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This Week:
* SNOWMEN - Wanking with happiness
* MERCH - Buy a B3ta enamel badge for Xmas
* VIDEO - Worst rap battle ever

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 209 - 16 Dec 2005

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  Evil Knievel game

  A couple of new flash games this week from Kerb.
  The first one goes out to anyone still pining
  for their old Evil Knievel gyroscopic stunt
  cycle or in fact to anyone who simply likes
  watching gratuitous accidents.


  Wanking snowman, B3ta badges and Trampy tramps.

  >> Snowman wank <<
  "Hello," beams Mike Fishcake. "I've been
  scribbling on bits of paper with pencil crayons
  for what seems like days on end, in order to
  bring this piece of obscene and puerile animation
  to the web." Oh dear, Mike. What would Aled
  Jones say?

  >> B3ta enamel badges <<
  Denise has been beavering away behind the scenes
  to bring you new lovely official merchandise.
  At three quid, our new Enamel Furtive pin is
  dirt-cheap and you can possibly use it as a
  secret sign that you're a B3ta person, like
  masons rolling up a trouser leg. Whether it
  will get you off traffic offences with the
  filth remains to be seen. BTW: There's also
  new t-shirt colours too. Woo.

  >> Christmas Tramp <<
  UK glam rockers, Slade used to release Merry 
  Everybody, every bloody year. If it's good
  enough for Noddy, then it's good enough for
  us, here's Tramp-o-Claus signing "Tramp O Claus
  is coming to town", one more time...


  Best and worst birthydays

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.

  Last week we asked you to tell us about your
  best or worst birthdays:

  * SIBLING RIVALRY - "Aged 4 at the time, my
    brother, born in January is, technically
    speaking, just a shade under 2 years older
    than me, being born the year after in
    December. I spent an entire day strutting
    around, aware of the fact that my brother
    was six and I had just become 5: It clearly
    wouldn't be long before I became older than
    him. My big, wise and old 6 year-old brother
    realised my infallable logic was correct,
    and subsequently spent the rest of the day
    in tears. (Humpty Dumpty was Pushed)

  * SEPEMBER 11th - "I have my birthday on Sept.
    11th, so 2001 was...different. Wasn't too
    fussed though - got a PS2. (Beans)

  * PROBABLY LIES - "As a young lad my birthdays
    were normally fairly standard stuff. But on
    my 14th birthday, not only did I get a whole
    load of great pressies (a Walkman, a BMX,
    and four "Game & Watch" games) but I also
    lost my virginity, in the broom cupboard
    with my blonde 27-year-old English teacher!
    My arse did hurt for weeks afterwards

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to tell us about the crap you
  believed whilst on drugs. Should be a good one.


  Spy Hunter game

  The second Kerb link is an homage to the classic
  arcade game Spy Hunter - but with an interesting
  twist that might well result in it having been
  removed by the time you click this link.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Punky pictures <<
  We're enjoying Flickr more and more these days,
  as you can stumble on really interesting stuff
  like this series of pics - a record of the UK
  pop scene circa 1976. Standout image, a young
  Johnny Rotten in a revolting semi-Burberry
  outfit - a chav before his time.

  >> Worst rap battle... evah! <<
  Words fail us in trying to convey the absolute
  shitness of these two slack-jawed wanna-be
  freestyle rap prodigies. "You, you're, uh, gay"
  is about as good as it gets. BTW: You might
  notice the file's hosted on Putfile. If you
  live in Singapore you may as well not bother
  clicking on the link because, to quote their site,
  "Putfile prefers to not continue to provide our
  free uploading service to a country that executes
  prisoners by hanging." We also hear they don't
  operate in Japan. No idea why that might be.

  >> Brass knuckle chest implants <<
  These lovely ladies have chosen to have a silicone
  replica of a set of brass knuckles implanted over
  their collar-bones. For what purpose we cannot
  fathom. A ZX-81 keyboard would be much better.
  And the texture would be pretty accurate too.

  >> Crucifixion slapstick <<
  Mel Gibson's Passion is a notoriously hard-hitting
  version of the Jesus story. But what happens when
  you dub the Benny Hill show music over the top?
  Comedy gold, that's what. Oh, and eternal damnation.

  >> Pong clock <<
  It's a clock that shows the time through the score 
  on an ever-lasting game of retro-games classic Pong.
  A very nice thing indeed - and slowly meandering its
  way up the b3ta Chrissie pressie list.

  >> Racist word association <<
  Short sketch from the late, great Richard Pryor.
  A bloke's job interview involves a word-association
  session that takes an untoward and unexpectedly
  acrimonious turn.

  >> Worst logo evah <<
  Amik, mascot of the 1976 Montreal Olympics is
  a meant to be a beaver wearing a sash. Not that
  you'd know it from looking at him - he's just
  a shitty black blob - but the Olympics people
  are still parading him round on their site like
  he's something to be proud of! Have they no shame?

  >> Tallest man in the world <<
  Poor Leonid Stadnyk - a hormonal balance in his
  teens led to him becoming the world's tallest man
  - over eight feet tall and still growing. We
  really shouldn't stare, but fucking hell, he is big.
  Interestingly, some people reckon he's a fake and
  all his pics are posed next to specially-selected
  midgets and tiny buildings.

  >> Shittest CV award <<
  There are some places you really ought not to
  make a typo. Your online resume is one of them.
  Particularly when it's as outrageous as the
  one young Yemi Adenle makes when listing his
  'Additional Skills'. At least, we very much
  hope it's a typo.


  Japanese stuff delivered... 

  J-List is a pretty cool place that sells
  everything from Japan you could want:
  * Domo-kun business card holders
  * Japanese T-shirts that say "ecchi" "sukebe"
    and "I'm looking for a Japanese girlfriend"
  * World's best selection of hentai dating-sim
    games for PCs, with downloadable games
  * Totoro plush toys, blankets, and bento boxes
  * Black Black caffine gum, Japan-only Kit Kat
  * A whole bunch of anime, JPOP, bikini and film
    star 2006 calendars

  Please visit us now -- you've got a friend in Japan


  Rearing rabbit
  Little bunny rabbits are pretty standard fare,
  here at cute corner - so believe us when we 
  tell you just how adorable this little baby is,
  all reared up on his hind legs. He looks like
  he's just hopped out from the pages of Beatrix
  Potter. Although we suppose he'd be naked, which
  she wouldn't have approved of.


  Results from Worst Christmas Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted crap Christmas presents.

  We asked b3ta boarder Freddy Woo to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Freddy Woo writes -
  #1 - "AIDS TEST RESULTS. Actually I recently
       got AIDS for my birthday. My wife bought
       me a HIV cuddly toy.

       watched Superman III. It's odd that both
       Reeve and Richard Prior both ended-up
       in a wheelchair.

  #3 - "DARTH VADER PUNS. I'm never quite sure
       about puns, but they came so thick and
       fast in this gif, I couldn't resist. BTW:
       Best pun ever? Better a bottle in front
       of me than a frontal lobotomy..."

  >> This Week's Challenge <<
  This week, b3ta contributor GoldenFanjita
  gave us the suggestion, "Music and Food". So
  er.. yay for more puns.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * THE USB SLIPPERS, as featured in last issue,
    are, it seems, an electric blanket-type-deal
    for office ladies with cold feet. Apparently,
    office heating in Japan is crap and the
    government tries to keep office thermostats
    at 19 degrees. So these are a subversive way
    for the ladies to keep their feet warm in
    defiance of any Kyoto Protocol legislaion.
    Go them! Thanks mwilce!
    mike_hunt, "i clicked on the Smart Car clip
    and the muppet song at the same time. May I
    suggest watching the Smart Car hit the
    concrete while listening to ma na ma na
    do do do do do? It's genuinely delightful."

  * LOCKS OF LOVE, the 'hairpieces for cancer kids'
    charity that we so heartily (but guiltily)
    mocked last week is, we are told, rather on
    the dodgy side. Apparently they sell off any
    excess hair donations for a fat profit. So if
    you were going to donate, think again. Send your
    hair clippings to a real charity, like the 
    RNLI or something.


  Tactical Assassin
  Viewing the world through the narrow tunnel of
  your sniper scope, it's your job to assassinate
  key stickman bad guys as a government marksman.
  It's kind of disturbing that thegun you're meant
  to be using is described in detail, while the
  human targets remain indistinct. Although, if
  being a state-sponsored assassin is really this
  much fum, we are in the wrong job.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * COULD PEGASUS FLY? - winged mythological
    horse Pegasus flew using magic. How big
    would a horses wings have to be to actually
    fly? We suspect the answer is 'fucking
    massive'. Please illustrate with diagrams
    and exciting science equations.
   * THE TIME RAPIST - it occurs to us that if we
    had a time machine we'd be able to rape
    pretty ladies in the 1950s and cave-girls
    and then scoot back to the 21st century
    scot-free. Can someone film this as a an
    explotative b-movie please?

  * AMUSING PACKAGING, a reader mentions, "just
    seen a packet of organic sausages marketed by
    Antony Worral-Thomson, next to his picture
    it says 'prick with a fork'." Keep your eyes
    peeled for stuff like this, and next time,
    send a bloody photo!

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel and 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent for the last three weeks sent in by
  Thos, jwtaylor876, miketynan, Apache, 
  princessofinsufficientlight, Spanishcatfish,
  GiGi, Mark, muriel_amaechi, The Figurative
  Pineapple, kgpratt, Dunk, Gosh, megan.sauter,
  st3x, Mr_Maginty, sarahahahah, t3h.kitteh,
  Darren, Wor Kev, lemony, Somersetchris, Andy
  Stevenson, Derson, blackarmadillo,
  chipmunkwarrior and, of course, louveciennes.
  Top Tippery by wifeb3ta
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  *** Answer to joke: A Sanitary Owl. ***
  Proofing by the woo b4ta yays. (106404 - 34474)

  Run out of tupperware for freezing your
  left-over curry? Line a dry bowl with clingfilm,
  fill the bowl, fold the film loosely over the
  top and freeze. Retrieve the bowl after freezing.
  Return to same-sized bowl for microwave
  defrosting. The bonus is that curry is usually
  a bit nicer after a little while in the fridge
  or freezer.

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