NEWSLETTER: "HOW DO YOU GET A ONE ARMED IRISHMAN OUT OF A TREE?"
This Week:
* QUESTION - Ever met a weirdo on the internet?
* SICK JOKE BOOK - we have publisher
* WEB 2.0 - backlash ahoy
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 220 - 17 Mar 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Vegans, Cheney, eBay and Dragons
>> Never let a vegan cook <<
"Look look look look look what I've done!"
trills Comma, "I've made a giant vegan Jaffa
Cake, aren't I great?" Ah. Um. Actually, this
looks kind of revolting and we're very glad
you're not cooking our dinner tonight.
http://www.ayliff.freeserve.co.uk/sarah/jaffacake....
>> Obligatory Cheney game <<
U.S Vice President Dick Cheney has suffered
much public ridicule since his accidental
shooting of 78-year-old man whilst on a duck
hunt. Even Microsoft chairman Bill Gates was
moved to comment during computer security
conference "I'm really glad to be here. My
other invitation was to go quail hunting with
Dick Cheney." Basically, we're saying as humour
targets go, Cheney is a sitting duck. This
hasn't stopped our lovely flash genius chum
Andy Foulds turning it into a strangely
beautiful game though.
http://www.andyfoulds.co.uk/amusement/lawyer_hunt....
>> eBay advert parody <<
Your Ginger Fuhrer is feeling rather pro
eBay today as he's just bought a lovely mac
laptop at a knock-down price - chances are
the next issue will be written in Helvetica.
Anyways, we enjoyed Curis and Caro's charming
little take on the ad campaign currently
running on UK telly.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/3366
>> Lovely dragons <<
Several months back we linked a little origami
project to make a paper dragon whose head nods
as you move around the room. Straymuffin has
filmed it. It's not essential viewing, but
we love the music (The Flumps) and the oddly
bashful dragon.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/3269
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: SICK JOKE BOOK UPDATE
Fuck my boots, we have a publisher
The book they said would never be published,
the B3ta Bumper Book of Sick Jokes has secured
a publisher with the lovely people at The
Friday Project. Frankly, they're now shitting
themselves wondering what exactly they've
taken on. Anyways woos around, we think. We're
also still looking for illustrations for our
fine tome, so if you want the chance of seeing
your skills in print then get cracking.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sickjokes/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Squatting in the 70s <<
In 1977, Freston Road, a street in Notting Hill,
attempted to create their own country apart
from the United Kingdom, giving themselves
the name Frestonia. This series of photos of
hippies, drug addicts, tramps and single mums
were to be their citizens. Of course it was
doomed, but it's a fascinating slice of
history none-the-less.
http://www.halftone.co.uk/fres/fresmenu.htm
>> Create your own Google news story <<
Tom Vendetta is a 16 year old student from
New Jersey and self confessed "biggest Google
fanboy ever." He's been mucking about, putting
a jokey press release out claiming that Goggle
have employed their youngest intern ever, i.e
him. The release gets picked up by the Goggle
news service itself and all hell breaks
loose. Read on:
http://snipurl.com/googlebooboo
>> The 39 dollar experiment <<
Bloke buys $39 worth of stamps. Sends 100
letters to different companies asking for
'free stuff' - so far he's generated $137.41
of almost entirely useless crap. Oddly enough
he also mentions B3ta alumnus Joel Veitch's
Quiznos ads, in one letter slamming them, and
another letter rating them. Nice to know really.
http://www.the39dollarexperiment.com/
>> Best radio ad ever <<
CCC posted this radio ad on our links board from
Flintshire Motors asking whether it's the best
or worst radio ad ever. The answer is clear,
it's the best. It's fucking genius.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/3507
>> Top Ten strangest Lego creations <<
An easy win for the Lego fans here. All the
oddest brick stuff in one place. Our vote goes
to number 6, the Lego harpsichord.
http://snipurl.com/LegoCreations
>> Dogs in shawls <<
Fraser should be worried, there's a new player
on the block seeking the crown of 'best
internet animal curator.' They look like Russian
peasants queuing for potatoes to us.
http://makiogumi.web.infoseek.co.jp/0main.html
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: GEEK OF THE WEEK
Building weird projects because they can
There was a family round our way when we were
kids who had their front room fitted out as
a bar. Complete with optics and beer pumps.
They also kept mucky drawings under the bar,
that my friends father had made of his mother.
Our parent thought they were common. So
welcome to 'cyber common web 2.0'...
http://homepage.mac.com/mmurph/bar/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
School Fights
We wanted you to tell us about the fights at
school. We'd forgotten just how violent little
kids can be:
http://b3ta.com/questions/fightfightfight/
* I've been in exactly one fight...
"I was in a bar in Bournemouth, minding my own
business, getting rat-arsed. Beside me a
rather attractive young first-year student.
Guy standing other side of her giving her grief,
pawing at her, trying to kiss her. She's
obviously very pissed off with him. I decide
to be a hero, and tell him to piss off. He
takes offence at this, and takes a swing at
me, which brushes my jaw, failing to properly
connect. Without thinking, I swing a mighty
left, and knock out the girl. Oops. And then
I ran away." (Demonic Omelette)
* Little girls
"You do not know true terror until you have been
bullied by cute little blonde girls. I'm in the
top year at school. Those below me bend to my
will, and anyone who crosses me feels me wrath.
Unless they're in my year, or otherwise bigger
than me, because I'm a weedy little fucker,
but let's not go into that. Enter three girls
three years below me. Blonde, they are, and
about waist height. The kind that would make a
child molester drop to his knees and weep. Now
add the general demeanour of a nineteen year
old chav who's been in and out of young
offenders and jail since she was eight. But
what are you supposed to do? You can't hit
girls, especially not little girls. You can't
ignore them, because then they nick your stuff
and chuck things at you. So, one of them threw
a chair at us. Things were said that perhaps
shouldn't have been. Mistakes were made. My
dear friend Robbie, in an act of brilliance
that has never been paralleled since, snapped,
grabbed a bin from nearby and proceeded to
upturn it over her head. His intention was to
trap her, and cause hilarity as she stumbled
around. He did not expect the bin to be full.
Full, specifically, of shitty cold soup and
old yoghurt. In slow motion, a bucket load of
what looked like cold puke (with lumps) dropped
all over her. The whole hall stood frozen for
a few moments, waiting for her reaction. She
screamed. The silence broken, we all fled out
the back door and ran off to next lesson. And
that, my friends, was last Friday for you."
(BionicSheep)
* Comedy Classic
"Some break times me and my group of mates used
to form a large circle, facing inwards and start
chanting the world standard, "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!",
which obviously attracts the attention of anyone
near by, and causes them to come running to watch.
Except when they got there, there was never a
fight, just one of my mates doing "the robot"
in the middle of the circle. Made us laugh every
time." (Nyphur)
>> This Week's Question <<
Met a weirdo on the interweb? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/weirdos/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Cats are clever, dogs are stupid
* CATS - known for the cunning with which they
imitate the cries of a human infant to win your
affection. Oh yes, cats are evil geniuses.
These particularly sly moggies take it a step
further and actually talk. But should you believe
a cat that says he loves you?
http://video.google.com/videoplay
* DOGS - never get between a dog and his dinner.
Not even if you're a bit of the same dog. This
gifted canine suspects his hind legs of wanting
to steal the dinner from his mouth. Yep. Dogs
really are not the brightest.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/3227
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: WEB 2.0 HYPE BACKLASH SPESH
To those living under a rock, the net has gone
mad for 'Web 2.0' in the last year or so. We're
talking those social applications like Myspace,
and Flickr that allow you to collect friends
and use clever new technology.
Whenever something gets a bit of hype there's
always a few kids at the back of the class,
mocking teacher. Here's three of our favourites:
* Isolatr - helping you find where other people
aren't.
http://isolatr.com/
* Web 2.0 or Star Wars Quiz?
http://www.cerado.com/web20quiz.htm
* Snubster - de-networking the people you hate.
http://www.snubster.com/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Roman Internet Challenge
Last week we wanted to know what the Romans
would have got up to had they had the Internet.
Our favourites included:
* ROMAN ROADS - one thing is for certain: giving
directions would be much, much simpler.
(mugatu)
* SPARTICUS - This joke came up more than once,
but is represented best in this example of
Instant Messaging chaos.
(Tu9)
* HADRIAN'S FIREWALL - we like this mainly
because it's in Latin, and therefore beyond
our comprehension.
(mystery_bob)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/romans/
>> New challenge: Failed Sex Toys <<
For every vacuum pump or vibrator that sells
a million, there must be loads of sex toys that
fail to make it to production, and we want to
see the prototypes. Challenge suggested by 'you
lose the game'.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sextoys/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* IF MS INVENTED THE iPOD - A couple of weeks
ago, we linked to a vid that took the piss
out of Microsoft's cluttered box designs. But
we didn't know who made it. Come this week and
MS's Tom Pilla revealed it was no other than
Microsoft themselves. "It was an internal-only
video clip commissioned by our packaging [team]
to humorously... educate marketers here about
the pitfalls of packaging/branding," he said.
* PHALLIC LOGO AWARDS - It seems that Pontin's
found out about their inclusion in our now-
legendary phallic logo awards. "They've now
decided on a tiny change to the logo to remove
said cockage," gleefully reports Artyzyph.
"Across the whole company. AT TREMENDOUS COST!"
Compare / contrast for yourself:
http://www.b3ta.com/features/phalliclogoawards/
http://www.pontins.com/
* SHIT AND TOMATOES - Inclement weather has
postponed the start of Scaryduck's experiment
to grow fruit from his own faeces. Rest assured
though, that the man himself is on a strict
tomato-and-Guinness diet as he awaits the
coming zephyrs. He promises pictures of the
entire proceedings. Thanks. Thanks very much
for that.
http://snipurl.com/scarymuck
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: FRIDAY GAME
Two-headed hydra of gaming doom
* MONG OUT - dope smokers will enjoy this game
of 'your the pretty little blob and you the
only way forward is to eat all the other
blobs.' A metaphor for life really. Assuming
you're caned.
http://intihuatani.usc.edu/cloud/flowing/core.html
* STING GAME - more of an arcade game this one,
can you guide the string around the maze
without hitting the walls? We can't. But then
we from suffer partial muscle paralysis,
often accompanied by loss of sensation and
uncontrollable body movements or tremors.
http://www.zeronews-fr.com/flash/string-avoider.ph...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MOLESTR.COM - keeping the Web 2.0 parody
stuff going, let's network the paedophiles and
kids.
* TOOTHPASTENOMORE.COM - don't brush your teeth
again and take a photo each day. It'll be
art. People would want to look, anyway.
* CORRECTPOSTUREPRON.COM - we've been working
with a bloke recently who's got a bit of
a thing about women who sit up straight.
He thinks they're 'prim but dirty' - looks
like an untapped porn market to us.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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: THANKS
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by hughlunnon & BourbonBiscuits.
Top Tippery by ironman testicles.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
*** ANSWER TO JOKE: Wave ***
Sorry to any lovely Irish people reading.
Proofing that b4ta is woo. (108104 - 33566)
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: TOP TIP
Always rip lettuce with your hands, as using
a knife makes it go brown.
