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This Week:
* QUESTION - Ever met a weirdo on the internet?
* SICK JOKE BOOK - we have publisher
* WEB 2.0 - backlash ahoy

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 220 - 17 Mar 2006

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  Sofa Search 2006 - Win a Sofa!

  Sofa.com want you to tell them all about
  your sofa... or maybe someone else's.
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  one comes complete with a wad of cash
  stuffed under the cushions:

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
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  Vegans, Cheney, eBay and Dragons

  >> Never let a vegan cook <<
  "Look look look look look what I've done!"
  trills Comma, "I've made a giant vegan Jaffa
  Cake, aren't I great?" Ah. Um. Actually, this
  looks kind of revolting and we're very glad
  you're not cooking our dinner tonight.

  >> Obligatory Cheney game <<
  U.S Vice President Dick Cheney has suffered
  much public ridicule since his accidental
  shooting of 78-year-old man whilst on a duck
  hunt. Even Microsoft chairman Bill Gates was
  moved to comment during computer security
  conference  "I'm really glad to be here. My
  other invitation was to go quail hunting with
  Dick Cheney." Basically, we're saying as humour
  targets go, Cheney is a sitting duck. This
  hasn't stopped our lovely flash genius chum
  Andy Foulds turning it into a strangely
  beautiful game though.

  >> eBay advert parody <<
  Your Ginger Fuhrer is feeling rather pro
  eBay today as he's just bought a lovely mac
  laptop at a knock-down price - chances are
  the next issue will be written in Helvetica.
  Anyways, we enjoyed Curis and Caro's charming
  little take on the ad campaign currently
  running on UK telly.

  >> Lovely dragons <<
  Several months back we linked a little origami
  project to make a paper dragon whose head nods
  as you move around the room. Straymuffin has
  filmed it. It's not essential viewing, but
  we love the music (The Flumps) and the oddly
  bashful dragon.


  Fuck my boots, we have a publisher

  The book they said would never be published,
  the B3ta Bumper Book of Sick Jokes has secured
  a publisher with the lovely people at The
  Friday Project. Frankly, they're now shitting
  themselves wondering what exactly they've
  taken on. Anyways woos around, we think. We're
  also still looking for illustrations for our
  fine tome, so if you want the chance of seeing
  your skills in print then get cracking.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Squatting in the 70s <<
  In 1977, Freston Road, a street in Notting Hill,
  attempted to create their own country apart
  from the United Kingdom, giving themselves
  the name Frestonia. This series of photos of
  hippies, drug addicts, tramps and single mums
  were to be their citizens. Of course it was
  doomed, but it's a fascinating slice of
  history none-the-less.

  >> Create your own Google news story <<
  Tom Vendetta is a 16 year old student from
  New Jersey and self confessed "biggest Google
  fanboy ever." He's been mucking about, putting
  a jokey press release out claiming that Goggle
  have employed their youngest intern ever, i.e
  him. The release gets picked up by the Goggle
  news service itself and all hell breaks
  loose. Read on:

  >> The 39 dollar experiment <<
  Bloke buys $39 worth of stamps. Sends 100
  letters to different companies asking for
  'free stuff' - so far he's generated $137.41
  of almost entirely useless crap. Oddly enough
  he also mentions B3ta alumnus Joel Veitch's
  Quiznos ads, in one letter slamming them, and
  another letter rating them. Nice to know really.

  >> Best radio ad ever <<
  CCC posted this radio ad on our links board from
  Flintshire Motors asking whether it's the best
  or worst radio ad ever. The answer is clear,
  it's the best. It's fucking genius.

  >> Top Ten strangest Lego creations <<
  An easy win for the Lego fans here. All the
  oddest brick stuff in one place. Our vote goes
  to number 6, the Lego harpsichord.

  >> Dogs in shawls <<
  Fraser should be worried, there's a new player
  on the block seeking the crown of 'best
  internet animal curator.' They look like Russian
  peasants queuing for potatoes to us.


  Building weird projects because they can

  There was a family round our way when we were
  kids who had their front room fitted out as
  a bar. Complete with optics and beer pumps.
  They also kept mucky drawings under the bar,
  that my friends father had made of his mother.
  Our parent thought they were common. So
  welcome to 'cyber common web 2.0'...


  School Fights

  We wanted you to tell us about the fights at
  school. We'd forgotten just how violent little
  kids can be:

  * I've been in exactly one fight...
    "I was in a bar in Bournemouth, minding my own
    business, getting rat-arsed. Beside me a
    rather attractive young first-year student.
    Guy standing other side of her giving her grief,
    pawing at her, trying to kiss her. She's
    obviously very pissed off with him. I decide
    to be a hero, and tell him to piss off. He
    takes offence at this, and takes a swing at
    me, which brushes my jaw, failing to properly
    connect. Without thinking, I swing a mighty
    left, and knock out the girl. Oops. And then
    I ran away." (Demonic Omelette)

  * Little girls
    "You do not know true terror until you have been
    bullied by cute little blonde girls. I'm in the
    top year at school. Those below me bend to my
    will, and anyone who crosses me feels me wrath.
    Unless they're in my year, or otherwise bigger
    than me, because I'm a weedy little fucker,
    but let's not go into that. Enter three girls
    three years below me. Blonde, they are, and
    about waist height. The kind that would make a
    child molester drop to his knees and weep. Now
    add the general demeanour of a nineteen year
    old chav who's been in and out of young
    offenders and jail since she was eight. But
    what are you supposed to do? You can't hit
    girls, especially not little girls. You can't
    ignore them, because then they nick your stuff
    and chuck things at you. So, one of them threw
    a chair at us. Things were said that perhaps
    shouldn't have been. Mistakes were made. My
    dear friend Robbie, in an act of brilliance
    that has never been paralleled since, snapped,
    grabbed a bin from nearby and proceeded to
    upturn it over her head. His intention was to
    trap her, and cause hilarity as she stumbled
    around. He did not expect the bin to be full.
    Full, specifically, of shitty cold soup and
    old yoghurt. In slow motion, a bucket load of
    what looked like cold puke (with lumps) dropped
    all over her. The whole hall stood frozen for
    a few moments, waiting for her reaction. She
    screamed. The silence broken, we all fled out
    the back door and ran off to next lesson. And
    that, my friends, was last Friday for you."

  * Comedy Classic
    "Some break times me and my group of mates used
    to form a large circle, facing inwards and start
    chanting the world standard, "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!",
    which obviously attracts the attention of anyone
    near by, and causes them to come running to watch.
    Except when they got there, there was never a
    fight, just one of my mates doing "the robot"
    in the middle of the circle. Made us laugh every
    time." (Nyphur)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  Met a weirdo on the interweb? Talk to us here:


  Cats are clever, dogs are stupid
  * CATS - known for the cunning with which they
  imitate the cries of a human infant to win your
  affection. Oh yes, cats are evil geniuses.
  These particularly sly moggies take it a step
  further and actually talk. But should you believe
  a cat that says he loves you?

  * DOGS - never get between a dog and his dinner.
  Not even if you're a bit of the same dog. This
  gifted canine suspects his hind legs of wanting
  to steal the dinner from his mouth. Yep. Dogs
  really are not the brightest.  



  To those living under a rock, the net has gone
  mad for 'Web 2.0' in the last year or so. We're
  talking those social applications like Myspace,
  and Flickr that allow you to collect friends
  and use clever new technology.

  Whenever something gets a bit of hype there's
  always a few kids at the back of the class,
  mocking teacher. Here's three of our favourites:

  * Isolatr - helping you find where other people

  * Web 2.0 or Star Wars Quiz?

  * Snubster - de-networking the people you hate.


  Results from the Roman Internet Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know what the Romans
  would have got up to had they had the Internet.

  Our favourites included:
  * ROMAN ROADS - one thing is for certain: giving
    directions would be much, much simpler.

  * SPARTICUS - This joke came up more than once,
    but is represented best in this example of
    Instant Messaging chaos.

  * HADRIAN'S FIREWALL - we like this mainly
    because it's in Latin, and therefore beyond
    our comprehension.

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Failed Sex Toys <<
  For every vacuum pump or vibrator that sells
  a million, there must be loads of sex toys that
  fail to make it to production, and we want to
  see the prototypes. Challenge suggested by 'you
  lose the game'.

  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * IF MS INVENTED THE iPOD - A couple of weeks
    ago, we linked to a vid that took the piss
    out of Microsoft's cluttered box designs. But
    we didn't know who made it. Come this week and
    MS's Tom Pilla revealed it was no other than
    Microsoft themselves. "It was an internal-only
    video clip commissioned by our packaging [team]
    to humorously... educate marketers here about
    the pitfalls of packaging/branding," he said.

  * PHALLIC LOGO AWARDS - It seems that Pontin's
    found out about their inclusion in our now-
    legendary phallic logo awards. "They've now
    decided on a tiny change to the logo to remove
    said cockage," gleefully reports Artyzyph.
    "Across the whole company. AT TREMENDOUS COST!"
    Compare / contrast for yourself:

  * SHIT AND TOMATOES - Inclement weather has
    postponed the start of Scaryduck's experiment
    to grow fruit from his own faeces. Rest assured
    though, that the man himself is on a strict
    tomato-and-Guinness diet as he awaits the
    coming zephyrs. He promises pictures of the
    entire proceedings. Thanks. Thanks very much
    for that.


  Two-headed hydra of gaming doom

  * MONG OUT - dope smokers will enjoy this game
    of 'your the pretty little blob and you the
    only way forward is to eat all the other
    blobs.' A metaphor for life really. Assuming
    you're caned.

  * STING GAME - more of an arcade game this one,
    can you guide the string around the maze
    without hitting the walls? We can't. But then
    we from suffer partial muscle paralysis,
    often accompanied by loss of sensation and
    uncontrollable body movements or tremors.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MOLESTR.COM - keeping the Web 2.0 parody
    stuff going, let's network the paedophiles and

  * TOOTHPASTENOMORE.COM - don't brush your teeth
    again and take a photo each day. It'll be
    art. People would want to look, anyway.

  * CORRECTPOSTUREPRON.COM - we've been working
    with a bloke recently who's got a bit of
    a thing about women who sit up straight.
    He thinks they're 'prim but dirty' - looks
    like an untapped porn market to us.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by hughlunnon & BourbonBiscuits.
  Top Tippery by ironman testicles.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  *** ANSWER TO JOKE: Wave ***
  Sorry to any lovely Irish people reading. 
  Proofing that b4ta is woo. (108104 - 33566)

  Always rip lettuce with your hands, as using
  a knife makes it go brown.

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