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This Week:
* VIDEO TOY - The Amazing Benny Hillifier
* NIGELLA - You want her, we want her etc etc
* QUESTION - Addicts confess everything

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    "We're hiding from
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   Christmas... together"

B3ta email 359 - 19 Dec 2008

Stick this in your pipe and smoke it:

         Satan:  [email protected]
       Santa:  [email protected]

  Demons: The Game.

  Roam the dark streets of London, in a mission
  to smite as many Half Lives as possible.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want our linky love? Email is your friend.


  Nigella, Yakety sax and mentals

  >> Oh Nigella you filthy girl <<
  Mike from Casetteboy sends in their latest
  video mash, which makes explicit the unspoken
  truth about Nigella's cooking shows. "Salty
  ointment" is particularly inspired. NSFW. BTW:
  Casetteboy has also written a comic novel.
  Stick 'Earth Inc. by Michael Bollen' into
  Amazon if you're interested.

 >> The Amazing Benny Hillifier <<
  "Look what I made!" cries a gleeful Bobsworth.
  And well he might -  it adds the Benny Hill
  theme to any youTube video. Just paste the
  vid's ID into the box and Bob's your uncle (the
  ID is the string of letters and numbers after
  v= in a youTube URL)

  >> My loony bin pics <<
  Lol-free gallery of photos taken by b3tard
  Gilgamesh during his recent stay. There's an
  odd quality to these pictures of sinister,
  empty rooms that makes them quite compelling. 


  I'm going to hell

  Sparked by Freddy Woo's confession that he read
  the Lord's Prayer backwards, under his breath,
  at his grandfather's funeral in a Dennis
  Wheatley-inspired attempt to summon up The Goat
  of Mendes, we asked "Why are YOU going to hell?"

  * KIDS' TV HAS A LOT TO ANSWER FOR - "3 years of
  age and my gran has taken me to church, as she
  did. The minister is leading the Lord's Prayer:
  'For thine is the Kingdom, and the power and
  the...'  Me (top of my tiny lungs): 'By the
  power of Greyskull! I HAVE THE POWER!!!'"

  * SPASTIC GRAFFITI - "A few years ago, Scope
  was running its campaign to see the person
  before the disability. Quite right too. So I'm
  on the train, roll in to Leeds, look across at
  the hoarding, which reads 'Jimmy loves
  football, and is a Manchester Utd fan. He also
  has cerebral palsy' under which someone had
  written: 'Serves him fucking right.' I laughed
  harder than I ever thought possible, made all
  the worse because I was on a trip with the kids
  from the special school I work at. Although,
  two of them found it funny too." (wormburn)
  * PRETEND RETARDS - "Back when I was 10 and he
  was 7, Me and my brother Richard were sat on
  the back seats of my Mum's Granada at a set of
  traffic lights in Milton Keynes. We hatched a
  cracking wheeze where we'd both pretend to be
  mongs and spack it up towards the car next to
  us. Cue much cocked hand pawing at the window,
  drooling and slack jawed mongishness, The woman
  driving the neighbouring car nudged her husband
  noticing the two drooling cabbages in the back
  of the Granada with a look of pity upon her
  face. That's not the reason I'm off to Hell
  though. When my Mum caught sight of us she
  started to give us both a good hiding through
  the front seats much to the distress of the
  watching woman. We made my Mum look like an
  utter monster who randomly leathered the shit
  out of poor defenceless retard kids."

  >> Addicts confess! <<
  Extremely interested in addiction at B3ta
  towers, props going out to an occasional reader
  whom we know recently spunked £9k in one night
  on internet gambling. Tell us your stories so
  we can feel better about our own weaknesses:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> LiveJournal's latest pics <<
  Tracks the 30 most recent photos to be uploaded
  to Livejournal. It's interesting to just keep
  refreshing, although every page is guaranteed a
  cat, some porn, a teenager looking thoughtful
  and someone selling cheap clothes.

  >> After the Climax <<
  In these paedo-sensitive times there are some
  things you're better off not putting on the
  cover of an album called After the Climax. Just

  >> Party invite nonsense from the spider-drawing bloke <<
  How many parties do you think we've been
  invited to this Chistmas? One. And that was the
  office party of some bloke we met once over
  three years ago and we think he included us by
  accident via a Facebook thingie. Anyway, as
  we're miserable misanthropists this is actually
  what we want anyway. Yeah.


  Celebrities + cats
  Plenty to aahh about in this collection of
  pictures of famous people posing with cats.
  Giorgio Armani and his Persian are
  entertainingly evil-looking. Frank Zappa's
  cross-eyed kitty is weirdly cute.


  Better service than Virgin anyway

  >> Dog malfunction <<
  Dog goes mental, sings scat. Simple, brilliant. 

  >> Bobby Davro charity song <<
  Exceptionally cringe-making charidee fundraiser
  by old-school comic Davro and a school choir.
  Hs a 'so awful it's good' quality. Also, it's
  quite amusing to appreciate how ill-at-ease
  some of the kids are in front of the camera.

  >> Young Girl Talking About Herself <<
  Short, catchy song that summarises a great
  proportion of online video diaries.

  >> Money in My Pocket <<
  Now the credit crunch has really taken hold,
  it's actually the budget option to hire an
  office full of London stockbrokers to perform
  your pop video for you.

  >> What happens when you set up room full of microwaves? <<
  We were completely fooled by this and didn't
  expect the pay off. Unexpectedly charming.

  >> Derren Brown interviewed by Richard Dawkins <<
  Stuck for entertainment this afternoon? Here's
  an interview in six little 10 min chunks,
  between Professor Yaffle and a witch. BTW: As
  Monty Propps notes, "Derren is looking less
  beardy and slightly more portly of late. Coming
  out seems to agree with him."


  Murder-suicide is the only answer now

  * LUVKIDS VAN BEETHOVEN - tristangaudion
  informs, "I run the sheet music department in a
  music shop and found this title while stocking
  the shelves. Love the look on Beethoven's face."

  * CURVATURE OF THE PENIS - Balloonhead spurts,
  "Working at a language school for foreign
  business type people I often hear some funny
  names but here's my favourite: a Mr Bent Kock
  who owns Implement (a Danish HR company)."

  * MORE THAI VICAR - ricardoelsevillano
  gesticulates, "Following on from the previous
  two week’s posts in Funny Name Corner; I’m
  currently teaching at an English institute in
  Bangkok. 'Porn' is very common in Thai names
  and means blessing. Thais generally have two
  names, one given at birth (often by a Buddhist
  monk, hence the ‘blessing’) and a nickname from
  their parents. Some of them are most
  entertaining. Not only have I taught Porntips
  and Supaporns but also Kittiporns, Titiporns,
  Puifaces, several Bums, Poos, Pees and Gams
  (acronym for Gay Asian Male). I've taught
  Bombs, Booms, Earths, Atoms, Beers, Ponds and
  Boats, and last week I even taught a Santa. Oh,
  and my friend Pop is going out with a guy
  called Jazz."

  * TICKLING THE PENIS IVORY - Francis Roberts
  cums in your hair and apologies, "on the
  radio they were playing a Scott Joplin piano
  piece, and then when it ended, I thought I
  heard something about "penis dick hymen," 
  turns out they were just announcing the
  pianist, whose name is Dick Hyman... apparently
  he's a pretty well known ragtime and jazz guy."


  A feature we have no intention of repeating

  * BIG MAC SOUP - Green Spanner writes,
  "Regarding your suggestion of blending burgers
  into soup in the newsletter, I would just like
  to say that I had some cheeseburger soup once,
  and it was god-awful. I couldn't finish the
  whole thing because it was so terrible.
  Unfortunately it was ages ago, and so I have no
  pics or anything." BAH! What is it people say?
  Pics or it didn't happen.

  * BIGGER MAC SOUP - hazzamon blithers, "It
  would seem the chaps at 'Will It Blend?' have
  already done it. Though, in fairness, what they
  have created appears to be more of a shake than

  * AND FINALLY, BIG MAC PIE - Colonel Boris
  barks, "I didn't quite make a soup, but we
  invented a fictional McDonald's product and
  did actually make it in the end.  Christ knows
  how many calories, but it was grand."


  Results from the Oliver Postgate Challenge

  Last week we asked you to pay tribute to
  Oliver Postgate.

  Your favourites included:
  * THANK YOU - the kitten Bagpuss brings a
  heartfelt message (HappyToast)

  * SNORE - while the grown-up version dreams
  contentedly (WiL)

  * WHACK-A-MOLE - finally, a playful Bagpuss
  finds it difficult to clout the Clangers (Fresh
  Water Mole)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: UK TV, Hollywood Style <<
  Many great British TV programmes get re-made by
  the Americans, but there are plenty they
  haven't got round to yet. Play producer and
  show us what they'll look like.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * 100 TOP SITES FOR THE YEAR AHEAD - unusually,
  B3ta gets a mention in a 100 bestest websites
  list that lauds us as, "beyond classification;
  its forum has spawned many memes... and
  trolls." We're so used to journalists telling
  us that we're too rude and unpredictable to
  ever mention in their papers that we nearly
  fell off our chair.

  * BUMMERS - thanks to the literally hundreds
  (about 28) people who wrote in to point out
  that our request for an "arse-fitting cookie
  cutter" had already been fulfilled by the
  delightfully named:

  * POO PRICE REDUX - "I am b3ta member JBoom,
  and years ago I made Poo Price (.com) - it was
  a massive hit with over 4 million poo's
  recorded and it was even used live on BBC Radio
  1! Well, I made it into an iPhone app, so you
  can have a poo and time it on your shiny iPhone
  or iPod touch.  Would you pretty please big it
  up in your newsletter ?" Well OK then, seeing
  as you asked nicely, but we don't actually have
  an iPhone to test this on, being stuck with an
  old Nokia from about 2003 (the Golden Age of



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * KILL CHRISTMAS - electric.dragon requests,
  "One of those Flash games where you shoot
  things: the things being perpetrators of
  clichéd Christmas songs. And their song plays
  in the background until you score a hit. Came
  to me in the supermarket as 'Saviour's Day'
  came onto the PA and I was filled with a desire
  to set about Cliff Richard with a shotgun."

  * PASTRY CASEMODS - can you run your brand new
  Pentium Pro from inside some butter-glazed puff

  * HOW LONG IS A PIECE OF STRING - we're sick
  of not knowing. Maybe someone could invent some
  kind of ruler?

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Twinpack,
  john_mcenroe, enceladus, moogy boobles,
  FredAstaireAteMyTapShoes, kim.kotchanski,
  JamboM, Monty Propps and the_log_knows.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke,
  except he's ill. Get well soon Mike. Subjlol
  via theoriginalsteve.

  What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?
  Very little.

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