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This Week:
* ART - Lady wants to plaster cast your penis
* RAVE - Coronation Street stylee
* VIDEO SCHMIDEO - it's out of control

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
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B3ta email 221 - 24 Mar 2006

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  Reality TV, Knobs, The Street & Bot-flies

  >> The Apprentice: Bonus task <<
  Fraser has been amusing himself by pestering
  contestants on BBC 'reality' business show
  with an extra, 'bonus' question. Who would
  win in a fight - a gorilla or a grizzly bear?
  The answers make enlightening reading.

  >> Knob casting <<
  Men - Sundaeg1rl wants your cock. She's making
  busts of penises and would like to make a plaster
  cast of your cyclopean chum. "Don't be scared!"
  she trills. "I'm really very gentle..."

  >> Coronation Street rave <<
  Yes, the classic British soap cut to hardcore,
  German beats. It peters out towards the end,
  but we still loved seeing staid old Clare
  and Ashley made to spout the lines of some
  bloke from Düsseldorf. Nice one, Fromage.

  >> My bot-fly baby <<
  Clopinettes brought back a little something
  extra from a holiday in the jungles of Peru.
  Here he tells the tale of how he and his mates
  yanked the bot-fly larva from his back with a
  pair of tweezers and some Vaseline. And quite
  gross it is too. "I'm kind of pleased with
  giving birth," he says. Congratulations!


  Best of all that Google Video YouTube bollocks
  >> 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps' ukulele <<
  The ukulele has become the instrument of
  choice for anyone wanting to do a 'comedy'
  cover version. So our expectations of this
  were fairly low. Surprise - it's quite lovely. 

  >> Motorhead puppets <<
  What a showman! This bow-tied busker created an
  entire frenetic rock show out of customised
  Barbies and Kens. Brilliant. If you're making
  idents for  MTV - hire this man. Right now,

  >> Dizzy cat <<
  Cats are normally so poised, it's great to
  watch this one go absolutely demented chasing
  its own tail - then stagger round in a clumsy
  and giddy fashion.

  >> London sky timeline <<
  Great time-lapse video of our capital's sky-line.
  We wish our camera had this function.

  >> Crap raps 1986 <<
  Ah, the heady days of the 80s, when rap was
  in its infancy. Giants walked the earth in
  those days. But there was rubbish too - check
  out this extraordinarily banal bout of freestyle
  rap battle.

  >> Crap raps 2006 <<
  Meet the future of rap. It's the Kersal
  Massive and we are very scared. Our favourite
  is 'Little Kev' and his squeaky stylings.
  Reader Generationgav says, "This got
  bluetoothed to me on a bus and I wanted the
  whole world to see!" Thanks for sharing.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Desktop blues <<
  Deacon Blue once sang "Can a white man sing
  the blues?" We suspect the be-sporraned
  popsters maybe have been imagining this
  interactive music toy where you can create
  your own Mississippi-style lament. It's clicky
  too. Woo!

  >> Hidden swears <<
  We've always enjoyed 'hidden swears' at B3ta
  Towers. Scunthorpe contains 'cunt', whilst
  wristwatch hides a 'twat'. Check out this
  unfortunately-shot van door for the latest
  unintended vagina.

  >> Flickr speech bubbles <<
  Nifty Flickr tool here: type in the name of
  a Flickr user (robmanuel, maybe) or a phrase
  (lesbians) and add your own speech bubbles
  and email them on. Simple subversion guaranteed.

  >> Patent or gaytent? <<
  Always good for a cheap laugh is looking at the
  odder end of the potential products submitted
  to the US Patent Office. We're particularly
  enjoying the "Receptacle Assembly for Receiving
  Canine Faecal Matter" which looks like an Alien
  face-hugger on a dog's arse (scroll down.)

  >> Penguin postcard toy <<
  You know those websites that let you piss on
  snow and create a cute message you can email
  your chums? This cool variation features a 
  penguin stomach-diving down a mountain to create 
  a message in the snow. Lovely. BTW: We're waiting 
  for a version where you can cut your message into
  the flesh of a prostitute.


  I met a weirdo on the interweb

  We wanted to hear about the weird people you've
  met on the web (after realising that most of the
  people running B3ta had done just that).

  There's at least three stories from people that
  met their current spouses, but there's also:
  * The Hit-Man - constantly ducking and diving
    to avoid (imaginary) stalkers.
  * The Stalker - who managed to carve DIE U BASTA
    into the wrong car before being caught.
  * The Pirate - he made his own swords and
    got scurvy from too many fizzy drinks and
    not enough daylight.
  Finally, there's the cute-old-granny...
  * Weirdo? Shit, that's me:
    "I was a member of a poker website. I never
    played any of the really high stake games;
    I think the highest I ever played was $5.
    Anyway, after a particularly bad spell, I
    managed to spazz all my cash and was down
    to about 10c. Then I hit upon a clever idea.
    I changed my user profile to that of an
    elderly woman who loves cats, etc. I started
    joining in the live chat that went with the
    game, talking about my lovely grandchildren
    and everything. Man, it WORKED! I was no
    longer getting bullied off bets, and people
    seemed to let me get away with all sorts.
    In no time, I had clawed my way up from 10c
    to $20, and was going from strength to
    strength. The problem was that I really got
    involved with this character I had created.
    I almost started believing I was this lovely
    old lady who grew tomatoes and gave money to
    the poor. The more I talked to (and distracted)
    my opponents, the happier they seemed to be.
    Then suddenly it hit me. This website must
    be full of sad lonely bastards yearning for
    a nice family and homely, granny-cooked
    dinners. That, and the fact that I felt
    like a Patrick Bateman / Mrs. Doubtfire hybrid
    led to me canceling my registration. I still
    feel like I need a shower when I think about
    it now." (geegee)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  Were you in the armed forces? Know a scary bastard
  who still is? Talk to us here:


  Green fingered 'golden showers'

  UK Gardener Alan Titchmarsh has been on the grot
  pills. Apparently he's recommending golden showers
  - that's consensual peeing on loved ones, if you're
  not part of the urine sub-culture - on page 25 of
  this week's Radio Times. And to think this man has
  tended Nelson Mandela's garden and calls himself
  a Christian.


  Results from the Failed Sex Toy Challenge

  Last week we asked to see the 
  prototypes of sex toys that never 
  quite made it to market.

  Our favourites included:
  * CADBURY'S CREME COCK - if we weren't so manly,
    this chocolate treat would have us licking our
    lips in  anticipation. (mystery_bob)

  * DARTH INVADER - Experience the dark side of
    self-pleasure with this  frightening sex-aid. 
    (The Great Architect)

  * VICTORIA BECKHAM SEX DOLL - Scarily realistic
    rendering of the failed pop star. Self-assembly
    version. (wibblywobbly)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: If Google Owned Everything <<
  Whatever you think of them, it seems like Google 
  is slowly conquering the World. But what happens 
  when they finally claim victory, when the company 
  owns absolutely everything? Show us life under a 
  Google regime...

  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * PONTINS PHALLIC UPDATE - after mentioning
    last week that the UK holiday company
    changed its logo because of our Phallic Logo
    Awards, a friend said, "Gosh. You really
    should tell the tabloids about this." So we
    phoned up the soar away Sun and explained 
    events. The man on the desk said, "It sounds
    like you do very bizarre things. We aren't
    interested in running this story" Then he
    hung up on us. The red-top cunts.

  * MORE WEB 2.0 BACKLASH - Noonard writes "I
    couldn't bring myself to build molestr.com.
    But fear not - behold the 'new' and
    'collaborative' fwappr.com! Like all great
    Web 2.0 ideas, I'm just off now to go and ask
    those lovely folks at Yahoo for a couple of

  * AMNESTY - have been in touch to thank B3tard's
    for the fantastic response to their "Protect
    the Human Campaign."  We never knew you were
    so conscientious.  They still need your help
    to make a million faces petition so check out
    their video and sign up.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * TIP-EX MODS - use correction fluid and
    permanent marker to public instances of the
    word "paper" so as to make it read "rape".
    Removing the R and change the P, would make
    the shop Paper Chase into 'rape chase'. 

  * EAR WAX PAINTINGS - use your finger to rub
    images into paper. Paint over it all, and
    the paint won't stick to the wax.

  * SCAPE-GOAT-PLC.COM - when a project goes
    wrong people are always looking for
    someone to blame. Set up a company to
    absolve the world from guilt.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Robtoo, Scouse Bastard, TBL,
  edjogs, Cheeky Boy!, Scaryduck, and Albert the
  Mildly Deranged. Top Tippery by Scott Craig.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Profing by thes b4ta. (108195 - 33896)

  If you're carrying live fish in the car make
  sure they are pointed towards the rear of the
  vehicle, so if you brake suddenly you don't
  bruise their delicate fish noses.

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