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This Week
* QUESTION - Best heckles ever (read this)
* COMPO - Strut your stuff for Weebl
* BONUS FEATURE - Fake sex bits

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 223 - 06 Apr 2006

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  Slither movie

  The sleepy town of Wheelsy could be any small
  town in America, but just beneath the surface
  charm, something unnamed and evil has arrived...
  and is growing. Come face-to-face with an
  older-than-time organism intent on absorbing
  and devouring all life on Earth.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Mongs, dancing and soap

  >> Cerebral Dollsy <<
  Ginger Fuhrer Rob Manuel found this toy on
  sale in a market in Holloway and bought it
  to show the world. "It has set me back £1,"
  he said. "I hope it was money well spent."
  What were the doll designers thinking when
  they gave the go-ahead for this?

  >> Weebl's Fancy Dancer Award 2006 <<
  The prestigious Weebl's Stuff dance prize is
  now up for grabs, and Jonti's looking for
  some fancy dance-floor action. The award
  itself looks to be a weighty chunk of
  precious Lucite - a prize indeed! But more
  than that, friends - you'll win the prize
  of self-expression!

  >> Cock soap! <<
  CaroWallis got given one of those 'make a
  novelty soap' kits the other day and wasted
  no time in turning it into a strawberry-scented
  replica of his honourable member - a feat of
  which he is inordinately proud. Kinda NSFW,
  although it is just soap, after all.


  Cum, 'Lip' Sanitary towels & Kiddie pron

  * CUM - word of the day on dictionary.com. Surely
    only picked so that idiots like us would link
    to it. BTW: It's a shoddy dictionary that won't
    list 'cum' as also meaning orgasm-juice.

  * 'LIP' SANITARY TOWELS - "I'm currently on holiday
    in Uruguay", boasts Russell, "and found something
    that amused me. I've uploaded a pic for your
    readers." Blimey. The directness of the approach
    looks more Australian to us.

  * 'LICKABLE' POPSICLES - As for this one, well...
    it's very, very wrong is what it is. Would
    you get away with this if the models were, say,
    in their twenties? So decide for yourself
    whether or not this is actually real...


  Bad office chairs?

  Are your office chairs giving you a bad back?
  Then send your boss this video and point out
  the health and safety issues.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Beard time-lapse <<
  All men at some point wonder "what would I look
  like with a beard?" and all geeks wonder, "I
  wonder if I could use time-lapse photography to
  chart my beard's progress and make a popular web
  page?" Well, we've wondered that, and we've been
  beaten to the punch. BTW: Do any of our younger
  readers want to chart the growth of their own
  pubic hair? Or would this be illegal?

  >> St George's Day holiday campaign <<
  There is a chance the public can make St
  George's Day a public holiday after this year
  - a very slim chance, mind you, as it's one
  of those internet petition things. However, we
  like the idea of getting an extra day off work,
  and killing dragons in the High Street. We'd
  probably need a national drink too (like the
  Irish have Guinness on St Patrick's Day), err..
  the best we can think of is alco-tea.

  >> Mac SE Simulator <<
  A loving re-creation of the early Mac
  experience using Flash. Complete with MacDraw
  and a few games, it's either an autistic
  labour of love or secret brand marketing
  from Apple to remind you, "we've always been
  lovely, you know."

  >> Big ball of paint <<
  Starting with an ordinary baseball, Mike and
  Glenda Carmichael added layers and layers of
  paint. Over 28 years later, they have created
  the world's largest ball of paint. It's
  frightening that there are places where this
  is considered the best tourist attraction.

  >> Best actor biog ever <<
  A check on IMDB shows Ann Sellors only ever
  appeared in one film. But if you saw the film
  then you'll remember her. We wonder why she
  quit - guess she was afraid of getting typecast.


  Road signs and dugongs

  >> Red-neck road signs <<
  Andy Foulds returns to the fold (sorry) with
  another of his slick Flash creations. You get
  to blast the shit out of a series of road signs.
  With a shotgun. That's all there is to it,
  but it's good fun.

  >> Dugong song <<
  We despise the dugong as the shittest of the
  sea mammals. Jonti, however, disagrees. He's
  made this lovely ditty to persuade you too
  of the beauties of the humble sea cow.


  Cockfest, Realdoll doctor & Rasputin's penis

  >> Happy cock day! <<
  This stuff isn't so much a total shock - you
  could say we're old hands at the Japanese
  cock festival scene. But nonetheless, to see
  so much phallic and sexual imagery just treated
  as a normal celebration is bizarre and this
  gallery of photos deserves to be checked out.

  >> Realdoll repairman <<
  Meet 'Doctor Jackson', a bloke who specialises
  in the repair of high-end sex dolls. This
  interview with the reclusive repairman reveals
  that the man has more than a few personal quirks.

  >> Pickled penis of Rasputin <<
  Some Russian museum is claiming to have
  acquired the severed member of the mad monk
  immortalised in song by Boney M. Going by
  this pic, he was a rather large lad.

  It does all seem a little unlikely, however.
  Penis experts reckon Rasputin's knob was
  actually preserved by drying - like a tomato.
  The photo above is more likely of a dead geoduck,
  which is a particularly meaty, burrowing mollusc. 


  The 'real' Firefox

  "Where in blue piss was my weekly dose of cute
  in last week's cocking mail-out?", cusses Elchooper.
  "Luckily for you, I found this on my travels
  trying to calm my aching brian. Isn't it just
  the sweetest tech-cute hybrid you've ever seen?
  Even my blackened heart is softened by that."


  Germans, Actory types & Stop-motion genius

  * ANGRY GERMAN KID - okay, it's old but we were
    just looking at the clip again this afternoon.
    Is he just putting it on? He'd be a brilliant
    actor if he was, but you never know...

  * CHARLIE ACTING CLASS - perhaps this is the
    future of acting auditions. This is what we
    can only describe as a cover version of a
    scene from the 1971 film Charlie & The
    Chocolate Factory. That said, this chap
    is excellent.

  * LIVE-ACTION, STOP-MOTION - A controversially
    arty bit of film. Director Russell Wyner uses
    stop-motion special effects to transcend an
    SFX budget of about 40p and deliver punchy
    visuals with a bonus kung-fu kickfest. So
    good, we punched a baby to even things out.


  School Sports Day
  We wanted to know just how humiliated you'd
  been on sports day. What can we say? We're
  geeks. We wanted to share the pain.

  * The Third Leg
    "Remember the three-legged race? Aged about
    15 I got tied to the best looking girl in the
    year for an inter-school sports day. She gave
    me a jolly stern talking to about tactics and
    technique, and sure enough we crossed the
    finishing line first. She was tremendously
    excited. Unfortunately, so was I. I don't know
    what came over me. It must have been the
    combination of bondage, balmy summer weather,
    her severe but enthusiastic will to win, and
    the electricity generated by our thighs pumping
    together in white-clad wonder. Whatever. My Dad
    still has a picture of me being presented with
    my winner's rosette, huge grin plastered on my
    face, a beautiful girl on my leg and a stonking
    boner to boot. Cheers!" (Boss Killer)
  * The High Jump
    "I was forced into the high-jump competition.
    All well and good thinks I as I can exit the
    competition early on, though I was rather worried
    about the school equipment - the high-jump bar
    was of a rather solid steel construction and
    looked a lot like scaffolding. I run up. I attempt
    the 'scissors' technique that pre-dates the
    fosbury flop. I cock up and execute a rather
    fine flying kick. Bruce Lee himself would have
    been proud as I made contact with the bar, kicking
    it sideways into one of the guys standing beside
    it. He screams in pain. And then screams some
    more as the support pole falls onto his head.
    Never got made to do that again." (bigquack)
  * The Six Million Dollar Man
    "On my first sports day at Primary School, I
    came up with the fantastic tactic of running
    like the fastest man I knew. Unfortunately that
    man was "Steve Austin, Astronaut - A man barely
    alive" or "The Six Million Dollar Man", who ran
    so fast that they had to show him running in
    slow motion. To my five year old mind though,
    I knew if I ran in slow motion I would leave
    everyone standing... I didn't. I came last,
    but I recall I still got a lollipop from a
    sympathetic but smirking teacher." (bedford van)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like your stories to hear about the best
  heckles you've heard. Some great entries so far
  including, "One of the acts was a mime artist.
  He was about 5 minutes into his act when a shout
  came from the back 'for fuck's sake tell a
  joke, I'm blind'" (montyyouterribleCUNT)


  Pants for dogs
  Dogs are stupid, over-eager creatures with
  only the vaguest acquaintance with personal
  hygiene. And, hey, that's part of their charm.
  But not according the good people at Flat-D.
  Oh no, they think you should  dress your pet
  in a fart-reducing thong that will make him
  look like a sumo wrestler with hormonal
  problems. What next, brainiacs - bras for cows?
  Hmm. Actually...


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * KERSAL MASSIVE - ajkalltheway writes, "although
    I don't know the kids in the clip, a friend of
    mine's little brother attends school with them.
    In the rap they talk about the Levenshulme
    "massive" not having shit on them. Well in fact
    they do, as several days after the video was
    posted on the internet, the Levenshulme "crew"
    came down to their school, and showed them
    that in actual fact they do have shit on them,
    and in a most brutal manner."

  * CAPTAIN BIRDSEYE ABANDONED - word reaches us
    that Birdseye is currently casting for the
    new 'face' of their fish fingers product. And
    a young, non-beardy, distinctly non-paedo-captainly
    face at that. Could it be anything to do with
    the link we posted a few months back being
    "representative of how their brand is perceived in
    the market place"? Perhaps, dear readers, perhaps.

  * B3TA BANNED AGAIN - Adam points out that our
    site has recently been blocked by the 'Black
    Spider' web filtering system for "content such
    as tasteless humor, excretory functions
    (vomiting, urinating, or defecating), graphic
    medical or accident scene photos (containing
    blood or wounds), and some extreme forms of
    body modification (cutting, branding, or
    genital piercing)." Which all feels both kinda
    cool and a little unfair considering that
    we're maybe 98% kittens. Emo kittens possibly.

  * RAW EGG / GUINNESS - Evil Bastardo comments
    "I don't know about raw egg, but mayonnaise
    definitely works. I used to work in a pub,
    and one night we were having pint races with
    a surplus of Guinness. An annoying boyfriend
    of the assistant manager had joined in and
    we decided to stick mayonnaise in one of his
    pints. It worked, and was completely
    undetectable floating below the head. On the
    next race it sent him heading to the bathroom
    to chuck up everywhere." Woo. Nice one.


  B3ta person passes

  Many newspapers and websites have covered the
  untimely passing of Martin Gilks, ex-drummer of
  The Wonder Stuff.

  We're particularly sad about the news, as not
  only was he the drummer in one of our favourite
  bands, he also was part of the extended B3ta
  team, handling our t-shirt sales.

  Many of you readers have bought our shirts,
  personally packaged by the hand that drummed on
  90s classics like Size of a Cow and Dizzy.

  So here's to Martin, with thoughts to his family
  and two children that he leaves behind.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * REAL BRITNEY STATUE - Megan writes, "About the
    Britney birthing statue - she had an elective
    caesarian, she didn't even try to give birth."
    We'd like to see that statue. (Link goes to a
    photoshop of Skeletor cheerfully taking pregnant
    Britters from behind. Woo.)

    carps, "We had one in our office, which we
    left on accidentally. The next morning we found
    we had perfect footage of one of the cleaners
    firstly reading numerous pages from the Guinness
    Book of Records, before then helping himself to
    a few pound coins on the desk. He's not there

  * INTERCOM SABOTAGE - Andyphillpott continues,
    "reverse intercom use - bloody marvellous. Pick
    up the internal handset on any intercom and it
    connects you to the front door. We do it
    frequently at our office as people walk by and
    watch them shit themselves. Phrases such as
    "I have seen you, and you have been bad" (in
    a deep God-like voice) get some wonderful

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by Fascists Eat Donuts,
  sisterripple, Gigervamp, tickled_egg, shitkicker,
  Yank Meoff, matt :: the viral factory, iamcal,
  chiptooth, enceladus, Frankie Pigeon and Fido Dido.
  Top Tippery by Andy "Mr. Martin" Martin.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  birthday boy Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Props to b4ta. (108340 - 34192)

  If you're having trouble telling if something
  is made of silk or mercerised cotton, there is
  a sure way to tell. Set it on fire. If it
  stinks of hair, you've burned your fine, silken
  booty. But at least now you know.

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