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This Week:
* ANIM - It's a cow in a tree
* VIDEO - Biggest zit in the world
* PICS - How Germans make babies

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 206 - 25 Nov 2005

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  Big Chicken Rampage

  "Huge, angry cock anyone? Joel Veitch, Ben
  Wheatley and Rob Manuel teamed up with the folk
  from Glue London to produce the first in a
  series of viral ads for Virgin Trains. Check out
  the big trouble erupting in this small town..... 

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Cows, Eggs and Leo Blair

  >> Cow in a tree <<
  Well done to giant_squid for this charmingly
  surreal animation and song all about finding
  a cow up a tree. He's got a great visual   
  stylee thing going on - really ambitious, but
  done in a very simple way.

  >> Sucking eggs <<
  JimmerUK is testing aphorisms and this week it
  is "teaching your grandmother to such eggs".
  He couldn't find a grandma, so had to do the
  necessary himself. Basically, just keep
  scrolling. Eeew - gross.

  >> The world according to Leo Blair <<
  We very much enjoyed this musical recap of
  recent UK political history from the viewpoint  
  of the Prime Minister's infant son. Love   
  the scribbly hand-drawn pictures - looks like 
  Manic had a lot of fun making this. He puts
  the LOL into PoLOLitics. (Sorry Manic.)


  Cheating cheaty cheats

  Last week we wanted to know all the things at
  which you'd cheated:

  In amongst the many attempts to cheat the QOTW
  voting system there are some gems. Here are
  our favourite three:

  >> Guess Who Deep Throat <<
  "Once, on a long train journey, my brother and
  I were playing Travel Guess Who when I felt a
  tap-tap-tapping on my foot under the table. It
  was the fellow sitting to the immediate right
  of my brother. He had written the word 'GEORGE'
  on the top of the newspaper he was reading. Not
  wanting to blow my cover, I made sure that I
  waited until I had to guess between a few to
  stay in the game, before saying 'Is it George?'
  And it was. This went on for the whole journey -
  must have been six or seven rounds and my brother
  never cottoned on. Even one time when I had to
  guess from six remaining characters. I never saw
  my accomplice again." (Newton Crosby)
  >> Cheating is sexy <<
  "Lisa was my partner in crime when it came to the
  weekly spelling test. You had to swap your list
  with the person opposite, and mark each others
  spellings. We both got 20 out of 20, every week,
  for the whole year. I fancied her like mad. She
  pinched my bottom once - really made my day! We
  were only 11 so it seemed WELL SAUCY."
  >> This man will burn for all eternity <<
  "I have both a Blue Peter badge and dog collar,
  which has got me out of many a scrape including
  when I went to see Led Zepplin. The two factors 
  eant that I could stand at the edge of the stage,
  go to their back-stage party, and get friendly
  with groupies! No sex, but they seemed to find
  the idea of rubbing themselves up and down a
  priest very good fun. I have also used my collar
  to get out of speeding tickets ("I have to get to
  a funeral"), family events ("I have a ceremony to
  perform"), tea in skanky, chavvy, grease-scummed
  cups ("I'm full of tea from other parishioners,
  thanks"), baggage being scanned at airports ("Holy
  Water is affected by X-Rays"), builder's bills 
  ("The roof will be paid for" - heh, who's going
  to take a priest to court?) and the Poll Tax (but
  that wasn't really a cheat, it was just evil).
  The best little cheat that I play is that every
  week I don't give my parishioners their holy stuff
  .....it's just rice paper and shit wine. I spend
  the money that my parish gives me on proper booze
  and fags. Erm, this is probably my last post here.
  Even if you haven't sneezed: Bless You!"

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to confess your most shameful
  moments. Talk to us here:


  The biggest zit in the world

  WARNING: This is the grimmest thing we've ever
  linked to and we didn't even manage to get to the
  end of the video - possibly there are just some
  happy dancing bunnies. BTW: We do have to salute
  the choice of snake-charmer music for when the
  pus is coming out.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Blair - Bush swearing competition <<
  This is great - an international face-off between
  Blair and Bush, each trying to outdo the other
  in foul insults. All edited together from actual
  footage. Nicely done.

  >> Prog rock Christmas lights <<
  This rock-loving nerd has taken Christmas as
  the slight excuse he needs to transform his   
  house into some sort of prog-tacular, strobing
  extravaganza. We can imagine a little Jean-
  Michel Jarre gnome sitting on the doorstep.

  >> How Germans have babies <<
  An illustrated sex education book aimed at
  children; see how the beardy German man and 
  pigtailed German lady get it on. Especially
  likes the cheerful labour scene. But why is the 
  doctor carrying a hammer? "We're pretty sure
  it's going to be a baby, but it could be a bear"?

  >> Wank warning from history <<
  Afraid you're masturbating too much? Be afraid,
  as this 19th century French manuscript illustrates
  the inevitable, dire consequences of indulging
  in the occasional hand-shandy.

  >> Shooting off locks <<
  You've seen it in films, but how easy it in real
  life, or is it even possible? Redneck scientist
  Old_Painless took a selection of locks and
  firearms up into the hills to get a definitive
  answer. Next week he flips a Jeep and climbs
  out of it, just like on the A-Team.

  >> Anti-drugs waxworks <<
  This is bizarre Russian anti-drugs propaganda
  based entirely on wax models. Well-intentioned,
  but very freaky and not terribly accurate
  (Freddy Mercury did not die of drugs).

  >> Anti-rape condom <<
  A South African inventor has come up with a
  spiky female condom to fend off sex attackers.
  What sort of mad bint walks around with razors
  up her mimsie? And after going to all that
  trouble wouldn't it be a bit of a disappointment
  not to be raped?


  Baby caterpillar

  A lot of caterpillars, moths and butterflies
  have eyespots to mimic larger animals and scare
  off predators. This little fellow is the first
  caterpillar we've seen that successfully mimics
  a cute li'l puppy to soften the heart of any


  Results from the Songs to Gameshows Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to invent gameshows
  based on songs.

  We asked b3ta boarder The Figurative 
  Pineapple to judge the entries - here are his 3 

  The Figurative Pineapple writes -

  #1 Stairway to Heaven - Simple, yet elegantly 
     done. The guy on the right hammering the 
     button made it the winner. (frogdoctor)

  #2 Pretty Fly for a White Guy - This entry just
     fitted perfectly into the crap ITV gameshow
     schedule. Sheer genius. (CaL FiN)

  #3 You've Got to Hide Your Love Away - Makes me 
     laugh every time I look at it. Wonderful! 
     (*Lo-Fi Foetus)

  Honourable mention: Band on the Run - 
  If only... (chronic)

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, the Challenge Dictator has demanded 
  that inanimate objects be brought to life.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * WORLD'S UGLIEST DOG DEAD - sad to say, but
    hairless freak-dog Sam has passed away at the 
    age of 14. "I don't think there'll ever be
    another Sam," said his owner, adding, "Some
    people would think that's a good thing." 

    scores of people who wrote in to point out
    that chimps are apes - they have no tails.
    To be honest, we were well aware of that. We
    just prefer the word 'monkey'. Call us wrong...



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WALNUT VS WINDOW - Kendra writes - "my dad
    reckons that if you throw a walnut at a pane
    of glass, the shell will break completely
    off the walnut but the glass will remain
    intact." Does some one want to test this
    with video?

  * BIRMINGHAM EAR SPARKLERS - We saw some ear
    candles for sale in our local Chinese medicine
    shop and wondered how effective they are?
    Why not try sparklers as an alternative.
    Take photos.

  * PENIS ROCK - Just reading this lovely little
    site on how to design your own stick of rock.
    Please make some rude ones. We will love you

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by bobbynojob, junglejimmer,
  freeeky, don_howarth, magictorch, jspearmint,
  THE RAND CORPORATION, diyjoe, smoothpete and
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  DID YOU KNOW? Spelling Neil Armstrong backwards
  give you "GNORTS, MR ALIEN"? Spooky.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Proofing by the rabid b4ta dogs. 
  (105971 - 42045)

  Don't waste money on a case for your iPod. Use
  a sock from Baby Gap to protect it. "I find the
  6-12 months size works best," writes simonarsenal.
  "I used one belonging to my son. He's got a cold
  foot but at least my iPod shouldn't get scratched."

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