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This Week:
* CHALLENGE - Ben Goldacre, celebrity judge
* WEEBL - DJ Pie Safety
* MUSIC - Nirvana on 45 

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 265 - 23 Feb 2007

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  Hang with Beth Ditto

  59 creative icons have been chosen to exhibit
  their vision of tomorrow by the ICA and Sony
  Ericsson. Just one member of the public will
  join them. Could you be the one?

  For more information visit: 

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Need us? Call the bat-phone.


  We love you b3ta peeps, we do

  >> Drilled beef <<
  A long-term thread in the newsletter is odd
  cooking, and webspect to Goosegog who squawks,
  "Ever keen to experiment in the kitchen, we
  made Drilled Chilli Beef! It's sort of cooking
  and engineering, in one." An odd one this, at
  first it's amusingly disgusting, and then
  finally looks quite edible. Expect to see this
  served in the quirkier restaurants such as Fat
  Duck soon.

  >> Delete Lily Allen on Myspack <<
  "Hi", greets themadthing, "I've made a blog
  to try to get as many people as possible to
  delete Lily Allen on MySpace. Can this please
  please please go in the newsletter?" Of course
  it can, if only because we're sick to death of
  people playing her stupid album in the office
  we're currently lurking in.

  >> DJ Pie Safety <<
  "Do you like my fantastic new dj pie safety
  video?" enquires Weebl, "It's the gayest
  thing ever." Blimey, if you ever wanted to see
  Jonti doing an Ali G impression whilst rapping
  about pies, then get clicky with this.

  >> PC Paedo shocker <<
  "Good news!" blurts Dr.A, "I've found the
  worst birthday card ever. Bad news! It's
  incredibly unpleasant. And I really do mean
  that." Blimey, we know what we want in our box
  next birthday.


  Ripped Off

  Last week we wanted to know if you'd been
  ripped off:

    "Visiting family in Edinburgh as a child, I
    was taken to a large and posh restaurant. My
    mum had made us dress properly... *scowls and
    stamps foot* The adults were talking and
    drinking, my brother and I were bored. He
    hands me a chip and says, "eat it". You'd be
    amazed how painful it is when you chomp on a
    chip placed vertically in your mouth... and
    find that it has a toothpick inserted into it
    along its length. We giggled, and decided to
    put toothpicks in each and every remaining chip
    on the plate. My brother got our dad to eat
    one and, after being bollocked for being
    irresponsible little bastards, we sat in silence
    awaiting pudding. Main course was cleared away,
    and still we waited. Just as the chocolate
    pudding arrived, the respectful silence of
    the posh restaurant was broken by a yelp...
    a scream, and then five seconds later a big
    scary hairy bastard shouting, "WHY IS THERE
    I suspect that was the last time they re-cycled
    food in that restaurant... the cheap-skate
    bastards."(Humpty Dumpty was Pushed)

    "Little, almost pyrrhic victories are the
    best. East Midlands Airport, red eye flight,
    looking for something to set me up for the
    journey, fancied beans on toast. Looked at
    the menu: beans on toast is £2.95. A trifle
    expensive for 1/2 tin catering standard.
    Exploring other options I come across 'extras'
    two pieces of toast 90p, beans 95p, net
    saving £1.10. That'll do nicely. "Beans and
    toast please" (employee makes to slop
    industrial beans on unbuttered toast) "Woah,
    hold on there fella. I want to butter my toast
    first, or your overly sloppy microbean juice
    will impregnate my bread, with soggy effect".
    (Employee growls, looks for bowl, slops
    beans contemptuously into bowl, flings toast
    onto plate) Get to the till... "£2.95"
    "What..why?" "Beans on toast, £2.95" "But
    the beans aren't on the toast, they're in a
    separate bowl, that's beans with toast, and
    that's two extras" "Nope, that's beans on
    toast" "In what way are my beans on my toast?"
    (Queue starting to build).. "Oh, alright,
    £1.85 then." I must get out more... Beating
    the cheeky fucks at their own game is fun
    though." (countryslicker)

    "I once bought a printer from Staples with
    counterfeit £20s. Fake twenties I had printed
    on a printer I had bought there the day
    before. A printer they had sold me. I had got
    home, found to have a dodgy paper feeder,
    and Staples refused to take back. However,
    when I bought the original printer, I noticed
    that they didn't even check the cash given to
    them 'cause I counted it out in front of them.
    The clerk just grabbed the notes and stuck 'em
    in the register. So I decided to be audacious.
    The dodgy printer would still print, so a quick
    scan later, I ran off a bunch of bills on a
    stock of paper that resembled cash. After
    scrunching them up to different degrees and
    writing a phone number on one for extra
    authenticity, I went back to Staples. I took
    the very same kind of printer to the counter.
    I counted out the fake notes and one real one
    on the top (just in case they decided to check
    one) and the cashier just stuffed the whole
    wad into the till without checking any of them.
    And that is the story of how I counter-robbed
    Staples for robbing me." (MarkyH)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like to know when you were last really,
  really scared. Talk to us here:

  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Nirvana on 45 <<
  Older readers will remember the pre-Jivebunny
  act Stars on 45; bastards who took Beatles
  songs and mixed them to a lumpen disco thud.
  Fancy hearing what this format sounds like
  with Nirvana? Amused us briefly anyway. And if
  anyone fancies having a crack at '80s Goth on
  45', we'll be all ears.

  >> African kings <<
  Huzzah for African royalty. Certainly puts the
  sartorial sense of Prince Charles to shame.

  >> Shaved head pron <<
  Last weekend Britney shaved her head and the
  official B3ta wife says, "You know what? I bet
  that's a fetish, and there's fan sites." And
  so we google, "shaved head fetish" and hit the
  motherlode of bald bonce pics. Best of all?
  They've already stuck Britters' stubbly noggin
  in pride of place. NSFW.

  >> Dildo or Tupperware? <<
  The banana case market is really hotting up,
  first we had the hard plastic enclosure of The
  Banana Guard, and now  the Banana Bunker
  brings you a more flexible alternative.
  Ideal for those with wonky fruit.

  >> Millennium Dome <<
  Your Ginger Fuhrer once visited the Millennium
  Dome construction site and found a guest book
  signed by Chumbawumba where they wrote
  something about 'white elephants'. Haven't
  checked it out since, but these night time
  exploration photos are fantastic.

  >> Perplexing photo of the week <<
  "I found this pic," laments Kundalini, "Black
  man with a sign on his chest holding two
  flaming torches and dangling a laptop from his
  cock." We suspect someone might be playing
  games with a Nigerian spammer.

  >> Cat shelves <<
  Got a cat? You need cat shelves. We're
  installing them in B3ta HQ to make Rocky the
  Official B3ta Cat, entertain us with some
  crazy-kitty-tomfoolery before we allow him
  to eat.

  >> Biggest plug hole ever <<
  You know that 'fact' about water swirling in a
  different direction in Australian sinks? It's
  bollocks. However, here's a massive plughole,
  and we wouldn't like to have our bollocks over
  it when someone drains the water out.


  It's like TV made by magic pixies
  >> Blending glowsticks << 
  Ah. Remember 1992? Shoving glow sticks up your
  arse and snorting turtle wax? The crazy kids
  these days are sticking them in blenders and
  then drinking them to make fluorescent cock
  piss. Probably.

  >> Rip Torn goes mental <<
  We've been on a 89 episode Larry Sanders
  marathon in B3ta Towers (thanks torrentspy),
  and the stand-out performance is Artie, as played
  by legendary character actor Rip Torn. Check
  him going proper radio rental in some old
  Norman Mailer flick. Genuinely violent, even

  >> Charlie the Unicorn <<
  We've been hanging out with young people
  recently, in a sad attempt to find out what
  the kids are into. Apparently, as well as
  sticking toothpaste up their urethra and
  posting the animated jpegs on geocities, they
  are watching Charlie the Unicorn. (Can we do
  the old Viz joke about Screwnicorns here?
  Nope. Ok.)

  >> Spice test <<
  When we were young, we'd like nothing better
  than filling dustbins full of air freshener
  and throwing matches into the fumes. This is
  old hat now, the cool kids are swallowing

  >> Gangster kidz <<
  The Wiggles are an antipodean children band,
  that according to our Ozzy friend, earn more
  than the Rolling Stones. Quite why they are
  mixed with some gangster rap, can only be
  because someone thought it was funny. It is,

  >> The difference between men and women <<
  You might think the difference is men have
  cocks and ladies have inverted cocks, but no,
  apparently it's more subtle. It's all about
  how they use the shower.


  Results from the Gillian McKeith Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to photoshop 
  quack nutritionist Gillian McKeith.

  We asked Ben Goodacre, author of the 
  Guardian's esteemed Bad Science column, 
  to judge the entries. Ben writes:
  * LASER TREATMENT - Gratifying to find 
    an appreciation for evidence based 
    medicine on b3ta. Smart crowd. Archie 
    Cochrane would be proud of you.

  * THE BOOK - This is clearly defamatory 
    in suggesting a deliberate attempt to 
    mislead. I'm assuming you're hosted in 
    Antigua. (plentyofants)

  * BOGROLL CERTIFICATE - I'm getting some of
    these printed up.    (plentyofants, again)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  BTW: Ben has asked us to linky his site, and
  seeing as we're nice people, we've said,
  "that's fine by us."

  >> New challenge: Punchlines <<
  It's the simplest image challenge ever: 
  visualise the punchlines to jokes. And 
  that's it. Challenge suggested by 


  Sticky game
  "A game from the same guy who did 'Double
  Wires' that you featured not too long ago,"
  mouths smirt362, "There is a structure and at
  the top of the structure is a star. The goal
  is to remove as many sticks as possible from
  the structure before it collapses and the star
  falls below the line." Get it? Good.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WILL-IT-SHREAD.COM - drop CDs and bacon into
  the office shredder. If ours is anything to go
  by the answer is no.
  * CLAP TRAP - our idea for a TV show. Think
  Blind Date but with STDs. 

  signs into park benches saying slightly odd

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Telly's
  Lorraine Kelly's smelly jelly wellies,
  redazril, kaptinkurtz and Yank Meoff. Top
  Tippery by some cunt with bad aids, sorry
  setimret. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. Jah to b4ta. (665, the neighbour
  of the beast.)


  Apples are the best cure for coffee breath.

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