NEWSLETTER: "UNLIKE ALL THE OTHER CRAP YOU GET THIS CHRISTMAS, YOU CAN'T SEND THIS BACK"
This Week:
* VIDEO TOY - The Amazing Benny Hillifier
* NIGELLA - You want her, we want her etc etc
* QUESTION - Addicts confess everything
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're hiding from
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Christmas... together"
B3ta email 359 - 19 Dec 2008
Stick this in your pipe and smoke it:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue359/
Satan: [email protected]
Santa: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Demons: The Game.
Roam the dark streets of London, in a mission
to smite as many Half Lives as possible.
http://tinyurl.com/5xxc86
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want our linky love? Email is your friend.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Nigella, Yakety sax and mentals
>> Oh Nigella you filthy girl <<
Mike from Casetteboy sends in their latest
video mash, which makes explicit the unspoken
truth about Nigella's cooking shows. "Salty
ointment" is particularly inspired. NSFW. BTW:
Casetteboy has also written a comic novel.
Stick 'Earth Inc. by Michael Bollen' into
Amazon if you're interested.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Oh_Nigella_you_filthy_gi...
>> The Amazing Benny Hillifier <<
"Look what I made!" cries a gleeful Bobsworth.
And well he might - it adds the Benny Hill
theme to any youTube video. Just paste the
vid's ID into the box and Bob's your uncle (the
ID is the string of letters and numbers after
v= in a youTube URL)
http://james.nerdiphythesoul.com/bennyhillifier/
>> My loony bin pics <<
Lol-free gallery of photos taken by b3tard
Gilgamesh during his recent stay. There's an
odd quality to these pictures of sinister,
empty rooms that makes them quite compelling.
http://kineticnorth.com/loonybin/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
I'm going to hell
Sparked by Freddy Woo's confession that he read
the Lord's Prayer backwards, under his breath,
at his grandfather's funeral in a Dennis
Wheatley-inspired attempt to summon up The Goat
of Mendes, we asked "Why are YOU going to hell?"
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/hell/
* KIDS' TV HAS A LOT TO ANSWER FOR - "3 years of
age and my gran has taken me to church, as she
did. The minister is leading the Lord's Prayer:
'For thine is the Kingdom, and the power and
the...' Me (top of my tiny lungs): 'By the
power of Greyskull! I HAVE THE POWER!!!'"
(Phase3Profit)
* SPASTIC GRAFFITI - "A few years ago, Scope
was running its campaign to see the person
before the disability. Quite right too. So I'm
on the train, roll in to Leeds, look across at
the hoarding, which reads 'Jimmy loves
football, and is a Manchester Utd fan. He also
has cerebral palsy' under which someone had
written: 'Serves him fucking right.' I laughed
harder than I ever thought possible, made all
the worse because I was on a trip with the kids
from the special school I work at. Although,
two of them found it funny too." (wormburn)
* PRETEND RETARDS - "Back when I was 10 and he
was 7, Me and my brother Richard were sat on
the back seats of my Mum's Granada at a set of
traffic lights in Milton Keynes. We hatched a
cracking wheeze where we'd both pretend to be
mongs and spack it up towards the car next to
us. Cue much cocked hand pawing at the window,
drooling and slack jawed mongishness, The woman
driving the neighbouring car nudged her husband
noticing the two drooling cabbages in the back
of the Granada with a look of pity upon her
face. That's not the reason I'm off to Hell
though. When my Mum caught sight of us she
started to give us both a good hiding through
the front seats much to the distress of the
watching woman. We made my Mum look like an
utter monster who randomly leathered the shit
out of poor defenceless retard kids."
(Swan_Vesta)
>> Addicts confess! <<
Extremely interested in addiction at B3ta
towers, props going out to an occasional reader
whom we know recently spunked £9k in one night
on internet gambling. Tell us your stories so
we can feel better about our own weaknesses:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/addicted/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> LiveJournal's latest pics <<
Tracks the 30 most recent photos to be uploaded
to Livejournal. It's interesting to just keep
refreshing, although every page is guaranteed a
cat, some porn, a teenager looking thoughtful
and someone selling cheap clothes.
http://www.portalofevil.com/lj.php
>> After the Climax <<
In these paedo-sensitive times there are some
things you're better off not putting on the
cover of an album called After the Climax. Just
saying.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001FHGXS...
>> Party invite nonsense from the spider-drawing bloke <<
How many parties do you think we've been
invited to this Chistmas? One. And that was the
office party of some bloke we met once over
three years ago and we think he included us by
accident via a Facebook thingie. Anyway, as
we're miserable misanthropists this is actually
what we want anyway. Yeah.
http://www.27bslash6.com/matthewsparty.html
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Celebrities + cats
Plenty to aahh about in this collection of
pictures of famous people posing with cats.
Giorgio Armani and his Persian are
entertainingly evil-looking. Frank Zappa's
cross-eyed kitty is weirdly cute.
http://thecatalyst.typepad.com/the_catalyst/famous...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Better service than Virgin anyway
>> Dog malfunction <<
Dog goes mental, sings scat. Simple, brilliant.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dog_Malfunction_Fixed
>> Bobby Davro charity song <<
Exceptionally cringe-making charidee fundraiser
by old-school comic Davro and a school choir.
Hs a 'so awful it's good' quality. Also, it's
quite amusing to appreciate how ill-at-ease
some of the kids are in front of the camera.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Davro_charity_song
>> Young Girl Talking About Herself <<
Short, catchy song that summarises a great
proportion of online video diaries.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Money in My Pocket <<
Now the credit crunch has really taken hold,
it's actually the budget option to hire an
office full of London stockbrokers to perform
your pop video for you.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch
>> What happens when you set up room full of microwaves? <<
We were completely fooled by this and didn't
expect the pay off. Unexpectedly charming.
http://snurl.com/pingpingping
>> Derren Brown interviewed by Richard Dawkins <<
Stuck for entertainment this afternoon? Here's
an interview in six little 10 min chunks,
between Professor Yaffle and a witch. BTW: As
Monty Propps notes, "Derren is looking less
beardy and slightly more portly of late. Coming
out seems to agree with him."
http://snurl.com/dorktalk
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Murder-suicide is the only answer now
* LUVKIDS VAN BEETHOVEN - tristangaudion
informs, "I run the sheet music department in a
music shop and found this title while stocking
the shelves. Love the look on Beethoven's face."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/071190145...
* CURVATURE OF THE PENIS - Balloonhead spurts,
"Working at a language school for foreign
business type people I often hear some funny
names but here's my favourite: a Mr Bent Kock
who owns Implement (a Danish HR company)."
http://www.linkedin.com/pub/5/752/179
* MORE THAI VICAR - ricardoelsevillano
gesticulates, "Following on from the previous
two week’s posts in Funny Name Corner; I’m
currently teaching at an English institute in
Bangkok. 'Porn' is very common in Thai names
and means blessing. Thais generally have two
names, one given at birth (often by a Buddhist
monk, hence the ‘blessing’) and a nickname from
their parents. Some of them are most
entertaining. Not only have I taught Porntips
and Supaporns but also Kittiporns, Titiporns,
Puifaces, several Bums, Poos, Pees and Gams
(acronym for Gay Asian Male). I've taught
Bombs, Booms, Earths, Atoms, Beers, Ponds and
Boats, and last week I even taught a Santa. Oh,
and my friend Pop is going out with a guy
called Jazz."
* TICKLING THE PENIS IVORY - Francis Roberts
cums in your hair and apologies, "on the
radio they were playing a Scott Joplin piano
piece, and then when it ended, I thought I
heard something about "penis dick hymen,"
turns out they were just announcing the
pianist, whose name is Dick Hyman... apparently
he's a pretty well known ragtime and jazz guy."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dick_Hyman
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: MCDONALDS NEWS
A feature we have no intention of repeating
* BIG MAC SOUP - Green Spanner writes,
"Regarding your suggestion of blending burgers
into soup in the newsletter, I would just like
to say that I had some cheeseburger soup once,
and it was god-awful. I couldn't finish the
whole thing because it was so terrible.
Unfortunately it was ages ago, and so I have no
pics or anything." BAH! What is it people say?
Pics or it didn't happen.
* BIGGER MAC SOUP - hazzamon blithers, "It
would seem the chaps at 'Will It Blend?' have
already done it. Though, in fairness, what they
have created appears to be more of a shake than
soup."
http://uk.youtube.com/watch
* AND FINALLY, BIG MAC PIE - Colonel Boris
barks, "I didn't quite make a soup, but we
invented a fictional McDonald's product and
did actually make it in the end. Christ knows
how many calories, but it was grand."
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8552594
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8561408
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Oliver Postgate Challenge
Last week we asked you to pay tribute to
Oliver Postgate.
Your favourites included:
* THANK YOU - the kitten Bagpuss brings a
heartfelt message (HappyToast)
http://b3ta.com/board/9014132
* SNORE - while the grown-up version dreams
contentedly (WiL)
http://b3ta.com/board/9018762
* WHACK-A-MOLE - finally, a playful Bagpuss
finds it difficult to clout the Clangers (Fresh
Water Mole)
http://b3ta.com/board/9014875
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/oliverpostgate/
>> New challenge: UK TV, Hollywood Style <<
Many great British TV programmes get re-made by
the Americans, but there are plenty they
haven't got round to yet. Play producer and
show us what they'll look like.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/uktv/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* 100 TOP SITES FOR THE YEAR AHEAD - unusually,
B3ta gets a mention in a 100 bestest websites
list that lauds us as, "beyond classification;
its forum has spawned many memes... and
trolls." We're so used to journalists telling
us that we're too rude and unpredictable to
ever mention in their papers that we nearly
fell off our chair.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2008/dec/18/i...
* BUMMERS - thanks to the literally hundreds
(about 28) people who wrote in to point out
that our request for an "arse-fitting cookie
cutter" had already been fulfilled by the
delightfully named:
http://www.turdtwister.com/
* POO PRICE REDUX - "I am b3ta member JBoom,
and years ago I made Poo Price (.com) - it was
a massive hit with over 4 million poo's
recorded and it was even used live on BBC Radio
1! Well, I made it into an iPhone app, so you
can have a poo and time it on your shiny iPhone
or iPod touch. Would you pretty please big it
up in your newsletter ?" Well OK then, seeing
as you asked nicely, but we don't actually have
an iPhone to test this on, being stuck with an
old Nokia from about 2003 (the Golden Age of
Nokias)
http://snurl.com/ipoone
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* KILL CHRISTMAS - electric.dragon requests,
"One of those Flash games where you shoot
things: the things being perpetrators of
clichéd Christmas songs. And their song plays
in the background until you score a hit. Came
to me in the supermarket as 'Saviour's Day'
came onto the PA and I was filled with a desire
to set about Cliff Richard with a shotgun."
* PASTRY CASEMODS - can you run your brand new
Pentium Pro from inside some butter-glazed puff
pastry?
* HOW LONG IS A PIECE OF STRING - we're sick
of not knowing. Maybe someone could invent some
kind of ruler?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Twinpack,
john_mcenroe, enceladus, moogy boobles,
FredAstaireAteMyTapShoes, kim.kotchanski,
JamboM, Monty Propps and the_log_knows.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke,
except he's ill. Get well soon Mike. Subjlol
via theoriginalsteve.
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SICKIPEDIA:
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?
Very little.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
