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This Week:
* VID - Explosions without guns
* QUESTION - Intense friendships (read it!)
* PROTEST - The web unites against twats

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 240 - 04 AUG 2006

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  Guns, Heads, Lighters and Wooyays
  >> No props sci-fi <<
  "My brother and I made this film," confides
  Mechalex. "We wanted to dump all the boring
  stuff like props, sets, costumes and dialogue
  in favour of shooting things, blowing stuff up
  and robots." Starts slow, excellent when it
  kicks off. The bloke in a hoody pretending to
  be robotic is the funniest thing we've seen
  this week.

  >> Joel's inflating head <<
  Get a few beers in him and Joel's always ready
  to wow the room with his party piece of
  swelling the hollow part of his forehead with
  air. He promised to catch the trick on video
  for us and here it is.

  >> Inadvisable lighter trick <<
  "Having read in your worthy missive that
  disposing of batteries by fire is not very
  impressive," writes Tony Blews, "We decided
  (instead) to cast our communal lighter unto
  the flames. And film it." Yup, that looks more
  impressive. But don't blame us, Tony. You were
  clearly drunk and reckless.

  >> Buy wooyay.com <<
  History lesson: woo and yay were catchphrases
  Rob and Joel used to bandy about back in
  student days in nineties Leeds. The b3ta
  boarders picked up on it and turned it into a
  global phenomenon. Oh yes. Now you can own a
  little piece of web history in the form of
  wooyay.com, thanks to generous Mark Holland.
  And the proceeds all go to charidee, so
  whyever not?


  Intense Friendships

  We asked you about the really scary
  friendships that you probably had as a kid,
  that you thought would last forever but
  descended into madness, hate and recrimination:

  We think Golddust said it all with, "I'm a
  programmer: intense friendship is anyone who
  talks to me", but here are three that made us
  laugh (and had rude bits in):
  * A bit too close for comfort
    "Coupla years ago I had a super intense
    friendship. I'm female and straight, he's
    male and gay. He was really into cybersex
    and always used to go on about what fun it
    was and how I should have a go. I'll try
    anything once, so M and I created a male
    persona for me and I went online. He sat
    behind me as I got chatting to a guy who got
    frisky and I got a bit weirded out by the
    whole thing (well, I found it strange
    answering questions about my fictional
    penis. maybe I'm just a bit prim). Anyway, I
    really was getting uncomfy with the whole
    idea, and turned round to ask M what I
    should do. Only to realise that M was
    happily fwapping away. Eek." (biscuitbiscuit)
  * Becky
    "When I was 3 years old and at playschool, I
    was best friends with the teacher's daughter
    who was in the same class. We played
    together & shared secrets & the days were
    always sunny & we had jelly & ice cream and
    said we would live happily ever after in our
    gingerbread house. On a playschool trip to
    the local church we walked arm in arm down
    the aisle & had a pretend wedding. Soon
    afterwards I went on to the local primary,
    she went to a posh public school & I never
    saw my beloved again. Now what I want to
    know is whether this is legally binding 26
    years later? Because I heard she's a doctor
    now & the little ginger girl I 'married' is
    now a stunning redhead. So, how about it
    Becky? Let's consummate this thing we
    started, let's pick up where we left off. If
    not, how about a sympathy shag? C'mon bitch
    I haven't got any in ages, and you owe me
    big time, leaving me in this shitty little
    village to rot...or are you too good for me
    now, little miss big-shot doctor? ...whore,
    at least send me some revealing
    photos...anything...bitch... Sorry. It's my
    problem and I'm dealing with it." (Colonel

  * Too much info...
    "I once developed a friendship with a girl
    at work; we used to occasionally have lunch
    together or chats over the watercooler, very
    pleasant but would often end up with her
    telling me about what she 'did' with her
    boyfriend. Of course anyone talking about
    sex is interesting but her confessions got
    more and more extreme until she told me
    that, whilst they were engaged in anal sex,
    she'd suggested to him that he might like to
    watch her having sex with me. He'd agreed.
    Now this may seem like a good thing but: she
    was an absolute munter and he was a vicious
    bastard who had been done for beating some
    poor lad to a pulp. I panicked with the fear
    of having to decline and invented a
    relationship with another girl that worked
    with us. All was fine until two weeks later
    when my 'imaginary girlfriend' approached
    me, fuming, to find out why she'd been
    invited to go for a foursome with psycho
    couple as my partner. Luckily I got fired a
    few days later." (DrTugnut)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like your encounters with royalty. Been
  snubbed by a King or Queen? Felt up a
  Princess? Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Web of doom <<
  John Wyndham once wrote a book called 'Web'
  about what would happen if spiders went mental
  and decided to take over the planet.
  Thankfully the triffid-rapist was wrong, it's
  caterpillars that we need to worry about. 

  >> Is Garfield dead? <<
  In Halloween 1989 the much hated Garfield
  comic told a very strange story. We're almost

  >> Sue Lawley <<
  That the Police song 'So Lonely' sounds like
  celebrity witch Sue Lawley is possibly the
  most famous misheard lyric in the world. That
  it's taken so long for some cunt to turn into
  a silly little web-loop is more of the mystery

  >> Orthodox Jew sheet fucking <<
  Years ago chatting to a Jewish friend the
  subject of Orthodox Jews having sex through
  sheets came up. They completely convinced us
  that it was true, but we're now pleased to learn
  that it's just an urban myth. Hooray for
  professional spoilsports Snopes.

  >> Tampon earrings <<
  Are you a lady art student? Do you have
  'issues'? Get yourself some tampon earrings. Or
  read a self-help book on self-esteem.

  >> We are the web <<
  Remember all those old internet weirdos who
  became popular? Peter Pan, Tron Guy and that
  mad bird in the sweaters? Well, they've teamed
  up to fight big business ruining the interweb
  for everyone. We support them, and so does
  Joel Veitch who has given them permission to
  use his kittens and spongmonkeys in a brief
  cameo towards the end of their video. (Click
  "watch the video." Gah fucking flash

  >> Wal-Mart disses Wal-Mart <<
  Asda (part of Wal-Mart) is stocking a DVD
  described on their own site as "Featuring
  interviews with current and former employees
  as well as owners of small businesses deeply
  affected by the expansion of Wal-Mart, this
  expose of what can be only be described as a
  corporate monster in fascinating and
  terrifying in equal measure." We've screen
  grabbed it assuming that they'll be re-writing
  this soon enough.


  Insert wry comment about YouTube here

  >> Windows voice 'recognition' <<
  Witness the embarrassment when product
  demonstration plans go awry. In this case
  Windows Vista demonstrates a rather, ah,
  idiosyncratic understanding of the English
  language. Imagine the fun of using this to
  write a thank-you letter to your granny.

  >> Darth Vader is so immature! <<
  There's a lot of Star Wars stuff around at the
  moment, but this still brought a smile to our
  jaded, rabbinical lips. Clever edit of the Dark
  Lord of the Sith playing with the open/close
  switch on his pod-thing to piss off Julian
  Glover. Puerile fun.

  >> Perverted pirate TV <<
  Maybe it's just us, but there seems to be a
  decidedly unsavoury undercurrent to this kids'
  show pirate skit. Maybe it's just that filthy
  laugh and singing about boxes. Of course, it's
  also unbelievable awful, so check it out for
  that too.

  >> Treadmill dancing <<
  Don't get us wrong - OK Go are a pretty good
  band. But we like them for the funny dancing.
  Here they put on an excellent show with eight
  exercise treadmills. It made us want to try
  that out down the gym. Well, almost.

  >> Tired kitten <<
  Cute little kitten Baltasar has had a busy day
  and is about to fall asleep where he sits. No
  wonder he's so tired - the little fucker's
  popped up in our inbox about eleventy hundred
  times this week. Aww, but he's so sweet.


  Chilli powder to our newslettery anus

  * TV RAPE - katdogfish blurts, "Last week on
  holiday in Tenerife we popped on the TV for
  some continental quizshow entertainment.
  Imagine our horror when on the Spanish version
  of Deal or no Deal, one of the options in the
  boxes was rape - how harsh is that?"

  * MRS VICKY RUFF-COCK - why it always
  councillors that have the silliest names?
  (thanks lordmanley)

  * KISS MY KIDS - cookie_david confesses, "I
  found this shop in Hong Kong." Blimey. It's an
  offer no man could refuse.


  Look mum! A new section!

  >> Gluing laptop feet << 
  Last week had a bloke wanted to fix the rubber
  feet on his laptop. dark_side500 replied,
  "Contact adhesives are crappy when it comes to
  plastics and heat, it becomes brittle. So in
  response to Jamie526's request for glue for
  her/his laptops rubber feet, use double sided
  sticking tape as the adhesive used on the tape
  is similar to the glue used on the feet in the
  first place.

  "However the surface of both the laptop and
  the foot/feet should be clean, dry and
  reasonably level before attempting to stick
  them together. 

  "Finally the laptop should be put under
  pressure for a few hours to ensure a true
  contact (a couple of large books, preferably a
  few copies of the Argos catalogue do nicely)."

  >> Four by fours? <<
  This week Jaffa The Cake wants to know, "Why
  are 4x4 cars called that? Everyone's first
  answer is 'Well, it's 4 wheel drive'. Yeah,
  but 'four-by-four' suggests 16 of something.
  Someone must know." Get in touch.


  Results from the Apple Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to show us a world in
  which everything was made by Apple. You
  responded in your millions...
  Your favourites included:
  * iQAEDA - Beware the sonic-suicide bombers
  with iPods strapped to their waists. (frogdog)

  * EAT THIS - Magnificently realised, real-life
  iFridge. Apple are missing a trick if they
  don't produce this. (gaijintendo)

  * iPAINT - Like an Arctic version of the Dulux
  catalogue. How much more white can it be? None
  more white. (P3te)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Transformers! <<
  Transformers have been around for over 20
  years, and next year will be the subject of a
  major Hollywood blockbuster. But what of the
  toys that never made it to market? Show us the
  rejects and the ones you'd like to see.
  Challenge suggested by SugarSpunSister.

  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  unsurprisingly this highly dangerous act has
  created a teeny moral panic. Even pricking the
  ears of Sussex Police and they want to track
  down the people involved.

  * MATCHSTICK ART - we asked for matchstick art
  in the last newsletter, and Thomas Scott made
  some. As he notes himself, "It's not quite the
  design you wanted, and it didn't work

  * HOAXED! We reported on the USB George
  Foreman grill noting, "If it wasn't actually
  available for sale, you'd think it was a
  hoax." As many, many of you pointed out it's a
  load of bollocks. The clue is in the URL,
  looflirpa is aprilfool backards. Gah.

  * WIKI FIDDLERS - Alex Morris observes, "Back
  in March 2005 you asked for wikipedophile.com.
  Well, an enterprising chap called Sam Piper
  has registered it. There's not much at the
  website, though, just an amusing logo."

  * SATELLITE COCKS - madsporkmurderer splurts,
  "In response to the comment about satellite
  photos of CDCs. Here's one not done with
  flowers, but with weed-killer at 50 times the
  recommended dosage. In the end it had to be
  dug up and re-turfed."



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MERINGUE / COLA - Ben demands, "I used to do
  a similar thing to Coke and Mentos using
  meringue and cola. If you keep your mouth shut
  it comes out of your nostrils, and sometimes
  enters your lungs. Video please."

  * ALPHABET SWEARS - uncleskinny challenges
  "Can you make up a rude phrase using all the
  letters of the alphabet only once? The best I
  can get is 'Fuck my red shitbox pal' using 19
  out of 26 - can anyone beat that?"
  * ANSWERS - to the 4x4 question and stuff you
  want us to ask the readers next week. (It's
  like a really slow version of googling it.)

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by essexjan,
  Burns1, iridium, Azra3l, afroboy, coRPse,
  nealzx6, drdavej, Parrot of doom, Laughing
  Boy, Fishcat, Bema Jinn, Darren Rea, rebeckah
  the musicjournalist, and lo, the Greebo
  Warrior Top Tippery by CMYK Additional linkage
  and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
  Trinder is QOTW bloke. B4ta is not a typo.
  (Big number.)

  If you have a manky, smelly, mildewy bath mat
  all you have to do to rid it of the musky
  smell is to soak it overnight (or two over
  nights) in a bucket of water with a cup of
  white vinegar added.

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