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This Week:
* VID - Crappest DJ ever
* EGGS - Making Thortons swear
* CHALLENGE - If drugs were legal...

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 211 - 13 Jan 2006

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  DJs, Nig Nog Club, Essays and Eggs

  >> Crap DJ skillz <<
  Bad is the new good, that's what we're hearing.
  Black Moon has been trawling the DJ booths of
  the nation and was lucky enough to catch footage
  this fellow - the toast of UK clubland.

  >> The Nig Nog Club <<
  No really. "I found this yesterday while going
  through paperwork - my grandma's membership
  certificate for a club she joined in January 1930,"
  reveals Druid. Before you recoil in dismay, you
  should know that it was a charitable organisation
  for children from, as they say, 'a more innocent

  >> How to bullshit your essays <<
  Come 4am the day before the hand-in date and it's
  time for WhiteDevil to pad his essay out as much
  as possible. He chucked in references to genital
  mutilation, Dungeons & Dragons and Homestar Runner
  in a frantic attempt to make the numbers up. And
  got a B. Look and learn.

  >> Swear on an egg <<
  Dull job or slacking boss, GM and his work-mates
  spend their days devising ridiculous inter-office
  competitions. Here's the winner from their
  efforts to get a mainstream chocolatier to write 
  the rudest possible thing on an Easter egg. Can
  you do better?


  Urban Legends

  Last week we wanted to know about urban legends
  you've been directly involved in:

  >> Manhood Hoop-la <<
  A girl at my old job once loudly asked, "why do
  bagels have holes in the middle of them?" I
  replied that bagels are so constructed because at
  Bar-mitzvahs the Jewish boy who is celebrating
  becoming a man has to lie down naked on the
  floor with an erect penis whilst the family
  take turns to toss "bagels" over the boy's
  manhood. Any bagels that land round the "prize
  pole" are then eaten to celebrate the boy's
  passing into manhood. Three days later, fuming,
  she explained that the previous night she'd
  been laughed out of the pub and harassed by
  a outraged Jewish couple after demonstrating
  her new knowledge. (Anarchy Duck)
  >> Beasts <<
  One of the ways local newspapers beef up
  circulation in certain areas is to have
  sightings of 'beasts'. Black beasts, cat-like
  beasts, big-cats whatever they call them, they
  co-incidentally make an appearance in times
  and locations suffering low sales (ie. Jan/Feb
  in rural areas). You would be amazed how many
  people buy a paper when there may be a beast
  in their backyard. The reason I know this?
  I once had to 'enhance' a picture to 'highlight'
  one of these beasts whilst working on a local
  paper. To my shame, I have since seen this picture
  repeated in reputable journals as 'clear
  evidence' of urban big-cats. I am a bad bad man.
  >> The Bomber in the Lake <<
   A couple of years ago me and a couple of other
  local scuba divers were asked by a local
  historical aviation group to survey a lake for
  them. Local legend had it that in WW2 a Hudson
  bomber had crashed in the deepest part of the
  lake. We all turned up one Sunday morning with
  ropes, big torches, marker buoys and full dive
  kit. As we walked into the lake the water
  quickly came up to chest height. And stayed
  there. After an hour and a half of splashing
  around the deepest bit we could find was just
  over 2 metres. (dicky blighter)
  >> This Week's Question <<

  We want to know the worst fancy dress costumes
  you've encountered, or been forced to wear.
  Talk to us here:


  Probably quite good if you're stoned

  >> Falling sand toy <<
  What can we say about an abstract toy? Er..
  you make squiggly lines and it's relaxing.
  Will that do? 

  >> Song tapper <<
  We remember a music teacher at school whose
  special trick was to recognise tunes from 
  people tapping our the rhythm of the words.
  Never occurred to us that this could be a 
  web project. And yet here it is - tap out the
  words with your spacebar and the application
  recognises the tune. Marvellous. BTW: It
  recognised Happy Birthday, but had a little
  more trouble with Duran Duran's 'Rio'.

  >> Zoom-able Earth <<
  Using the ever-cool Google Maps satellite images,
  this lets you dive in from outer space to hover
  just above the houses. It gets low enough over B3ta
  Towers that you can see the trees. Quite freaky for
  us, what if they can see we have no TV licence? Your
  mileage may vary if you live out in the wild places
  that aren't so often spied on from space.


  and these links proove it.

  >> Trance bunnies <<
  Everyone knows you can stick a chicken into
  a hypnotic trance by tracing a line in the
  dirt in front of him. But did you know you
  can do similar with a bunny? Apparently the
  trick is to "flip them over on their back 
  and pet their cheeks and nose area at the
  same." Our bunny owning readers might like
  to try this at home. 

  >> Cyclopes kitten <<
  Speaking frankly, if you haven't seen this
  already, you probably don't want to - a
  little kitten who was born with just one eye
  and no nose. "I say, my kitten has no nose..."
  Er, no - obviously very sad but kind of
  cool-looking also.


  and these links proove it too.

  >> Steps. For dogs. <<
  Is your dog too fat to climb on the furniture?
  Well, buy it a set of specially-made steps so
  it doesn't have to make too much of an effort.
  Our dog psychology sources tell us that you
  should never allow your canine chum on the 
  furniture anyway. Apparently, it gives them an
  inflated sense of self-importance - "they think
  they're gigantic," we are informed.

  >> Shaven pussy <<
  Yes, of course, the obligatory headline for a
  picture of a cat with the fur on its body
  removed. Always comedy gold - partly as they
  always look like to us like irate midgets
  wearing particularly unconvincing cat costumes.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Tall quiz <<
  You stick in how tall you are and it 
  shows you how you stack up next to
  celebrities and figures from history.
  We are still a bit shaken from discovering
  no-one at b3ta is taller than Janet Reno.
  Asides from Mike "Walking Colossus" trinder
  anyway. And he's taller than anyone.

  >> Nice ass << 
  Epic animation telling the tale, essentially, of
  a bloke going on Google and finding a picture of
  a pert and attractive lady-bottom. Somehow, his
  awe and wonder carry you along with it. Also,
  features numerous nice pictures of said ass.
  The 'bonus DVD commentary' is a feature many
  web animations would do well to include.

  >> Guitar hero <<
  Johann Pachelbel's Canon has a lot to answer
  for: it providing the chords to The Farm's
  'All Together Now', The Village People's
  'Go West' and even Weebl's 'Hats For Clowns.'
  Didn't stop us loving this kid sitting
  on his bed playing a speed guitar version.
  Prog is back. Huzzah!

  >> George Galloway, get back to work! <<
  UK readers should be sick to the back teeth
  of Celebrity Big Brother now, but to tell
  you the truth we've been enjoying it,
  and have even stuck a few quid on Pete
  Burns to win. Also featured is MP George
  Galloway, and, as this petition rightly
  points out, he should fuck off our screens
  and get back to Parliament. Actually,
  he's a complete cunt, so maybe he's better
  off where he is.

  >> Ancient Alcoholics Anonymous comic <<
  Enjoyed this old-school Archie-style comic
  on the evils of alcohol. Frankly, we were
  gripped by the story of the young mum who
  turned to drink as her husband ignored her.
  Although, as the young lady looked quite
  sexy when drunk, it didn't make us want to
  stop with the boozes.

  >> Hoodie expose <<
  A while back, Bluewater shopping centre in
  the UK famously banned young people from wearing
  hoody tops. A bloke calling himself 'nebbish'
  went out there to see if he could get himself
  into trouble. As a piece of investigative
  journalism its central flaw is that the guy is
  a mild-mannered 31 year-old on a shopping
  trip with his girlfriend and clearly not the
  menacing face of youth. But the write-up is
  rather engaging.


  Scanner music

  Our scanner sits lonely on a shelf, other than
  one abortive attempt to stick our cat on it,
  it hasn't seen much use recently. Its luck might
  change with the news that it can be used to 
  play music. Apparently, running the motor at
  different speeds creates a tone. BTW:  Aphex
  Twin - if you're reading this - got an idea
  for your new album. Oh and you'll be wanting
  to watch the video at the bottom of the page.


  Double the links. Twice the woo.  

  * KITTEN - Oh for fuck's sake. It's b3ta, of
    course we're linking to a kitten. This week
    we've got a little cutie asleep behind the
    radiator. We hope it's not too hot for the
    young chap.

  * WOLF - Oliver Barker writes - "Having spent
    this past summer doing wolf research in the
    Canadian hinterland, it was the least I could
    do to provide b3ta with a photo of one of the
    wolf pups I became acquainted with." Blimey.
    We're jealous of our readers sometimes, isn't
    'wolf research' the best-sounding job ever?


  Results from '2006 Almanac' Challenge

  Last week we asked you to make some lovely
  predictions on what we can expect for 2006.
  Frankly the best entries ignored our
  challenge and just ran gags, claiming they
  were prophecy.

  Our favourites included:
  * DEAD ANIMAL ZOO - where the 'don't feed
    the animals' sign is taken literally.
  * TRAIN PENIS - a lovely reworking of the
    film, Railway Children, with the kiddies
    gasping in wonder at a magenta cock.

  * DEAD MAGGIE - possibly more wishful
    thinking than anything, but worth a £20
    punt at the bookies we reckon.
    (Joe Scaramanga)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Drugs <<
  This week we're asking 'if drugs were legal,
  what products would manufacturers sell?'

  >> Your ideas here... <<
  We'd like you to suggest a challenge that
  we should run by placing it on this page.
  Also please read other peoples challenge
  ideas and vote, and in two weeks the highest
  rated will happen like something that is


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * NO CHURCH JOKES -  Last week we mentioned
    that there's no difference between The Bible
    and a cock as they're both shoved down your
    throat by priests. This wasn't liked by reader
    Anne Kissel, whose email signature tells us
    she's a 'Roseanne Barr Tribute Artist' and she
    tells us, "I'm not a religious fanatic, but
    that joke is DISGUSTING. Take me off your
    email list." To be honest we're only
    mentioning it as we find it a little surreal
    that we had a Roseanne impersonator as a 
    reader anyway.

  * JAMES BLUNT, STILL A CUNT - a few weeks ago
    we featured Doghorse's reworking of the James
    Blunt song, 'You're Beautiful'. Doghorse
    writes, "The 'You're Gullible' animation
    appeared on Channel 4 News on Wednesday, and 
    I've had a 'cease and desist' instruction
    from one of the copyright-holding companies
    for James Blunt's stuff." Boo hiss. We demand
    the legal right to mock twats who make shit

  * COULD PEGASUS HAVE FLOWN? - a rumbling inbox
    on this controversial issue. Devon Dan reckons
    old Mr Peggy could have flown as "horses are
    more than capable of running at 40mph" and
    produced this quite scary document to back up
    his claims. WARNING: Avoid if you found maths
    a bit dull at school.

  * CROSS STITCH MAGAZINE - last week we mentioned
    this fine publication and an ex-member of staff
    got in touch to say, "I used to work for Cross
    Stitch Monthly, and I'm still haunted by the
    Cliff Richard pattern and the heated letters
    page spat over which exact shade of orange
    thread should be used for said god-botherer."
    Thanks for sharing!

  * NO MORE PUTFILE - we keep getting complaints
    from our Japanese and Korean readers saying
    that the site doesn't work in their countries
    due to their slightly odd objection to hanging
    as a means of exection. Anyway, so a little
    tip to our active contributors, please consider
    using google video or youtube instead. And
    continue supporting your country's traditional
    methods of execution.

  * EBAUM'S WORLD SPAT - remember the animation
    that pointed out Ebaum robbed all its content?
    Well another site has taken them to task and
    it's all got a bit nasty. Read on:



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * OVER-COOKED BAKED BEANS - we've had this
    suggestion from our reader Barry Morgan,
    and its simple banality charmed us. "A lot
    of baked bean tins have the warning 'do
    not over-cook or this will impair the
    flavour'. Can one tell the difference
    between 'impaired' and 'regular' cooked

  * BRIAN BLESSED EMULATOR - all he does is
    shout, surely it can't be that hard.

 * FRECKLE ESTIMATOR - upload an inch-wide
    photo of ginger skin, and use clever maths
    to calculate how many freckles you have
    on your body. Might also work for moles.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Tom Jeffs, Captain Steptoe,
  Matthew Maxwell, David Morris, Dhughes (and the
  other 50 or so people with the one-eyed kitten),
  Donkey Dong, jessekillerkay, Mootothemax,
  imnotbarney, psybernoid and richard.lundie. 
  Top Tippery by b3ta dad.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  * Answer to joke: The little boy in the boot
  of my car *
  Respect to b4ta. (106955 - 33170)

  Finding it difficult to place a screw into an
  object? Stick a bit on Blu-tack on your
  screwdriver, it works a treat.

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