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"Now available in Woolworths"
This Week:
* SONG - Veitch and his Communist Christmas
* CHALLENGE - Poor old Oliver Postgate
* PAUL ROSS - Celebrated in portrait... at last!

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "We're slaving the   
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    web... to make a  
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    mentally ill army"

B3ta email 358 - 12 Dec 2008

You are special. Reward yourself with HTML:

Bottom-scrivener:  [email protected]
 Vag-scrivener:  [email protected]

  Commies, Cooking, geeks and surrealism

  >> Red Christmas <<
  Crab Czar Joel Veitch points out, "Stalin was
  right on some major issues. We should probably
  remember what christmas is really supposed to
  be about - the workers' utopia, and death to
  enemies of the state." Sentiments we can all
  get behind.

  >> Yumblog <<
  Richard Camps' amusing food-based bloggery with
  a healthy dash of celeb chef hate. We
  particularly liked yuckblog - in-depth reviews
  of the most disgusting pre-prepared slop.

  >> Befriend a geek <<
  This Christmas johnwards urges us to spare a
  thought for those who'll be spending it alone -
  the geeks, the nerds, the messageboard admins.

  >> Dream Casserole <<
  "Hail B3ta!" proclaims Gaius Maximus David
  Ellinor. "I come with a new 90 second comedy
  short called Dream Casserole. Featuring
  marigolds, man milk and messerschmitt fighter
  planes." Mental and we do not use that word


  Cougars and Sugar Daddies

  Last week we asked about age-gap shags. In
  amongst all the boasting were a few, more
  honest, tales of the generation gap failing
  to be bridged by a cock:

  * CURRY DADDY - "My Dad was 52. My Sister was
    17. They went out for a quiet catch up
    over an Indian meal. Halfway through their
    meal a bloke walked over to the table,
    pointed his finger at my dad and said,
    'You fucking disgust me.' He shook his
    head and walked out." (Waspard)
  * SEDUCED - "It aint all it's cracked up to
    be. Last year, when I was 38, I was 'seduced'
    by a 20 year old young lady at work. Well,
    when I say seduced, she came over to me in
    the smoking room one day, sat on my lap and
    said "it's shaved, do you want to see?" and
    promptly proceeded to place my hand on the
    evidence. Whilst all my mates were jealous
    and there was the usual lads chorus of "go
    on my son" I definitely knew she was a 20
    year old because: 1) It was like shagging a
    corpse, 2) She got up at 2pm, farting to puke
    all over it 3) The fridge got emptied. Where's
    my fucking sausages gone? To add insult to
    injury she was only 4'11 (I am 5'11). It was
    like fucking Frodo's sister and made me feel
    like Gary Glitter." (Mong The Merciless)
  * TIGER - "I have a client who writes to me on
    her personalised stationery. On the front, it's
    white, with black and orange accents, giving
    her contact details. The back... oh God, the
    back... is bright orange, and it says in large
    black letters: SHE'S A TIGERRRRRRRRRRRR!
    I am not sure there's any excuse for that."

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Why are you going to burn in Hell? Talk to us
  here, sinner:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Paul Ross Print <<
  Fans of Jonathan Ross's elder brother rejoice!
  Amazon stocks a sizeable luxury canvas print of
  the celebrity film reviewer, ready to adorn
  your bedroom wall with his handsome fizzog.
  Filed in the "what the fuck are Amazon selling
  now?" category. 

  >> Pet jungle cat <<
  Photo gallery serves as a nutshell view of what
  it's like when a medium sized jungle cat lives
  in your house. Gets progressively weirder down
  to the glowing-eyed beast mutilating animals
  and sharing baths.

  >> Soft 9/11 <<
  We must never forget the events of that
  terrible day. And what better way to remind the
  kids than this couple of plushie charmers?

  >> Can you pass the 11+ ? <<
  Classic exercise in poking the younger
  generation about their worthless exam results.
  Try answering questions from a 1976  paper
  aimed at 11-year-olds. FYI: We got 14 out of 15
  and then panicked and blew the final question.

  >> Ghostly crowd pics <<
  Some nifty long exposure photography turns an
  ordinary crowd shot into a seething, roiling
  mass of spooky clouds. With hands.


  Nearly as good as the red button

  >> Broccoli kitten <<
  Tiny cat just loves to eat his greens. A quick
  youTube survey shows broccoli is one of those
  things that cats inexplicably enjoy as a treat.
  Try it with yours.

  >> Bombhammer <<
  Explosive + mallet = lol. It's all fun until
  someone loses an eye. Anyone able to tell us
  what the hell these blokes are actually up to?

  >> Baby plays with cat <<
  Unfortunate feline miserably tolerates the
  clumsy affection of a wee child. Strangely,
  B3ta cat Rocky also puts up with this from
  kids, whereas he'll randomly try to bite the
  face off an adult.

  >> Robocop rap <<
  The entire plot of Robocop summarised in
  rapular form. Like a very extended version of
  Silver Bullet's 20 Seconds to Comply.

  >> Urban knitting <<
  Forget cans of spray paint, balls of wool are
  where it's at now. Here's the surprisingly
  popular world of knitted graffiti, tree coseys
  and the like.


  the dull empty loathing... please end it now...  

  * SUPER PORN - Luke writes, "I've just signed
  up to b3ta (after years of lurking) and saw
  that one of this week's funny names was
  Porntip? That's nothing. There are real people
  with the name Supaporn . The first picture on
  the search is even Supaporn Pispan."

  * SPAZZSTICK -   Some companies painstakingly
  research the meaning of their product's name in
  other languages. Some, clearly, just say the
  first thing that comes into their heads. Okay,
  we get that it's a stick but... uh?


  What mind-bleach was invented for

  >> Jarsquatter <<
  One man, one jar. He's playing 'hide the
  pickled onions'. NSFW. NSFAnywhere really.

  >> Dildo gas mask <<
  Plastic penis attached to latex face mask. So
  that you can penetrate the vagina, and to
  simulate ejaculation, spit the stuff you get
  inside a Cadbury's Creme Egg. 


  Results from the Anagram Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to make magic from

  Your favourites included:
  * TOP GEAR - for truck driving 
    prostitute killers everywhere (WiL)

  * 24 - when Kiefer Sutherland met 
    Douglas Adams (The Great Architect)

  * SCOTLAND YARD - like the opening 
    scenes of Fawltey Towers, but with
    more crime (Zak McFlimby)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Oliver Postgate <<
  Oliver Postgate, the brilliant mind 
  behind The Clangers, Bagpuss and many 
  other childhood favourites, passed away 
  this week. He was a big influence on 
  many b3tans, and this week's challenge 
  is to pay tribute. RIP.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * DRINK MEASURING - "Regarding measuring the
  number of pints you piss whilst on the booze,"
  advises concurrency, "You can also estimate how
  many sausages you've eaten by shitting into

  * NOT A STALKER - Matt Kaufman rubbishes
  boyo81's allegations of stalkerosity (issue
  357--ed), "By profession I am an actor and was
  hired to play the mime in TheQuietus.com's
  classic album covers game.

  "The idea that anyone would or could go to such
  elaborate lengths to stalk someone - i.e. quite
  by chance be featured in a hit game, hope that
  b3ta will pick it up and put it in the
  newsletter, in the vain hope that one of its
  tens of thousands of readers is a girl whom I
  know anyway - is absurd and thoroughly
  ridiculous and, frankly, almost preposterous.
  Especially since I am already friends with her
  on Facebook.

  "Surely that would be reverse stalking - the
  stalkee would be able to see me in the game,
  but not I them. The whole thing just doesn't
  make any kind of sense."

  * CUSTARD EXPERIMENT - "Some powdered custard
  went dangerously thick," confides Dan Gilbert.
  "Dared by friends, I shaped it into a busty
  woman. We named it the custard tart. It is now
  frozen in the freezer and is waiting for its
  clothing of boob tube and micro skirt to be
  knitted by my girl friend. I can send photos if
  you like?" Actually, best if you don't. Sounds
  a bit frightening.

  * TOASTBAGS - Vipros informs, "I was at
  university with the nephew of the man who
  invented toastabags. We called him Dave Camel,
  because he looked like a camel. And his name
  was Dave."

  * WIKI LISTS - Joe Flaneur says, "This is a
  particular favourite of mine:"

  * ANOTHER HAPPY READER - Jeligula writes, "The
  B3TA newsletter is the worst thing to happen to
  me every week." And hopefully for a long time
  to come!



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * BIG MAC SOUP - "Get stuff from McDonald's and
  blend it into a nice soup. Hmmmm, I wonder what
  Big Mac Soup would taste like? They should ask
  people to do this in the newsletter." suggests
  Donkey Gums.

  * A CURE FOR OLD PEOPLE - we've considered
  poison but we don't fancy going to prison. Any
  suggestions? A 90s-style Virtual Reality helmet
  that blanks them out?

  * ARSE FITTING COOKIE CUTTER - so we can poo
  star shaped shits.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Mrs Liveinabin,
  augsav, kjs, lxstuart, The Empress, 'DK',
  Spooge McBalls, Peter Beater and Juvey. Subjlol
  via IPFreely Top Tippery by Reme Philips.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.

  Push Rice Crispies into the treads of you car
  tyres for that expensive gravel driveway feel.


  My Gran said to me, "Young men of today just
  aren't as polite and charming as they were when
  I was young". I had to explain, "That's because
  they aren't trying to fuck you now."

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