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This Week:
* STUFF - Possibly about kittens
* NONSENSE - Some references to wanking
* BOLLOCKS - Yep, it's the B3ta newsletter

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 263 - 2 Feb 2007

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  Submit your art?

  Whether you play, paint, write, draw, or
  shoot, FREEDM exists to give you the
  opportunity to create and showcase your work –
  and potentially be discovered. The site has
  been launched with exclusive work form London
  artist Orko, take a look at his profile. Can
  you do better?"

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Five-way B3ta peeps link-orgy of sex piss

  >> Jonti cashes out <<
  Mr Weebl has made so much cash out of this
  internet malarky that he's been able to invest
  all his pie-gotten-gains in tech stock. Watch
  this live web-cam of his fat, greedy face
  as his shares rise.

  >> Joel being a twat <<
  Veitch has been playing with some "make the
  lips wobble to audio" software and produced an
  owl singing about jelly. Can't wait to see
  Coke try and rip this one off.

  >> Robot grannies <<
  Remember Mutated Monty? He's the bloke who
  ended up on BBC news for gluing all his odd
  little photoshops together on Youtube. He's
  back, and this time with automaton
  octogenarians, or cyber-oldsters, or even USB
  OAPS. Can't understand a word of the audio,
  but that's not the point.

  >> "It's not just food, it's wankers food"<<
  "Here's a Marks & Sparks spoof I made a few
  days ago," writes Joey, "possibly NSFW, but a
  few people seem to like it." Woo, amused us.
  Could do with a better pay off line though.

  >> Manboobs <<
  "Our Manboobs website is fucking brilliant,"
  blubbers Shilpa Popadum, "so how about sharing
  it with your illustrious readers in your
  newsletter?" Ok, if only because the
  collection of photos made us feel physically


  My first porn

  We wanted to hear all about your first
  experience of porn:

    "At school, one enterprising twelve-year-old
    had cornered the market in supplying porn
    mags to the boys in our year. One such deal
    took place just before the start of the
    English lesson. He presented the buyer with
    a new, unsoiled copy of Razzle just as the
    prudish, female teacher walked in. The kid,
    in a state of nervous panic, did the best
    thing that he could think of: he lobbed the
    offending mag out of the classroom window.
    It was, however, a very windy day. And the
    classroom was on the second floor. The porno
    mag blew back against the window with the
    centrefold presenting a picture of a lass
    with her legs spread apart towards a class
    of 30 12-year-old boys. The winds continued
    to blow and, because the window was so large
    the teacher could not reach to remove the
    magazine, it stayed there for a full twenty
    minutes while we learned about poetry."
    "Got my twelve-year-old hands on some
    premium jazz mags in the morning at school.
    Spent the next three hours imagining all the
    naughtiness inside. At dinnertime was too
    randy to eat and decided to slink off and
    find somewhere to practice my ever improving
    self-love technique. So I decided to go and
    have a wank in the middle of a roundabout
    near my school. I should stress that the
    roundabout was one of those massive ones
    with a ring of bushes and shrubbery and
    other such twatage round the perimeter...
    OK, I was desperate - all the blood was
    rushing from my legs and settling in my
    young rod of power at the though of getting
    stuck into a nearly new copy of Fiesta, so I
    thought "I'll nip over there and be hidden
    by the topiary." After dealing with the
    maniac Northampton dinnertime traffic, I
    found a nice secluded space in the centre,
    spread the mags out in front of me, and
    proceeded to pound my pud like my life
    depended on it. A few minutes later, spent
    and feeling quite pleased with myself, I had
    a bit of a revelation. People at street
    level couldn't see my proclamation of self
    love, but... I looked up and, off to the
    right of me there were about a hundred
    office workers gathered at the windows on
    the third and fourth floors, about five
    people to a window, just sort of... frozen
    there. Each and every face had a look of
    horrified amusement. Personally, I was quite
    happy with my lunchtime performance. But it
    was a pretty long walk zipping the wee fella
    away, gathering up my nudie mags, and
    pretending nothing had happened."
    "I was only young, seven at the most. My mum
    took my five year old brother and I to see
    our Grandparents. We got to their house,
    knocked on the door and waited. Moments
    later my grandfather opens the door and
    invites us in. And there it was, on their
    extremely large television. Paused as a
    highly make-upped lady is having several men
    insert things into her. It scarred me for
    life. The porn was bad enough, but my
    grandparents?! The worst part was, they
    didn't even turn it off - they just left it.
    When my mum hinted to go into the kitchen
    instead they replied, "It's a bit dirty in
    there." (Fluffy elephants)

  Many thanks also to Rachelswipe for letting us
  know that the nuns at her Catholic school
  glued the pages on reproduction in all the
  text books together with "Nun Glue". We
  shudder to think what that is.
  >> This Week's Question <<

  What have you read in other peoples diaries
  and email that you really wish you hadn't?:


  Pjorto vs DJ eFFeX – "I am my music"

  Both men claim to be music, only one can win.
  You have the power to decide who takes the


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> How to prank a telemarketer <<
  Telemarketers - a human plague walking the
  earth? Well, it's not for us to say. This
  chap's found a way to turn their pestering
  calls into a source of innocent amusement.
  Fantastic to see the way he instantly seizes
  control of the conversation and steers it the
  way he wants to go.

  >> Your new wallpaper <<
  Just click the link. Don't bother reading this
  bit - better you be surprised. Go ahead. Oh,
  if you don't like flabby blokes' penises
  tightly wrapped in satsuma netting look away
  from your screen... now! NSFW.

  >> Dumped on live radio <<
  Unbelievably harsh - man gets radio DJ to
  phone up his cheating girlfriend and tell her
  she's dumped, live on air. Takes a little
  while to get going. Stick with it for the full
  schadenfreude hit.

  >> Jeeves alarm clock <<
  It can be pretty hard to get out of bed on
  these cold, wintry mornings. Imagine how much
  easier it would be if Stephen Fry was inside
  your alarm clock. Hmm. Actually that would be
  kind of creepy. But you could do worse than
  start the day with a bit of well-chosen
  flattery, as in this comfortably-priced alarm
  bedside item. 

  >> Fords of the UK <<
  Enthusiasm's a beautiful thing indeed and that
  extends even to this comprehensive guide that
  purports to review "every UK ford, watersplash
  and tidal road". So far we haven't caught him
  missing one out - can you?

  >> Warning: Gay bands <<
  For parents concerned their child may turn out
  gay, a list of pop & rock artists they should
  forbid their child to listen to. Is it real?
  Is it? We think we know but we're not saying.

  >> Whatever happened to Ellen Feiss? <<
  Cast your mind back to 2002 and you'll recall
  Ellen's spot in Apple's 'Switcher' ad
  campaign. She gained a lasting cult following
  from the rumour that she was high on drugs
  while filming. Here's an interview on what
  she's been up to in the intervening years.
  Just looking at that ad again on YouTube - she
  does look really, really stoned.

  >> Big pig sacrifice <<
  Two thousand dead pigs' arses and fireworks
  going off overhead. "You've won the level!"
  Someone's Flickr page of a massive sacrifice
  to General Chao of Wudeh temple in Taiwan. A
  deity uncommonly fond of pork, it seems.

  >> Exciting text-to-speech lady <<
  She will say anything you type. Even filth.
  And you can change her voice to male, female
  or other languages. Sadly, you can only do it
  a limited number of times - ours ran out as we
  were making her act out offensive national
  stereotypes. Bah.

  >> Joan meets the Sasquatch <<
  Joan Ocean, expert on ET/dolphin
  communication, gives an account of her
  enchanting encounters with the mythical furry
  men  of North America. And she gives the
  Sasquatches one of her books about dolphins,
  and they give her a rock in return, plus a
  crudely-written note that says "God bless
  you". We gave up on the third page, your
  mileage may vary. 

  >> Singing in the shower <<
  Nice little sound board where you make some
  naked geezer karaoke along to the radio in the
  shower. What would obviously be better is if
  you could turn on the cold tap making his
  voice into a high-pitched squeal.


  Two cutes is too cute

  >> Let's be friends <<
  "Bloody hell," mouths Rob Wazzock, "I made
  the letsbefriends page for the B3ta newsletter
  a couple of years back and basically forgot
  about it. Just noticed that it's done about a
  gazillion page views and I have loads of
  unread email from people sending in their own
  photos of animal friends. I've suck a few up,
  you might like to have a look."

  >> Kitteny Nintendo DS <<
  "Shitty beggars," yelps Thayer, "I know you
  B3ta flids will go spunk mental for this
  piccy. I did."


  YouTube smells of wee and has sex with dogs

  >> Star Wars with hands <<
  Re-enactment of the rebels' daring space
  assault on the Death Star just using hands,
  gloves and the original soundtrack.

  >> Biff's question song <<
  You'll certainly know Tom Wilson better as
  'Biff' Tannen from the now-legendary Back to
  the Future. In fact, everybody does - and they
  ask him the same questions over and over. So
  to save time he made them into a song.

  >> 'When cats attack" <<
  Great soundtrack accompanies footage of
  household pet on the prowl.

  >> New Apple ads <<
  Not much to say about these commercials for
  shiny, pretty computers - except what
  brilliant casting for the two characters.

  >> Candle retro games <<
  Dedicated nerd brings to life his favourite
  arcade classics via the medium of burning wax.
  Impressive, although could have done with more
  Tetris and less Pac-man.

  >> Psycho wedding haircut <<
  Slow to get going, but when it does - wow!
  Apparently footage of a young woman coming
  home with an appalling haircut an hour before
  she's due to get married. She completely flips
  out as the bridesmaids roll their eyes and
  keep the camera running.


  People's Prayers
  Conjuring up images of some sort of pesticide
  to keep back crowds, this poorly thought-out
  URL. (Thanks Steff)


  Results from the Sex Challenge

  Last week we wanted to you to come up with
  modern visual euphemisms for sex. Oo-er.

  Your favourites included:

  * STAR WARS - Han Solo's troubles with
  premature man-splash, beautifully visualised

  * JORDAN & PETER - Small organ or big
  cathedral? You decide (The Great Architect)

  * MR. ED - The tragic, romantic story of
  everyone's favourite horse and his owner
  Wilbur Post (monkeon)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Revive The Dome <<
  It seems we'll never find a use for the 
  UK's greatest white elephant, the 
  Millennium Dome. Or will we? Fire up 
  photoshop and show us some 
  alternative uses for the damn thing...


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SPACE PENIS - most news sites covered this
  story about a school playing field with a cock
  drawn into the ground. What we enjoyed the
  most was a BBC journalist emailing us and
  asking, "Is this something to do with B3ta?"
  Sadly no, but we're amused that the Beeb would
  immediately assume it's us.

  linda465 writes, "I have just read the
  interview with Philip Howard the preacher, I
  am his ex wife and mother of his four
  children. He gets money from a pension about
  two hundred a week which he never mentioned.
  the child support agency are after him as he
  has never paid a penny for his children and
  for the youngest who is 14 he owes eighteen
  thousand I have the letter to prove it. He is
  breaking the law which makes him a sinner and
  not a winner." We think that is something that
  should have been sent to the SCA rather than

  growls, "Hey, just thought you should know
  that the Wikideaths made it into yesterday's
  (Fri 26th) Daily Mirror in the 3am section.
  They even phoned Marti Pellow for a reaction,
  'I don’t know what that was all about but I’m
  alive and well.'"


  Pong / Balance game

  Fiendishly tricky and yet so basic you kick
  yourself when you fail at it, this is classic
  Friday Game territory. The idea is to keep
  both balls in the air for as long as possible
  - when they fall you get a sarcastic little
  French comment about your level of
  intelligence. Trivia fact: Babelfish gives
  'shitting' as the translation of 'chiant'.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * BURGLERY 2.0 - "I have an idea for a piece
  of software that scans blog entries. It would
  attempt to figure out when the authors are
  away on holiday, then automatically retrieve
  the whois information for that domain. Then,
  every day, you'd be e-mailed a list of
  addresses to burgle." (Idea from The New
  Zealand Ginger)

  * MOUSETURBATION - place your hand on  your
  mouse with your fingers separated over the
  scroll wheel. Looks a bit like a minge. Now
  make a 'waggle game' where you bring a lady to
  climax by rubbing the scroll wheel. (We
  actually once pitched this idea to a
  commercial client who told us to fuck off.)

  * UP HILL GARDENER - a mucky little flash game
  about "turning the sod". Oh stop it, you're
  killing us.
  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Kourosism,
  ska fender, PMGT, Yank Meoff, AndMcC, auawsha,
  richxking, brainburger, mark darby, matt
  smith, steff and kingjay, ska fender, PMGT,
  Yank Meoff, AndMcC, auawsha, richxking,
  brainburger, mark darby, matt smith. You're not
  reading this bit so I'll just write that we're
  both fucking hungover and vodka is the drink of
  idiots. Top Tippery by Jeremy Cunt. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. RAGE to b4ta.
  (Mongsocks 11)


  "When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch
  tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle.
  Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter,
  then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most
  splinters painlessly and easily." And read
  nineteen other tips here:

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