we love the web
email us

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* WEEBL - singing AHA
* JAMES BLUNT -  hmmm, what rhymes with that?
* EASTENDERS - Steve McFadden naked at last

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 207 - 02 Dec 2005

Read this issue in your browser:

       Subscribe:  [email protected]
         Unsub:  [email protected]

  Sometimes, plastic surgery goes wrong

  "If you ever go under the plastic surgeon's
  knife, you need to know that they're not an
  incompetent gimp with gnats for brains. This
  latest clip shows what can happen if you
  wander into the wrong place."


  Weebl, Lighting farts & James Blunt

  >> Weebl sings Aha <<
  Enjoyable bit of fluff from Jonti here. His
  creations Weebl on Bob take on the classic
  Aha song "Take on me" complete with a small
  tribute to the pencil-drawn style of the
  original video. Although we're left wondering
  exactly where Weebls special places are, he's
  shaped like an egg for fucks sake. Answers
  on a postcard to...

  >> Mr Sheep lights his own farts <<
  Not shying away from the obvious in this weeks
  newsletter, here we bring you board-favourite
  Mr Sheep and a video where he ignites his own
  methane. Ok, we suspect that there might be a
  little video trickery at play here, but still,
  it brings a joy to our black hearts. BTW: respect
  to the Sheepster for performing whilst wearing an
  official B3ta t-shirt. Remember kids. We like
  people wearing this stuff, it's lovely lovely
  free marketing for us. And surely our sales
  are going to go stratospheric with this vid.

  >> James Blunt must die <<
  Round our way, James Blunt has become synonymous
  with "cunt" cockney rhyming-slang stylee. We're
  pleased to see that Eclectech and Doghorse
  have similar views and have versed them in
  this song and animation. A particular nice touch
  is the interactive element - you can throw
  tomatoes at Blunt. Lovely idea, although if it
  had been our project, we'd have whacked him
  with a plank of wood. (With rusty a nail in it.)


  Flirty mobile chat

  "Cut out all that polite chat and talk
  downright dirty to people while your boss thinks
  you're finally learning to enjoy your work. Text
  'flirty' to 89893 or visit


  Moments of shame

  Last week we asked for your most shameful
  moments. There's lots of very long, involved
  and frankly horrendous stories to read.

  Here's three of the shorter ones:
  >> Don't do drugs. They are embarrassing <<
  "On the piss in Newcastle, we decide to jump
  in a cab and head down to the coast to a
  nightclub. We'd had a couple of spliffs while
  waiting and were feeling well mellow. So,
  the cab is speeding down the motorway about
  90 miles an hour, radio is bellowing out
  tunes when all of a sudden one of my mates
  in the front seat yells: "STOP!!! STOP THE
  taxi-driver, thinking something dreadful has
  happened, swerves the car across three lanes
  of traffic and screeches to a halt on the
  shoulder. Mate jumps out onto the side of
  the road and starts dancing. "I fucking
  LOVE this record," he croons. I curled up
  into a ball and wanted to die..." (Legless)

  >> Luminous Horse Graffiti <<
  "I once spray canned the words "I AM A CUNT
  HORSE" in massive letters on the side of a
  horse in luminous green paint. Obviously I
  was very drunk. I nearly had a seizure two
  days later when I saw said horse in the same
  field being scrubbed by a geezer as I flew
  past on the Blackpool - London train." (hoogie)
  >> Paul's sister ROCKS <<
  "I wish I hadn't remembered this. When I was
  15-16 my friend's dad used to organise classical
  music dinner/concerts. Paul and I were charged
  with videoing the concert but decided that
  classical music sounds much better when stoned
  out of your mind so we decided to indulge. All
  the audio from the concert was going straight
  into the audio input of the camera, but in
  my state I accidentally left the camera mic
  on as well. The next morning, sat round his
  folk's house, in the middle of a quiet piano
  piece there comes my unmistakable voice saying,
  "Christ, Paul, I really want to fuck your
  sister hard." I ran, I ran as fast as my legs
  would carry me." (Akuru)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like your stories of the stage. Talk to
  us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Blake 7 fantasy art <<
  We once bigged-up Blake 7, after watching
  series 1 on DVD. Fantastic stuff. But a word to
  the wise: don't bother with the later episodes,
  the whole show falls apart until it becomes
  the campy ridiculous nonsense that sadly is
  the shows current reputation. A reputation which
  that will only grow on seeing this preposterous
  collection of homo-erotic fan-art. Particular
  props to the illustration of Blake befriending a
  unicorn captioned "It Followed Me Home", so
  that's how he explained the horsey pre-op to
  the missus...

  >> Cadbury's call Elton John "Fudge packer" shock <<
  "I was recently munching some Cadbury's Heroes and
  looking at the box.", informs Thos, "Each of the
  chocolate treats is drawn as a different character:
  The Twirl is twirling a hula hoop. The Whole Nut is
  a mad hatter. Then I got to the Finger of Fudge.
  It's got huge sparkly 1970's glasses. It's Elton
  John. I repeat. The Finger of Fudge is  Elton John.
  The Brummies at Cadbury World thought the
  anthropomorphised embodiment of a Finger of Fudge
  was best represented by Sir Elton of John."
  Blimey. He's right you know. (Although minus
  points for emailing us using the acronyms OMG and
  WTF. Dude. That's too lame.)

  >> MP3 Doorbell <<
  This bunch of geekoids have stumbled onto a great
  and extremely commercial idea: they've
  made a doorbell that can play audio samples.
  Sadly it's an almighty hack that requires
  playing the audio into the bell via a PC, but
  if some enterprising manufacturer could pick up
  the ball and make one that played MP3s directly
  off camera memory-cards, sites like Thinkgeek
  would have a product that would sell like
  big gay hot cakes.

  >> Ross Kemp & Steve Mcfadden: twits <<
  U.S readers won't be familiar with UK actors Ross
  and Steve, so here's a quick primer. Both found
  fame in popular TV soap Eastenders playing
  hard-men brothers, taking cues from the then
  recent gangster flick The Krays they are probably
  even ultimately responsible for Madonna marrying
  Guy "Public school twerp" Ritchie. Since then
  their careers have varied; McFadden is now more
  notorious for his ex-wife’s lurid tales of his
  dogging obsession, "he forced me to have sex
  with strangers in a car park" whilst Kemp went
  on to be lady-slapped by his wife and editor
  of The Sun newspaper Rebekah Wade. Both are
  now back in the sadly declining soap, which
  has been reduced to the shameful policy of
  re-introducing past-classic characters to try
  and beat a ratings slump, instead of solving
  the real problem: lack of editorial strong
  direction and weak writing. Anyway, still
  with us? We prefer to remember them this way,
  naked and dancing to disco-hit, Kung Fu Fighting.

  >> Myspace stupid haircuts <<
  Myspace has bitten us on the arse in a big way.
  Frankly, we hadn't heard of them until a few 
  months ago and then suddenly we were being
  sent Myspace songs, sitting in random meetings
  with people banging on about it and even 
  being invited to join by American teenage
  fans  of the b3ta site. Incase it's still
  dark in your cubbyhole: Myspace is a social
  site where people stick up music, blogs
  and photos of their life. Particularly
  addictive for teenagers, they use it to
  demonstrate their popularity to their peer
  group by collecting "friends" and compete
  to have more popular pages than each other.
  Science bit over, here's the fun bit: 
  some of them also have stupid hair. Heh.

  >> Loopy book censorship? <<
  Children’s books written in the past aren't
  always appropriate for kids today. Case in
  point being a certain notorious Enid Blyton 
  story that featured a gollywog called N-word.
  Although apparently written with no racist
  intent, it's would be clearly irresponsible
  to give such a book to a child of today. And
  so we come to the works of Richard Scary, and
  this interesting comparison on how his
  illustrations have been changed for the modern
  market-place. Frankly it's a prime candidate
  for a Daily Mail "political correctness gone
  mad" opinion piece. Quite why they think that
  images of mothers pushing kids in prams are
  wrong, and should be replaced by dads pushing
  prams is anyone’s guess. But we all know what
  The Mail would say, altogether now, "it's
  political correctness gone mad!"

  >> Fire + Pubes = Ow << 
  Ok, we're going to do this linky quickly. It's
  a video of a naked balding man who sets fire to
  pubic hair and then cries like a girl. What
  more could you want? 

  >> JCB video <<
  We've linked to the lovely video of the JCB
  song before, but we've just been sent a begging
  letter asking us to link it again to help the
  push for it being a Christmas Number 1. And
  er.. we watched it again and suddenly started
  to well-up. And that's exactly the emotional
  punch a song needs to get non-teens buying
  singles at Christmas. A HIT we thinks.


  Baby foxes

  Enjoying this charming picture of two baby
  brother foxes. Actually, with black-and-white
  fur they look more like a collie-dog than a
  fox and that's just what makes us want to yiff
  them more.


  Want this space? Then talk to us.

  Are you an agency? Are you looking to launch
  your website on B3ta? Don't sit there reading
  all the profiles on the messageboard and then
  spam all the nice people, just have a chat
  with us. It's really much easier than sneaky


  Results from the Anthropomorphisation Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to turn static objects
  into living beings.

 We asked b3ta boarder HairyCanary von Otter to
 judge the entries - here are her 3 faves.

 HairyCanary writes -

 #1 Dumped - Poor little thing. Who hasn’t felt
    like that? Simple and eloquent. (SarahBear)

 #2 Run Scruffy Run - love the clever use of found
    objects.  Predictable extra points for use of
    cat. (slim on the slug)

 #3 Time for bed - Yet for silly pinnate! (noodle

  Special mention to pdjpdj for their light switch
  series.  So simple and such sweet little personalities.
  I would never have seen a cowboy hat in a hook.

 >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, b3ta contributor Fire & Forget gave us
  the suggestion, "Oh No! moments from history"


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * MONKEY vs APE DEBATE - a hot inbox including
    comments from Neville Squamous, "Chimps aren't
    monkeys, but not because they don’t have a
    tail. For scientists, at least, one of the
    characteristics which defines all mammals is
    a post-anal tail. However, because this
    includes humans I think it's probably just
    scientists trying to be clever by including
    the fact that we have a tail whilst an embryo."
    Post anal tail? Pfffft! Also possible
    pub-bore joefish writes, "Actually, not having
    tails is not a suitable indicator of apes over
    monkeys. The so-called  'Barbary Apes' of
    Gibraltar are actually Barbary Macaques, a
    tail-less species of monkey. That's one that
    even your 'chimps are apes' pub-experts get
    wrong." Well, consider us told. 

  * BORIS JOHNSON VOTE - we previously mentioned
    a page which asked for your pledge to
    vote Tory on the condition that Boris was
    PM. About 700 of you did, so we guess
    most of our readers aren't actually secretly
    right-wing after-all. Even if Boris is all

  * EAR-CANDLES WORK - CaroWallis writes, "in 
    reply to your query about ear-candles. I
    can verify that ear candles are fab,
    especially if you have particularly waxy 
    ears. Somehow, perhaps by magic, the 
    wax/yucky infection stuff is lifted out of
    the ear by burning the 'candle', and is
    deposited on the inside of the tube."
    Ewww! CaroWallis has waxy ears! *Does waxy
    ear dance of yore*

  * SWEARING BUSH UPDATE - Dr. A. rightfully
    moans, "It was put together by my very
    talented video-editing mate Gav (he also did
    the "gaybetamax" Bush / Blair Electric Six
    video a while back), and it might be nice
    if you whack a credit at the end of the next
    newsletter for him.  It's actually a preview
    version that the creatures at wimp.com have
    found and, well, nicked. It was going to be
    used as a promo for my new website, but
    that's all fucked up now with it's premature
    release. Bah." Ooh, what a shame! But let
    that be a lesson to you dear readers, do
    not stick stuff on the web you don't want
    mailed round. If something is good, it WILL
    reach people.

  * ZIT vs CYST - Cysty informs, "That zit in
    your last newsletter wasn't actually a "zit",
    it's a cyst which is totally different for
    some reason. I know this because my balls
    are covered in them." Jesus mother of god!
    What is it with our readers? Waxy ears?
    cysty balls? In our head you all look
    like supermodels. Even the boys. 



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * Can't really be fucked thinking up some
    ideas this week, but our thought about an
    SD-card MP3 doorbell we mention earlier
    up is a good one.

  * Really this bit of the newsletter is the
    hardest bit to write, we always do it
    last and we bang our heads going, "must
    have idea" Er.. Wasps. We want mini-remote
    control wasps with radio cameras on them.
    They'd revolutionise film-making as you
    could shoot in places where it's too
    cramped to get a crew in. And think of
    the porn! And spying on young ladies
    making poo.

  * Darn-it. We've actually stuck two ideas in
    now, after claiming we weren't. Can we 
    make three? Er.. Book publishers! Can we
    write a book called "Things that make
    you go ahhh" and it just be a collection
    of cute looking animals and some slightly
    mental captions? It would sell, and we're
    right because we're fucking experts at
    this stuff. We shit you not.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel. (David
  Stevenson was asleep after Rob kept him up 
  for two days helping out on a flash video
  called Van Weasel for Capital Radio.)
  Links sent in by The Figurative Pineapple and
  others we'll credit next week.
  Top Tippery by ja
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. He is you know.
  Proofing by b4ta. (106130 - 32411)
  Answer to joke: Get another one to shout


  "If, like me, your fingers smell Quite Wrong
  for days after crumbling an Oxo cube try this: 
  Carefully unfold the corners of the foil on a
  cube and press flat to crush the cube in the 
  foil (it's a sealed package). Then tear off
  a corner and pour out the powdery loveliness. 
  Not only do your fingers remain untainted,
  but it's better than normal crumbling and so 
  dissolves super fast." FOR FUCKS SAKE! Do
  people really care about their fingers
  smelling of OXO? Our newsletter writing minds
  collectively boggle.

next issue »
« previous issue