NEWSLETTER: "WHY HAS SHILPA NOT APOLOGISED FOR 9/11?"
This Week:
* RUDE ROUTERS - a sub 'That's Life' feature
* AUSTRALIAN MPS - Our favourite quotes
* WIKIDEATH - You killed 'em, we print 'em
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 261 - 19 Jan 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue261/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Squirrels, banknotes and mobile phone trickery
>> Tufty the squirrel is very naughty <<
"Remember Tufty, the cute road safety squirrel
from years gone by?" demands Dr.A. "I've found
DVD copies of all his harmless exploits - and,
of course, turned them into something
horrible." Yay. Nothing we like better than
seeing our innocent childhood memories
horrible desecrated. Good pay-off too.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tufty_the_Squirrel_is_ve...
>> Bank note notes <<
"When was the last time money made you think?"
was the question occupying the B3ta /talk
boards not so very long ago. Inspired,
acid_kewpie put together a site encouraging
people to write questions on bank notes and
post pictures. Unlike fly posting or handing
out leaflets, banknotes have an inherent value
so chances are your message will be seen by a
load of people over the life-span of the note.
http://de-noted.com
>> 'It's Tricky' vid <<
Wordbomb is clearly pleased with the flicky
opening action of his snazzy mobile phone.
Combine that with a dose of boredom in the
office and epic silliness is bound to ensue.
Clever vid to Run DMC's classic using mostly a
mobile phone and some post-its.
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/386032/its_flicky/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
My Collection
Last week we asked to hear about the
strange things you collect:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/mycollection/
* GENIE IN A BOTTLE
"As a kid, my brother once tried collecting
his farts. He approached the whole business
quite scientifically; for a maladjusted
sinister little bastard. He secreted an old
Nescafe jar into the bathroom and filled it
to the brim with water. Every time he needed
a trumpetation in the bath, he'd submerge
the jar upside down, unscrew the top, push
it next to his fun junction, and let rip.
Once the cloud of goodness was trapped, he'd
re-screw the air-tight lid underwater and
replace the jar on the bathroom shelf.
Voila..." (geegee)
* LEGO TRAUMA
"A while back, one of my friends had a small
collection of rudimentary assembled lego
toys on top of his wardrobe. So, while he
was out of the room getting us a drink I did
the obvious and took them all apart and
feverishly rebuilt them into something
resembling a pixelated cock and balls. I
expected him to at least smile but he turned
round and looked at me as if I'd just
suggested some casual rape fun with his
mother. "What?" I asked. "My lego!" He
squealed with tears in his eyes and I
started to get a little worried. "They were
the first things I ever built! I was three!
My mother kept them for me! They've not been
touched in 16 years!" He finished, now
openly crying. I swallowed hard and then
should have just waited forlornly for the
ground to swallow me up after merrily
destroying his childhood in two minutes of
misguided mirth. Instead I felt my mouth
open and heard myself say, "You don't like
the cock then?" (Gleeballs)
* TUBULAR
I collect records. I spent three years
assembling a collection of Tubular Bells (by
Mike Oldfield). 100 copies of it. I love
having them as a collection, but ideally I'd
like to play them all at the same time.
Anyone out there want to lend me 100 record
decks? I've catalogued them all too. (iivix)
http://www.iivix.com/tubular_bells.html
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like to hear about the weird kid in your
class.
http://b3ta.com/questions/mycollection/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> The one-dollar compound microscope <<
Exactly what you'd expect - step-by-step
instructions on how to make your own
high-quality compound microscope using bits of
old wood and the lenses from disposable
cameras. Nice project - particularly if you
happen to have some very small things you're
keen on getting a good look at.
http://www.funsci.com/fun3_en/ucomp1/ucomp1.htm
>> Dogshit catch bag <<
There really is a good argument to be made for
putting decorative trousers on pets - it's
nasty having to look at their naked arseholes
all day long. Perhaps we should get the TV
fixed. On the other hand, although this
strange contraption means your dog doesn't
leave its crap everywhere, it seems wrong on
so many levels. From the accordian-like poo
bag filling up to the little turdy howdah your
canine chum is supposed to wear. Wrong.
http://www.flabber.nl/archief/017859.php
>> Crazy lady sings to kids <<
Here's a peculiar thing - this woman has
clearly been spending too much time cooped up
at home with her children. She's released an
album of the odd little songs she croons to
her kids about the things they get up to. We
recommend 'The Poo Song' as particularly
typical. Also noteworthy, the plasticine
models she has made of her family.
http://www.singtome.com.au
>> Jade Goody fansite forums <<
The major entertainment story of the week
seems to have come from Celebrity Big Brother,
with chav extraordinaire Jade mining a deep
vein of racism in her spat with Bollywood
actress Shilpa Shetty. As you'd expect, her
fansite's forums make for some mighty fine
reading and it's nigh-impossible to tell the
trolls from Jade's more 'speshul' fans.
Standout quotes: "EYE CUN NOT BALIEVE HOW
JAYLEOUS U ALL R!" and "Why has Shilpa not
apologised for 9/11?" Yup, it's that good.
http://www.jadegoodyonline.com/forums/viewforum.ph...
>> Katie Price and Peter Andre sing! <<
It had to happen, we suppose. Top celebrity
couple Katie Price (glamour model) and Peter
Andre (early 90s pop sensation) have released
an album of their musical stylings. Sadly, you
can't listen online but the many, many, many
customer reviews may give you an idea of what
you're missing.
http://snipurl.com/ho_ho_ho
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like animated gifs, but with sound
>> Australian politics <<
You might remember Midnight Oil, Australian
political rockers, who had in a hit in the UK
'Beds are Burning'. But did you know the lead
singer ended up as an MP down-under? Here's
one of the opposition mocking his dancing and
lyrics in parliament to score a few points.
We're moving to OZ. It looks so much more fun
than the UK.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> The real Borat? <<
Enjoying this song, particularly the mix of
ethnic singing and cheesy autotune (Cher's I
Believe) production. So odd that with the
right promotion this could even be a hit.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xww7o_mohamed-azn...
>> Funny French? <<
Finally, a sign that the French are moving
their humour on from mime and shouting 'le
roast beef' at English people. They've only
gone and made an amusing commercial for a TV
channel. Regardez.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Cooking breaks <<
We once saw a chap called Beardy Man do a
beatbox thing at an event at London's ICA. We
chatted to him afterwards and said, "you've
got to get this stuff out on the web, people
are going to go mad for it." It looks like
Youtube is his new friend and we have a star
in the making. Great stuff.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cooking_breaks
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: AUSTRALIAN MPS
Our favourite quotes
In tribute to our earlier video link, here's a
handful of things Antipodean politicos have
said which amuse us:
BTW: Here's a couple of our favourite quotes
from Australian MPs.
* "I was implying that the Honourable Member
for Wentworth was like a lizard on a rock -
alive, but looking dead."
* "I suppose that the Honourable Gentleman's
hair, like his intellect, will recede into the
darkness."
* "That you Jim? Paul Keating here. Just
because you swallowed a fucking dictionary
when you were about 15 doesn't give you the
right to pour a bucket of shit over the rest
of us."
* And finally in Melbourne a few years back
there was a lot of noise in the media after
one politician accused another of "having a
couple of kangaroos loose in the top paddock".
(Thanks to Mike Trinder for supplying these
quotes via his surprising memory for such
things.)
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Still shit, skip this bit if you like
>> "My school has the best names" <<
Miss Sausage brags, "At my school we've got a
lot of teachers with interesting names,
featuring Miss J Maycock, Mr P Brain, Mr Paul
Dixon (middle initial is M, rumoured to be
My), Mrs A Cocca, Mrs K Cumming and "Mrs L
Tkocz" (try pronouncing it)." Hmm. We wonder
what your teachers are going to make of you
sending this in? We've changed your name to
protect your identity...
http://snipurl.com/leavethemkidsalone
>> Mrs Mendham <<
"Here's one for your nominative determinism",
squeals McCharf, "My old school nurse was
called Mrs Mendham. Apparently she still works
there - under In Case of Illness."
http://snipurl.com/cockmonkeys
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: WIKI-DEATH
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear
A few weeks ago we mentioned the game of
changing famous people's Wikipedia entries and
seeing how long they ask.
We feel a little guilty about this, as
Wikipedia is really great, but sod it, we
asked you to do it anyway.
* "Michael Winner has now been dead for nearly
48 hours. Do I win £5?" (wormwood)
* "Managed to kill off Justin Lee Collins for
6 hours and 24 minutes on Monday, from 12.43
till 19.07. If only it had been permanent!"
(Matt)
* "Hey hey hey, I killed Pat Sharp! It's now
nearly 24 hours later and he's still dead - do
I win?" (painreliever)
* "Will Young - 21 mins, Jade Goody - Still
dead even after subsequent edits, Paul Burrell
- Still dead, Peter André - Still dead, Jordan
(Katie Price) - Still dead Tom Cruise - 1 min
(bastards). I got a bit bored after that."
(chrisduffer)
* And finally, it looks like it reached the
papers, nina_buchan writes, "I was guzzling
tea and leafing through today's (16/01/07)
copy of Metro in the work canteen when
something caught my eye. Lo, a small article
about a distraught Marti Pellow (of Wet Wet
Wet 'fame') fan who had looked up said star on
Wikipedia and discovered to her
knicker-wetting horror that he died last
Friday. Only he didn't really. Can't think how
that happened."
http://lewry.com/media/pellow_death.gif
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: RUDE ROUTERS
Your naughty names for your wireless networks
A few weeks ago we mentioned that the Official
B3ta HQ network is called 'cunt' mainly to
annoy the neighbours, and you've written in in
your droves to tell us the inappropriate
language you're locally broadcasting:
* "My computer detects a network called
'Outrageous Sexy Nuns'" (Odradek)
* "I've got a Bluetooth phone, bored with the
usual "Barry's Fone", decided to get straight
to the point: "Fuck Off". BTW: My wireless is
FuckOffNoseyCunts."
* "For yonks I broadcast "You are gay" until I
moved house and it turned out that next door
actually were. Probably still are for all I
know, I changed it to 'I like you'" (Dermot O
Logical)
* "Netgear? I changed it to Netqueer."
(littlemsbroccoli)
* "I recently came across a network named
tam_is_a_fat_cunt_ask_cliff. Makes a change
from "WRT54g" I guess." (matt)
* "I've also had fun with the SSID for my
wireless router. My favourite so far has been
PASSWORD_SNIFFER." (Grampa)
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Army Recruitment Challenge
Last week we wanted you to come up with
reasons to join the army.
Your favourites included:
* THE GREAT ESCAPE - war? it's just like a
computer game (Hummel)
* PICTURE PUZZLE - probably too testing to
work in real life, but a commendable approach
to recruitment nonetheless (Manic)
* WIN AN iPOD - banks do it to attract young
customers, why not the army? (Count Vanderhoff)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/join_the_army/
>> New challenge: United Kingdom Of France <<
France and Britain held secret talks in the
1950s with a view to becoming a single,
unified nation. How would this barmy scheme
have affected life and popular culture in both
countries?
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/united_kingdom_of_fr...
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
GLOBAL WARMING - we were puzzled as to why
water levels would rise with the melting polar
ice caps as water expands when it freezes.
Syncubus engaged mighty brain and told us "The
ice that is melting is not floating in the
ocean. It is on land-masses and rushing into
the sea." That seems to cover it and we will
be far less perplexed when the waves finally
come lapping up Kentish Town Road.
CILLIT BANG - Woo! "After a long long stream
of issues with licensing and promoting and
that bollocks, Cillit Bang is out this Monday
for definite," beams sonic b3tard Jakazid.
He's speaking, of course, of his dance remix
of the iconic household cleanser ad.
"It's been hilarious seeing fans of 'happy
hardcore' arguing that this track will kill
their 'scene' so I can't wait," he continues.
"Thanks for your support on this. Doubt the
track would be so popular if it weren't for
your hosting and promotion from the beginning."
http://www.cillitbangremix.com/
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: FRIDAY GAME
Rube Goldburger machine
Arrange the pieces of this convoluted machine
so that it delivers a nice burger and shake
for your dinner. Just tough enough to be a bit
of a challenge and very pleasing when you
finally get it right.
http://flowmachine.free.fr/wiiflow/wii4/lunchtime....
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* MANUFACTURE OF USB BOURBONS - HappyToast and
Ironman Tetsuo write, "Ideally I see them as
rubber-coated memory sticks, with the rubber
coating being made of a similar stuff to the
old 1980's smelly rubbers so that the
USBourbons actually smell like Bourbon
biscuits, especially when the warmth of the
connected computer affects them. I've sent
emails out to various memory stick makers and
am anxiously awaiting replies, but the B3ta
newsletter reaches more techno-geeks than I
can on my own..."
http://b3tards.com/u/321d45c74819655268e1/bourbond...
* HARDSHIP FUND CALCULATOR - Sambo writes, "I
am one of those tax-dodging benefit-taking
students that gets money off the government
from something called the 'hardship fund'. My
mate, who works for his money, wanted to know
what percentage of his taxes go towards me. ie.
how much is he contributing to my drinking and
sleeping lifestyle? I would like to know if
anyone has the computer know-how to make a
program that calculates the answers."
* RELIABLE WAY OF GETTING TAX-FREE TOBACCO -
We've been annoying our mates too long with,
"Oh, you're visiting Amsterdam are you? Pick us
up some Amber Leaf."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel
with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
coolchick365, difficultchild, ihardcastle and
Humpty Dumpty Top Tippery by Jack Rarebit
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. W00t
to b4ta. (We normally say about 150,000)
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TOP TIP:
Want to make that classic Hammer Horror
"smoking beaker" effect in your own home, but
can't get dry ice anywhere? Acquire a
soda-stream bottle (the big ones) and put a
marble against the valve stem. Put a
double-layer of tight cloth around the whole
valve area and press the cylinder down hard on
the marble, against a tabletop or suchlike.
The cylinder must be valve-down to do this.
Solid carbon dioxide will accumulate rapidly
in the material and can be forced out in a
lump (carefully, it can give you a nasty
freeze burn). Drop this lump into someone's
drink for that chilly, drifting fog effect. n.b.
- it's not harmful, but don't let them swallow
the dry ice!
