we love the web
email us

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* REPORT - DIY Tampons tested
* REMIX - Kersal Massive
* SEX - B3ta pin-up of the week

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 222 - 31 Mar 2006

Read this issue in your browser:

       Subscribe:  [email protected]
         Unsub:  [email protected]


  DIY Tampons, Tom Baker, Kersal Remix & Brides

  >> Top tampons tested <<
  If B3ta was a lady she'd always be on the blob,
  hence we were happy to read about Jim's scientific
  rag-testing. Particular props to his roll-your-own
  fanny-stick made from a few kitchen towels and
  some string. Now if there are any women reading
  who'd like to test this for real, then you know
  where to send the photos to.

  >> More Tom Baker Says <<
  Few weeks back we covered the British Telecom
  SMS system which allows your messages to be read
  out in the voice of our toothy, curly haired
  wank-fantasy, Sir Thomas of Baker. Andy has gone
  one better and commanded him to sing. Although
  quite why he's singing The Smiths' 'How Soon Is
  Now' is anyone's guess. (We'd have picked the
  immortal Color me Badd's 'I Want To Sex You Up',
  and thrown in the Popbitch line, 'Tom is
  putting it in now' for good measure.)

  >> Kersal Massive remix <<
  Last week's link to a bunch of chavvy kids
  rapping rather badly proved to quite popular.
  We've had numerous remixes sent in, with mC's
  one being our favourite. BTW: Does anyone know
  these kids? How are they dealing with their
  new-found internet fame? Trained webmongs are
  waiting for your email.

  >> Not a very good game, but very odd <<
  Yay to the fuddled mind of Elliott Baker who's
  made a game that we can't really make work, but
  its very existence makes us smile. You play
  a bride on her wedding day and press left or
  right to avoid the ducks flying straight at your
  face. Poor Elliot, always the bridesmaid and
  never the bride.


  Crap job?

  Sapping your will to live?  How's about you put
  your talents to use and maybe even earn a little
  (or a lot?!) more!  Chinwag Jobs has 900+ new media
  jobs listed on our new website, ranging from
  Google and Yahoo! to award winning creative
  agencies.  Check it!

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  B3ta pin-up of the week

  She's got more chins than a Chinese phone book,
  she has pretty eyes, pigtails and a moustache.
  She's a marvel. There's prizes available to any
  readers prepared to date her and write up the
  experience with photos. Who knows? Perhaps you'll
  fall in love. Just don't breed, ok?


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> World's best resignation letter <<
  Sysops are a funny old bunch. Within an
  organisation they may not be on the highest wage,
  but as they can read everyone's email and view
  peoples weblogs, they wield an inordinate amount
  of power. So here's a tip - never cross one.

  >> Scarlett Johansson - Unamerican Terrorist <<
  "Saw this on the bus and I must say I was quite
  shocked to see that Scarlett Johansson plotted a
  9/11 hit on the White House," observes Overheat.
  BTW: We're trying to think of something funny
  to write about Scarlett, and we've been staring
  at her photo for an hour now - all we can
  think of is, "Phwoar. She's got great tits."

  >> Practical jokes you can do at home: Door/Glass <<
  Step 1: Remove glass from a busy door
  Step 2: Film some poor sods falling over when they
          try to pass through.
  Step 3: Stick the video on the web with some ad banners.
  Step 4: Profit!

  >> Gay dolls <<
  Maybe the 'dress Barbie & Ken up and make them
  fuck like beasts' meme is old now. Didn't stop us
  getting a few giggles from this bumsexualist
  reworking. Anyone fancy making some Cabbage Patch
  scat? With real poo?

  >> KitKats Vs Peanut butter <<
  Nasty food is always an easy win for us. Loving
  this experiment to find out if the peanut butter
  KitKat can be improved by adding real peanut
  butter? Hmmm. What next? Geeks overclock your
  microwave so it can cook a Pot Noodle in 0.5 seconds?

  >> Re-writing Enid Blyton illustrations <<
  We read hundreds of Enid Blyton books as a child,
  and the only bits we remember was a gollywog
  character called N-word. This chappy has been
  amusing himself by taking the pictures from
  such books and writing naughty captions. The
  cheeky scamp. Cheap laughs for all the family.

  >> Britney birth sculpture <<
  Christ's shitting man-fanny. Have you seen this
  yet? A Pro-Life statue of Britney Spears giving
  birth on a bearskin rug. Actually, speaking as
  worldly wise web-Uncle types who know about
  such things, we're not sure Britney's composed
  expression is entirely accurate. She'd be more
  likely scream, "You fucking cunt. Why did I
  allow you to get me pregnant?" and then shit
  herself and cry. Didn't stop us cracking one
  out in the waiting room though.


  In the Army Now

  Last week we asked for your stories of the
  armed forces:

  Here's three stories that touched us in that
  special way:
  * "Bear in mind I was 14 and this was cadets:
    Drill Instructor - Get up the rope!
    Me - Sir, I cannot get up the rope, Sir!
    DI - I am ordering you to get up the rope.
         Are you disobeying a direct order?
    Me - Sir. I cannot get up the rope, Sir!
    DI - What kind of yellow faggot are you?
         Did the doctor make a mistake and hand
         your mother her placenta sack or did
         she give birth to a boy?
    Me - Sir. She gave birth to a boy, sir.
    DI - Then get up the fucking rope, schmuck.
    Me - Sir. I really... I can't... the rope, Sir.
    DI - Well I hope your mother's proud. She's
         the parent and owner of a talking sack of
         shit. That's quite a feat. She should be
         in Ripley's Believe it or not. She should
         be in the Guinness Book of Records. I don't
         think anybody has ever passed a whingeing
         turd before. Is your mother proud of you,
    Me - Sir, My mother hung herself three years
         ago, sir.
    DI - Oh. So the rope is reminding...
    Me - Sir, Yes Sir!
    DI - Move on to the next obstacle!"
    (I'm a schmuck)
  * "A recently ex-RAF pilot mate now works as a
    very posh taxi driver, flying celebs and the
    well-to-do around as part of a fleet of
    private jets. Not that funny in itself, but in
    a freezer at their base is a collection of
    celebrity turds that the crews 'collect' from
    the jet khazis. He is very proud that his first
    contribution was a brown otter belonging to a
    certain ex-member of a girl band who was quite
    posh. He also claims that there is a collection
    of Royal steamers harvested from the Royal jet,
    under lock and key on an RAF base. Why? Why not?"
    (I am spartacus)
  * "At school this slightly plump girl in my form
    said she wanted to join the army. So naturally,
    I asked her if she was going to be a bomb, she
    didn't like that. She didn't want to be a tank
    either - I checked." (Didyoumissme1)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like your stories from school sports days.
  When you've got your breath back, talk to us here:


  Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Boobies.

  Popular link site, Fark always denotes its
  pages of filth with a small, jiggling icon
  marked 'boobies'. Looks like this 99p store
  is a fan. (Thanks Kushan.)


  Results from the Google Challenge

  Last week we asked you to imagine a world
  where everything was owned by Google.

  Our favourites included:
  * FEELING LUCKY? - We like the idea of a
    world in which a single click could save
    one from a rogue cop's deadly bullets.

  * FLAT SEARCH - a genuinely useful
    implementation of Google's search
    technology. One day this will be real.

  * MUSIC SEARCH - another possible vision of
    the future. Surely it's only a matter of
    time. (monkeon)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Inappropriate Charity Events <<
  Want to help in the battle against anorexia?
  Then why not organise a charity bake-off to
  raise awareness? We want to see what poorly
  thought-out charity events you'd like to sponsor.

  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We'd like you to suggest a challenge, and
  vote on the ideas suggested by others. Do it now.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * EAR CANDLE TEST - JimmerUk (he of the tampon
    test) writes, "I was bored one evening and was
    flicking through some old newsletters for ones
    I had missed. I discovered you'd been having
    a debate on Ear Candles. My girlfriend swears
    by these, and I have always humoured her. After
    reading everyone's comments I decided to put
    them to the test." BTW: JimmerUK, you should
    dump your missus. She's clearly a wax-eared
    hippy. And probably fucking the local Chinese

  * GIANT CREME EGG - j0nnyspence writes, "You
    may remember my 'solid chocolate easter egg'
    in last year's mail. This time I've gone a
    little further and made a giant creme egg.
    BTW: The photos peter out on this when the
    cameras batteries run out. For fuck's sake
    readers! Get a job and stop being such
    batteryless povos.

    in the pub this week who mentioned he liked
    the collection of cute photos we put together
    from your suggestions. He told us, "I sent them
    to this woman I liked and it got me laid."
    Blimey. Next time send us the photos. Not
    for publication. For our private use.


  Sketchy platform game

  Loving this hard-drawn reworking of the old
  Sonic game. Should keep you busy if you're
  not allowed to look at porn in your office.


  Meet webtards and duff them up

  A while back we opened the B3ta Calendar to
  allow you to organise your own events and
  have a social life beyond collecting imaginary
  friends on Myspace. We're pleased to report
  that's ticking along nicely and lots of people
  are meeting up, getting drunk and some even
  copping off and having babies.

  Here's a couple of events you might like to
  know about:

  * LONDON BASH - this Saturday from 2pm
    there will be beers in London.

  * AMSTERDAM - what about 2 days of drinking,
    walking around the red-light district, and
    getting paranoid on super-skunk?

  * B3TA GAY PRIDE - we've finally arrived
    and we have our own GaySoc.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * RAW EGGS GUINNESS - CrispyDolphin writes,
    "breaking a raw egg into a pint of Guinness
    results in the egg floating on the surface
    of the liquid but hidden by the creamy, thick
    head, rendering the egg invisible to any
    unwitting drinker. Once supped upon, this
    protein-enriched pint will cause instant
    vomiting due to the slimy shock of the egg
    slipping down your throat and the old brain
    issuing RED ALERT! EJECT EJECT! signals."
    Now, we don't know if this is true but would
    love to know for sure. Photograph/video
    the resulting reactions.

  * NABAZTAG HACKING PRANKS - get one of those
    wireless bunnies and hack it to say, "I see
    dead people." Leave it in the office and
    freak out the cleaners. Video this.

  * WHEELCHAIR FUN - turn up at celebrity events
    with sitting in a wheelchair and holding
    a microphone. Celebs will queue up to talk
    to you, thinking of the great PR value.
    Visibly shit yourself and say, "sorry. I've
    had an accident." Film the reaction.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by delicious, rhcpaul, 
  cheb, jo-jo the majic clown, goatboy2k,
  Top Tippery by "Anthea Turner: Perfect
  Housewife". BTW: She doesn't look bad for
  45 until you get the close-ups. She's gone
  too thin and it's ageing her.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  The man from B4ta. He say yay! (108290 - 34203)


  Get cat hair off your sofa by rubbing the fabric
  with a rubber glove. (This can also spice up
  a dull wank.)

next issue »
« previous issue