rathergood
>> Vote Boris <<
We've got a soft spot for Boris Johnson:
OK he might be a Tory, but there's something
about him that screams wild boar sausages
and jolly boarding-school japes. Stevierar
wants him for our prime minister and asks
you to pledge your vote too. As we're going
to press, he's only got 15 votes, wonder
what it will be by this time next week?
http://www.pledgebank.com/yayboris
-------------------------------------------------
: GOING OUT IS THE NEW BROWSING THE WEB
Coming up, B3ta nights out...
Woo. We're really rather chuffed with our
calendar thing. You've been organising
yourselves into having drunken nights out,
and we salute you.
This Saturday there's a drink planned in
Nottingham, followed by a Thursday bender
in a Soho pub.
More details on our site, and remember,
you can organise your own events too.
Unless you are a furry.
http://www.b3ta.com/calendar/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Sticky, Toast, Godzilla
>> Sticky notes <<
In the 1997 film "Romy & Michele's High
School Reunion", the two title characters
attempt to re-invent themselves as successes
who have invented Post-It notes. Matt Facer
goes one louder by re-inventing the Post-It
for the webtard generation. The fun is that
you can read the notes left my others -
mostly obscene so far and likely to become
more so by the time this newsletter reaches
your inbox.
http://www.mattfacer.com/sticky/index.php
>> Toast Adventure <<
Seen all those bollocking eBay auctions
where some redneck chancer claims to have
seen the Virgin Mary in a slice of toast?
WLB has, and he's wondering if he can find
his own message from God by toasting
thousands of slices of bread. And we do
mean thousands. We particularly enjoyed
the photos of WLB laying on his toast bed.
http://www.weirdlittlebiscuit.com/toast/
>> Godzilla vs Brighton <<
Mutated Monty has been brightening up our
messageboard with his Monty Python on crack
photoshoppery for a while now. Now he's
turned his hand to flash in this mini-epic
of Godzilla skateboarding the streets of
Brighton. Lovely visual stuff, but we amused
ourselves at B3ta HQ by playing Meatloaf's
Bat Out Of Hell as the backing track instead.
http://www.cyriak.co.uk/skatezilla.shtml
-------------------------------------------------
: UNGOOGLABLE BAND NAMES
The Curse of The The
Recently we've been listening to the The The
album, Mind Bomb. It's great - completely mental
and oddly contemporary with its songs about
Islam rising and waging war on Christians.
When we get into a record, we like to google
about and get a bit of background info.
But poor old The The. "The" is a stop word,
i.e. a word that search engines mostly ignore
as being irrelevant.
So googling for The The doesn't find the band.
Typing "The The" into iTunes doesn't find the
MP3s.
Looking for The The on Amazon doesn't let you
buy the CDs either.
We wonder how many sales they've lost because
they've got a name that search engines don't
like?
The The. Condemned to cultural irrelevancy.
All because of a silly name.
BTW: We asked around B3ta HQ for other
ungooglable band-names and so far we've got:
'Them', '!!!' (aka ChkChkChk), 'A' and 'Fuck'.
If you can think of anymore then tell us at
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Ebaumsworld sucks <<
PUBLIC SERVICE BROADCAST: One of the problems
with sticking stuff out on the web is that others
nick it for their own sites. This is fine most
of the time, for, as long as the designers stick
their names on the item, it can be seen as
free promotion. However, some sites routinely
steal the most popular content, and sell
advertising on it. As the more popular videos
and games can do millions of views in a week,
this can add up to a serious amount of cash
with none of it going to the originators. We
mention this not as a great business model
you can copy (hello, Kontraband) but because
we and numerous others feel a bit peeved about
it. Thanks to Neil Cicierega - once famous for
his animutation series - for bringing this
issue to wider attention through the medium
of song.
http://ebaumsworldsucks.com/
>> Letters to Christopher Walken <<
The Artist-in-Residence at Cornell has asked
his students to write to Christopher Walken
as if he was Santa Claus. Surreal stuff:
"I liked you in Deer Hunter. For Christmas
I want a Tesla coil. Maybe we can go eat
burgers some time." Heh.
http://www.brandonbird.com/walken_letters.html
>> Gif of the week <<
It's the award the web industry fears, it's
B3ta's GIF OF THE WEEK. Check the doggy
animation half way down this page. Sublime.
Or shit. We can't decide.
http://www.caninefreestyle.com/
>> Nice stop motion video <<
When we were at school our English teacher
told us never to use the word 'nice'. "Biscuits
are nice," she said. Like that's a bad thing!
Anyway, this video is nice. Can't say we love
the song - as it takes the chorus from some
old Prodigy track and makes it all soppy, but
the end effect is... nice. BTW: This link was
sent it by Yank Meoff. A made-up name we thinks.
http://www.independ.net/planb
>> The iPod will never sell <<
Amused to read this ancient thread on the
launch of the iPod. Key quotes: "Just what the
world needs, another freaking MP3 player.
Go Steve!", "Why oh why would they do this?!
It's so wrong! It's so stupid!" Hindsight
is a beautiful thing...
http://forums.macrumors.com/showthread.php
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Yoda Dog
We noticed this photo of a dog dressed as Yoda
a couple of weeks back and it made us giggle
heartily. Had occasion to visit an office
yesterday and noticed people were using it
as wallpaper. You should too. It's a fine
picture.
http://voffka.com/archives/yoda_dog.jpg
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
I started a fire!
We got over-excited last week and asked a
question we'd already asked before. But
who cares when the answers are this good?
http://b3ta.com/questions/fire/
>> Throwing Wee at Douglas Hurd <<
"My Grandma, god rest her soul, wasn't so keen
on the old gits' home for the senile that my
parents had to put her in. Once there, her
antics included slinging a cup of wee at Douglas
Hurd, playing dead in her bed every morning for
a fortnight, and telling my parents that she was
raped 120 times in one week by the clearly gay
care manager. But the best had to be her deft
use of various cosmetics, a blanket and a
chair-leg to create a torch to light her path
as she ran through the home at 4am. Security
were forced to let her out lest she burned the
place down, and before the Police could get
hold of her she'd made it down to the
beach-front and thrown it through the
window of a games arcade. 'I don't like them
places,' was all she'd say on the matter."
(bossypops)
>> How to get thrown out of a gig <<
"A friend, wearing a flowery dress, DMs,
eyeliner and a few days' stubble, goes to see
Sultans of Ping. From the outset he was a bit
the worse for wear. Actually, I think that was
pretty much his ground state. Much wobbling in
time to music commences and said friend decides
some poppers might be a nice idea. Now,
I personally know nothing about them, so I
have no idea why he decided to set them alight
at that point, but there he is, flaming poppers
in hand, when he gets bumped by another SoP
gurner in the mosh. Poppers promptly spill over
his hand. The logical thing to do is therefore
move the bottle of poppers from the flaming hand
- which he does by throwing them to his other
hand. So now both hands are on fire, panic
starts to set in and he drops them all over
his feet. Stamping out the flames makes it
worse. In fact, it covers his boots in flaming
poppers. For a brief moment before he was
ejected, he was stood in the middle of the gig,
panic on his face, sister's flowery dress
flapping around his hairy legs, both hands
and both feet blazing away." (Fat Bear)
>> Sacrilegious Icon Shock <<
"Last year, my (quite Christian) school had
a bonfire as usual - however they let the
year 11s make the Guy. Being insanely clever,
they tied the Guy onto a wooden cross-shaped
support using STRING, despite repeated warnings
of what would happen. Anyhoo, it came to the
night, and the bonfire was lit from the bottom
- it reached the Guy, burnt through the string,
and the Guy promptly fell off. Leaving an
eight-foot burning crucifix which could be seen
for quite a way. Smooth." (Balue)
Finally, take a look at Stevierar's photo
of the 'Devil Fire'. Better than any face-of-
god-on-toast thing:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/fire/post42716/
>> This Week's Question <<
Make your weirdest teachers feel better about
themselves by abusing them on the internet:
http://b3ta.com/questions/weirdteachers/
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Eighth Deadly Sin Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to reveal the eighth
deadly sin.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/eighthdeadlysin/
We asked b3ta boarder MINCE! to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
MINCE! writes -
#1 "God - Even the list's creator needs some
Me time! Also for not being a pun. (Zak
McFlimby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5301917
#2 "Cake? Biscuit? - Who cares. The point is,
they're His cakes and you're not allowed to eat
them." (Strawberry Dragon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5283223
#3 "MySpace - Thank you, waru. Not enough people
realise this." (waru)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5286022
Honourable mention: "For completely misunderstanding
the competition, and placing Marmite in a list of
sins instead of list of Foods Of The Gods. Yum."
(mikenco)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5283472
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, the challenge dictator wants to
know about the games geeks play.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/geekgames/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BBC NEWS PRESENTER EMAILS B3TA - last week
we featured a TV screen grab where the cropping
made it look like they'd captioned the image with
"cunt". Nicola Beswick writes, "ah! imagine my
shock when my boyfriend's sister emails me your
newsletter and the link with ME and my sweary
travel news broadcast live on BBC London TV.
Shocker. You should tune in when we show the
camera on the M25 in Kent at 'Badger's Mount'
or the Orsett Cock Interchange in Essex.
Keep up the sterling work, chaps!"
* TOP TIP CORRECTION - Dan Bendel writes -
"Dear Ginger Fuhrer, as a final year
Biochemistry student I was shocked and dismayed
to read this week's newsletter. You casually
advised people to dunk their silver family
heirlooms in boiling hot salt-aluminium
foil solution in a bid to make it shiny
again. True enough it would make it shine,
but the mixture you're making there makes
Aluminium Chloride, which corrodes silver;
probably why your silverware comes out all
shiny! Repeat it a few times and you won't
have any more silverware." Remember kids,
weak acids cost knives!
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* REAL LIFE TROLLS - join your local cancer
support group and sit there smoking and
shouting, "My granddad lived to 90!" Or maybe
go to a Weight Watchers meeting with a bag of
doughnuts and sit there scoffing the lot.
Blog / photograph the embarrassment.
* ENORMOUS MAGNETS - get two really huge
magnets and film yourself and a friend
trying to push them together.
* URBAN AIR DROPS - throw Mars bars out of the
top floor of a building with home-made
parachutes and seeing if anyone eats them
once they float to the ground.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David "A Freudian slip occurs when you say
one thing but mean your mother." Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by Cherub, DeliriumSpong,
Kamikaze Stoat, Glued Eel, thisismyclone
darren, kirsten, iamcal & billy.gwinnutt.
Top Tippery stolen from kottke.org.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
TV - Space: Above & Beyond.
Music - The Kinks, Something Else.
Proofing by the Arthur b4ta Daley's.
(105744-30284)
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
Never order the second-least-expensive bottle
of wine; it's typically the one with the
highest mark-up on the list.
