NEWSLETTER: "ROLL YOUR OWN TAMPONS"
This Week:
* REPORT - DIY Tampons tested
* REMIX - Kersal Massive
* SEX - B3ta pin-up of the week
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 222 - 31 Mar 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue222/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
DIY Tampons, Tom Baker, Kersal Remix & Brides
>> Top tampons tested <<
If B3ta was a lady she'd always be on the blob,
hence we were happy to read about Jim's scientific
rag-testing. Particular props to his roll-your-own
fanny-stick made from a few kitchen towels and
some string. Now if there are any women reading
who'd like to test this for real, then you know
where to send the photos to.
http://snipurl.com/blobbyblobbyblobby
>> More Tom Baker Says <<
Few weeks back we covered the British Telecom
SMS system which allows your messages to be read
out in the voice of our toothy, curly haired
wank-fantasy, Sir Thomas of Baker. Andy has gone
one better and commanded him to sing. Although
quite why he's singing The Smiths' 'How Soon Is
Now' is anyone's guess. (We'd have picked the
immortal Color me Badd's 'I Want To Sex You Up',
and thrown in the Popbitch line, 'Tom is
putting it in now' for good measure.)
http://www.thedoctorsays.co.uk/thedoctorsings/inde...
>> Kersal Massive remix <<
Last week's link to a bunch of chavvy kids
rapping rather badly proved to quite popular.
We've had numerous remixes sent in, with mC's
one being our favourite. BTW: Does anyone know
these kids? How are they dealing with their
new-found internet fame? Trained webmongs are
waiting for your email.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/5361
>> Not a very good game, but very odd <<
Yay to the fuddled mind of Elliott Baker who's
made a game that we can't really make work, but
its very existence makes us smile. You play
a bride on her wedding day and press left or
right to avoid the ducks flying straight at your
face. Poor Elliot, always the bridesmaid and
never the bride.
http://www.goringjazzgig.co.uk/odyssey/media/play/...
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Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: HUMAN ZOO
B3ta pin-up of the week
She's got more chins than a Chinese phone book,
she has pretty eyes, pigtails and a moustache.
She's a marvel. There's prizes available to any
readers prepared to date her and write up the
experience with photos. Who knows? Perhaps you'll
fall in love. Just don't breed, ok?
http://www.likemybody.com/index.php
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> World's best resignation letter <<
Sysops are a funny old bunch. Within an
organisation they may not be on the highest wage,
but as they can read everyone's email and view
peoples weblogs, they wield an inordinate amount
of power. So here's a tip - never cross one.
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/book/World%20Class%20R...
>> Scarlett Johansson - Unamerican Terrorist <<
"Saw this on the bus and I must say I was quite
shocked to see that Scarlett Johansson plotted a
9/11 hit on the White House," observes Overheat.
BTW: We're trying to think of something funny
to write about Scarlett, and we've been staring
at her photo for an hour now - all we can
think of is, "Phwoar. She's got great tits."
http://img363.imageshack.us/img363/1329/randomphot...
>> Practical jokes you can do at home: Door/Glass <<
Step 1: Remove glass from a busy door
Step 2: Film some poor sods falling over when they
try to pass through.
Step 3: Stick the video on the web with some ad banners.
Step 4: Profit!
http://www.compfused.com/directlink/1302/
>> Gay dolls <<
Maybe the 'dress Barbie & Ken up and make them
fuck like beasts' meme is old now. Didn't stop us
getting a few giggles from this bumsexualist
reworking. Anyone fancy making some Cabbage Patch
scat? With real poo?
http://www.poseablethumbs.com/galleries/action/ind...
>> KitKats Vs Peanut butter <<
Nasty food is always an easy win for us. Loving
this experiment to find out if the peanut butter
KitKat can be improved by adding real peanut
butter? Hmmm. What next? Geeks overclock your
microwave so it can cook a Pot Noodle in 0.5 seconds?
http://snipurl.com/kitkattwat
>> Re-writing Enid Blyton illustrations <<
We read hundreds of Enid Blyton books as a child,
and the only bits we remember was a gollywog
character called N-word. This chappy has been
amusing himself by taking the pictures from
such books and writing naughty captions. The
cheeky scamp. Cheap laughs for all the family.
http://monkeyfluids.blogspot.com/
>> Britney birth sculpture <<
Christ's shitting man-fanny. Have you seen this
yet? A Pro-Life statue of Britney Spears giving
birth on a bearskin rug. Actually, speaking as
worldly wise web-Uncle types who know about
such things, we're not sure Britney's composed
expression is entirely accurate. She'd be more
likely scream, "You fucking cunt. Why did I
allow you to get me pregnant?" and then shit
herself and cry. Didn't stop us cracking one
out in the waiting room though.
http://www.caplakesting.com/2006_catalog/de/index....
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
In the Army Now
Last week we asked for your stories of the
armed forces:
http://b3ta.com/questions/inthearmynow/
Here's three stories that touched us in that
special way:
* "Bear in mind I was 14 and this was cadets:
Drill Instructor - Get up the rope!
Me - Sir, I cannot get up the rope, Sir!
DI - I am ordering you to get up the rope.
Are you disobeying a direct order?
Me - Sir. I cannot get up the rope, Sir!
DI - What kind of yellow faggot are you?
Did the doctor make a mistake and hand
your mother her placenta sack or did
she give birth to a boy?
Me - Sir. She gave birth to a boy, sir.
DI - Then get up the fucking rope, schmuck.
Me - Sir. I really... I can't... the rope, Sir.
DI - Well I hope your mother's proud. She's
the parent and owner of a talking sack of
shit. That's quite a feat. She should be
in Ripley's Believe it or not. She should
be in the Guinness Book of Records. I don't
think anybody has ever passed a whingeing
turd before. Is your mother proud of you,
schmuck?
Me - Sir, My mother hung herself three years
ago, sir.
DI - Oh. So the rope is reminding...
Me - Sir, Yes Sir!
DI - Move on to the next obstacle!"
(I'm a schmuck)
* "A recently ex-RAF pilot mate now works as a
very posh taxi driver, flying celebs and the
well-to-do around as part of a fleet of
private jets. Not that funny in itself, but in
a freezer at their base is a collection of
celebrity turds that the crews 'collect' from
the jet khazis. He is very proud that his first
contribution was a brown otter belonging to a
certain ex-member of a girl band who was quite
posh. He also claims that there is a collection
of Royal steamers harvested from the Royal jet,
under lock and key on an RAF base. Why? Why not?"
(I am spartacus)
* "At school this slightly plump girl in my form
said she wanted to join the army. So naturally,
I asked her if she was going to be a bomb, she
didn't like that. She didn't want to be a tank
either - I checked." (Didyoumissme1)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your stories from school sports days.
When you've got your breath back, talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sportsday/
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: FILTHY MARKETING
Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Boobies.
Popular link site, Fark always denotes its
pages of filth with a small, jiggling icon
marked 'boobies'. Looks like this 99p store
is a fan. (Thanks Kushan.)
http://snipurl.com/titstitstits
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Google Challenge
Last week we asked you to imagine a world
where everything was owned by Google.
Our favourites included:
* FEELING LUCKY? - We like the idea of a
world in which a single click could save
one from a rogue cop's deadly bullets.
(mugatu)
* FLAT SEARCH - a genuinely useful
implementation of Google's search
technology. One day this will be real.
(gaijintendo)
* MUSIC SEARCH - another possible vision of
the future. Surely it's only a matter of
time. (monkeon)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/google/
>> New challenge: Inappropriate Charity Events <<
Want to help in the battle against anorexia?
Then why not organise a charity bake-off to
raise awareness? We want to see what poorly
thought-out charity events you'd like to sponsor.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/charity/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We'd like you to suggest a challenge, and
vote on the ideas suggested by others. Do it now.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* EAR CANDLE TEST - JimmerUk (he of the tampon
test) writes, "I was bored one evening and was
flicking through some old newsletters for ones
I had missed. I discovered you'd been having
a debate on Ear Candles. My girlfriend swears
by these, and I have always humoured her. After
reading everyone's comments I decided to put
them to the test." BTW: JimmerUK, you should
dump your missus. She's clearly a wax-eared
hippy. And probably fucking the local Chinese
herbalist.
http://snipurl.com/fuckingearcandles
* GIANT CREME EGG - j0nnyspence writes, "You
may remember my 'solid chocolate easter egg'
in last year's mail. This time I've gone a
little further and made a giant creme egg.
BTW: The photos peter out on this when the
cameras batteries run out. For fuck's sake
readers! Get a job and stop being such
batteryless povos.
http://mysite.wanadoo-members.co.uk/j0nnyspence/eg...
* THINGSTHATMAKEYOUGOAAHH - we met a bloke
in the pub this week who mentioned he liked
the collection of cute photos we put together
from your suggestions. He told us, "I sent them
to this woman I liked and it got me laid."
Blimey. Next time send us the photos. Not
for publication. For our private use.
http://www.thingsthatmakeyougoaahh.com/
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: FRIDAY GAME
Sketchy platform game
Loving this hard-drawn reworking of the old
Sonic game. Should keep you busy if you're
not allowed to look at porn in your office.
http://hallpass.com/media/fancypantsadventure.html
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: B3TA CALENDAR
Meet webtards and duff them up
A while back we opened the B3ta Calendar to
allow you to organise your own events and
have a social life beyond collecting imaginary
friends on Myspace. We're pleased to report
that's ticking along nicely and lots of people
are meeting up, getting drunk and some even
copping off and having babies.
Here's a couple of events you might like to
know about:
* LONDON BASH - this Saturday from 2pm
there will be beers in London.
http://www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/2511
* AMSTERDAM - what about 2 days of drinking,
walking around the red-light district, and
getting paranoid on super-skunk?
http://www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/2599
* B3TA GAY PRIDE - we've finally arrived
and we have our own GaySoc.
http://www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/2199
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* RAW EGGS GUINNESS - CrispyDolphin writes,
"breaking a raw egg into a pint of Guinness
results in the egg floating on the surface
of the liquid but hidden by the creamy, thick
head, rendering the egg invisible to any
unwitting drinker. Once supped upon, this
protein-enriched pint will cause instant
vomiting due to the slimy shock of the egg
slipping down your throat and the old brain
issuing RED ALERT! EJECT EJECT! signals."
Now, we don't know if this is true but would
love to know for sure. Photograph/video
the resulting reactions.
* NABAZTAG HACKING PRANKS - get one of those
wireless bunnies and hack it to say, "I see
dead people." Leave it in the office and
freak out the cleaners. Video this.
* WHEELCHAIR FUN - turn up at celebrity events
with sitting in a wheelchair and holding
a microphone. Celebs will queue up to talk
to you, thinking of the great PR value.
Visibly shit yourself and say, "sorry. I've
had an accident." Film the reaction.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by delicious, rhcpaul,
cheb, jo-jo the majic clown, goatboy2k,
drunkenoaf.
Top Tippery by "Anthea Turner: Perfect
Housewife". BTW: She doesn't look bad for
45 until you get the close-ups. She's gone
too thin and it's ageing her.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
The man from B4ta. He say yay! (108290 - 34203)
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TOP TIP:
Get cat hair off your sofa by rubbing the fabric
with a rubber glove. (This can also spice up
a dull wank.)
