NEWSLETTER: "YOUR LATEX VAGINA ORDER HAS BEEN DISPATCHED"
This Week:
* VID - Gordon Ramsey through microscope
* TOON - Amazing Horse
* GIF - Every 'Under Construction' pic ever
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 400 - 16 Oct 2009
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue400/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
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http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Ramsey, Horses, Teapots and Cameron
>> Powers of Ramsey <<
"Here's something silly I made for the bbc
comedy website," beams Mutated Monty. He's
taken a powerful microscope to examine Gordon
Ramsey at every visual level.
http://cyriak.co.uk/blog/
>> Amazing Horse <<
"It's all about women's rights," claims Weebl
of his latest equine fable. BTW: We should have
linked this weeks ago but it sat in a pile of
maybes - turns out it's Jonti's biggest hit in
ages and has also inspired its own domain
(GetOnMyHorse.com) AND an interview with
top-geeky-community-that-isn't-Digg, Reddit.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Amazing+Horse/
http://snipurl.com/weeblreddit
>> Blowing into teapots
"Hey guys," spouts Yan Fortin. "A few weeks
back, we organised a contest asking our readers
to blow into full teapots.. as strange as it
may sound, the response and results were quite
spectacular." Pleasing and strange.
http://snipurl.com/potblowing
>> You control David Cameron <<
All the power of the Shadow Prime Minister lies
at your command, with this great
click-and-speak toy by leanmeanfightingmachine.
Featuring "Gordon Brown is a second-rate cunt"
and many more.
http://www.speechbreaker.co.uk
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Celebrity Insults Pt II
Five years ago, we asked if you'd ever been
rude to a celebrity, or had been on the
receiving end of a Z-List tantrum. You've been
busy with the insults in the meantime:
http://b3ta.com/questions/celebrities/
* TREK - "Aged 13 I was sat in an outdoor
hot tub in Banff when I looked across to see
none other than curly hair transporter scamp
and poor man's Scotty, Colm Meany. I was
literally just about to ask if he was who I
thought he was, and he knew it, as soon as I
opened my mouth speak he gave me a look of
utter disgust and snapped "Yes, I'm an actor
for fuck's sake," in a ridiculous thespian
voice. Only for one of the adults in the hot tub
to produce the fastest and most cutting
response I have ever heard: "Standing in the
background on Star Trek does not make you an
actor, you obnoxious cunt." (evilamnesiac)
* TRAMP - "I've had a few pub encounters with
Camden's crack-tacular knob head Amy Winehouse
in the years I've lived in North London. And I
can say without doubt the best way to turn our
dearest Amy into a raging, spitting, seething
mass of ridiculous hair, shit tattoos and a
verbal assault that'd make a nun's hair turn
white in a millisecond is to do the following:
Wait until she's shitfaced (usually round the
Good Mixer at about 11pm; any night of the
week). Allow her time to stagger out - silently
count to ten in your head - and follow. I
guarantee she'll be having a little sit down
rest on the pavement. Leisurely walk past her
and casually toss a couple of coins into her
lap whilst discussing London's homeless problem
with your mates. I've learnt some new,
interesting and downright flamboyant swear
words this way." (SpankyHanky)
* TRASH - There's only a certain amount of
times you can shout, "Oi, Kate Nash! Show us
yer gash!" before she'll turn around and tell
you to fuck off... It's four times."
(wanderlust)
>> This Week's Question <<
Tell us what incredibly popular things hold no
glamour or joy for you and just leave you cold:
http://b3ta.com/questions/coldfish/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Every under construction GIF ever <<
Old, bearded men of the internet (like us) will
remember when websites greeted visitors with
the message "hello, welcome to my home page",
had title background graphics and were almost
permanently under construction. Witness this
fantastic archive. BTW: We briefly considered
writing an under construction song and looping
these images in a video but couldn't actually
be arsed.
http://www.textfiles.com/underconstruction/
>> Stop making that duck face! <<
One day we're going to open a blogspot account
called "young people being stupid" and shake
our head with confusion at the weird trends we
can no longer hope to explain or understand.
http://antiduckface.com/
>> Fame makes people miserable <<
"I know this by studying the covers of Abba's 8
studio albums in order", writes Scottcrawford
on twitter. We also wonder if Benny on the
Voulez Vous album could be photoshopped into
Star Wars Kid? He's already holding a light
staff.
http://is.gd/4koDD
>> Sausage Arrangements <<
We reckon Joel Veitch should renew his vows
with his lovely wife - so he can throw this as
a bouquet - imagine the lucky girl that catches
his sausages.
http://snipurl.com/wurstblumen
>> Rihanna and Jay-Z are in league with the Devil <<
Conkers-bonkers website that we'd be
half-inclined to think is parody were it not
so bloody detailed. Linked story goes to a
reading of the recent hit Umbrella-ella-ella
and how it's all about Satan. Other articles we
rolled our eyes at included "The Occult Roots
of The Wizard of Oz" and "Beyonce’s Sweet
Dreams – Occult Mind Control."
http://vigilantcitizen.com/
>> Google wave backlash? <<
The hype for Google Wave has been astounding -
everyone begging for invites on Twitter etc.
Currently we're pretty underwhelmed as we don't
have enough contacts on it for it to work
properly. A friend comments, "My gut feeling is
that it's like using an oil rig to dig a hole
to house a small shrub in." Anyway - here's
someone else's critique:
http://easiertounderstandthanwave.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Mummy, there's people in my laptop
>> "I've Discovered Something Amazing!" <<
Fresh-faced expert demonstrates his latest
incredible discovery.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Scary Gummi Bear <<
Chemistry experiment demonstrates, to our
satisfaction, that each confectionary bear
contains the distilled evil of Satan himself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> 2 Girls 2 Cups (worksafe) <<
Two lovely ladies sing and beat rhythm with
plastic cups and clapping. Countdown to
charming idea being nicked by admen commencing
now...
http://www.b3ta.com/links/2_Girls_2_Cups_quite_saf...
>> Nintendo Jazz <<
Play your favourite console games as they were
meant to be played - with a live jazz
accompaniment. Really does add something.
Something good? Well, maybe.
http://www.synthgear.com/2009/music/nintendo-jazz/
>> Star Wars Uncut <<
Star Wars fans recreate the movie in individual
15 second segments that will then be stitched
back together. We were initially sceptical,
thinking the results would be shit but this
trailer makes it look amazing! Probably be fun
to watch at the cinema, surrounded by
over-excited fans.
http://entertainment.todaysbigthing.com/2009/10/05
>> Neo Geo collector dance <<
This man is a hero. Scantily-clad nerd
triumphantly dances to Pet Shop Boys while
displaying all his Neo Geo cartridges. And,
memorably, his arse. Ok, perhaps 'hero' is not
the appropriate word.
http://bit.ly/43kV35
>> Computer Camp Love <<
Teen summer love song with full 80s geek
trimmings.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Computer_Camp_Love_by_Da...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Fucks shit up
* WANDA COLON - Shopping channel TV presenter
or Dumbledore's cure for bum-grapes?
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1132019/
* EMMA ROIDS - "We thought it was a joke at
first," writes wanbo.
https://www.aianalysts.com/index.php
* CRUDELY-DRAWN SQUID - Unappetising stickers
from a current McDonalds Happy Meal range.
http://snipurl.com/morelikecephallicopod
* SAD NEWS ON LEE WANK-HOO - turns out his real
name is the far less amusing Lee Wan-koo,
according to b3tard racetraitor. "There are
more than enough better names out there," he
continues. "I once knew a Korean doctor whose
given name was Young Suck. Another common name
in Korea (and more-so in China) is Longwang.
They even named a typhoon after it:"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Typhoon_Longwang
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: ASK B3TA
Ask us anything - just anything
Ben writes - "Gents, I was looking for that
feature from a while back where a bloke had
pictures of birds, then you clicked on them and
it showed you their fanny. You had to guess
what it was going to be like I think. I can't
find it."
Dear Ben. Fucked if we know - maybe our readers
can help? Love b3ta xx.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CAN A MAN LIVE ON SALAD ALONE? - krang
writes, "After a particularly raucous night
out, I found I only had £1 left. Not enough for
a kebab to fill my sloshy tummy, so I stopped
at a 24-hour-store and bought...a whole
lettuce. I figured it was like a kebab, only
minus the meat and pitta. I managed to devour
pretty much the whole thing, but as I was
getting towards the end I realised I was
basically eating water. I was quite ill the
next day, and not just hungover."
* RADIO FAIL SAYS THANKS - King Harvest writes,
"Just wanted to say how chuffed I am to see the
link to the radio fail website in this week's
mailout - feels like a bit of a victory for a
relative b3ta newbie! THANK YOU! King Harvest.
Friday evening. Feeling as chuffed as old
pants." And here's their link again because we
want to cyber-bum them:
http://radiofail.tk/
* BRITISH ENGLISH PEDANTS! - Linbox complains,
"I know you're running a 'If America was still
British' challenge this week, but it's no
bloody excuse for slipping into American; 'Joel
Veitch vs. Lamb' 'B3ta vs. Eoin Colfer' FOR THE
LOVE OF GOD, NO!. It's 'v' on its own, none of
this American 'vs' claptrap. 'Pressdram v
Arkell', 'Liverpool v Chelsea'."
* BACON SOCKS? - mr_antihero writes, "Ashi
Dashi has steak and intestine socks (scroll to
the bottom) - perhaps they could be petitioned
to do bacon. Bonus points for the pic wearing
the steak socks and standing on a plate next to
a bottle of A1 sauce."
http://www.sockdreams.com/_shop/pages/socks_detail...
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: FRIDAY GAME
Miami Shark
You play a shark - the aim of the game is to
dive deep, then rise to the surface to smash
boats, kill people and snatch helicopters out
of the sky with your massive, razor-sharp jaws.
It's amazing how perfectly the shark has
evolved to fill this particularly specialised
ecological niche.
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/513760
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* "CAN YOU WASH YOUR CLOTHES IN THE
DISHWASHER?", asks thespiritofrussellcrowe,
"Which works better, laundry powder or
dishwashing powder?" Actually this reminds us
of being students and doing the washing up with
some Herbal Essence.
* CORPORATE HATE NAMES - we were thinking about
the names people use for institutions to signal
their personal antipathy to their valuees. eg.
Micro$oft, The Torygraph, The Daily Fail and
The Scum. Do you know any others?
* BREATH TESTING KIT - "A litmus paper that
will scientifically tell you if your breath
really smells or your mouth just tastes funny."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via mrmonkfish,
Rhodri Marsden, @scottcrawford, kyoung57, busy
phil, chaiwallah, Mikael, tomalexwright
JugglerJAF, Lee, gronkpan. Additional linkage
and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke. subjlols via Al Fox.
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We were going to do the "What is small, brown
and very relieved? Stephen Gately's gerbil."
joke but what with all the shit going down with
the vile, nasty and homophobic article from Jan
Moir at The Daily Mail we've pulled it.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
