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This Week:
* ANIM - Rolf Harris bestial sing-song
* GAME - Sprouts are evil
* CHALLENGES - Lovely new democratic votey stuff

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 210 - 6 Jan 2006

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  Rolf Harris, Sprouts, Drugs & The Queen

  >> Rolf Harris <<
  Rolf facts: Drinks his own piss for the health
  benefits; Has a name amusingly close to the 
  popular internet acronym ROFL (twits use this
  to mean 'roll on the floor laughing'); and,
  according to a BBC researcher we once chatted
  to in the pub, he likes 'goosing young ladies'.
  But all these merry facts mean naught compared
  to his mastery of the song. Witness this
  fantastic re-interpretation of his 1960 hit,
  'Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport' and giggle like
  we giggled at the B3ta Bunker.

  >> Sprouts are evil <<
  Official b3ta brother Duncan Manuel used to
  liven up dinner time with his reworking of
  the Tears For Fears hit, Shout. "Sprouts!
  Sprouts! Puke them all out! This is the veg
  we can do without!" So imagine our joy when
  Eyegas got in touch with an almost identical
  idea. Eyegas wins though as he's turned the 
  whole thing into a fantastic vegetable
  bashing game that made us yelp, "Fucking hell.
  This is fantastic!"

  >> Just say no to drugs, kids <<
  "At school the other day, we were introduced
  to some anti-drugs software called D-Code,"
  reveals Josh04, "It was bad. Really bad. Getting
  home, I decided to make a flash version of the
  offending program." Blimey. It's the shouting
  that made us enjoy this. Reminds us of Joel's
  'Spoonguard' thing he did back in the day.

  >> Her Majesty <<
  "I've made a demented flash film," screams
  Mutated Monty, "About my strange relationship
  with the Royal Family." Er.. Yep, this is 
  fucking odd.


  Japanese stuff delivered... 

  J-List is a pretty cool place that sells
  everything from Japan you could want:
  * Domo-kun plush toys
  * "Looking for a Japanese Girlfriend" kanji
    T-shirts (and other original designs)
  * Wacky products for adults, including hundreds
    of bizarre and fun DVD titles
  * "Tabi" (ninja shoes) and "oppai ball"
    (a squeezable soft boob)
  * Anime, JPOP, Manga, Yaoi, and Tokyo Fashion
    magazine subscriptions
  * 150+ Japanese snacks with names like "Crunky"
    and "Melty Kiss"

  Please visit us now -- you've got a friend in Japan

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Results from the recent couple of Challenges

  News! News! News! News! News! News! Do we have
  your attention yet? We've had a flurry of
  activity in the b3ta bunker and decided to 
  re-jig how the voting works on the challenges.
  Basically we read a highfalutin book on 'the
  power of many, over the views of the one', and
  thought "we'll get everyone to vote on the best
  images and that'll make a lovely best of page.

  * MUSIC AND FOOD - Frankly we were a bit dubous
    when our board demanded this challenge as
    we thought it would be all shit 'Kraftwok'
    puns. Props to Trinosaur for his disgusting
    Aphex Twin eats a Jaffa cake anim, and we
    also liked Eclectechs' cute re-drawing of
    the chestnuts/roasting joke. But fuck that,
    see for yourselves, all the best stuff as
    voted for by you.

    challenge chosen by the lovely and handsome
    Fraser, we thought would be a laugh, as it's
    a return to the classic challenges of "think
    of X if Y were true." Our personal favourites
    were the Polo condom (with a hole in it) and
    the Lilt VD ointment, "the scrotally topical
    paste!" And again, don't take our word for
    it, see how people have voted.

  * 2006 PREDICTIONS - and this week we're looking
    for your psychic thoughts on the events of
    the coming year. Make it a good one kids.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Found camera photos <<
  Ooh this is an interesting site that kept us
  busy for a couple of hours over the Christmas
  break. In short, this chap has been collecting
  cameras - complete with half-shot film - from
  junk shops and processing the pictures. Oddly
  fascinating - eerie even. BTW: Teched-up readers
  might want to try a similar idea from collecting
  memory cards and old hard-disks.

  >> USB Digital bible <<
  We've got a soft spot for crappy USB innovation,
  from the USB rubber-duck memory stick to the 
  USB fish-tank that the official b3ta wife bought
  us for our birthday, we're amused by it all.
  And so we bring you King John's Bible on an
  electronic key-ring. God would want it this way.

  >> Vulcan sock puppet <<
  Just a funny picture really; Star Trek's Spock
  rendered as a sock monkey. They missed a trick
  by not calling it the 'Spock Monkey' though.

  >> 500mhz Tattoo <<
  Ok, we all know that extreme geeks like nothing
  better than tattooing their favourite technology
  on their pasty-white bodies. Fair enough, everyone
  loves Apple, but why-oh-why tattoo a 500mhz
  processor on your bloody forehead? Isn't it a bit
  like saying, "I'm really out of date and my brain
  isn't very quick?"

  >> Psycho mom <<
  Here's the story: 16 year old kid leaves his
  video camera on whilst his obviously upset and
  disturbed mother rants about his behaviour. There
  isn't much to look at and the audio doesn't kick
  in for about a minute, but damn this woman
  is angry and end result is upsetting, disturbing
  and voyeuristically compelling. reminds us of
  those NSPCC ads from a while back - except he is
  giving her a bit of lip in teenage style.

  >> Sindy doll story <<
  Something for the ladies here. Plastic dolls
  in a camp, soap opera story-line. A voice
  in the b3ta bunker shouts, "Obviously made
  by mad, Northern gays" and all the better for

  >> Monkey wanking [NSFW] <<
  Years ago we watched as a work-mate
  congratulated a bitter rival, who'd just
  won a journalism award for being very clever
  and selling lots of magazines, by sending them
  his personal collection of monkey porn.
  So if you feel jealous of one of your
  colleagues for their recent promotion then 
  say it in style. Say it with monkey porn.
  BTW: The photo is entirely NSFW and features
  an Asian gentleman being wanked off by a tiny
  monkey. (And the best thing is that they
  have tiny hands so your willy looks massive.)

  >> Racist BBC<<
  Ok this is a cheap shot. A reader wrote in
  mentioning that they'd spent the afternoon
  typing rude words into the BBC search for 
  laughs and shits, and if you squint and
  pretend the country Niger actually reads
  n-word it brings quite a surprising meaning
  to a few of their headlines. Case in point:

  >> Rod Stewart cross stitch <<
  Imagine the horror of working for a cross
  stitch magazine. Day-in, day-out trying to
  think up twee ideas for mad grannies to 
  stitch. Fuck knows what was in their tea.

  >> Viral boat marketing <<
  Sellers! If you want your ebay listing to
  really get seen by lots of people then the
  trick is to include something rude and little
  bit hidden in the photos. A few years back
  we had all the reflectoporn stuff (naked men
  wanking reflected in a kettle), and now we've
  got people pissing on dogs heads. Er.. needs
  a catchy title for this to really take off.
  Pissy-crops? Urinemyphoto!? (Sorry.)


  Hamster push-ups

  When historians come to write the 'History
  of the Web in Animals', the timeline will be
  as follows:
  1995: Ascii cows
  1997: Hamster dance
  1999: Monkeys, monkeys, monkeys everywhere.
  2001 onwards: Kittens, it's all about the kittens.

  Anyway. Let's take a trip back to the 90s and
  pretend hamsters are funny and cool again with
  this lovely little picture of Mr. Hammy doing
  his work-out.


  Panic Buying

  Last week in a vague attempt at being topical,
  we asked about panic present-buying:

  Here's two stories of woe for you:

  >> Say it with flowers <<
  "Two years ago, my Dad called to say he and my
  Mum were 'popping round' as she really wanted
  to see me on her birthday and I "hadn't
  bothered" to call in at theirs. In truth, I'd
  just totally forgotten. It was 8pm on a Sunday.
  They'd be here in half an hour. Fuck fuckety
  fuckfuck. I jumped in the car and flew down to
  the all night garage to get her some flowers,
  the only thing I could think of. Twatcakes!
  They didn't have any! Panicking I bought her
  a watering can and a DVD documentary about
  water voles. Sped home. Stopped half way.
  Looked at my forlorn gifts. Realised there was
  no way I could pass these off as anything other
  than a last-minute garage trip. Looked out of
  the window in despair. Saw... a load of
  bunches of flowers tied to the railings where
  some kid had got knocked down a month or so
  earlier. I am ACTUALLY going to hell. My Mum
  quite liked her three presents though." (grey kid)

  >> My Mum wishes she'd married me instead <<
  "A couple of years ago I'd just gotten my
  first job. This was in no small part down
  to my Mother who had gone out of her way to
  help me get there in the first place. As a
  result I decided to blow quite a large chunk
  of my newly-acquired wages on a really nice
  birthday present for her; a gold bracelet.
  She opened it and the look on her face made
  my new found poverty (almost) worthwhile.
  After staring at it disbelievingly for a
  while she realised she wasn't done yet and
  turned her attention to my Father's present.
  'What could top that?' she must have been
  thinking as she opened it. I'm guessing not
  a garlic press." (Gleeballs)

  Finally, a live report from our shopping
  correspondent Legless, "Errr - that would be
  me then. It's 1.15pm on Xmas Eve and I'm just
  starting my shopping. I haven't bought a thing
  yet. But do I panic? Do I run around town like
  a maniac? That would be no. Instead of cracking
  on with my shopping I walked into the first
  Internet Cafe I came across and logged on to
  B3ta to check what the question was this week.
  I'm so fucking sad someone should take me out
  and shoot me... Have a great Xmas."

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like to know what Urban Legends you've
  fallen for, or, even better, started:


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * AMUSING PACKAGING - We've been asking people
    to send in scans of advertising slogans that
    sound a bit rude. Thanks Erebus Dawn for this
    moderately amusing little innuendo: "We drink
    our own juice every day - and we'd like you  
    to join us." Actually, The Organic Juice Co.
    has probably had to sit through the dull
    marketing seminar we once listened to where
    we were told to "Eat Your Own Dog Food"
    which made us thankful we worked on the internet
    instead of for Pedigree Chum.

  * GEEK SONGS PART 40 - "Sorry to hark back to
    this little feature, but it tickled me greatly",
    burps swa110w, "and I do not feel it warranted
    the abuse it received." Hold on! What abuse?
    "To start the ball rolling again, I thought
    I'd tell you about a Geek Song I recently
    found myself singing whilst slaving over some
    hot code. To the chorus of "Take On Me" by A-ha...
    'P...H...P... (P-H-P) P...H...P... (P-H-P)
     P...H...P... X-S-L-Ttttttttttttt'" Er.. yes.
    Actually did we mention we sometimes sing 'F.T.P!
    (aha aha)" to an old KLF tune whilst uploading
    bits of the b3ta website? Sad fuckers, all of

  * GINGER SPAM - Watch out kids, a reader
    informs us, "According to the latest spam to
    land in my inbox this morning, someone called
    Rob Manuel is offering me the chance to save
    up to 85 percent on Viagra." Fucking spammers.
    Don't take the Ginger Fuhrer's name in vain,
    else he'll make spammers wear little black
    triangles and visit the special showers or

  * FRASER WORLD DOMINATION - lovely, handsome
    and toothy like a russet Tom Baker, Fraser,
    has been all over the papers this week as his
    Kitten Wars reached overground and into popular
    culture. We loved his interview in The Sun,
    which makes him sound like the mad cat-lady and,
    cruelly, added 15 years to his age.

  * SAYING SORRY FOR RAPE - before Xmas we suggested
    that a good idea for a B-Movie would be the "Time
    Rapist" and the complaints came flooding in.

    # "I wish that the people writing the newsletter
      could progress beyond the social awareness
      level of a fourteen year old boy with one hand
      on his dick and the other on his Princess Leia

    # "I love the newsletter, but the time-rapist
      request could be misinterpreted as you wishing
      that you could rape women (Albeit in different
      times). You ought to take care when it could
      be taken that you're encouraging rape. Just a
      friendly comment."

    # "Time travel rape of 'pretty ladies'? that isn't
      funny. Reading it made me feel miserable and sick.
      I used to love b3ta, I've even given you

    # "If you want to go back in time to have
      unrestricted sex, say so, but hopefully it would
      be consensual and not rape, okay?" 

    We are deeply ashamed of ourselves and apologise
    profusely. However, it wasn't all doom and gloom.
    Curis wrote, "I made this teaser trailer for
    'The Time Rapist' movie." Er.. Huzzah? Actually
    we kinda found this stuff interesting, 'rape'
    is proving to be a firecracker of a word,
    guaranteed to get people all shouty.

  * COULD PEGASUS FLY? We asked how big his wings
    would be to take off. Graham Cox wrote us a long
    email with lots of science stuff in it, which is
    far too long to copy here but the end bit went
    like this, "That means that the wingspan is
    over 3/4 of a kilometre. In scientific terms,
    this is known as 'fucking massive'. This doesn't
    take into account the weight that these wings
    would add to the horse. Factor in the amount
    of energy it's going to take to flap them to
    achieve an airspeed of 80mph and I think you
    can start to see why there are no horse-sized
    birds....." Yay. Can't wait to see this in
    a film. "Pegasus. The Time-horse Rapist"



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MAN DIAMOND - we sat next to this gay chap
    at Christmas lunch who was telling us about
    his drag act "Mincey Willis. As we got
    progressively more drunk and excitable we
    tried to convince him that he should perform
    under the name "Man Diamond", have fat ankles,
    tell hoary old dead baby jokes, and use a
    catch phrase, "Gay. It used to be such a
    nice word." We failed to convince him, but
    maybe we can convince you?

  * MID-LIFE CHRISTIS - write an article for
    a Sunday paper about how when men turn
    33 they looks back on their life and go,
    "Oh fuck I've achieved fuck all and if I
    was Jesus I'd have been crucified by now."
    We don't know if this is true, but we like
    the title. 

    feeling rather woo for the UK broadband and
    cable provider at the moment as they've
    upgraded our bandwidth by a factor of
    five and introduced a TV-on-demand service
    called Teleport which actually works rather
    well. (We've also been day-dreaming they
    should have a advert campaign where some
    brummy bloke goes, "Telewest. I'm quite
    impressed.") Furthermore they're
    introducing a Tivo-style box so we can
    pause live telly. However the fuckers
    announced it ages ago and haven't brought
    it to market it. SORT IT OUT. We need
    this now!

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by themichaelobrien, Rushy, 
  SomersetChris, transcending_reality, 
  oodle doodle, Nile, Disgruntled Dog, 
  b3ta-brainburger & scottellis.
  Top Tippery by ausben.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  * Answer to joke: You get it forced down your
  throat by a priest. * 
  Big yays to b4ta with special woos to RobT
  for sorting out the votey stuff.
  (106779 - 31702)

  Has your celery gone droopy? Put the offending
  vegetable in some cold water and into the
  fridge for a while for a welcome return to
  firm rigidity.

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