NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S RED, WHITE, FLUFFY AND SITS IN A TREE?"
This Week:
* SNOWMEN - Wanking with happiness
* MERCH - Buy a B3ta enamel badge for Xmas
* VIDEO - Worst rap battle ever
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 209 - 16 Dec 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue209/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Evil Knievel game
A couple of new flash games this week from Kerb.
The first one goes out to anyone still pining
for their old Evil Knievel gyroscopic stunt
cycle or in fact to anyone who simply likes
watching gratuitous accidents.
http://www.easywatch.com/watches
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Wanking snowman, B3ta badges and Trampy tramps.
>> Snowman wank <<
"Hello," beams Mike Fishcake. "I've been
scribbling on bits of paper with pencil crayons
for what seems like days on end, in order to
bring this piece of obscene and puerile animation
to the web." Oh dear, Mike. What would Aled
Jones say?
http://www.teamfishcake.co.uk/article.php
>> B3ta enamel badges <<
Denise has been beavering away behind the scenes
to bring you new lovely official merchandise.
At three quid, our new Enamel Furtive pin is
dirt-cheap and you can possibly use it as a
secret sign that you're a B3ta person, like
masons rolling up a trouser leg. Whether it
will get you off traffic offences with the
filth remains to be seen. BTW: There's also
new t-shirt colours too. Woo.
http://snipurl.com/b3tashop
>> Christmas Tramp <<
UK glam rockers, Slade used to release Merry
Everybody, every bloody year. If it's good
enough for Noddy, then it's good enough for
us, here's Tramp-o-Claus signing "Tramp O Claus
is coming to town", one more time...
http://www2.b3ta.com/merrychristmas/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Best and worst birthydays
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked you to tell us about your
best or worst birthdays:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/birthdays/
* SIBLING RIVALRY - "Aged 4 at the time, my
brother, born in January is, technically
speaking, just a shade under 2 years older
than me, being born the year after in
December. I spent an entire day strutting
around, aware of the fact that my brother
was six and I had just become 5: It clearly
wouldn't be long before I became older than
him. My big, wise and old 6 year-old brother
realised my infallable logic was correct,
and subsequently spent the rest of the day
in tears. (Humpty Dumpty was Pushed)
* SEPEMBER 11th - "I have my birthday on Sept.
11th, so 2001 was...different. Wasn't too
fussed though - got a PS2. (Beans)
* PROBABLY LIES - "As a young lad my birthdays
were normally fairly standard stuff. But on
my 14th birthday, not only did I get a whole
load of great pressies (a Walkman, a BMX,
and four "Game & Watch" games) but I also
lost my virginity, in the broom cupboard
with my blonde 27-year-old English teacher!
My arse did hurt for weeks afterwards
though.(calibrax)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us about the crap you
believed whilst on drugs. Should be a good one.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/drugs/
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: SPONSORED LINK
Spy Hunter game
The second Kerb link is an homage to the classic
arcade game Spy Hunter - but with an interesting
twist that might well result in it having been
removed by the time you click this link.
http://www.easymoney.com/car/insurance/game
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Punky pictures <<
We're enjoying Flickr more and more these days,
as you can stumble on really interesting stuff
like this series of pics - a record of the UK
pop scene circa 1976. Standout image, a young
Johnny Rotten in a revolting semi-Burberry
outfit - a chav before his time.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/punkphotos/
>> Worst rap battle... evah! <<
Words fail us in trying to convey the absolute
shitness of these two slack-jawed wanna-be
freestyle rap prodigies. "You, you're, uh, gay"
is about as good as it gets. BTW: You might
notice the file's hosted on Putfile. If you
live in Singapore you may as well not bother
clicking on the link because, to quote their site,
"Putfile prefers to not continue to provide our
free uploading service to a country that executes
prisoners by hanging." We also hear they don't
operate in Japan. No idea why that might be.
http://media.putfile.com/Worst-Rap-Battle
>> Brass knuckle chest implants <<
These lovely ladies have chosen to have a silicone
replica of a set of brass knuckles implanted over
their collar-bones. For what purpose we cannot
fathom. A ZX-81 keyboard would be much better.
And the texture would be pretty accurate too.
http://modblog.bmezine.com/entries/200512071624.ht...
>> Crucifixion slapstick <<
Mel Gibson's Passion is a notoriously hard-hitting
version of the Jesus story. But what happens when
you dub the Benny Hill show music over the top?
Comedy gold, that's what. Oh, and eternal damnation.
http://www.lowcarbcomedy.com/html/videos/therest/p...
>> Pong clock <<
It's a clock that shows the time through the score
on an ever-lasting game of retro-games classic Pong.
A very nice thing indeed - and slowly meandering its
way up the b3ta Chrissie pressie list.
http://195.140.141.240/buro/pong.mov
>> Racist word association <<
Short sketch from the late, great Richard Pryor.
A bloke's job interview involves a word-association
session that takes an untoward and unexpectedly
acrimonious turn.
http://www.devilducky.com/media/37546/
>> Worst logo evah <<
Amik, mascot of the 1976 Montreal Olympics is
a meant to be a beaver wearing a sash. Not that
you'd know it from looking at him - he's just
a shitty black blob - but the Olympics people
are still parading him round on their site like
he's something to be proud of! Have they no shame?
http://www.olympic.org/uk/passion/collectors/objec...
>> Tallest man in the world <<
Poor Leonid Stadnyk - a hormonal balance in his
teens led to him becoming the world's tallest man
- over eight feet tall and still growing. We
really shouldn't stare, but fucking hell, he is big.
Interestingly, some people reckon he's a fake and
all his pics are posed next to specially-selected
midgets and tiny buildings.
http://www.artukraine.com/histgallery/tall7photo.h...
>> Shittest CV award <<
There are some places you really ought not to
make a typo. Your online resume is one of them.
Particularly when it's as outrageous as the
one young Yemi Adenle makes when listing his
'Additional Skills'. At least, we very much
hope it's a typo.
http://uk.castingcallpro.com/u/49916
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: SPONSORED LINK
Japanese stuff delivered...
J-List is a pretty cool place that sells
everything from Japan you could want:
* Domo-kun business card holders
* Japanese T-shirts that say "ecchi" "sukebe"
and "I'm looking for a Japanese girlfriend"
* World's best selection of hentai dating-sim
games for PCs, with downloadable games
* Totoro plush toys, blankets, and bento boxes
* Black Black caffine gum, Japan-only Kit Kat
varieties
* A whole bunch of anime, JPOP, bikini and film
star 2006 calendars
Please visit us now -- you've got a friend in Japan
http://www.jlist.com
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Rearing rabbit
Little bunny rabbits are pretty standard fare,
here at cute corner - so believe us when we
tell you just how adorable this little baby is,
all reared up on his hind legs. He looks like
he's just hopped out from the pages of Beatrix
Potter. Although we suppose he'd be naked, which
she wouldn't have approved of.
http://ljplus.ru/img/s/h/shipovnick/rabbit.jpg
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from Worst Christmas Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted crap Christmas presents.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/worstchristmas/
We asked b3ta boarder Freddy Woo to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
Freddy Woo writes -
#1 - "AIDS TEST RESULTS. Actually I recently
got AIDS for my birthday. My wife bought
me a HIV cuddly toy.
http://b3ta.com/board/5413903
#2 - "CHRISTOPHER REEVE BUCKAROO. I recently
watched Superman III. It's odd that both
Reeve and Richard Prior both ended-up
in a wheelchair.
http://b3ta.com/board/5416764
#3 - "DARTH VADER PUNS. I'm never quite sure
about puns, but they came so thick and
fast in this gif, I couldn't resist. BTW:
Best pun ever? Better a bottle in front
of me than a frontal lobotomy..."
http://b3ta.com/board/5426630
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, b3ta contributor GoldenFanjita
gave us the suggestion, "Music and Food". So
er.. yay for more puns.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/musicandfood/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* THE USB SLIPPERS, as featured in last issue,
are, it seems, an electric blanket-type-deal
for office ladies with cold feet. Apparently,
office heating in Japan is crap and the
government tries to keep office thermostats
at 19 degrees. So these are a subversive way
for the ladies to keep their feet warm in
defiance of any Kyoto Protocol legislaion.
Go them! Thanks mwilce!
* "READING LAST WEEK'S NEWSLETTER," booms
mike_hunt, "i clicked on the Smart Car clip
and the muppet song at the same time. May I
suggest watching the Smart Car hit the
concrete while listening to ma na ma na
do do do do do? It's genuinely delightful."
Recommended.
* LOCKS OF LOVE, the 'hairpieces for cancer kids'
charity that we so heartily (but guiltily)
mocked last week is, we are told, rather on
the dodgy side. Apparently they sell off any
excess hair donations for a fat profit. So if
you were going to donate, think again. Send your
hair clippings to a real charity, like the
RNLI or something.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Tactical Assassin
Viewing the world through the narrow tunnel of
your sniper scope, it's your job to assassinate
key stickman bad guys as a government marksman.
It's kind of disturbing that thegun you're meant
to be using is described in detail, while the
human targets remain indistinct. Although, if
being a state-sponsored assassin is really this
much fum, we are in the wrong job.
http://www.freeworldgroup.com/games2/gameindex/tac...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* COULD PEGASUS FLY? - winged mythological
horse Pegasus flew using magic. How big
would a horses wings have to be to actually
fly? We suspect the answer is 'fucking
massive'. Please illustrate with diagrams
and exciting science equations.
* THE TIME RAPIST - it occurs to us that if we
had a time machine we'd be able to rape
pretty ladies in the 1950s and cave-girls
and then scoot back to the 21st century
scot-free. Can someone film this as a an
explotative b-movie please?
* AMUSING PACKAGING, a reader mentions, "just
seen a packet of organic sausages marketed by
Antony Worral-Thomson, next to his picture
it says 'prick with a fork'." Keep your eyes
peeled for stuff like this, and next time,
send a bloody photo!
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel and
David Stevenson.
Links sent for the last three weeks sent in by
Thos, jwtaylor876, miketynan, Apache,
princessofinsufficientlight, Spanishcatfish,
GiGi, Mark, muriel_amaechi, The Figurative
Pineapple, kgpratt, Dunk, Gosh, megan.sauter,
st3x, Mr_Maginty, sarahahahah, t3h.kitteh,
Darren, Wor Kev, lemony, Somersetchris, Andy
Stevenson, Derson, blackarmadillo,
chipmunkwarrior and, of course, louveciennes.
Top Tippery by wifeb3ta
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
*** Answer to joke: A Sanitary Owl. ***
Proofing by the woo b4ta yays. (106404 - 34474)
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TOP TIP:
Run out of tupperware for freezing your
left-over curry? Line a dry bowl with clingfilm,
fill the bowl, fold the film loosely over the
top and freeze. Retrieve the bowl after freezing.
Return to same-sized bowl for microwave
defrosting. The bonus is that curry is usually
a bit nicer after a little while in the fridge
or freezer.
