NEWSLETTER: "NOW AVAILABLE IN WOOLWORTHS"
"Now available in Woolworths"
This Week:
* SONG - Veitch and his Communist Christmas
* CHALLENGE - Poor old Oliver Postgate
* PAUL ROSS - Celebrated in portrait... at last!
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're slaving the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | web... to make a
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| mentally ill army"
B3ta email 358 - 12 Dec 2008
You are special. Reward yourself with HTML:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue358/
Bottom-scrivener: [email protected]
Vag-scrivener: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Commies, Cooking, geeks and surrealism
>> Red Christmas <<
Crab Czar Joel Veitch points out, "Stalin was
right on some major issues. We should probably
remember what christmas is really supposed to
be about - the workers' utopia, and death to
enemies of the state." Sentiments we can all
get behind.
http://rathergood.com/christmas
>> Yumblog <<
Richard Camps' amusing food-based bloggery with
a healthy dash of celeb chef hate. We
particularly liked yuckblog - in-depth reviews
of the most disgusting pre-prepared slop.
http://yumblog.co.uk/
>> Befriend a geek <<
This Christmas johnwards urges us to spare a
thought for those who'll be spending it alone -
the geeks, the nerds, the messageboard admins.
http://www.befriendageek.com/
>> Dream Casserole <<
"Hail B3ta!" proclaims Gaius Maximus David
Ellinor. "I come with a new 90 second comedy
short called Dream Casserole. Featuring
marigolds, man milk and messerschmitt fighter
planes." Mental and we do not use that word
lightly.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Cougars and Sugar Daddies
Last week we asked about age-gap shags. In
amongst all the boasting were a few, more
honest, tales of the generation gap failing
to be bridged by a cock:
http://b3ta.com/questions/cougars/
* CURRY DADDY - "My Dad was 52. My Sister was
17. They went out for a quiet catch up
over an Indian meal. Halfway through their
meal a bloke walked over to the table,
pointed his finger at my dad and said,
'You fucking disgust me.' He shook his
head and walked out." (Waspard)
* SEDUCED - "It aint all it's cracked up to
be. Last year, when I was 38, I was 'seduced'
by a 20 year old young lady at work. Well,
when I say seduced, she came over to me in
the smoking room one day, sat on my lap and
said "it's shaved, do you want to see?" and
promptly proceeded to place my hand on the
evidence. Whilst all my mates were jealous
and there was the usual lads chorus of "go
on my son" I definitely knew she was a 20
year old because: 1) It was like shagging a
corpse, 2) She got up at 2pm, farting to puke
all over it 3) The fridge got emptied. Where's
my fucking sausages gone? To add insult to
injury she was only 4'11 (I am 5'11). It was
like fucking Frodo's sister and made me feel
like Gary Glitter." (Mong The Merciless)
* TIGER - "I have a client who writes to me on
her personalised stationery. On the front, it's
white, with black and orange accents, giving
her contact details. The back... oh God, the
back... is bright orange, and it says in large
black letters: SHE'S A TIGERRRRRRRRRRRR!
I am not sure there's any excuse for that."
(rachelswipe)
>> This Week's Question <<
Why are you going to burn in Hell? Talk to us
here, sinner:
http://b3ta.com/questions/hell/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Paul Ross Print <<
Fans of Jonathan Ross's elder brother rejoice!
Amazon stocks a sizeable luxury canvas print of
the celebrity film reviewer, ready to adorn
your bedroom wall with his handsome fizzog.
Filed in the "what the fuck are Amazon selling
now?" category.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001N6W8U...
>> Pet jungle cat <<
Photo gallery serves as a nutshell view of what
it's like when a medium sized jungle cat lives
in your house. Gets progressively weirder down
to the glowing-eyed beast mutilating animals
and sharing baths.
http://olesiafx.com/news/archives/1307
>> Soft 9/11 <<
We must never forget the events of that
terrible day. And what better way to remind the
kids than this couple of plushie charmers?
http://johnnyryan.livejournal.com/60141.html
>> Can you pass the 11+ ? <<
Classic exercise in poking the younger
generation about their worthless exam results.
Try answering questions from a 1976 paper
aimed at 11-year-olds. FYI: We got 14 out of 15
and then panicked and blew the final question.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7773974.stm
>> Ghostly crowd pics <<
Some nifty long exposure photography turns an
ordinary crowd shot into a seething, roiling
mass of spooky clouds. With hands.
http://bldgblog.blogspot.com/2008/06/pandemonium.h...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Nearly as good as the red button
>> Broccoli kitten <<
Tiny cat just loves to eat his greens. A quick
youTube survey shows broccoli is one of those
things that cats inexplicably enjoy as a treat.
Try it with yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Bombhammer <<
Explosive + mallet = lol. It's all fun until
someone loses an eye. Anyone able to tell us
what the hell these blokes are actually up to?
http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/
>> Baby plays with cat <<
Unfortunate feline miserably tolerates the
clumsy affection of a wee child. Strangely,
B3ta cat Rocky also puts up with this from
kids, whereas he'll randomly try to bite the
face off an adult.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch
>> Robocop rap <<
The entire plot of Robocop summarised in
rapular form. Like a very extended version of
Silver Bullet's 20 Seconds to Comply.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Robocop_Rap
>> Urban knitting <<
Forget cans of spray paint, balls of wool are
where it's at now. Here's the surprisingly
popular world of knitted graffiti, tree coseys
and the like.
http://snipurl.com/needlesthings
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
the dull empty loathing... please end it now...
* SUPER PORN - Luke writes, "I've just signed
up to b3ta (after years of lurking) and saw
that one of this week's funny names was
Porntip? That's nothing. There are real people
with the name Supaporn . The first picture on
the search is even Supaporn Pispan."
http://images.google.co.uk/images
* SPAZZSTICK - Some companies painstakingly
research the meaning of their product's name in
other languages. Some, clearly, just say the
first thing that comes into their heads. Okay,
we get that it's a stick but... uh?
http://www.spazzstick.com/
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: NSFW CUBICLE
What mind-bleach was invented for
>> Jarsquatter <<
One man, one jar. He's playing 'hide the
pickled onions'. NSFW. NSFAnywhere really.
http://lbn.threat.tv/jarsquatter.swf
>> Dildo gas mask <<
Plastic penis attached to latex face mask. So
that you can penetrate the vagina, and to
simulate ejaculation, spit the stuff you get
inside a Cadbury's Creme Egg.
http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Anagram Challenge
Last week we wanted you to make magic from
anagrams.
Your favourites included:
* TOP GEAR - for truck driving
prostitute killers everywhere (WiL)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9001418
* 24 - when Kiefer Sutherland met
Douglas Adams (The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8995734
* SCOTLAND YARD - like the opening
scenes of Fawltey Towers, but with
more crime (Zak McFlimby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8999447
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/anagrams/
>> New challenge: Oliver Postgate <<
Oliver Postgate, the brilliant mind
behind The Clangers, Bagpuss and many
other childhood favourites, passed away
this week. He was a big influence on
many b3tans, and this week's challenge
is to pay tribute. RIP.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/oliverpostgate/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* DRINK MEASURING - "Regarding measuring the
number of pints you piss whilst on the booze,"
advises concurrency, "You can also estimate how
many sausages you've eaten by shitting into
condoms."
* NOT A STALKER - Matt Kaufman rubbishes
boyo81's allegations of stalkerosity (issue
357--ed), "By profession I am an actor and was
hired to play the mime in TheQuietus.com's
classic album covers game.
"The idea that anyone would or could go to such
elaborate lengths to stalk someone - i.e. quite
by chance be featured in a hit game, hope that
b3ta will pick it up and put it in the
newsletter, in the vain hope that one of its
tens of thousands of readers is a girl whom I
know anyway - is absurd and thoroughly
ridiculous and, frankly, almost preposterous.
Especially since I am already friends with her
on Facebook.
"Surely that would be reverse stalking - the
stalkee would be able to see me in the game,
but not I them. The whole thing just doesn't
make any kind of sense."
* CUSTARD EXPERIMENT - "Some powdered custard
went dangerously thick," confides Dan Gilbert.
"Dared by friends, I shaped it into a busty
woman. We named it the custard tart. It is now
frozen in the freezer and is waiting for its
clothing of boob tube and micro skirt to be
knitted by my girl friend. I can send photos if
you like?" Actually, best if you don't. Sounds
a bit frightening.
* TOASTBAGS - Vipros informs, "I was at
university with the nephew of the man who
invented toastabags. We called him Dave Camel,
because he looked like a camel. And his name
was Dave."
* WIKI LISTS - Joe Flaneur says, "This is a
particular favourite of mine:"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Fictional_do...
* ANOTHER HAPPY READER - Jeligula writes, "The
B3TA newsletter is the worst thing to happen to
me every week." And hopefully for a long time
to come!
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* BIG MAC SOUP - "Get stuff from McDonald's and
blend it into a nice soup. Hmmmm, I wonder what
Big Mac Soup would taste like? They should ask
people to do this in the newsletter." suggests
Donkey Gums.
* A CURE FOR OLD PEOPLE - we've considered
poison but we don't fancy going to prison. Any
suggestions? A 90s-style Virtual Reality helmet
that blanks them out?
* ARSE FITTING COOKIE CUTTER - so we can poo
star shaped shits.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Mrs Liveinabin,
augsav, kjs, lxstuart, The Empress, 'DK',
Spooge McBalls, Peter Beater and Juvey. Subjlol
via IPFreely Top Tippery by Reme Philips.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Push Rice Crispies into the treads of you car
tyres for that expensive gravel driveway feel.
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SICKIPEDIA:
My Gran said to me, "Young men of today just
aren't as polite and charming as they were when
I was young". I had to explain, "That's because
they aren't trying to fuck you now."
http://www.sickipedia.org/
