NEWSLETTER: "A NOT-FOR-PROPHET PUBLICATION"
This Week:
* SEX - on crack!
* SPORT - The next England manager?
* PORN - with 'celebrity' heads
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Shit in a box? - A
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | cheap and easy Christmas
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| present for your mum"
B3ta email 306 - 7 Dec 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue306/
Pocheen: [email protected]
Vodka: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINKY LINK
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Got a PSP? Ever wanted to be a secret agent?
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the interactive viral commissioned to promote
the game. (It's a send to your mate thingie,
so we've pre-filled it in for you, hey, you're
spoiling us!)
http://tinyurl.com/2canbr
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
50p per mile and all the cash goes to "charity".
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
England manager, lists, puzzles and bikes
>> Americans love lists <<
We're really enjoying Goodie bag's
fast-talking, tightly-edited online stand-up
routines. This time, some chat about how great
lists are.
http://www.goodiebag.tv/episodes/05.htm
>> Find the next England manager <<
A crack team of b3tards, including Down on the
Farm, 100% Gibbon and Malevole, has wrought a
cunning online simulation of the Barwickotron.
This is the venerable machine used by the FA
to produce the identity of the next England
manager. Observe the carefully-reasoned
results, drawn from genuine FA shortlists!
http://barwickotron.com/
>> Christmas puzzle book <<
"I've made you a puzzle book," chirps
baldmonkey. "Give it away FREE with your
newsletter. I recommend everyone printing it
out fifty times to give as gifts instead of
spending money."
http://b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/data/pdf/christmaspuzzl...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Pathological Liars
Last week we wanted to know about your friends
who regard the truth as an illusion:
http://b3ta.com/questions/liars/
* SCOTSMAN - "On holiday, I found myself in a
Scottish pub. I made the mistake of asking for
my first drink with a Scottish accent.
Something in my head just thought that would
be a good idea at the time. It slightly
backfired when the Scotsman behind the bar,
bored on a slow night, was so glad to meet a
fellow countryman that he began chatting to me
and asking where I was from etc. This meant I
had to tell lies of increasingly complexity
about my whole Scottish upbringing (having
grown up in North London) whilst drinking like
a fish. I kid you not, when you're plastered
at 3 in the morning in a hot country, it's not
that easy to carry off a Glaswegian accent and
keep a massive series of lies going. Somehow I
managed it and was even propositioned by a
Scotty lass in the bar. Sadly she was short,
ugly and incredibly drunk so I declined. I was
however very amused to see her fall flat on
her face (literally pancaked) just 5 mins
later when trying to leave with her friends."
(golddust)
* KNUCKLES - "One rainy day at school, I was
sitting indoors on my own and noticed a few
first-year boys hanging around. Aha, a chance
to mess with their heads. I form two fists,
and start striking my knuckles against each
other in the manner of someone trying to start
a fire with a flint. After a minute or two,
one of them notices and says, "What are you
doing?" "Trying to strike sparks off my
knuckles." "No, go on. Don't be daft. You
can't do that!" Quite right, of course. But
I'm the science spod and everyone knows it.
"Yes you can," I say, matter-of-factly. "Small
flakes of skin are heated by friction and
burn, but you've got to get the right
conditions." After a few more exchanges of
plausible bullshit, I have a small circle of
half-a-dozen younger boys sitting around
striking their knuckles together for no
reason. And then, we hit gold. One of them
starts backwards and explains: "I got one!" I
congratulated him and left, leaving them all
enthused by this mythical success, and more
eager than ever to waste this lunch break, and
for all I know many others, learning the harsh
lesson that the wages of gullibility is sore
knuckles." (Amish Information Systems)
* PONY GIRL - "My boyfriend and his best mate
managed to convince the mate's little 8 year
old sister that when she reached the grand old
age of 10 she would have the opportunity to
choose whether she wished to spend her
remaining years as a human or a horse. She
couldn't wait to become a horse, and was
devastated when she remained human and
realised that you should never trust an elder
sibling, as they are all bastards."
(clumsyeloquence)
>> This Week's Question <<
Have you accidentally been cruel to an animal?
Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/animalcruelty/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Model behaviour <<
A reader recently added us on Facebook and on
looking at their profile we discovered they
were a member of modelmayhem, a community of
good looking people offering themselves for
photographic work. A certain young lady,
London Andrews, caught our eye, she's using
the money she's earning - via both ordinary
modelling and private fetish shoots - to
travel around the world and blog it as she
goes. TV companies! Surely you can find
documentary material here.
http://londonandrews.blogspot.com/
>> Wordy biro review <<
On being asked "which biro is the best?",
Nobbynobody of Biromash fame answered, "Bic
Cristal medium. The only biro worth the name."
Looking up this pen, they're only 13p from
Amazon (12p secondhand), but we're linking it
for the amusement offered by the overly
detailed review, "On the third day of
ownership I went on a trip to London and took
my pen carefully packed away in my brief case,
but I needn't have worried, this isn't some
temperamental ink pen that leaks when you
store it at the wrong angle. I sat at my
meeting and confidently removed the cap from
my pen and it wrote flawlessly, almost
immediately."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000JTOYLS
>> Crack sex <<
The newsletter staff have been addicted to
crack and anal sex since the first dotcom
crash, and in a "simply astonishing blog post"
one of our members has actually caught Rob and
Dave on a still camera. WARNING: If you find
photos of homeless men people having sex and
smoking rock erotic, prepare for your
clitstick to get stiff.
http://snipurl.com/our_little_secret
>> "I'm afraid of everything..." <<
"This must be the reason the internet was
created," spluffs Spng, "I am tottally
fascinated with this guy. Even though he
basicly lives 23 hours a day all year, in a
small room, he is fascinating."
http://www.ulillillia.us/aboutme/majorfears.shtml
>> DIY LCD picture frame <<
Meet Stuart Kennedy, he likes to invent mad
stuff out of bits and pieces of equipment he
has laying about, including a garden strimmer
out of a small universal motor from a spin
drier a broom handle and a 'bog-chain'. Best
of all? We love his new photo frame, it's the
detail on the back that really makes it.
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/stuart.kennedy60/dpf....
>> Meat sex doll <<
When a man hits middle age, his thoughts turn
to ham - witness both Weebl's and Joel Veitch's
recent pig obsessions, and we think we've
found the perfect sex doll to, er, pork.
http://snipurl.com/meet_the_wife
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
B3ta told off by fluff lovers
"I wish to register a complaint," rages
Warrior_Librarian, "To my dismay there was no
'things that make you go aahh' section in this
weeks issue of your electronic publication.
Please correct this error until next time or I
shall be forced to take my business to your
competitors." OK then, here's a video sent in
by redazril, who writes, "Awww! Cute cat
standing on his hind legs. He thinks he's
people."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: BONUS SPONSORED LINKYPOOS
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http://tinyurl.com/2b87vq
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a small TV in your browser
>> I wanna be a popstar <<
Rock vid tracking the convoluted career path
of a typical, manufactured pop star. They do
live fairly baroque lifestyles, don't they?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_wanna_be_a_pop_star
>> How fast is a Formula 1 car? <<
Enjoyable old-school Top Gear-style spot,
pitting a family saloon against a Porsche and
a F1 car in a race around Silverstone track.
Crazily quick.
http://snipurl.com/cars_go_vroom
>> 'Celebrity' sex tape <<
This is porn, make no mistake. Celebrity heads
'artfully' added to scenes of fairly hardcore
porn. The amusing thing is that the celebs
have clearly been cut from various interviews
and their heads blithely keep chatting away,
seemingly quite unaware of what their hands
are up to with that enormous dildo. Very NSFW
indeed.
http://www.youporn.com/watch/35540
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Animal Suicides Challenge
Last week we wanted to know how animals top
themselves.
Your favourites included:
* BANG - a bold critique of police-state
Britain, and brilliant use of classic animated
gif (Damocles)
* BOOM - proof that elephants don't just use
their trunks for retrieving poo from each
other's bottoms (HappyToast)
* BOSH - in which a snail finds ingenious use
for a jar of tippex in a desperate bid for
oblivion (Zak McFlimby)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animal_suicides/
>> New challenge: Alternative Christmas Cards <<
Santa is drunk, the shops have run out of
tinsel, and no-one's kissing under the
mistletoe. It's an alternative Christmas, and
it needs alternative Christmas cards. Design
them.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/alternative_christma...
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* PORN NAME - last week Postbear was filming a
porno and wanted YOU to suggest a credit. He
says, "I have selected 'Ginger Führer', it
resonates most with me. and yes, the umlaut is
vital." Er.. very original.
* MR SPLASHY PANTS - Igotdamaged blithers, "My
wife is the News Editor for the leading
magazine for the charity sector - 'Third
Sector' and I told her about the Mr Splashy
Pants, Greenpeace whale vote that was swayed
by B3tans. She ensured that it made the pages
of this week's magazine (available in all good
newsagents priced £2.40) and an online version
of the story can be read here. Third Sector is
a weekly bible for anyone in the charity
industry. If Greenpeace were previously
unaware of why Mr Splashy Pants proved to be
such a popular choice, they will now
understand that the glorious blame lies firmly
at the door of B3TA."
http://www.thirdsector.co.uk/Opinion/Login/771110/
* BEST MOUSE TRAPS - lots of email on this
subject, here's just a selection:
+ Put some drops of peppermint oil around
everywhere the mouse frequents or emerges
from, and it will soon leave and not come
back. (fross)
+ "I live in rat-ridden Jakarta and the only
way I have found to keep them out of the house
is to clean up a lot. If there's no food for
them to eat they'll fuck off. Tough but
simple." (revilogreen)
+ "After mices started eating bread from my
kitchen, I hid a poison bait in a bread
wrapper & set up this honeypot; poor little
guys never had a chance..." (gareth)
http://easybinary.com/moulinmouse.jpg
* ABBEY ROAD INVADERS - NoSoup4U chirrups, "I
gladly wasted my Saturday afternoon crafting
Abbey Road Crossing, as per the b3ta
newsletter request." What's that phrase? Be
careful of what you wish for?
http://www.nosoup.net/nosoup4u/b3ta/abbeyroadcross...
* B3TA IN 'GOOD FOR STUDENTS' SHOCK -
Nostrebor mumbles, "Remember a year or so back
when you featured a cool story about a chap
who cured his chronic asthma and hayfever by
contracting hookworms? Well I study parasites
at uni and was at a loss as to what title to
pick for my 25% essay this year and after much
searching fund that article through b3ta
again. I received good marks. Thank you b3ta."
Although he then went on to say, "I'm afraid
that I couldnt reference you as you are not
technically peer reviewed." Which annoyed us
slightly as we think our contributions to
science are underrated.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Kebabtris
If this game was available for our phone, we'd
never get off the Tube. To play it is to be
addicted.
http://franksemails.com/shockwave/souvlaki-tetris....
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
This week we've made our suggestions whilst
reading the ART catorgory on Wikipedia.
* FAMOUS PAINTINGS PICK THE PRICIEST - display
famous and expensive works of art of art side
by side, can YOU click the more expensive one?
* STATUE COCK QUIZ - from Donatello's David to
Michelangelo's Bacchus, this is a quiz about
art that's well hung.
* DUCHAMPS 'PISS THE FAG ENDS DOWN THE GRILL'
URINAL GAME - or possibly something on the
theme "René Magritte is a fucking pedant."
Furthermore, Chris requests, "My name's Chris
(as you may have gathered). I'm currently 1
month into a 9-month tour round the world, and
you're not. Great isn't it! I started nicking
all the little soap bars and sticking them
together into 1 big multi-coloured chunk and
it made me think of B3ta. I wonder if any
B3tans can think of any other completely
useless, but slightly more interesting things
I can do while I blow the last 18 months'
savings?"
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Links from rosemaryewalton,
michael.mcnevin, chickenlady, and
thiswasmyclone. Xing the Y from
Thor_sonofodin. Subjectline from Want
Bartender. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. Asciilols from Captn Hood-Butter.
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: TOP TIP
Going through a speed trap too fast? If
possible, climb out through the sunroof
and clap hollowed-out coconuts on the roof.
This tricks the camera into thinking you're
riding a horse, so you should get away
without being flashed.
(FizzyLogic)
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: SICKIPEDIA
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving
definitely isn't for you.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
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