NEWSLETTER: "DRILLED BEEFS!"
This Week:
* CHALLENGE - Ben Goldacre, celebrity judge
* WEEBL - DJ Pie Safety
* MUSIC - Nirvana on 45
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 265 - 23 Feb 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
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: SPONSORED LINK
Hang with Beth Ditto
59 creative icons have been chosen to exhibit
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Ericsson. Just one member of the public will
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For more information visit:
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http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
We love you b3ta peeps, we do
>> Drilled beef <<
A long-term thread in the newsletter is odd
cooking, and webspect to Goosegog who squawks,
"Ever keen to experiment in the kitchen, we
made Drilled Chilli Beef! It's sort of cooking
and engineering, in one." An odd one this, at
first it's amusingly disgusting, and then
finally looks quite edible. Expect to see this
served in the quirkier restaurants such as Fat
Duck soon.
http://snipurl.com/DrilledChilliBeef
>> Delete Lily Allen on Myspack <<
"Hi", greets themadthing, "I've made a blog
to try to get as many people as possible to
delete Lily Allen on MySpace. Can this please
please please go in the newsletter?" Of course
it can, if only because we're sick to death of
people playing her stupid album in the office
we're currently lurking in.
http://deletelilyallen.blogspot.com
>> DJ Pie Safety <<
"Do you like my fantastic new dj pie safety
video?" enquires Weebl, "It's the gayest
thing ever." Blimey, if you ever wanted to see
Jonti doing an Ali G impression whilst rapping
about pies, then get clicky with this.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/safety/
>> PC Paedo shocker <<
"Good news!" blurts Dr.A, "I've found the
worst birthday card ever. Bad news! It's
incredibly unpleasant. And I really do mean
that." Blimey, we know what we want in our box
next birthday.
http://snipurl.com/1az3v
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Ripped Off
Last week we wanted to know if you'd been
ripped off:
http://b3ta.com/questions/rippedoff/
* TOOTHPICKS
"Visiting family in Edinburgh as a child, I
was taken to a large and posh restaurant. My
mum had made us dress properly... *scowls and
stamps foot* The adults were talking and
drinking, my brother and I were bored. He
hands me a chip and says, "eat it". You'd be
amazed how painful it is when you chomp on a
chip placed vertically in your mouth... and
find that it has a toothpick inserted into it
along its length. We giggled, and decided to
put toothpicks in each and every remaining chip
on the plate. My brother got our dad to eat
one and, after being bollocked for being
irresponsible little bastards, we sat in silence
awaiting pudding. Main course was cleared away,
and still we waited. Just as the chocolate
pudding arrived, the respectful silence of
the posh restaurant was broken by a yelp...
a scream, and then five seconds later a big
scary hairy bastard shouting, "WHY IS THERE
TOOTH-PECKS IN MAH WHIFE'S FUCKING CHEPPS???"
I suspect that was the last time they re-cycled
food in that restaurant... the cheap-skate
bastards."(Humpty Dumpty was Pushed)
* BEANS ON TOAST
"Little, almost pyrrhic victories are the
best. East Midlands Airport, red eye flight,
looking for something to set me up for the
journey, fancied beans on toast. Looked at
the menu: beans on toast is £2.95. A trifle
expensive for 1/2 tin catering standard.
Exploring other options I come across 'extras'
two pieces of toast 90p, beans 95p, net
saving £1.10. That'll do nicely. "Beans and
toast please" (employee makes to slop
industrial beans on unbuttered toast) "Woah,
hold on there fella. I want to butter my toast
first, or your overly sloppy microbean juice
will impregnate my bread, with soggy effect".
(Employee growls, looks for bowl, slops
beans contemptuously into bowl, flings toast
onto plate) Get to the till... "£2.95"
"What..why?" "Beans on toast, £2.95" "But
the beans aren't on the toast, they're in a
separate bowl, that's beans with toast, and
that's two extras" "Nope, that's beans on
toast" "In what way are my beans on my toast?"
(Queue starting to build).. "Oh, alright,
£1.85 then." I must get out more... Beating
the cheeky fucks at their own game is fun
though." (countryslicker)
* FREE PRINTER
"I once bought a printer from Staples with
counterfeit £20s. Fake twenties I had printed
on a printer I had bought there the day
before. A printer they had sold me. I had got
home, found to have a dodgy paper feeder,
and Staples refused to take back. However,
when I bought the original printer, I noticed
that they didn't even check the cash given to
them 'cause I counted it out in front of them.
The clerk just grabbed the notes and stuck 'em
in the register. So I decided to be audacious.
The dodgy printer would still print, so a quick
scan later, I ran off a bunch of bills on a
stock of paper that resembled cash. After
scrunching them up to different degrees and
writing a phone number on one for extra
authenticity, I went back to Staples. I took
the very same kind of printer to the counter.
I counted out the fake notes and one real one
on the top (just in case they decided to check
one) and the cashier just stuffed the whole
wad into the till without checking any of them.
And that is the story of how I counter-robbed
Staples for robbing me." (MarkyH)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like to know when you were last really,
really scared. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/reallyscared/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Nirvana on 45 <<
Older readers will remember the pre-Jivebunny
act Stars on 45; bastards who took Beatles
songs and mixed them to a lumpen disco thud.
Fancy hearing what this format sounds like
with Nirvana? Amused us briefly anyway. And if
anyone fancies having a crack at '80s Goth on
45', we'll be all ears.
http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2007/02/ten_albums_i...
>> African kings <<
Huzzah for African royalty. Certainly puts the
sartorial sense of Prince Charles to shame.
http://neoncobra.blogspot.com/2006/12/african-king...
>> Shaved head pron <<
Last weekend Britney shaved her head and the
official B3ta wife says, "You know what? I bet
that's a fetish, and there's fan sites." And
so we google, "shaved head fetish" and hit the
motherlode of bald bonce pics. Best of all?
They've already stuck Britters' stubbly noggin
in pride of place. NSFW.
http://www.plazaone.com/rldc/redlite/hair/
>> Dildo or Tupperware? <<
The banana case market is really hotting up,
first we had the hard plastic enclosure of The
Banana Guard, and now the Banana Bunker
brings you a more flexible alternative.
Ideal for those with wonky fruit.
http://bananabunker.com/
>> Millennium Dome <<
Your Ginger Fuhrer once visited the Millennium
Dome construction site and found a guest book
signed by Chumbawumba where they wrote
something about 'white elephants'. Haven't
checked it out since, but these night time
exploration photos are fantastic.
http://www.28dayslater.co.uk/forums/showthread.php...
>> Perplexing photo of the week <<
"I found this pic," laments Kundalini, "Black
man with a sign on his chest holding two
flaming torches and dangling a laptop from his
cock." We suspect someone might be playing
games with a Nigerian spammer.
http://tunteella.org/4chans/11640447301345125.jpg
>> Cat shelves <<
Got a cat? You need cat shelves. We're
installing them in B3ta HQ to make Rocky the
Official B3ta Cat, entertain us with some
crazy-kitty-tomfoolery before we allow him
to eat.
http://www.katwallks.com/customerphotos.htm
>> Biggest plug hole ever <<
You know that 'fact' about water swirling in a
different direction in Australian sinks? It's
bollocks. However, here's a massive plughole,
and we wouldn't like to have our bollocks over
it when someone drains the water out.
http://snipurl.com/monticello
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
It's like TV made by magic pixies
>> Blending glowsticks <<
Ah. Remember 1992? Shoving glow sticks up your
arse and snorting turtle wax? The crazy kids
these days are sticking them in blenders and
then drinking them to make fluorescent cock
piss. Probably.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Will_it_blend_Lightstick...
>> Rip Torn goes mental <<
We've been on a 89 episode Larry Sanders
marathon in B3ta Towers (thanks torrentspy),
and the stand-out performance is Artie, as played
by legendary character actor Rip Torn. Check
him going proper radio rental in some old
Norman Mailer flick. Genuinely violent, even
disturbing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Charlie the Unicorn <<
We've been hanging out with young people
recently, in a sad attempt to find out what
the kids are into. Apparently, as well as
sticking toothpaste up their urethra and
posting the animated jpegs on geocities, they
are watching Charlie the Unicorn. (Can we do
the old Viz joke about Screwnicorns here?
Nope. Ok.)
http://filmcow.com/charlietheunicorn.html
>> Spice test <<
When we were young, we'd like nothing better
than filling dustbins full of air freshener
and throwing matches into the fumes. This is
old hat now, the cool kids are swallowing
spice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Gangster kidz <<
The Wiggles are an antipodean children band,
that according to our Ozzy friend, earn more
than the Rolling Stones. Quite why they are
mixed with some gangster rap, can only be
because someone thought it was funny. It is,
kinda.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> The difference between men and women <<
You might think the difference is men have
cocks and ladies have inverted cocks, but no,
apparently it's more subtle. It's all about
how they use the shower.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Gillian McKeith Challenge
Last week we wanted you to photoshop
quack nutritionist Gillian McKeith.
We asked Ben Goodacre, author of the
Guardian's esteemed Bad Science column,
to judge the entries. Ben writes:
* LASER TREATMENT - Gratifying to find
an appreciation for evidence based
medicine on b3ta. Smart crowd. Archie
Cochrane would be proud of you.
(plentyofants)
* THE BOOK - This is clearly defamatory
in suggesting a deliberate attempt to
mislead. I'm assuming you're hosted in
Antigua. (plentyofants)
* BOGROLL CERTIFICATE - I'm getting some of
these printed up. (plentyofants, again)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gillian_mckeith/
BTW: Ben has asked us to linky his site, and
seeing as we're nice people, we've said,
"that's fine by us."
http://www.badscience.net/
>> New challenge: Punchlines <<
It's the simplest image challenge ever:
visualise the punchlines to jokes. And
that's it. Challenge suggested by
mictoboy.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/punchlines/
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: FRIDAY GAME
Sticky game
"A game from the same guy who did 'Double
Wires' that you featured not too long ago,"
mouths smirt362, "There is a structure and at
the top of the structure is a star. The goal
is to remove as many sticks as possible from
the structure before it collapses and the star
falls below the line." Get it? Good.
http://ishi.blog2.fc2.com/blog-entry-206.html
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* WILL-IT-SHREAD.COM - drop CDs and bacon into
the office shredder. If ours is anything to go
by the answer is no.
* CLAP TRAP - our idea for a TV show. Think
Blind Date but with STDs.
* BENCH PLAQUE SITUATIONALISM - screw brass
signs into park benches saying slightly odd
things.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Telly's
Lorraine Kelly's smelly jelly wellies,
redazril, kaptinkurtz and Yank Meoff. Top
Tippery by some cunt with bad aids, sorry
setimret. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. Jah to b4ta. (665, the neighbour
of the beast.)
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TOP TIP:
Apples are the best cure for coffee breath.
