NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE, AND DOESN'T LIKE SEX?"
This Week:
* VID - Crappest DJ ever
* EGGS - Making Thortons swear
* CHALLENGE - If drugs were legal...
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 211 - 13 Jan 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue211/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
DJs, Nig Nog Club, Essays and Eggs
>> Crap DJ skillz <<
Bad is the new good, that's what we're hearing.
Black Moon has been trawling the DJ booths of
the nation and was lucky enough to catch footage
this fellow - the toast of UK clubland.
http://www.markta.co.uk/wankr/vid/dj_wankr.mpg
>> The Nig Nog Club <<
No really. "I found this yesterday while going
through paperwork - my grandma's membership
certificate for a club she joined in January 1930,"
reveals Druid. Before you recoil in dismay, you
should know that it was a charitable organisation
for children from, as they say, 'a more innocent
age.'
http://img461.imageshack.us/img461/8379/club3uf.jp...
>> How to bullshit your essays <<
Come 4am the day before the hand-in date and it's
time for WhiteDevil to pad his essay out as much
as possible. He chucked in references to genital
mutilation, Dungeons & Dragons and Homestar Runner
in a frantic attempt to make the numbers up. And
got a B. Look and learn.
http://www.ericisgreat.com/notreading/index.html
>> Swear on an egg <<
Dull job or slacking boss, GM and his work-mates
spend their days devising ridiculous inter-office
competitions. Here's the winner from their
efforts to get a mainstream chocolatier to write
the rudest possible thing on an Easter egg. Can
you do better?
http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b335/mjbrennan/e...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Urban Legends
Last week we wanted to know about urban legends
you've been directly involved in:
http://b3ta.com/questions/urbanlegends/
>> Manhood Hoop-la <<
A girl at my old job once loudly asked, "why do
bagels have holes in the middle of them?" I
replied that bagels are so constructed because at
Bar-mitzvahs the Jewish boy who is celebrating
becoming a man has to lie down naked on the
floor with an erect penis whilst the family
take turns to toss "bagels" over the boy's
manhood. Any bagels that land round the "prize
pole" are then eaten to celebrate the boy's
passing into manhood. Three days later, fuming,
she explained that the previous night she'd
been laughed out of the pub and harassed by
a outraged Jewish couple after demonstrating
her new knowledge. (Anarchy Duck)
>> Beasts <<
One of the ways local newspapers beef up
circulation in certain areas is to have
sightings of 'beasts'. Black beasts, cat-like
beasts, big-cats whatever they call them, they
co-incidentally make an appearance in times
and locations suffering low sales (ie. Jan/Feb
in rural areas). You would be amazed how many
people buy a paper when there may be a beast
in their backyard. The reason I know this?
I once had to 'enhance' a picture to 'highlight'
one of these beasts whilst working on a local
paper. To my shame, I have since seen this picture
repeated in reputable journals as 'clear
evidence' of urban big-cats. I am a bad bad man.
(BadBadman)
>> The Bomber in the Lake <<
A couple of years ago me and a couple of other
local scuba divers were asked by a local
historical aviation group to survey a lake for
them. Local legend had it that in WW2 a Hudson
bomber had crashed in the deepest part of the
lake. We all turned up one Sunday morning with
ropes, big torches, marker buoys and full dive
kit. As we walked into the lake the water
quickly came up to chest height. And stayed
there. After an hour and a half of splashing
around the deepest bit we could find was just
over 2 metres. (dicky blighter)
>> This Week's Question <<
We want to know the worst fancy dress costumes
you've encountered, or been forced to wear.
Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/fancydress/
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: INTERACTIVE TOYS
Probably quite good if you're stoned
>> Falling sand toy <<
What can we say about an abstract toy? Er..
you make squiggly lines and it's relaxing.
Will that do?
http://chir.ag/stuff/sand/
>> Song tapper <<
We remember a music teacher at school whose
special trick was to recognise tunes from
people tapping our the rhythm of the words.
Never occurred to us that this could be a
web project. And yet here it is - tap out the
words with your spacebar and the application
recognises the tune. Marvellous. BTW: It
recognised Happy Birthday, but had a little
more trouble with Duran Duran's 'Rio'.
http://www.songtapper.com/s/tappingmain.bin
>> Zoom-able Earth <<
Using the ever-cool Google Maps satellite images,
this lets you dive in from outer space to hover
just above the houses. It gets low enough over B3ta
Towers that you can see the trees. Quite freaky for
us, what if they can see we have no TV licence? Your
mileage may vary if you live out in the wild places
that aren't so often spied on from space.
http://www.flashearth.com/
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: ANIMALS ARE WEIRD
and these links proove it.
>> Trance bunnies <<
Everyone knows you can stick a chicken into
a hypnotic trance by tracing a line in the
dirt in front of him. But did you know you
can do similar with a bunny? Apparently the
trick is to "flip them over on their back
and pet their cheeks and nose area at the
same." Our bunny owning readers might like
to try this at home.
http://www.mybunnies.com/trance.htm
>> Cyclopes kitten <<
Speaking frankly, if you haven't seen this
already, you probably don't want to - a
little kitten who was born with just one eye
and no nose. "I say, my kitten has no nose..."
Er, no - obviously very sad but kind of
cool-looking also.
http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/cyclopes.asp
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: PET OWNERS ARE WEIRD
and these links proove it too.
>> Steps. For dogs. <<
Is your dog too fat to climb on the furniture?
Well, buy it a set of specially-made steps so
it doesn't have to make too much of an effort.
Our dog psychology sources tell us that you
should never allow your canine chum on the
furniture anyway. Apparently, it gives them an
inflated sense of self-importance - "they think
they're gigantic," we are informed.
http://doggysteps.com/
>> Shaven pussy <<
Yes, of course, the obligatory headline for a
picture of a cat with the fur on its body
removed. Always comedy gold - partly as they
always look like to us like irate midgets
wearing particularly unconvincing cat costumes.
http://snipurl.com/ljq4
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Tall quiz <<
You stick in how tall you are and it
shows you how you stack up next to
celebrities and figures from history.
We are still a bit shaken from discovering
no-one at b3ta is taller than Janet Reno.
Asides from Mike "Walking Colossus" trinder
anyway. And he's taller than anyone.
http://www.ringophone.com/TallOrNot.swf
>> Nice ass <<
Epic animation telling the tale, essentially, of
a bloke going on Google and finding a picture of
a pert and attractive lady-bottom. Somehow, his
awe and wonder carry you along with it. Also,
features numerous nice pictures of said ass.
The 'bonus DVD commentary' is a feature many
web animations would do well to include.
http://snipurl.com/niceass
>> Guitar hero <<
Johann Pachelbel's Canon has a lot to answer
for: it providing the chords to The Farm's
'All Together Now', The Village People's
'Go West' and even Weebl's 'Hats For Clowns.'
Didn't stop us loving this kid sitting
on his bed playing a speed guitar version.
Prog is back. Huzzah!
http://snipurl.com/progcanon
>> George Galloway, get back to work! <<
UK readers should be sick to the back teeth
of Celebrity Big Brother now, but to tell
you the truth we've been enjoying it,
and have even stuck a few quid on Pete
Burns to win. Also featured is MP George
Galloway, and, as this petition rightly
points out, he should fuck off our screens
and get back to Parliament. Actually,
he's a complete cunt, so maybe he's better
off where he is.
http://beta.cergis.com/george/
>> Ancient Alcoholics Anonymous comic <<
Enjoyed this old-school Archie-style comic
on the evils of alcohol. Frankly, we were
gripped by the story of the young mum who
turned to drink as her husband ignored her.
Although, as the young lady looked quite
sexy when drunk, it didn't make us want to
stop with the boozes.
http://www.ep.tc/aa-comics/index.htm
>> Hoodie expose <<
A while back, Bluewater shopping centre in
the UK famously banned young people from wearing
hoody tops. A bloke calling himself 'nebbish'
went out there to see if he could get himself
into trouble. As a piece of investigative
journalism its central flaw is that the guy is
a mild-mannered 31 year-old on a shopping
trip with his girlfriend and clearly not the
menacing face of youth. But the write-up is
rather engaging.
http://www.hulver.com/scoop/story/2005/12/16/6938/...
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: GEEK OF THE WEEK
Scanner music
Our scanner sits lonely on a shelf, other than
one abortive attempt to stick our cat on it,
it hasn't seen much use recently. Its luck might
change with the news that it can be used to
play music. Apparently, running the motor at
different speeds creates a tone. BTW: Aphex
Twin - if you're reading this - got an idea
for your new album. Oh and you'll be wanting
to watch the video at the bottom of the page.
http://www.ganjatron.net/misc/scanjet/scanjet.html
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Double the links. Twice the woo.
* KITTEN - Oh for fuck's sake. It's b3ta, of
course we're linking to a kitten. This week
we've got a little cutie asleep behind the
radiator. We hope it's not too hot for the
young chap.
http://www.tinlin.net/jim/email/kitten.jpg
* WOLF - Oliver Barker writes - "Having spent
this past summer doing wolf research in the
Canadian hinterland, it was the least I could
do to provide b3ta with a photo of one of the
wolf pups I became acquainted with." Blimey.
We're jealous of our readers sometimes, isn't
'wolf research' the best-sounding job ever?
http://myweb.dal.ca/obarker/Paugh%20pup%20photo.ht...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from '2006 Almanac' Challenge
Last week we asked you to make some lovely
predictions on what we can expect for 2006.
Frankly the best entries ignored our
challenge and just ran gags, claiming they
were prophecy.
Our favourites included:
* DEAD ANIMAL ZOO - where the 'don't feed
the animals' sign is taken literally.
(Leningrad)
* TRAIN PENIS - a lovely reworking of the
film, Railway Children, with the kiddies
gasping in wonder at a magenta cock.
(drunkenoaf)
* DEAD MAGGIE - possibly more wishful
thinking than anything, but worth a £20
punt at the bookies we reckon.
(Joe Scaramanga)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/2006/
>> New challenge: Drugs <<
This week we're asking 'if drugs were legal,
what products would manufacturers sell?'
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/drugproducts/
>> Your ideas here... <<
We'd like you to suggest a challenge that
we should run by placing it on this page.
Also please read other peoples challenge
ideas and vote, and in two weeks the highest
rated will happen like something that is
happening.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* NO CHURCH JOKES - Last week we mentioned
that there's no difference between The Bible
and a cock as they're both shoved down your
throat by priests. This wasn't liked by reader
Anne Kissel, whose email signature tells us
she's a 'Roseanne Barr Tribute Artist' and she
tells us, "I'm not a religious fanatic, but
that joke is DISGUSTING. Take me off your
email list." To be honest we're only
mentioning it as we find it a little surreal
that we had a Roseanne impersonator as a
reader anyway.
* JAMES BLUNT, STILL A CUNT - a few weeks ago
we featured Doghorse's reworking of the James
Blunt song, 'You're Beautiful'. Doghorse
writes, "The 'You're Gullible' animation
appeared on Channel 4 News on Wednesday, and
I've had a 'cease and desist' instruction
from one of the copyright-holding companies
for James Blunt's stuff." Boo hiss. We demand
the legal right to mock twats who make shit
music.
* COULD PEGASUS HAVE FLOWN? - a rumbling inbox
on this controversial issue. Devon Dan reckons
old Mr Peggy could have flown as "horses are
more than capable of running at 40mph" and
produced this quite scary document to back up
his claims. WARNING: Avoid if you found maths
a bit dull at school.
http://www.zodm.com/images/hRC6207.pdf
* CROSS STITCH MAGAZINE - last week we mentioned
this fine publication and an ex-member of staff
got in touch to say, "I used to work for Cross
Stitch Monthly, and I'm still haunted by the
Cliff Richard pattern and the heated letters
page spat over which exact shade of orange
thread should be used for said god-botherer."
Thanks for sharing!
* NO MORE PUTFILE - we keep getting complaints
from our Japanese and Korean readers saying
that the site doesn't work in their countries
due to their slightly odd objection to hanging
as a means of exection. Anyway, so a little
tip to our active contributors, please consider
using google video or youtube instead. And
continue supporting your country's traditional
methods of execution.
* EBAUM'S WORLD SPAT - remember the animation
that pointed out Ebaum robbed all its content?
Well another site has taken them to task and
it's all got a bit nasty. Read on:
http://www.ytmnd.com/news/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* OVER-COOKED BAKED BEANS - we've had this
suggestion from our reader Barry Morgan,
and its simple banality charmed us. "A lot
of baked bean tins have the warning 'do
not over-cook or this will impair the
flavour'. Can one tell the difference
between 'impaired' and 'regular' cooked
beans?"
* BRIAN BLESSED EMULATOR - all he does is
shout, surely it can't be that hard.
* FRECKLE ESTIMATOR - upload an inch-wide
photo of ginger skin, and use clever maths
to calculate how many freckles you have
on your body. Might also work for moles.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by Tom Jeffs, Captain Steptoe,
Matthew Maxwell, David Morris, Dhughes (and the
other 50 or so people with the one-eyed kitten),
Donkey Dong, jessekillerkay, Mootothemax,
imnotbarney, psybernoid and richard.lundie.
Top Tippery by b3ta dad.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
* Answer to joke: The little boy in the boot
of my car *
Respect to b4ta. (106955 - 33170)
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TOP TIP:
Finding it difficult to place a screw into an
object? Stick a bit on Blu-tack on your
screwdriver, it works a treat.
