NEWSLETTER: "YOU ARE OUR FAVOURITE READER. GIVE YOURSELF A PAT ON THE BACK"
This Week:
* VID - Explosions without guns
* QUESTION - Intense friendships (read it!)
* PROTEST - The web unites against twats
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 240 - 04 AUG 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue240/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: VIRGIN MONEY
Sponsored link
If you've ever wondered what would happen if
you responded to one of those dodgy p3n1s
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Don't over extend yourself, it could be
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Guns, Heads, Lighters and Wooyays
>> No props sci-fi <<
"My brother and I made this film," confides
Mechalex. "We wanted to dump all the boring
stuff like props, sets, costumes and dialogue
in favour of shooting things, blowing stuff up
and robots." Starts slow, excellent when it
kicks off. The bloke in a hoody pretending to
be robotic is the funniest thing we've seen
this week.
http://www.diecastfilms.co.uk/
>> Joel's inflating head <<
Get a few beers in him and Joel's always ready
to wow the room with his party piece of
swelling the hollow part of his forehead with
air. He promised to catch the trick on video
for us and here it is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Inadvisable lighter trick <<
"Having read in your worthy missive that
disposing of batteries by fire is not very
impressive," writes Tony Blews, "We decided
(instead) to cast our communal lighter unto
the flames. And film it." Yup, that looks more
impressive. But don't blame us, Tony. You were
clearly drunk and reckless.
http://www.tonyblews.co.uk/b3ta/light-my-fire.wmv
>> Buy wooyay.com <<
History lesson: woo and yay were catchphrases
Rob and Joel used to bandy about back in
student days in nineties Leeds. The b3ta
boarders picked up on it and turned it into a
global phenomenon. Oh yes. Now you can own a
little piece of web history in the form of
wooyay.com, thanks to generous Mark Holland.
And the proceeds all go to charidee, so
whyever not?
http://snipurl.com/wooyayebayauction
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Intense Friendships
We asked you about the really scary
friendships that you probably had as a kid,
that you thought would last forever but
descended into madness, hate and recrimination:
http://b3ta.com/questions/intensefriendships/
We think Golddust said it all with, "I'm a
programmer: intense friendship is anyone who
talks to me", but here are three that made us
laugh (and had rude bits in):
* A bit too close for comfort
"Coupla years ago I had a super intense
friendship. I'm female and straight, he's
male and gay. He was really into cybersex
and always used to go on about what fun it
was and how I should have a go. I'll try
anything once, so M and I created a male
persona for me and I went online. He sat
behind me as I got chatting to a guy who got
frisky and I got a bit weirded out by the
whole thing (well, I found it strange
answering questions about my fictional
penis. maybe I'm just a bit prim). Anyway, I
really was getting uncomfy with the whole
idea, and turned round to ask M what I
should do. Only to realise that M was
happily fwapping away. Eek." (biscuitbiscuit)
* Becky
"When I was 3 years old and at playschool, I
was best friends with the teacher's daughter
who was in the same class. We played
together & shared secrets & the days were
always sunny & we had jelly & ice cream and
said we would live happily ever after in our
gingerbread house. On a playschool trip to
the local church we walked arm in arm down
the aisle & had a pretend wedding. Soon
afterwards I went on to the local primary,
she went to a posh public school & I never
saw my beloved again. Now what I want to
know is whether this is legally binding 26
years later? Because I heard she's a doctor
now & the little ginger girl I 'married' is
now a stunning redhead. So, how about it
Becky? Let's consummate this thing we
started, let's pick up where we left off. If
not, how about a sympathy shag? C'mon bitch
I haven't got any in ages, and you owe me
big time, leaving me in this shitty little
village to rot...or are you too good for me
now, little miss big-shot doctor? ...whore,
at least send me some revealing
photos...anything...bitch... Sorry. It's my
problem and I'm dealing with it." (Colonel
Dracula)
* Too much info...
"I once developed a friendship with a girl
at work; we used to occasionally have lunch
together or chats over the watercooler, very
pleasant but would often end up with her
telling me about what she 'did' with her
boyfriend. Of course anyone talking about
sex is interesting but her confessions got
more and more extreme until she told me
that, whilst they were engaged in anal sex,
she'd suggested to him that he might like to
watch her having sex with me. He'd agreed.
Now this may seem like a good thing but: she
was an absolute munter and he was a vicious
bastard who had been done for beating some
poor lad to a pulp. I panicked with the fear
of having to decline and invented a
relationship with another girl that worked
with us. All was fine until two weeks later
when my 'imaginary girlfriend' approached
me, fuming, to find out why she'd been
invited to go for a foursome with psycho
couple as my partner. Luckily I got fired a
few days later." (DrTugnut)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your encounters with royalty. Been
snubbed by a King or Queen? Felt up a
Princess? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/encounterswithroyalty/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Web of doom <<
John Wyndham once wrote a book called 'Web'
about what would happen if spiders went mental
and decided to take over the planet.
Thankfully the triffid-rapist was wrong, it's
caterpillars that we need to worry about.
http://user.it.uu.se/~svens/larverna/normal.html
>> Is Garfield dead? <<
In Halloween 1989 the much hated Garfield
comic told a very strange story. We're almost
chilled.
http://garfieldisdead.ytmnd.com/
>> Sue Lawley <<
That the Police song 'So Lonely' sounds like
celebrity witch Sue Lawley is possibly the
most famous misheard lyric in the world. That
it's taken so long for some cunt to turn into
a silly little web-loop is more of the mystery
here.
http://suelawley.ytmnd.com/
>> Orthodox Jew sheet fucking <<
Years ago chatting to a Jewish friend the
subject of Orthodox Jews having sex through
sheets came up. They completely convinced us
that it was true, but we're now pleased to learn
that it's just an urban myth. Hooray for
professional spoilsports Snopes.
http://www.snopes.com/religion/sheet.htm
>> Tampon earrings <<
Are you a lady art student? Do you have
'issues'? Get yourself some tampon earrings. Or
read a self-help book on self-esteem.
http://www.tamponcrafts.com/heart.html
>> We are the web <<
Remember all those old internet weirdos who
became popular? Peter Pan, Tron Guy and that
mad bird in the sweaters? Well, they've teamed
up to fight big business ruining the interweb
for everyone. We support them, and so does
Joel Veitch who has given them permission to
use his kittens and spongmonkeys in a brief
cameo towards the end of their video. (Click
"watch the video." Gah fucking flash
interfaces.)
http://www.wearetheweb.org/
>> Wal-Mart disses Wal-Mart <<
Asda (part of Wal-Mart) is stocking a DVD
described on their own site as "Featuring
interviews with current and former employees
as well as owners of small businesses deeply
affected by the expansion of Wal-Mart, this
expose of what can be only be described as a
corporate monster in fascinating and
terrifying in equal measure." We've screen
grabbed it assuming that they'll be re-writing
this soon enough.
http://www.b3tards.com/uploads/walmartcorporatemon...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Insert wry comment about YouTube here
>> Windows voice 'recognition' <<
Witness the embarrassment when product
demonstration plans go awry. In this case
Windows Vista demonstrates a rather, ah,
idiosyncratic understanding of the English
language. Imagine the fun of using this to
write a thank-you letter to your granny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Darth Vader is so immature! <<
There's a lot of Star Wars stuff around at the
moment, but this still brought a smile to our
jaded, rabbinical lips. Clever edit of the Dark
Lord of the Sith playing with the open/close
switch on his pod-thing to piss off Julian
Glover. Puerile fun.
b3ta.com/links/Another_Darth_Vader_Parody
>> Perverted pirate TV <<
Maybe it's just us, but there seems to be a
decidedly unsavoury undercurrent to this kids'
show pirate skit. Maybe it's just that filthy
laugh and singing about boxes. Of course, it's
also unbelievable awful, so check it out for
that too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Treadmill dancing <<
Don't get us wrong - OK Go are a pretty good
band. But we like them for the funny dancing.
Here they put on an excellent show with eight
exercise treadmills. It made us want to try
that out down the gym. Well, almost.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Tired kitten <<
Cute little kitten Baltasar has had a busy day
and is about to fall asleep where he sits. No
wonder he's so tired - the little fucker's
popped up in our inbox about eleventy hundred
times this week. Aww, but he's so sweet.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Chilli powder to our newslettery anus
* TV RAPE - katdogfish blurts, "Last week on
holiday in Tenerife we popped on the TV for
some continental quizshow entertainment.
Imagine our horror when on the Spanish version
of Deal or no Deal, one of the options in the
boxes was rape - how harsh is that?"
http://www.b3tards.com/uploads/tvrape.jpg
* MRS VICKY RUFF-COCK - why it always
councillors that have the silliest names?
(thanks lordmanley)
http://www.newtown.org.uk/news.php
* KISS MY KIDS - cookie_david confesses, "I
found this shop in Hong Kong." Blimey. It's an
offer no man could refuse.
http://www.b3tards.com/uploads/kiddiestd9.jpg
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: READER'S QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
Look mum! A new section!
>> Gluing laptop feet <<
Last week had a bloke wanted to fix the rubber
feet on his laptop. dark_side500 replied,
"Contact adhesives are crappy when it comes to
plastics and heat, it becomes brittle. So in
response to Jamie526's request for glue for
her/his laptops rubber feet, use double sided
sticking tape as the adhesive used on the tape
is similar to the glue used on the feet in the
first place.
"However the surface of both the laptop and
the foot/feet should be clean, dry and
reasonably level before attempting to stick
them together.
"Finally the laptop should be put under
pressure for a few hours to ensure a true
contact (a couple of large books, preferably a
few copies of the Argos catalogue do nicely)."
>> Four by fours? <<
This week Jaffa The Cake wants to know, "Why
are 4x4 cars called that? Everyone's first
answer is 'Well, it's 4 wheel drive'. Yeah,
but 'four-by-four' suggests 16 of something.
Someone must know." Get in touch.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Apple Challenge
Last week we wanted you to show us a world in
which everything was made by Apple. You
responded in your millions...
Your favourites included:
* iQAEDA - Beware the sonic-suicide bombers
with iPods strapped to their waists. (frogdog)
* EAT THIS - Magnificently realised, real-life
iFridge. Apple are missing a trick if they
don't produce this. (gaijintendo)
* iPAINT - Like an Arctic version of the Dulux
catalogue. How much more white can it be? None
more white. (P3te)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/apple/
>> New challenge: Transformers! <<
Transformers have been around for over 20
years, and next year will be the subject of a
major Hollywood blockbuster. But what of the
toys that never made it to market? Show us the
rejects and the ones you'd like to see.
Challenge suggested by SugarSpunSister.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/transformers/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SCOOTER + PLAYGROUND ROUNDABOUT = BAD WOOS,
unsurprisingly this highly dangerous act has
created a teeny moral panic. Even pricking the
ears of Sussex Police and they want to track
down the people involved.
http://snipurl.com/cockcuntbastardcock
* MATCHSTICK ART - we asked for matchstick art
in the last newsletter, and Thomas Scott made
some. As he notes himself, "It's not quite the
design you wanted, and it didn't work
perfectly."
http://www.thomasscott.net/fire/
* HOAXED! We reported on the USB George
Foreman grill noting, "If it wasn't actually
available for sale, you'd think it was a
hoax." As many, many of you pointed out it's a
load of bollocks. The clue is in the URL,
looflirpa is aprilfool backards. Gah.
http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/looflirpa/igrill.sh...
* WIKI FIDDLERS - Alex Morris observes, "Back
in March 2005 you asked for wikipedophile.com.
Well, an enterprising chap called Sam Piper
has registered it. There's not much at the
website, though, just an amusing logo."
* SATELLITE COCKS - madsporkmurderer splurts,
"In response to the comment about satellite
photos of CDCs. Here's one not done with
flowers, but with weed-killer at 50 times the
recommended dosage. In the end it had to be
dug up and re-turfed."
http://snipurl.com/fuckingmorons
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MERINGUE / COLA - Ben demands, "I used to do
a similar thing to Coke and Mentos using
meringue and cola. If you keep your mouth shut
it comes out of your nostrils, and sometimes
enters your lungs. Video please."
* ALPHABET SWEARS - uncleskinny challenges
"Can you make up a rude phrase using all the
letters of the alphabet only once? The best I
can get is 'Fuck my red shitbox pal' using 19
out of 26 - can anyone beat that?"
* ANSWERS - to the 4x4 question and stuff you
want us to ask the readers next week. (It's
like a really slow version of googling it.)
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by essexjan,
Burns1, iridium, Azra3l, afroboy, coRPse,
nealzx6, drdavej, Parrot of doom, Laughing
Boy, Fishcat, Bema Jinn, Darren Rea, rebeckah
the musicjournalist, and lo, the Greebo
Warrior Top Tippery by CMYK Additional linkage
and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke. B4ta is not a typo.
(Big number.)
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TOP TIP:
If you have a manky, smelly, mildewy bath mat
all you have to do to rid it of the musky
smell is to soak it overnight (or two over
nights) in a bucket of water with a cup of
white vinegar added.
