NEWSLETTER: WHAT'S ORANGE AND LOOKS GOOD ON A HIPPY?
This Week:
* QUESTION - Mental teenage parties
* PICS - Baby vs Baby
* VIDEO - 12 minutes of Japanese Heath-Robinson
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 224 - 13 Apr 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue224/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Not Safe For Work
Kerb have a new flash game out. This time they
have veered away from plundering old Commodore
64 games to produce this frankly disturbing
version of video strip poker.
http://snipurl.com/p1f0
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Baby vs Baby, Hypnosis and kitten-based security
>> Baby vs. Baby <<
Mrs Ginger Fuhrer writes, "I asked my husband
whether he could fix-it-for-me to have my own
version of Kittenwar but with babies. Being
a loving and kindly Fuhrer he's sorted it out."
So if looking at pictures of babies is your
thing, or if you fancy putting your pride-and-joy
into web battle, you know where to click.
http://www.babyvsbaby.com/
>> Hypnosis trick <<
"I got this guy in Portobello Market to believe
he was David Blaine", mesmerises hypnochimp,
"but without any knowledge of magic." Ha,
what a marvellous idea. We're also jealous
and have a sudden and uncontrollable urge to
learn hypnosis ourselves.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/6257
>> Kitten-based security: Geeks only <<
You know those annoying "type this phrase into
the box" authentication things you get when you
sign up for a website? They're there to stop
spammers abusing nice sites like ours. Podgey22
has come up with a fantastic alternative: get
people to identify kittens. It's actually a
small stroke of genius - a challenge that
machines find hard, people find easy and best
of all, it's kinda fun. BTW: This link has
been all over the web this week before we even
got round to mentioning it.
http://www.thepcspy.com/kittenauthtest
It's also nice to note that The Register
have picked up the story and given b3ta
a small mention, not because it was made
by one of our boarders, but because b3ta
likes kittens.
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/04/12/kittenauth...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Heckles
We wanted the best heckles you'd heard:
http://b3ta.com/questions/heckles/
* More a loud bang than a heckle
"A mate of mine worked for a stage rigging,
company - one of his main jobs was looking
after aerial safety on Gladiators. In between
series he was sent to work at a holiday camp
for Keith Harris. The act was supposed to
start with him on stage talking to an unseen
Orville. The green duck would be whingeing
about not being able to fly and would launch
into the madly annoying 'I wish I could fly'
song which plagued the charts in the 80s. At
the climax Orville would be released from
the back of the auditorium on a wire to 'fly'
over the kids' heads. The job was easy money
but Harris turned out to be a complete and
utter twat who pissed everyone off. My mate
decided to take revenge and one night packed
Orville full of stage explosives and a
detonator. Half way down the wire cue a loud
bang, a shower of green feathers, a room full
of traumatised kids and an apoplectic Harris.
My mate got fired on the spot, but it was so
worth it." (ru55311)
* JFK
"In GCSE history for some reason we had to
watch Kennedy getting shot. I never understood
why, since we were learning about Russia at
the time. Maybe the teacher had the decorators
in or summat and just wanted to see a man die.
Anyway, just as his cranium explodes in a
shower of brain, blood and bone, Chris shouts
in his best South Park voice "Oh my god! They
killed Kennedy" immediately followed by the
entire class shouting "You Bastards!" We never
got to watch videos after that." (Furness)
* Girls Aloud
"It wasn't really a heckle as such, but half
way through their act, a security guard came
on stage and announced, "If anything else is
thrown on the stage, Girls Aloud will stop
playing." A shoe hit him in the face. At least
they kept their promise though." (Ant Marching)
>> This Week's Question <<
Remember your teenage parties? The preparation,
the mounting horror of the event, the endless
gossip of who did what afterwards... tell us
all about it:
http://b3ta.com/questions/teenageparties/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Bunny suicides <<
Most people in the UK will have heard of Bunny
Suicides; it was the Xmas book hit of a couple
of years ago. Frankly, we never bothered reading
it, but some naughty sausage has stuck the
entire book online for free reading. This might
seem like copyright suicide, but we reckon it
might accidentally sell more books. Certainly,
now that we've read it, we rather like it and
would consider buying it as a present if we
were really stuck for ideas. However, we
wonder if the publishers will see it the
same way or take this site down sharpish.
http://people.freenet.de/schnubelken/bunnys/
>> Big people art <<
In B3ta Towers we scream, "Art is shit. Art
must die," but we rather enjoyed Ron
Mueck's work on creating huge giant people.
Apparently he used to work making props and
special effects for films. Which at least
means he's learnt a craft before putting
his ideas to the world. Christ, we're
turning into old cunts, "Tracy Emin, but can
she paint a kitten?"
http://tinyurl.com/fyrgy
>> Kitten bath <<
Fact: Cats hate water. Fact: Wet cats are funny.
Can we do the "can someone wash my pussy, it
fucking stinks" line now? Pleeeeeeeease.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/hyc/sets/720575940977...
>> Shoes for dogs <<
In the endless web fascination for animals
dressed as people, we'd somehow missed the
idea of pups in footwear. Hmmm, what next?
Lemurs in leg-warmers?
http://www.neopaws.com/shoes.html
>> Pervert paradise <<
There's a certain type of user this dating
site is going to attract and we doubt it's who
they wanted. It's a rather strange idea to have
a dating site that exclusively caters
to those looking for a disabled partner. Clearly,
if you're disabled and looking for a date you'd
just register with your bog-standard site. So
this, to us, suggests some kind of prurient
interest in cerebral palsy.
http://www.dating4disabled.com/users/profile.asp
>> Excessively detailed train picture <<
Bert Monroy is a digital artist who slowly
and painstakingly creates extraordinarily
photorealistic scenes exclusively in Photoshop.
But what scenes! Frankly, this, which took 2000
hours and involved 15000 layers, is the most
banal and meaningless display of technical
genius we have seen all year. We fall at your
feet, Bert Monroy, as you obviously aren't even
trying that hard!
http://www.bertmonroy.com/fineart/text/fineart_dam...
>> Creme Egg cake <<
Being fans of odd cookery experiments, we
really enjoyed this guy's attempt to substitute
creme egg for real egg in baking a cake. Very
seasonal, nice write-up, horrid cake.
http://shmivejournal.livejournal.com/125746.html
>> Tiger Woods 'spaz' shame <<
In a story that was pretty widely reported in
the UK, Tiger Woods said that he had played
like a 'spaz'. Cue any number of debates about
political correctness. This is worth reading
through, if only to see people getting
offended at other people being offended by
still more people originally being offended.
Bunch of retards.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/4902432.stm
>> Nice song <<
Nothing much to say here, other than LDN by
Lily Allen is a great little ska tune and
very catchy. "Riding through the city on my
bike all day, cos the filth took away my
licence..."
http://www.myspace.com/lilymusic
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Double fluff spesh
>> Toy kitten <<
Don't think we've linked a toy before, but
we defy you not to smile.
http://www.fadeeva.com/a105.html
>> Baby pandas <<
We've certainly done baby pandas before,
but look! There is so many of them!
http://snipurl.com/p4wq
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Youtube / Google vids etc etc etc
>> Coke jet pack <<
Who hasn't wondered whether 40 shaken-up soda
bottles could produce enough lift to propel
a man into through the air? Next week we bring
you a small child lifted by 100 helium balloons...
http://snipurl.com/jetpack
>> Who wants to be a millionaire? <<
Bloke gets onto the TV show and gets the first
question wrong, hence winning sod all. However,
our cynical minds wonder whether he planned it
that way, as surely there's commercial
opportunities in being famous for making
the wrong decision. Virtually any brand would
do, "Should have gone to SpecSavers" etc.
http://snipurl.com/millionmillion
>> 12 minutes of Japanese Heath-Robinson <<
Remember The Great Egg Race where some old moon
faced boffin got punters to make impossible
machines from Meccano and string? It's back,
it's got a great sound track and it kicks
that Honda video into a shitty hat.
http://www.pistolwimp.com/media/44210/
>> NSFW: Sword fighting <<
'Sword fighting' is the practise of young
men using their penis's as bayonets flapping
them against the others member. Frankly this
isn't swordsmanship to the Olympic standard,
but words cant describe how fitting the music
is. Joyful. But also clearly gay porn.
http://clankolera.clan.pro/
>> NSFW: 'Gourd' cock<<
Want to know what happens if you inject
silicone into your penis regularly for six
years? This man has done it and the results
are eye-popping. Apparently a clip from a recent
Channel 4 documentary - ain't the web great -
sod the rest of the show, this is the bit people
need to see.
http://www.flurl.com/item/De_Perfecte_Penis_u_1061...
>> Magic book paintings <<
'Fore-edge painting' is the almost forgotten art
of painting on the edges of pages to create an
image that can only be seen when you skew the
book. Beautiful idea and we'd love to see a
renaissance of it in publishing.
http://www.foredgefrost.co.uk/video2.htm
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: HATE MAIL CORNER
* STEPHEN LAWRENCE - "Oh my god, Your website
is so offensive" trills Mandeeeeep, "I can
not believe my eyes when I saw "stab Stephan
Lawrence..." I will never visit your website
ever again. I also will urge all my friends
never to come back. I am so disgusted. I
eagerly await your response." Our response:
we've got some rum types on our messageboard
that enjoy offending people.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5827946
* KIDDYPRON - "your kids selling sweets in
pink leotards overstepped the mark", carps
[email protected] "You're going to get in
trouble showing that stuff, spoof or no
spoof. I'm leaving B3ta." Our response:
Bye then. Actually, this story is kinda
interesting because the did get another
website into trouble:
http://snipurl.com/pronpronpron
* LADY APOLOGY - verity_halliday moans,
"CaroWallis is a girl as any fule kno.
Good grief, she's been to enough bashes
and there is information on her Flickr
profile and everything! *despairs*"
Um, sorry CaroWallis that we thought you
were a man. We are blind-lady-man-fools.
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: HUMAN ZOO
When body-building goes bad...
We've already done the penis link where the
bloke injects himself with silicon, so what
about a man who injected his biceps with oil?
Mind boggling.
http://snipurl.com/myzooisyourzoo
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Town Advertising Challenge
Last week we asked you to promote the place
where you live.
Our favourites included:
* NOTTINGHAM - providing a fresh look at
legendary folk-hero Robin Hood. (CongoJoe)
* EASTBOURNE - proof, if anyone needed it, of
the town's enduring popularity with the
elderly. (The Great Architect)
* LONDON - bonus points for excessive use
of visual innuendo. (friendlyfire)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/tourism/
Two weeks ago we wanted details of the most
inappropriate charity events you'd like to
sponsor.
Our favourites included:
* ECZEMA SCRATCHCARD - genius: raise money
for skin complaints and win a fiver.
(Dixon Bawls)
* 9/11 BASE JUMP - what better way to raise
funds for the victims of terrorism than
by jumping out of a tall building? (frshhh)
* LEST WE FORGET - marking Remembrance Day
with an Alzheimer's fundraiser. (Beau Bo
d'Or)
See all the entries:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/charity/
>> New challenge: Web 2.0 <<
Web 2.0 is the current geek buzzword. It's all
about Flickr and del.icio.us, Ajax, tagging,
community, and applications that never come
out of beta. What strange and useful products
will Web 2.0 throw up? Show us...
http://b3ta.com/challenge/web2point0/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We'd like you to suggest a challenge, and
vote on the ideas suggested by others. Do it now.
http://b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GOOGLE EARTH ADS - a few weeks ago we
wondered about when companies would start
making really massive ads that can be seen
on satellite imagery. Well, the answer is
'now' and the company is, er, Maxim. Cheers
MSPaintGuru for the link:
http://snipurl.com/googlemyass
* B3TA BANNED (AGAIN) - Last week we were
tickled by the news that b3ta is blocked by
the Black Spider web filtering system for a
whole host of naught reasons. "Thought you
might like to know you're also blocked by
Websense," gloats philstaite, "But under the
slightly more appropriate category of
'Useless'." Bah.
* COWS WITH BRAS - Last week we mocked something
as being as ridiculous as a bra for cows.
Roddy piped up with, "They do exist. I've seen
photographic evidence. A mate of mine from
high school went on holiday to Norway and took
pics. Their udders were so big as to necessitate
support to prevent them from trailing on the
ground. As far as I recall, the bra was similar
to a hairnet in construction." Proof, dammit!
We want pictures!
* PRACTICAL JOKES - "I don't know about the
reverse intercom abuse mentioned in the
newsletter but I did get a good reaction to
a different jape," gloats Afinkawan "One of
my best friends (I'll call him Mike because
that's his name) was sharing a flat with
three other guys. One day I posted an
anonymous note through their door, made
from letters I'd cut out of the newspaper.
It said something like, 'The police are
watching you, act normal.' Apparently,
Mike arrived home to find his flatmates
in a mad paranoid panic, not knowing what
was going on or who they could trust and
having flushed their stash down the toilet.
Must try that again one day." Hehehe -
tho you do scare us a little.
* WORLD'S LARGEST PAINT BALL - "I just wanted
to say thanks for mentioning the world's
largest paint ball," beams jkbrooks85, "It's
not every day that my original hometown of
Alexandria, IN (population 3,600) gets
mentioned outside city limits. And yes,
it is a tourist attraction and has been
featured on several television
shows and news broadcasts."
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: FRIDAY GAME
Planarity
Arrange the lines so that none of the vertices
overlap. Simple for the first couple of levels,
then fiendishly difficult and worth a fairly
lengthy perusal.
http://www.planarity.net/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Three minute pilot TV shows we'd really like
to make include:
* HYPNOLEBRITY - take punters and hypnotise
them into thinking they're Paris Hilton and
send them off to Brixton to buy cocaine.
* LORRY DRIVER REGRESSION - take gruff
working-class blokes and regress them to
past lives as sexy Victorian chamber-maids.
* BABY vs. BABY - run our new website as one of
those quizmania type shows. Punters phone
in baby photos and talk to a mumsy Anne
Diamond figure about their kids. At home
you SMS your prediction for the baby that'll
win the battle. The prize pot gets split
between the station, the winning photographer
and correct prediction. We probably should
pitch this to Sky rather writing it here,
but fuck it, ideas are cheap.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by pluke, emmathegirl,
elphantasmo, sinisterduck, j0hncarter,
ablufia, Wor, Kev, jaypeabey, Confused, would we?
Rich (Mr_B) and "Gene Pitney’s manager has
today denied rumours that it will take 3
weeks to make his coffin from oak - it will
in fact take 24 hours from balsa."
Top Tippery by Davey
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
*** Answer to joke: Fire ***
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Props to b4ta. (108392 - 35777)
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TOP TIP:
You can make a microwave smell lovely and
fresh by putting half a lemon in to cook for
half a minute. Of course, if you don't enjoy
the smell of lemons, you could always try
the same trick with something else. Shoe-polish,
for example. Or lard.
