NEWSLETTER: "WHAT CAN TURN A FRUIT INTO A VEGETABLE?"
This Week:
* DODGY ITEM CORNER - Stuff we shouldn't link...
* SUBTITLES - CCC turns his genius to France
* COCK ROCK - Literally rock made with cock
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're sniffing your
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| wrists... together"
B3ta email 208 - 9 Dec 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue208/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Cock rock, subtitles and cartoon portraits
>> French film subtitle gag <<
CCC is a b3ta newsletter legend. Among other
things, he faked a superhero in Tonbridge Wells
(and got it in the news) and invented a fictional
son with the equally fictional 'wolfboy syndrome'.
This week he has been busy with the trailer to a
feelgood French flick and, with his magical
subtitle stick, changed the meaning completely.
The result? Excellence - a film about an
irascible old Frenchman and the daughter he hates.
http://media.putfile.com/papillon_0001
>> Penis cane <<
A few weeks ago we requested someone make
seaside rock with little knobs running all the
way through it. Don't know why. Probably drunk.
Anyway, Xxmiskatonicxx has obliged our whimsy
with these lovely, and surprisingly recognisable,
quality items. Almost look good enough to eat.
Although perhaps, on reflection, you shouldn't.
http://www.livejournal.com/community/craftgrrl/740...
>> Cartoon Blur portrait tutorial <<
Like the cover of Blur's best of album? Stuck
for something to do and fancy a bit of a bash in
Photoshop? Itchy Squirrel has come up with a
tutorial to show you how to turn any photo into
one of those snazzy Julian Opie-style cartoon
faces. Might make a good (ie. free) Christmas
present for a loved one.
http://www.family-portrait-artists.com/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Hot geek ladies <<
Here's a tip for the ladies who wish to date
geeky men: pose with some network boxes and
the boys will come flocking. Actually, scrub
that, the geeky boys will walk over broken glass
if you simply show a slighest bit of interest.
Actually, scrub that, this is just an excuse to
show some pictures of pretty ladies to our male
readers. (And some hot fashion tips for the
ladies! Scrub that. etc etc.)
http://www.hwpr0n.se/
>> Faith the limbless Christmas Dog <<
Longer-term readers will remember Faith,
the dog with no front legs, we featured
many moons ago. You'll be pleased to know
she's back and all dressed up for
Christmas. Last time we described her as
looking like a velocoraptor. This time
we'll just say, "ahhh. isn't she brave
with her angel wings and no front legs.
so brave."
http://snipurl.com/gottahavefaith
>> Naked dead art <<
Pet theory time: let's say you'd taken up
serial killing as writing about web bollocks
didn't give you the same orgasmic high that
it once did (for example, not us, no sire),
and let's say you'd started blogging photos
of your quarry, splitting them like deer
in a hunters' lodge, would anyone even notice?
There's so much freaky shit on the web, surely
visitors would assume the photos of
dismembered corpses were just some crappy art
project? Pretty exciting build-up huh? That
it doesn't quite match the links content of
a bloke photoshopping himself into a series
of slightly rubbish, but disturbingly dead
poses, is something we'll hope you won't
notice with our cunning writerly slight-of-hand.
http://aspectaculardeath.blogspot.com/
>> Company songs vol. 8 <<
Cast your minds back, newsletter readers,
to times of yore when people emailed round
MP3s of corporate company songs and were thus
entertained by such balderdash and piffle. Oh
those times are on us again and er... Right
it's time to laugh at some Germans, who are
probably already laughing at themselves anyway.
BTW: The 2004 song is our favourite, remaking
Abba's Super Trooper with some surprisingly
ambitious harmonies. Altogether now, "it's
the perfect place for a trade fair..."
http://www.messe-duesseldorf.de/drupa/en/sp_song_2...
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: SIGNS OF THE APOCOLYPSE
Helping Satan work in the market-place
>> Cock knives <<
Serial killers! Sick of stabbing young ladies
in impotent rage and frustrated you can only
ejaculate on the point of violence where she
dies beneath your blade? Stab them in style
with this ball-hilted knife, and they'll
never mock your performance again. Oh for fuck's
sake. Who in this day and age can these knives be
possibly aimed at except psychos and teenage boys
with subscriptions to "Guns and Ammo" magazine?
http://www.interknife.co.uk/shopping/bollockdagger...
>> USB Slippers <<
We have a theory that if you add the word USB to
anything then it will immediately become one of
these magic links that people email round and
every blogtard links to. Let's look around the
room and see what we can improvise into a new
product. USB Air-freshener: keep your PC
fresh with the deliciously clean, crisp scent of
juicy apples; USB Cigarette Lighter: never
be without a light again; USB Bongos: actually
this isn't a joke, we really want some USB
bongos to make bong-bong noises whilst we
nerd-out. Anyway, you want a point to this
blurb? Right, check these Japanese USB
slippers. We imagine they warm your feet
and make them toasty, but as we don't read
Japanese, it might be a control for some
"old lady simulator" computer game. Or a way
of backing up your photos into your toenails.
And that's the fun. Spend five minutes
thinking about exactly what you'd like USB
slippers to really do. And maybe, if you wish
really hard, all your dreams will come true.
http://www.thanko.jp/usbslippers/index.html
>> Fist dildo <<
Ok, it's not too extraordinary that you can
buy a fist-shaped dildo on the interwebs, but
it's the context that amused us. We simply
didn't expect to see such filth on the family
shopping site, Amazon. Also the reviews are
amusingly toungue-in-cheek, "I enjoy being
punched in the vagina by normal people-hands,
but this fist of fury trumps them all!" or
"Some synthetic hair on the arm would have
been nice, as well. Something Robin
Williams-ish." or even the slightly sad
"I would not recommend it for stroke victims
or the elderly." Click here for your cheap
laughs.
http://snipurl.com/kmvr
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: VIDEO SMIDEOS
Fuck the bandwidth, Mum's on Broadband
>> Emo song<<
The official b3ta wife came home from the office
the other day and said, "there's this work
experience girl in. She's about 15 and has been
telling me about Emos. Apparently they're just
rubbish goths and all the girls at school think
they're pathetic." Watching this video, we can
see what she means. However, very secretly we
think if we were still 15 maybe we'd be a bit
Emo too.
http://www.zippyvideos.com/3551143681244776/finish...
>> "Mah Na Mah Na (do do do do do) <<
Oh come on. If the Emo song has left you feeling
a bit wappy, then put on a party with this
nostalgic hit from The Muppets. Possibly the
most joyous bit of music ever created. BTW: We've
just looked up the song on wikipedia and they've
given us a little fact that we'd love to see a
video of, "Lily Savage, aka Paul O'Grady, used to
close her cabaret act at London's Vauxhall
Tavern in the late 1980s with a deadpan
rendition of 'Mah Na Mah Na', accompanied by
sidekick Skippy the Fox."
http://www.devilducky.com/media/7452/
>> Smart Cars <<
Right we have two smartcar stories and we'll
do them quick. 1: An old work-mate of ours bought
a smart car and gave us a lift one night. We pulled
into a petrol station and a burly bloke knocked
on the window, "Your back window is cracked"
"Nope" we replied turning round to check, "Soon
will be you bunch of queers driving a poof's car
like that." On later relating this story to a
kindly old uncle at a wedding he got the wrong
end of the stick and got the idea that driving
a Smart Car is a secret code for being homosexual,
like the hankie code in the 1970s, with softop
meaning bottom, hardtop obviusly the Mr in the
relationship and driving on the left-hand side
meaning "continental breakfast." Actually
we're completely making this up, so watch some
vids of what happens when one of these tiny
boxes hits concrete instead.
http://video.google.com/videoplay
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http://worksmart.org.uk/pup
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Things that make you go ahh, ahh, ahh...
>> Wombats <<
Holy smokes! We're not entirely sure what this
laid-back fellow actually is - although we're
reliably informed he's a wombat.
http://www.nctexasbirds.com/australia/year2/P32200...
>> Spiders <<
We don't like spiders and we're not ashamed to
admit it. If only they all looked as cute as this
wide-eyed little fellow. Perhaps not quite as big.
http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne
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: DODGY ITEM CORNER
Stuff we like but are a bit scared to link to
>> Wigs for kids <<
Oh fucking hell. This is an impossible write-up,
we're going to be pilloried for a "b3ta sinks to
new low and laughs at kids with cancer" thing.
But that's not why we're linking. No sir, firstly
we're weirded out by the premise: "donate your
hair to make wigs for kids who've lost theirs."
Yes. Donate your hair. And secondly you might
notice, they've named these children
"LOL Kids" as in Locks Of Love rather than the
popular internet acronym "Laugh Out Loud."
Anyway, we wish these kids a lot of luck and
hope that many of our more hirsute readers
donate some hairs for their brave little baldy
heads.
http://www.locksoflove.org/gallery_recipients.php
>> Brownies <<
Ok, just like the wiggy cancer kids, we're now
linking to an item that our haters will say,
"new low for b3ta. they're peddling rascism."
But we say, who's the real racist? The art
director who approves a book cover for junior
girl-guides with a young black girl on the
cover wearing a t-shirt saying "Brownie", or
us for pointing it out? Oh, don't hate us, black
people, we're down with the homies, we've dancing
to MC Hammer as we write this.
http://images-eu.amazon.com/images/P/0852602227.02...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
On the stage
Last week we asked for your experiences on the
stage. We've collected three good ones here, but
do follow the link and read Humpty Dumpty's epic
trombone experience - it's awesome:
http://b3ta.com/questions/onthestage/
>> Dib dib blob <<
I was 11 years old and one of Baden Powell's
finest female recruits. I was starring in
The Gang Show... I had my very first period
on stage in front of 500 people whilst singing
'Bare Necessities' from the Jungle Book
dressed as a cave girl. My therapy bill is
astronomical. (Rakky)
>> Magic show <<
When I was eight, I was dragged out of the
audience at some bloody awful variety show at
our village hall to help the magic act. I had
to help hold up a curtain while the Great Wazoo's
old and wrinkled assistant, Brenda, escaped
from a box she had been padlocked inside. Well,
fuck me stupid, if the old cow was only
escaping out of a flap in the side. Nobody
would listen to my protests at the extreme
lack of actual magic going on, so I took it
into my own hands to reveal the fraud going
on in front of my very eyes. I let go of the
curtain, to reveal a surprised looking pensioner
in a leotard trying to crawl to safety. I
remember the Great Wazoo's words as if they
were yesterday: "Brenda! Get back in that
fuckin' box!" Then: "You little bastard."
I fled. My stage career was over." (Scaryduck)
>> Health and Safety First <<
My sister was in a local youth theatre group
and one performance of "Agamemnon" sticks in
my mind... The director was a pretentious luvvie,
with no time for any of their opinions or ideas.
So when he announced that the entire cast would
be hanging off a scafold tower for part of the
play, no one dared mention that it would only
support a maximum of 8 people. All went well in
rehearsals but on the morning of the opening
night, the tower fell backwards complete with
the now screaming actors and crashed to the
ground. Those on the lower levels (including my
sister) were relatively unharmed, but about half
the cast had to be rushed to hospital with broken
bones, concussion and serious head injuries.
Rather than cancel, refund the money to those
with tickets or even phone the parents of those
who were now in casualty, he did what any hard
labouring director would have done and pressed
on with the performance, with about half of the
remaining cast. It made no sense, as many scenes
had to be cut due to lack of conscious people,
but the best bit was at the end where one of the
actors had a solo speech. She walked towards the
front of the stage, made to start her speech,
threw up into the audience, passed out and was
promptly rushed off to hospital to get her head
looked at. I was the only person clapping at the
end. (feminist sweepstakes)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like to hear about your worst (or best)
birthdays. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/birthdays/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the "Oh No!" moments Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to show us great "Oh No!"
moments from history.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/historyohno/
We asked b3ta boarder Mr Horrible to judge the
entries, which he did, but he didn't give us
any words as to why he liked them so instead
we're going write about three least favourite
letters of the alphabet.
Mr Horrible selected -
#1 CAPSLOCK - wE oNLY pRESS tHIS bY aCCIDENT.
It's the work of satan and should be
banished to a lower dimension.
(Chernobyl - Mr T)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5403565
#2 INSERT KEY - Another key we press by
accident, and then type over half the
paragraph we've just written. Poo-ey sick.
(Franz Ferdinand - Rico)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5389255
#3 ¬`¦ - Whatever the fuck that key is to the
left of the 1 key. We don't know what it
does and we're suspicious of it.
(Creation - Strawberry Dragon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5384831
Right! And let that me a lesson to you Mr
Horrible. If you don't do the write-ups we'll
do them for you and they'll be rubbish.
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, b3ta contributor harryfreeze gave us
the suggestion, "What we don't want for Christmas"
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/worstchristmas/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* EARWAX CANDLES - THE TRUTH. In issue 207 we
allowed CaroWallis to claim that they work.
It seems we may have been wrong:
>> Don't believe CaroWallis' waxy-eared
endorsement. Earwax candles are a rather
simplistic trick designed to prey upon the
guillible and stupid. Here's the scam: the
paper itself is coated with wax. One lights
the end of it, and as the paper burns, the
yellow wax drips down into the candle,
looking very much like earwax to the less
logically-inclined. (etruatcaelum)
>> Ear candling is hogwash and your correspondent
CaroWallis must be simple. The wax visible in
an ear candle after burning is generated by
the candle itself. These New Age auropyric
gimcracks are only for the clinically thick.
(Elba Goodey)
>> Surely, if such magical suction could be
obtained from a candle, someone would have
invented blowjob candles by now? (wingnutkj)
>> They are utter crap. And more likely to give
you a burn rather than clear any wax. I say
this in my professional capacity - I am and
Ear, Nose and Throat surgeon. Warmed olive
oil drops work far better. Or, if you want
to be really clever, 5% Sodium Bicarbonate
solution, which is better than any of the
crap they sell in Boots. (Mr Stephen O'Hanlon
MBBChir(cantab) MRCS DOHNS, Clinical research
in ENT surgery, Imperial College, London)
>> Me and a few mates were convinced to try it
by some hippie girl. I was so determined to
prove her wrong that I ate the wax from
everyone else's candle. Everyone I know
knows what ear wax tastes like, and if you
say you don't you're a liar. This stuff did
not taste like ear wax. (Danimal)
Further reading here:
http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a5_098.html
* MONKEY Vs APES CONTINUES as if anyone cares.
We are instructed that "If one disregards New
World monkeys (such as tarsiers) from the
equation, the best way to tell the difference
between monkeys and apes is to look at the
number of cusps in their molars. Apes (including
humans) have 5 cusps, whereas monkeys have 4."
Warning: Bitey, scratchy beasts may object to
poking about in their mouths.
* HOW DO YOU GET A GRANNY TO SHOUT 'C*NT? is what
we asked at the start of last week's newsletter.
emmakane wrote to tell us that "My nan, aged 82,
is prone to shouting, 'You're going too fast
you cunt!" if she happens to be in a car and
the driver dares to go over 20 mph. Just thought
I'd share." Thanks, Emma.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* VIBRATOR HOVER-BOARD - someone sent a link
in earlier for a Bluetooth vibrator, i.e.
you send a text message to this egg thing
and, assuming it's been desposited up your
wife's mimsy, then she'll get an exciting
buzz. But but but! It costs £200, which is
fucking fortune, and by our reckoning would
buy 50 x £3.99 cheapo vibrators, which you
could nail to a plank of wood and attempt
to air-surf like Marty McFly in Back to
the Future II. Oh go on. Can someone please
do this? It would look funny.
* SIR CLIVE SINCLAIR RAP - noticed this eBay
auction where a rapper was offering his
services to make a track dissing your mates.
Sadly, the auction has run out now, but sniff
around eBay and find something similar and
ask them to create a rap attack from Sir
Clive on Sir Alan Sugar. Key phrases should
be "48k, AK 47", there's probably some way
of shoe-horning "colour clash" into something
about race wars. The whole thing should break
down into a version of William Blake's Jerusalem,
"And did those feet in ancient time, walk
upon England's mountains green?" Because, Sir
Alan, Clive is going to get messianic on
your 8-bit ass.
http://snipurl.com/rappywoo
* CONTACT AD PHOTOSHOPPING - stick your boss's
head on a sexeee body in a contact magazine.
Film his reaction on being shown. Or go and
meet all the people who contact him/her
whilst wearing a photocopy of their head
over your own face. Have sex with them.
Keep quiet about it. It can be our secret.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by oh fuck it's 2pm, we'll stick
them in next week we promise.
Top Tippery by google.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Proofing by the hangin' b4ta homekeys.
Answer to question: AIDS.
(106257 - 31055)
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TOP TIP:
Buy two pairs of shoes if you discover a model
that is working well for you.
