NEWSLETTER: "FOR FUCK'S SAKE TELL A JOKE, I'M BLIND!"
This Week
* QUESTION - Best heckles ever (read this)
* COMPO - Strut your stuff for Weebl
* BONUS FEATURE - Fake sex bits
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 223 - 06 Apr 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue223/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Slither movie
The sleepy town of Wheelsy could be any small
town in America, but just beneath the surface
charm, something unnamed and evil has arrived...
and is growing. Come face-to-face with an
older-than-time organism intent on absorbing
and devouring all life on Earth.
http://snipurl.com/slithermovie
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Mongs, dancing and soap
>> Cerebral Dollsy <<
Ginger Fuhrer Rob Manuel found this toy on
sale in a market in Holloway and bought it
to show the world. "It has set me back £1,"
he said. "I hope it was money well spent."
What were the doll designers thinking when
they gave the go-ahead for this?
http://flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/123767886/
>> Weebl's Fancy Dancer Award 2006 <<
The prestigious Weebl's Stuff dance prize is
now up for grabs, and Jonti's looking for
some fancy dance-floor action. The award
itself looks to be a weighty chunk of
precious Lucite - a prize indeed! But more
than that, friends - you'll win the prize
of self-expression!
http://snipurl.com/fancydancingcomp
>> Cock soap! <<
CaroWallis got given one of those 'make a
novelty soap' kits the other day and wasted
no time in turning it into a strawberry-scented
replica of his honourable member - a feat of
which he is inordinately proud. Kinda NSFW,
although it is just soap, after all.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/carowallis1/sets/7205...
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: FILTHY MARKETING
Cum, 'Lip' Sanitary towels & Kiddie pron
* CUM - word of the day on dictionary.com. Surely
only picked so that idiots like us would link
to it. BTW: It's a shoddy dictionary that won't
list 'cum' as also meaning orgasm-juice.
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/archi...
* 'LIP' SANITARY TOWELS - "I'm currently on holiday
in Uruguay", boasts Russell, "and found something
that amused me. I've uploaded a pic for your
readers." Blimey. The directness of the approach
looks more Australian to us.
http://img162.imageshack.us/my.php
* 'LICKABLE' POPSICLES - As for this one, well...
it's very, very wrong is what it is. Would
you get away with this if the models were, say,
in their twenties? So decide for yourself
whether or not this is actually real...
http://snipurl.com/lickable
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: SPONSORED LINK
Bad office chairs?
Are your office chairs giving you a bad back?
Then send your boss this video and point out
the health and safety issues.
http://snipurl.com/officechairsvideo
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Beard time-lapse <<
All men at some point wonder "what would I look
like with a beard?" and all geeks wonder, "I
wonder if I could use time-lapse photography to
chart my beard's progress and make a popular web
page?" Well, we've wondered that, and we've been
beaten to the punch. BTW: Do any of our younger
readers want to chart the growth of their own
pubic hair? Or would this be illegal?
http://www.nowstartabeard.com/index.htm
>> St George's Day holiday campaign <<
There is a chance the public can make St
George's Day a public holiday after this year
- a very slim chance, mind you, as it's one
of those internet petition things. However, we
like the idea of getting an extra day off work,
and killing dragons in the High Street. We'd
probably need a national drink too (like the
Irish have Guinness on St Patrick's Day), err..
the best we can think of is alco-tea.
http://www.stgeorgesday.com/voting.asp
>> Mac SE Simulator <<
A loving re-creation of the early Mac
experience using Flash. Complete with MacDraw
and a few games, it's either an autistic
labour of love or secret brand marketing
from Apple to remind you, "we've always been
lovely, you know."
http://www.myoldmac.net/webse-e-flash.htm
>> Big ball of paint <<
Starting with an ordinary baseball, Mike and
Glenda Carmichael added layers and layers of
paint. Over 28 years later, they have created
the world's largest ball of paint. It's
frightening that there are places where this
is considered the best tourist attraction.
http://ballofpaint.freehosting.net/index.html
>> Best actor biog ever <<
A check on IMDB shows Ann Sellors only ever
appeared in one film. But if you saw the film
then you'll remember her. We wonder why she
quit - guess she was afraid of getting typecast.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1856457/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Road signs and dugongs
>> Red-neck road signs <<
Andy Foulds returns to the fold (sorry) with
another of his slick Flash creations. You get
to blast the shit out of a series of road signs.
With a shotgun. That's all there is to it,
but it's good fun.
http://snipurl.com/redneckroadsigns
>> Dugong song <<
We despise the dugong as the shittest of the
sea mammals. Jonti, however, disagrees. He's
made this lovely ditty to persuade you too
of the beauties of the humble sea cow.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/dugong/
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: FAKE SEX BITS
Cockfest, Realdoll doctor & Rasputin's penis
>> Happy cock day! <<
This stuff isn't so much a total shock - you
could say we're old hands at the Japanese
cock festival scene. But nonetheless, to see
so much phallic and sexual imagery just treated
as a normal celebration is bizarre and this
gallery of photos deserves to be checked out.
http://snipurl.com/penisparade
>> Realdoll repairman <<
Meet 'Doctor Jackson', a bloke who specialises
in the repair of high-end sex dolls. This
interview with the reclusive repairman reveals
that the man has more than a few personal quirks.
http://www.newsreview.com/sacramento/Content
>> Pickled penis of Rasputin <<
Some Russian museum is claiming to have
acquired the severed member of the mad monk
immortalised in song by Boney M. Going by
this pic, he was a rather large lad.
http://www.sixdifferentways.com/archives/007154.ht...
It does all seem a little unlikely, however.
Penis experts reckon Rasputin's knob was
actually preserved by drying - like a tomato.
The photo above is more likely of a dead geoduck,
which is a particularly meaty, burrowing mollusc.
http://www.cses.washington.edu/cig/figures/Geoduck...
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
The 'real' Firefox
"Where in blue piss was my weekly dose of cute
in last week's cocking mail-out?", cusses Elchooper.
"Luckily for you, I found this on my travels
trying to calm my aching brian. Isn't it just
the sweetest tech-cute hybrid you've ever seen?
Even my blackened heart is softened by that."
http://media.disloyal.org/Pictures/681_the_real_fi...
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: VIDEO SCMHIDEO
Germans, Actory types & Stop-motion genius
* ANGRY GERMAN KID - okay, it's old but we were
just looking at the clip again this afternoon.
Is he just putting it on? He'd be a brilliant
actor if he was, but you never know...
http://snipurl.com/angrygermankid
* CHARLIE ACTING CLASS - perhaps this is the
future of acting auditions. This is what we
can only describe as a cover version of a
scene from the 1971 film Charlie & The
Chocolate Factory. That said, this chap
is excellent.
http://youtube.com/watch
* LIVE-ACTION, STOP-MOTION - A controversially
arty bit of film. Director Russell Wyner uses
stop-motion special effects to transcend an
SFX budget of about 40p and deliver punchy
visuals with a bonus kung-fu kickfest. So
good, we punched a baby to even things out.
http://video.google.com/videoplay
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
School Sports Day
We wanted to know just how humiliated you'd
been on sports day. What can we say? We're
geeks. We wanted to share the pain.
http://b3ta.com/questions/sportsday/
* The Third Leg
"Remember the three-legged race? Aged about
15 I got tied to the best looking girl in the
year for an inter-school sports day. She gave
me a jolly stern talking to about tactics and
technique, and sure enough we crossed the
finishing line first. She was tremendously
excited. Unfortunately, so was I. I don't know
what came over me. It must have been the
combination of bondage, balmy summer weather,
her severe but enthusiastic will to win, and
the electricity generated by our thighs pumping
together in white-clad wonder. Whatever. My Dad
still has a picture of me being presented with
my winner's rosette, huge grin plastered on my
face, a beautiful girl on my leg and a stonking
boner to boot. Cheers!" (Boss Killer)
* The High Jump
"I was forced into the high-jump competition.
All well and good thinks I as I can exit the
competition early on, though I was rather worried
about the school equipment - the high-jump bar
was of a rather solid steel construction and
looked a lot like scaffolding. I run up. I attempt
the 'scissors' technique that pre-dates the
fosbury flop. I cock up and execute a rather
fine flying kick. Bruce Lee himself would have
been proud as I made contact with the bar, kicking
it sideways into one of the guys standing beside
it. He screams in pain. And then screams some
more as the support pole falls onto his head.
Never got made to do that again." (bigquack)
* The Six Million Dollar Man
"On my first sports day at Primary School, I
came up with the fantastic tactic of running
like the fastest man I knew. Unfortunately that
man was "Steve Austin, Astronaut - A man barely
alive" or "The Six Million Dollar Man", who ran
so fast that they had to show him running in
slow motion. To my five year old mind though,
I knew if I ran in slow motion I would leave
everyone standing... I didn't. I came last,
but I recall I still got a lollipop from a
sympathetic but smirking teacher." (bedford van)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your stories to hear about the best
heckles you've heard. Some great entries so far
including, "One of the acts was a mime artist.
He was about 5 minutes into his act when a shout
came from the back 'for fuck's sake tell a
joke, I'm blind'" (montyyouterribleCUNT)
http://b3ta.com/questions/heckles/
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: SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE:
Pants for dogs
Dogs are stupid, over-eager creatures with
only the vaguest acquaintance with personal
hygiene. And, hey, that's part of their charm.
But not according the good people at Flat-D.
Oh no, they think you should dress your pet
in a fart-reducing thong that will make him
look like a sumo wrestler with hormonal
problems. What next, brainiacs - bras for cows?
Hmm. Actually...
http://www.flat-d.com/thong.html
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* KERSAL MASSIVE - ajkalltheway writes, "although
I don't know the kids in the clip, a friend of
mine's little brother attends school with them.
In the rap they talk about the Levenshulme
"massive" not having shit on them. Well in fact
they do, as several days after the video was
posted on the internet, the Levenshulme "crew"
came down to their school, and showed them
that in actual fact they do have shit on them,
and in a most brutal manner."
* CAPTAIN BIRDSEYE ABANDONED - word reaches us
that Birdseye is currently casting for the
new 'face' of their fish fingers product. And
a young, non-beardy, distinctly non-paedo-captainly
face at that. Could it be anything to do with
the link we posted a few months back being
"representative of how their brand is perceived in
the market place"? Perhaps, dear readers, perhaps.
http://youtube.com/watch
* B3TA BANNED AGAIN - Adam points out that our
site has recently been blocked by the 'Black
Spider' web filtering system for "content such
as tasteless humor, excretory functions
(vomiting, urinating, or defecating), graphic
medical or accident scene photos (containing
blood or wounds), and some extreme forms of
body modification (cutting, branding, or
genital piercing)." Which all feels both kinda
cool and a little unfair considering that
we're maybe 98% kittens. Emo kittens possibly.
* RAW EGG / GUINNESS - Evil Bastardo comments
"I don't know about raw egg, but mayonnaise
definitely works. I used to work in a pub,
and one night we were having pint races with
a surplus of Guinness. An annoying boyfriend
of the assistant manager had joined in and
we decided to stick mayonnaise in one of his
pints. It worked, and was completely
undetectable floating below the head. On the
next race it sent him heading to the bathroom
to chuck up everywhere." Woo. Nice one.
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: MARTIN GILKS OBIT
B3ta person passes
Many newspapers and websites have covered the
untimely passing of Martin Gilks, ex-drummer of
The Wonder Stuff.
We're particularly sad about the news, as not
only was he the drummer in one of our favourite
bands, he also was part of the extended B3ta
team, handling our t-shirt sales.
Many of you readers have bought our shirts,
personally packaged by the hand that drummed on
90s classics like Size of a Cow and Dizzy.
So here's to Martin, with thoughts to his family
and two children that he leaves behind.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* REAL BRITNEY STATUE - Megan writes, "About the
Britney birthing statue - she had an elective
caesarian, she didn't even try to give birth."
We'd like to see that statue. (Link goes to a
photoshop of Skeletor cheerfully taking pregnant
Britters from behind. Woo.)
http://snipurl.com/brittersorshitters
* MOTION-ACTIVATED WEBCAM ABUSE - Andyphillpott
carps, "We had one in our office, which we
left on accidentally. The next morning we found
we had perfect footage of one of the cleaners
firstly reading numerous pages from the Guinness
Book of Records, before then helping himself to
a few pound coins on the desk. He's not there
anymore..."
* INTERCOM SABOTAGE - Andyphillpott continues,
"reverse intercom use - bloody marvellous. Pick
up the internal handset on any intercom and it
connects you to the front door. We do it
frequently at our office as people walk by and
watch them shit themselves. Phrases such as
"I have seen you, and you have been bad" (in
a deep God-like voice) get some wonderful
reactions."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by Fascists Eat Donuts,
sisterripple, Gigervamp, tickled_egg, shitkicker,
Yank Meoff, matt :: the viral factory, iamcal,
chiptooth, enceladus, Frankie Pigeon and Fido Dido.
Top Tippery by Andy "Mr. Martin" Martin.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
birthday boy Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Props to b4ta. (108340 - 34192)
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TOP TIP:
If you're having trouble telling if something
is made of silk or mercerised cotton, there is
a sure way to tell. Set it on fire. If it
stinks of hair, you've burned your fine, silken
booty. But at least now you know.
