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This Week:
* GAME - Death to sheeps!
* PHOTOS - B3ta reader infected tonsil pics
* DINNER - Cheese and Pineapple smoothie. YUM

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 260 - 12 Jan 2007

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  Want more money? Respect? Same/opposite sex adoration?

  Visit Chinwag Jobs and get a new job. After
  your behaviour at your Christmas party, you
  know it makes sense.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Need some B3ta love? Then talk to us.


  Loads of stuff - well done you lot!
  >> Sheep death <<
  "I made this", boasts Davebloke, "It's a flash
  version of one of the old Warcraft 3 mods, Tower
  Defence." Bloody hell, this is fun, blowing up
  farm animals and small boys is what we were
  born to do.

  >> Cheese and Pineapple Smoothie <<
  Continuing our long-running theme of
  disgusting food, Sickpuppy writes, "With
  Christmas fast approaching I thought I'd
  create the ultimate non-alcoholic drink. It
  combines the greatest party food with the
  consistency that would put egg-nog to shame. I
  proudly present - A cheese and pineapple
  smoothie." As you can see, we forgot to
  include this link before Xmas, but it's still
  great, so we've shoving it in anyway.

  >> Printing BIG posters <<
  "How do's!" barks Steff Luczyn, "You may
  remember me from such javascript games as
  FingerFandango and PaddlePower (the Pong-type
  effort) and I've been toiling away creating a
  handy little website for those of us that are
  too stingy to buy proper posters for our
  walls." Great stuff, certainly useful to those
  who don't already have this function built-into
  their printer driver.

  >> Most disgusting photos ever? <<
  "I recently had my tonsils out," gargles Phil
  Hiett,"and being the sick little puppy I am, I
  took loads of photos and made them into a
  Photo Diary - tonsil style." Grim. Fascinating
  maybe, but deeply grim.

  >> Make and do - B3ta style << 
  "I've designed a paper model necromancer to
  brighten up windowsills and monitor tops,"
  sniffles Monstrinho do Biscoito, "I'd be
  really happy if this went in the newsletter so
  I can share the joys of necromancy with the
  world and maybe show off my t-shirt designs
  too." Yay, and if any of our members fancy
  making one of these and send us a few
  (amusing) photos, we'll run them next week.

  >> Stephen Hawking sings <<
  "You may remember me from the the singing Tom
  Baker site," reminisces Andy B, "I've also got
  hold of the speech software that Stephen
  Hawking uses and I got another singing site
  on the go." We recommend 'Baby, it's cold
  outside'. It made us giggle, it did.



  Last week we asked for things you'd failed at:

    "In my Spanish oral exam, I had to persuade
    the examiner that she should take her
    mentally-disabled son on an activity
    holiday, because it would be stimulating,
    blah blah. I didn't actually know the proper
    Spanish term for 'mentally disabled'. So I
    tried to mime it instead. Using that
    internationally recognised symbol for
    mongitude, the 'MNNNNNNNNNNNG' face. I got
    an F." (no way hose)
    "Sitting on my bed, feeling unwell, wrapped
    in a towel having just showered. That
    squirmy, gassy feeling hit me and I just
    knew I was going to do a spectacular fart. I
    informed my girlfriend, sitting next to me,
    that something wonderful was about to
    happen. Unfortunately, I'd failed to
    correctly judge the subtle signs in my
    bowelary movements. And promptly shat
    myself. There really is no smell like lumpy
    diarrhoea wrapped in a soggy towel." (The
    Figurative Pineapple)
    "As part of my GCSE Physics course we were
    divided up into groups of 3 or 4, given a
    stack of A4 paper, and told to build a
    bridge that would support the heaviest
    weight. The other students researched types
    of historical bridges, and read about
    tension and support etc. We just did what
    anybody would have done with an exciting
    stack of A4 paper: made paper aeroplanes and
    stupid origami figures. Then we had to make
    a bridge. I was leader, and my great idea
    would be to make the biggest, heaviest log
    of rolled-up paper imaginable using
    absolutely no scientific knowledge. We made
    this giant railway sleeper of a bridge, like
    something a Scotsman would throw in a field.
    Then we decorated it with slogans like
    "SUPER BRIDGE" and "MEGA LOG". The other
    kids in my class had made these intricate
    models of historical bridges. Arches,
    suspension bridges. Rich kids. Their parents
    were probably architects. Anyway, we tested
    each bridge in turn and our team ended up
    being the winner. No other bridge came
    close. So... where's the Failure bit you may
    ask? The girl that I fancied at the time,
    Louise, had made one of the most intricate
    bridges. After the test was complete the
    teacher said something like "you can get rid
    of the bridges now". In hindsight I think he
    meant put them to the side of the class, but
    I had won and felt quite headstrong, and
    wanted to show off to Louise and the rest of
    the class. I picked up MEGA LOG and brought
    it crashing down on her intricate suspension
    bridge, smashing it to papery pieces. We
    were disqualified, and I was given a 2000
    word essay on Ghandi and non-violence to
    write before the next science lesson."

  >> This Week's Question <<
  What do you collect? Do you have it all
  labelled, packaged up and recorded in a
  database? For the love of god, why? Talk to us


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Exploring tunnels <<
  We've linked to urban exploration sites
  before, but this collection of photos of a
  hydroelectric power-plant BEHIND Niagara Falls
  made us very excited in an extreme-beard kind
  of way.

  >> Wiki perverts <<
  "Hello my B3tan Overlords", salutes Beest, "I
  don't know if you've been following the
  current rumpus on the Wikipedia about fair use
  vs public domain images. It's not very
  interesting, but some Wikinazis are deleting
  images unless they're completely public
  domain, and replacing them with ones they've
  made themselves. Admirable perhaps, if you
  give a shit about this sort of thing. 
  However, I think this bloke's gone too far
  with his self-made contribution to the male
  genitalia image collection." Definitely,
  definitely NSFW, but raised quite a few
  giggles in B3ta Towers.

  >> Tree Goats <<
  Some goats like climbing trees. Don't believe
  us? Check the photos. 

  >> Aquarium Madness <<
  You know those tubes that some people fit around
  their houses to give their hamsters a freer range?
  This chappy is doing it with fish. And why not?

  >> Messed-up cats <<
  Some kittens are born with two faces. You've
  probably seen the pictures emailed around the
  web already. But here's a handy compendium of
  them, all in one page. Very useful.


  YouTube has won the internet, hasn't it?

  >> Dick Van Dyke <<
  British readers are only really aware of
  Dyke's dreadful 'cockney' accent on the
  feel-good-mawkfest Mary Poppins. However,
  we're pleased to learn that was more to this
  mans career than his inability to pronounce
  'chimney'. The lad could dance, and oh could
  he dance. Here he's been set to Herbie
  Hancock's The Rockitt. Personally we'd have
  used some Jamiroquai, a reference that should
  be clearer when you watch the clip. Great

  >> Duck engine <<
  Bloke sticks duck quacker on car engine and
  presses the accelerator. Funny noises ensue.

  >> Jaws, as made by kids <<
  Cribbing the author's write up, "The year is
  1978. A team of 12 year olds have decided to
  make a Super8 film of their own based on Jaws.
  And wait till you get a hold of the shark we
  built, it sank after the first scene and
  you'll only see the fin after that." Charming,
  stuff and hangs together remarkable well.


  Mummy, that's not a real prawn is it?

  * MILF - UK TV watchers currently know that
  the best MILF (Mum I'd Like to Fuck) around at
  the moment is Cleo Rocos on Celebrity Big
  Brother. Looks like she's going to get some
  competition from the Moro Liberation Front, a
  "Muslim separatist rebel group located in
  Southern Philippines."

  * ANUS CRAP BOOKING - no, that's Anu
  Scrap-booking of course. Please don't vandalise
  their guest book, there's a good b3ta reader,

  * WEDDING - "I saw this in last Friday's East
  Anglian Daily Times", confesses Chris, "A
  marriage made in heaven?"

  * ROGER D KIDD - "Wotcha legends", barks
  The_Greyhound, "just getting in touch because
  I have a follow up to your follow up on
  head-teacher at secondary school was one such
  instance of nominative determinism. His name?
  Roger D Kidd. He taught at Raines Foundation
  in Bethnal green in the 90's. Even if it isn't
  a perfect example of ND it is bloody funny. I
  didn't know about the other meaning of 'to
  roger' until I took a letter home to my old man
  and he wet himself."


  Results from the Real-life Cartoons Challenge

  Last week we wanted to see cartoon characters
  in real life situations.
  Your favourites included:
  * A&E - who'd be a doctor at the casualty
  department for cartoon injuries? (spacehog)

  * PENNY CRAYON - with a string of ASBOs and a
  penchant for criminal damage (urbane legend)

  * CARTMAN - put our fat friend on the grassy
  knoll. Yep, that's exactly what he'd say

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Join The Army <<
  Let's face it, it's not the most promising
  career in this time of terrorism, insurgency
  and war. So how do we get army recruitment
  levels on the rise again?


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  reader Grrbabs works for Waterstones and tells
  us, "We sold craploads of the joke book in my
  bookshop including a father buying it for his
  nine year old son. My store sold 130 copies,
  and I'm sure this is company confidential
  information, but checking the computers,
  nationally Waterstones have sold 13,249
  We're also selling abroad apparently, Jani
  Kyllonen, writes, "Today I was in Akateeminen
  Kirjakauppa (The Academic Bookstore), which
  might just be the most highly regarded
  bookstore in all of Finland. For some reason I
  decided to check the shelf with humour in
  English and there it was - the Sick Jokes
  book! I am now 10 Euros poorer." Yay, we're as
  happy as a pig eating his own shit. 

  * JOEL / COKE COPYRIGHT THING - There's been
  some pretty fuck-off major developments behind
  the scenes on this. We're sworn to secrecy
  until the lawyers sort it all out, but we hope
  to bring you some good news soon.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  writes, "1. Go to a site like
  freestuffjunction and find as many free
  promotions as you can. 2. Sign up for the
  promotion ensuring to tick any boxes that
  ensure the receiver gets 3rd party mails etc.
  3. Put the correct address but change the name
  to something like "The Postman is a cunt", "My
  favourite rape? Mrs Postie!" or "I've shat on
  the postman's daughter".  Most of these
  systems are automated and the mail will get
  through and more will continue to get through
  as the further marketing subsequently arrives.
  Hopefully, your 'friend' will 'lose' their
  mail forevermore!"

  * GLOBAL WARMING QUERY - kkealy enquires, "I
  have a question about Global Warming.  If you
  take a glass full of ice cubes, fill it to the
  tippy-top with water, and then wait for the
  ice to melt, the water level will fall (go
  ahead, try it). This is because water expands
  when it freezes (hence the burst pipes in your
  attic). So - if the global warming thing
  happens, and the polar ice-caps melt, given
  that 90% of the North Pole is, in fact,
  UNDERwater, won't the sea level /fall/ instead
  of rise....?"

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  EinsteinShrugged, Hamster of Truth,
  Whythebigpaws?, alcattell, alloydog rb_miller
  and frankwied. Top Tippery by Zaphod's Wombat.
  Nobody reads this bit so we'll stick a secret
  message in. "Rat's cocks. Six inches long." 
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. B4ta
  loves you, even the slow ones at the back. (-8)


  If you are repairing something which will need
  to take a lot of pressure (e.g. a rucksack or
  leather shoe) use dental floss. It threads
  onto a needle easily and is virtually
  unbreakable. You can also make it black with
  an indelible marker if you need to.

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