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This Week:
* QUESTION - Have you ever paid for sex? 
* PHOTOS - Worst tea ever
* SONG - Cheery tune about a sex offender

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 212 - 20 Jan 2005

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  Double tea & sex-offender Brian Peppers

  >> 'Lovely' cup of tea <<
  Kushan and Team Marybone decided to help English
  chum Barry "do what all English people do: Drink
  tea." Only ever having seen it done on TV and in
  films before, their collective efforts "made
  possibly one of the most disgusting cups of tea
  you can imagine, with little more than just tea."
  It really is unbelievably foul-looking and we
  to salute Barry's lack of survival instincts in
  actually trying to 'enjoy' it!

  >> Ninja tea-time <<
  We feel jealous of Operative Noo, as surely he
  lives in an action-packed world, where even the
  most mundane are carried out on a knife-edge
  of danger. Braver readers may want to carry out
  something similar at home via the expedient of
  making whoosh noises with your mouth every time
  you move.

  >> Sex offender song <<
  "Some of my work-mates are fascinated by
  goggle-eyed, diminutive sex offender Brian
  Peppers," mutters Gareth. "So I wrote a little
  tune for them." And a rare treat you've given
  them - and the man himself is a visual feast!


  Japanese stuff delivered...

  J-List is a pretty cool place that sells
  everything from Japan you could want:
  * Hello Kitty Kimono stuff
  * Ecko parody T-shirts featuring copulating
  * Tons of "futanari" manga comics, very
    popular in Japan now
  * Nintendo toys sold only in Japan
  * Japan-only Kit Kat and other snacks

  Visit us now - you've got a friend in Japan

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Fancy Dress

  We asked you last week about the costumes you'd
  worn, or been forced to wear. There's some
  stories below, but it really is worth following
  the link to gawp at the photos people have
  posted. The first one scares us a lot.

  >> Luke, it is your destiny... <<
  What’s better than going out in fancy dress
  to see Star Wars Episode 1? Convincing your
  immensely gullible work colleague you’re all
  going out in fancy dress then not, leaving him
  to walk round the local out-of-town retail
  park in the middle of the afternoon dressed
  as a Jedi Knight in black baggy trousers, black
  knee socks, black gown and a plastic light
  sabre. The local chavvy kids had a field day.
  Eventually, we took pity on him and took him
  for a pint. Outside, a bloke dressed in a
  really professional Yoda costume was giving out
  promotional leaflets for the cinema next door.
  Our young Jedi master walked over to him and
  said, "Guess it's just you and me that made the
  effort then, eh?" In a moment of fancy dress
  solidarity, Yoda replied, "Piss off, prick,
  I’m getting paid to wear this." We then left
  him to catch the bus back to town on his own.
  The sight of his little face pressed up against
  the back window as a gang of teenagers tried
  to bum him with his own light sabre haunts
  me still. (Rakky)

  >> You can't pull with no face <<
  About 5 years back, me and 3 friends went to
  a halloween party in Oxford as 4 car accident
  victims. A friend who did makeup for the film
  industry did the honours for us. It took bloody
  ages. The problem was, Dan loved his job too
  much. He went completely over the top, and it
  just looked too realistic. I had half of my
  face missing, with the jawbone exposed. One
  of my friends had a compound fracture, with
  the bone sticking out of his forearm, another
  had a windscreen wiper stuck through his neck.
  To get to the party, we had to walk through the
  city centre. We made two children cry just by
  looking at them, and were promptly bollocked
  by their mother. At the party, no-one talked
  to me all night because they just couldn't
  handle looking at my bloodshot-eyed, glass
  infested, half missing face. (8-Ball)

  >> Hello Sailor <<
  As an insufferable swot, I went on a school
  exchange trip to the South of France. They
  held a fancy dress party, in which I was
  forced to wear - by the evil family I had
  been dumped with - a rather cheeky sailor's
  outfit, that made me look, frankly, like the
  King Of The Homosexualists. All fine and dandy,
  except the school we were exchanging with was
  in Marseilles, the hardest city on Earth, and
  the party was right by the docks. I'm lucky to
  be alive. (Scaryduck)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to tell us about the times you've
  paid for sex. Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Star Trek dance vid <<
  Here's a video made to Darkmateria's 'The Picard
  Song' made with clips from 'the Sims 2' and
  'Star Trek: Bridge Commander'. It's a nice bit
  of work and great to see the generally rather
  po-faced Star Trek crew prancing around like

  >> Floating dog <<
  Two pilots are looping a small plane - in the
  background their dog floats to the ceiling,
  ears flapping and tail wagging. It's the dog's
  utter failure to be amazed that makes this
  vid so good. 

  >> Disabled Glamour <<
  According to the couple running it, this soft
  porn site was "created as an outlet for the
  disabled person to express himself or herself
  without having to be scrutinised and judged by
  what society deems as 'beautiful'." All very
  laudable, we're sure. So why does it all seem
  especially creepy here? We suspect it's because
  the models' disabilities are all cropped out of 
  frame and you can't help imagining things far
  more disturbing than are actually there. 

  >> Things the postman won't carry <<
  The Royal Mail has a comprehensive list of
  things it just will not carry - and apparently
  the postman is not allowed to deliver 'Filth'!
  So that's our hopes pretty much dashed then...

  >> Book bar <<
  It's an idea we've all had when moving into a
  new place with not much furniture, but tons of
  seemingly useless junk. Why not make furniture
  out of your books/CDs/etc? These guys constructed
  a pretty snazzy bar out of unwanted books.
  Especially handy if you like to drink, but don't
  enjoy reading.

  >> Films that like to say 'Fuck' <<
  Wikipedia is full of weird little corners where
  someone felt some obscure thing was worth explaining
  at length. Take this as an example; a list of
  films ordered by uses of the word 'fuck'. The
  accompanying graph is especially informative.


  Baby squirrel
  Who could help falling for this chubby little
  red squirrel baby, snapped on a breakfast snuffle
  for acorns? He couldn't be any more delightful
  if he was wearing a tiny duffle-coat and mittens.


  Results from 'legal drugs' Challenge

  Last week we asked you what products would
  companies make if naughty mind-bending drugs
  became legal.

  Our favourites included:
    the idea that Amsterdam would have to find 
    a new way to promote itself to tourists.

    gag about the endless blades that razor
    manufacturers keep adding.

  * E BY GUM - remember the old joke about
    Yorkshire people on ecstasy? 

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: dodgy mechanics<<
  This week we're asking 'if dodgy mechanics
  ran the world.' Actually, that reminds us
  of the old one-liner, 'seen on the on
  the side of a white van, "Singh Repairs.
  You've tried the cowboys, now try the

  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We'd like you to suggest a challenge, and
  vote on the ideas suggested by others.


  Borked shelves, Indiana Jones & God simulator

  >> "I broke my shelves!" <<
  Rob Manuel's shelves have just collapsed, due
  to him overloading them with stuff. "The top one
  broke and dropped down breaking all the ones
  beneath it," he laments. "It was like a mini 9/11."
  Apparently, he is now banned from trying to
  tidy up the living room. Crafty, Rob, crafty.

  >> Indiana Jones - Pixelmash <<
  Fancy watching a bit of Indie, but stuck on
  your mum's crappy dial-up connection? Well,
  thanks to the sterling efforts FoldsFive and
  the Pixelmash Experiment team, you can get
  the entire classic trilogy in less than 800k!

  >> God simulator <<
  Quoth The Sunshine Elephant: "At some point I
  think you asked for a God Simulator. I decided
  to make one." Yay. We actually asked for that
  in May 2004, but this is very lovely and well
  worth the wait!


  Follow-ups on previous stories.
  * SAND PICS - loads of people got in touch to tell
    us about the art they created on the sand thing
    we linked to last week. This was our favourite.

  * RABBIT TRANCE - Hannah Winchester tried our last
    week's tip for hypnotising bunnies on her rabbit.
    "The next day he died. Coincidence or not, maybe
    you should warn others?" We suspect that she may
    have inadvertently delivered some kind of kung-fu
    'death-touch' move to her rabbit in the process
    of entrancing it. We are informed that's what got
    Bruce Lee too, so there you go.

  * SHARK TRANCE - Jared informs us that the rabbit
    trance trick works with sharks too. "All you
    need to do is flip them onto their backs. It's
    called Tonic Immobility." Sounds like a simple 
    solution to a shark attack right there.
  * SINDY DOLL STORY - Someone, perhaps us, reckoned
    that the Sindy doll-based photo love story we
    featured a couple of weeks ago was made by 'mad,
    gay northerners'. Lin, the author, wrote to tell
    us that she was "flattered that you find it amusing,
    however, I am not a mad, gay northerner..I am a 
    female, heterosexual southerner...so I had to laugh!!
    Anyhow, thanks I got a lot of hits due to the post
    and quite a few lovely emails saying they liked
    the site!" Thanks Lin!

  * OVERCOOKED BAKED BEANS - Last week we asked
    whether overcooking beans really does 'impair'
    their taste and if you can tell. The Dave
    replies, "I used to work in the Chicken Shop
    known as KFC. The barbecue baked beans in the
    morning are always more pleasant than the dregs
    of the bucket that are left for the late
    afternoon customers. The memories of that summer
    job seven years ago still haunt me."

  * THE 'OTHER' NIGNOG CLUB - Last issue we mentioned
    the charitable northern organisation known as the
    NigNog club. To our surprise, Bertram Wooster
    informs us that "The local Hollygarth Social Club
    in Ilkley is still 'affectionately known as 'nignogs''
    according to its website. Not only that, but they are
    so proud of it they go on for a whole paragraph!"



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SNEEZE CHALLENGE - wikipedia claims "it is
    almost impossible for a person to keep their
    eyelids open during a sneeze." Do you own
    some pepper and a video camera? Can you proove
    them wrong? 

  * STANDARD INTERNET ENGLISH - we've got a theory
    that spelling will move to cross between
    English and American depending on which
    alternative usage is most popular on the web.
    There's probably a thesis in this, which
    we're too lazy to write.

  * FAKE-MY-DOCUMENT.COM - a collection of high
    resolution legal documents from drivers
    licences to birth certificates to be
    downloaded and photoshopped for use in low
    level fraud.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by jazzle, Joel Nisbet, Elmyra,
  lincolnsmithvstheblackprince, Mushroom,
  Andreas Altefrohne and the Pixelmash Experiment
  team: FishTheCat, Prof Pixel Masher, Threepwood,
  WeAreTheLemon, Curis, Mutated Monty, Chronic,
  SpanishCatFish, Billbobarneybobs and
  the Great Architect
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  ** ANSWER TO JOKE: Smurf cum **
  Respect to b4ta. (107100-33078)

  Baking soda will remove the coffee and tea
  stains from your favorite mugs. 

  >> Happy Birthday Alex <<
  "My boyfriend Alex's birthday is January 23rd and
  I was wondering if you can give him a little
  birthday shout out via a b3ta newsletter," says
  Melissa Hewitt. "I am not going to be able to see
  him on his birthday, seeing as how I am in the
  States and he is in the fabulous UK. He is the
  best guy in the whole world and I just want to
  surprise him."
  Sorry, Melissa, we can't help - it's our policy 
  never to do birthday messages in the newsletter.

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