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This Week:
* SCARY - Man dressed as bat
* SPACKY - 2-frame animations
* QUIZ - with Quizipedia

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     "We're copyrighting 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     the lols... together"

B3ta email 404 - 13 NOV 2009

Now available on WAP:

           Subs:  [email protected]
        Suggs:  [email protected]

  Hardest hockey shot ever!
  "Sporting disasters don't get much better than
  this - thankfully someone was on hand with a
  camera to record it for internet lulz."

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then "talk" to us.


  CSI, 2-frames and a bucket of shit
  >> CSI Enhancer <<
  "Now you can enhance any image with the
  advanced technology seen in CSI!" proclaims
  Bobsworth. Of course, "if you're familiar with
  CSI, you should know that enhancing involves
  typing quickly while saying 'Enhance'."

  >> Spacky Facebook animations <<
  "I always get a giddy rush every time I find
  two Facebook photos that were taken seconds
  apart," gushes Reverend Dan. "I can spend
  literally minutes just flicking back and forth
  between pictures and giggling like a Japanese
  schoolgirl. I want this to be a hub for
  two-frame spackiness:"

  >> Bucket of Shit <<
  Joel's joyful panda sings how much he enjoys
  collecting turds. It's nice to see someone
  happy in their work.


  Teenage Crushes Pt2

  Last week we asked for the teenage crushes
  that still make you go wobbly at the knees:

  * LACEY - "I've known her for five odd years.
   We've always been good friends. She was and
   is perfect. Stunning, funny, clever, great
   taste in music and she doesn't take the piss
   like everyone else does about the fact I lurve
   Deal or No Deal. I've always fancied the pants
   off her. Always. You know when you deny it to
   yourself, and tell yourself you don't, but
   deep down, despite not even admitting it inside,
   you can't stop thinking about someone? That
   was me. Six months ago, give or take, I finally
   managed to confront my feelings. I was head
   over heels and thought about her all day every
   day. She dropped me a text one afternoon that
   simply said "I'm coming over, I want to see you
   x". Gulp. What the hell did that mean? We
   talked for hours as we were cuddled up on the
   sofa. Then she revealed that she fancied a lad
   a couple months back and he knocked her back.
   She showed me a picture of him on the laptop.
   Nothing special by any means. I told her that
   as I went to get a couple of drinks. "Lacey.
   You're perfect, any man would be the luckiest
   person alive if he had the chance to go out
   with you". She stared at me for a moment, like
   never before. I could see she was looking at me
   like I'd always looked at her. "Well then, who
   do you think I should go out with?" There it
   was. My moment. And you know what? I bottled it.
   I couldn't even tell you what I said because
   I can't remember. All I know was it that was
   some inane drivel. She's going out with an
   idiot now." (Barry from Eastenders)
  * CLASSY - "Erm, you want to talk to a girl, 
   you know, pay her a compliment, make her feel
   special. What the fuck do you say? This is the
   sort of shit that raced through my mind, aged
   twelve, at the school disco when I caught sight
   of Amy Bell, as she bopped merrily away to New
   Kids on the Block, her twelve year old bosom
   heaving against the finest wrinkly acetate of
   her red C & A dress like two eager puppies
   competing for attention. I approached, dry
   mouthed, Amy was fucking lovely. She was
   perfect. A fucking angel. She even used her
   knife AND fork when she was shovelling down her
   school dinners. We're talking posh. Really
   fucking posh. She probably had a butler in her
   semi on the outskirts of Duston, Northampton.
   Amy stopped bopping, she stared at me with her
   quirky lopsided smile. THINK OF A FUCKING
   COMPLIMENT YOU PRICK! My brain ached. I felt
   sick. Too much Tizer, way too many sausage
   rolls and bits of cheddar on cocktail sticks.
   That's when I learned that, whatever you do,
   whatever you say, never ever ever start a
   conversation with a girl you fancy with:
   "Just want to let you know that when I wank
   I'm almost always thinking about you..." a
   sexy pause, maybe raise the eyebrow a little
   a la Roger Moore, then finish with "and
   you're always naked." (SpankyHanky)
  * MONKEY - "I can trace my sexual awakening
   back to when Michaela Strachan had a monkey
   do a piss on her shoulders during The Really
   Wild Show." (ihaveab3tanamenow)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Inspired by Pooster's story of a relative that
  was once sent to the shops to buy an onion,
  only to find the rest of the family had gone on
  a daytrip while he was away, tell us your
  stories of families at war:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> ANSI art show <<
  This stuff is basically old-school underground
  nerd art. With self-imposed technical
  restraints and distinctive aesthetic, it's kind
  of a cross between graffiti and classic console

  >> Quizipedia <<
  Can you guess the Wikipedia article being
  quoted before your time runs out? Genius idea
  for a quick-fire quiz. 

  >> Stormtroopers' day off <<
  Charming stuff, like the Borrowers turned to
  the Dark Side. Tiny Star Wars figurines frolic
  around the house and on the beach. 

  >> Animals with lightsabers <<
  Already bored with animal pics on the web? Time
  to SFX them up.

  >> 'New Beatles album' <<
  Incredible stuff - a Beatles album from a
  parallel dimension where the Fab Four never
  broke up. Or so it says here.


  Don your 2D glasses nowww!

  >> Scary 'bat-man' <<
  Bloke (we assume) dresses up as a bat then goes
  around scaring the absolute crap out of people.
  If you ever doubted how effectively the
  comicbook hero could put the wind up people... 

 >> Epic mascot dance at half-time <<
  Basketball mascot goes way beyond the call of
  duty at a match half-time celebration. Way

  >> Amazing slow-mo water drop <<
  Unless you have some sort of PhD in dropping
  water into a bath, this footage is eye-opening.
  We genuinely didn't know that's what happens.

  >> Hot girls falling over <<
  Titillation turns slapstick. Yes, we would like
  to see more of this please. Surely a win for
  both men and women, combining 'Phwoar' with 'Ha!'


  Next to the naughty step

  * IC NOTTING -  "I took this photo in a Dutch
  eye surgery ward," explains Caustic Armadillo.
  Surely a gag. Surely to goodness.

  * JOHN DICKENBURGER - "There's a woman at my
  company with the same surname," confides
  Chemistry Dan, "But I'd get the boot if I sent
  her in."


  Results from the Fake History Challenge

  Last week we wanted to see how famous 
  historical events were faked

  Your favourites included:
  * EINSTEIN - in which physics' most
    famous equation turns out to be an
    order for lunch (Redsushi! Whoop! 

  * EGYPTIANS - that who built the pyramids
    mystery? Solved, once and for all 
    (Brian O'Blivion )

  * 1966 - England's one moment of 
    footballing glory exposed as a sham 

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Goodies & Baddies <<
  Back in 2003 we ran a classic "when 
  baddies turn good" challenge, and now 
  we're revisiting it. Also welcome are 
  pictures of the opposite, when goodies 
  turn bad. Challenge suggested by 


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * FISH/CHIP THERMODYNAMICS - We asked the best
  way to keep fish and chips warm on the way back
  from the shop. Snitchell tells us to "imagine a
  thermos flask: protected by an air gap - but
  the air cannot flow, and retains its insulating
  properties. Therefore, keep your
  whale-and-tatty treasure under your jumper for
  maximum shop-to-home heat retention." And
  leaving your clothes enticingly aromatic -

  * WINEBOX RESCUE - "Dear b3ta," begins Martin.
  "As you have some influence, can you ask the
  bag-in-box wine producers to create a tear-off
  strip on the cardboard carton to access the
  last 1/2 litre that you have to mutilate the
  box to get? 
  "The market of people who are after this
  product are in no state to be handling sharp
  knives to get at the sweet, sweeeet booze."
  This is an excellent idea, and we have the
  scars to prove it.

  * ANCIENT SHOWBIZ GOSS - The other week's 80s
  Simon Cowell quizshow appearance prompted Camp
  Freddy to get in touch:
  "Back at the end of the 80s/early 90, one of my
  very jobs was working as Simon Cowell's
  secretary. (I then went on to work for Jive
  Bunny so no pity please).

  "Some of the jobs included forging/signing
  Sinitta's photos for fans and taking his
  Porsche to the garage for a service. I also
  somehow got an invite to Simon's brother
  Nicholas' wedding, prob cos I was quite
  friendly with the bride.

  "Which leads me to the video - Simon's
  sister-in-law had her boobs done and tried to
  become a dolly on quiz shows. I spotted her
  bringing Simon onto the show at the very
  beginning so I suspect that she was the reason
  that he was on the show. I wonder if they had a
  sudden cancellation and put Simon in their
  place - it certainly wasn't in his character
  then to be on a quiz show. And it was extra
  funny that he didn't want to spend any money on
  the show - clearly thought it was all crap!"
  Hahaha - love it! We could be like popbitch in

  * SPANX CHALLENGE - TDub boasts, "I am proud to
  report I squoze my 22 stone and 12 pound ass
  into 4 pairs of the same size, but then I
  stopped breathing so I had to quit."
  Impressive, but where are the photos, dude (or
  lady)? Please send pics to brighten the day of
  b3ta wife Lucy!

  * SWEARY MORSE CODE - "The Morse code mp3 from
  last week's newsletter that spells cuntflaps?"
  inquires sandettie light vessel automatic. "I
  put it on my phone as the SMS ringtone. I was
  in Asda earlier and Mrs SLVA sent me a text, my
  phone beeped furiously sweary and I heard
  someone in the next aisle say 'I can hear a
  B3tan!' It made my day." Yay! And in case you
  missed it - that mp3 link again:

  * UNIQUE CHILD NAME THINGY - We asked for a way
  of helping a child to google searchrank sucess,
  without burdening them with a name like
  'Jackkkkkque'. "This site comes pretty close to
  what you want," offers Leigh. "Stick in your
  surname and a forename and it'll tell you how
  many other people are likely to have the same
  combo. Apparently I'm unique in the UK, but I
  knew that anyway!"


  Small Worlds
  "Sea Dave has made this wonderful, melancholic
  pixely game about exploring," boasts
  stallion_explosion. "It won the cgdc6
  competition, which means Sea Dave is the most
  awesome person on the planet." The aim of the
  game is simply to look everywhere until you
  find the exit to the next level.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * KATEY OR ZOOEY? - "Zooey Deschanel and Katy
  Perry both look pretty fucking similar, don't
  you think? Why don't you get someone to do one
  of those picture quizzes where we have to guess
  who is who?" (smokinfish) Yes! This could have
  a song, 'Katy or Zooey - do know knowy - can
  you tell, which one's Deschanel?'

  * RECYCLING CONSPIRACY? "I believe that my
  painstakingly-sorted recycling is being carted
  off and buried in the nearest hole in the
  ground. I once got up before 11 o'clock and saw
  the council pick it up in a regular bin lorry.
  As conspiracy theories go this isn't the
  grandest, but I just want to know the truth.
  Any whistleblowers out there?"
  * WAR MEMORIAL MAPPER - "I saw a news report
  today saying that the government does not know
  how many war memorials there are in the UK and
  where they are. Perhaps some cleverer b3tans
  than I, could set up some Google Maps type
  mash-up and get people to plot war memorials on
  a map. Then the government would have no excuse
  in maintaining them properly!" (babadman)

  * TWITTER-SHITTER - "See how many people you
  can get following your toilet habits in the
  stylee of the Big Ben tweets. I want tweets on
  when you go, how big it was, consistancy, and
  extra marks for links to a pic. Nothing more,
  nothing less." (Mong the Merciless)

  * ACTOR DEATH-PREDICTOR - "I'm wondering if any
  of the b3ta code wizards could somehow come up
  with a web site which shows how many
  in-movie-death roles an actor had leading up to
  their real life death, and by extrapolation,
  predict which actor will snuff it next? My
  money is on Jack Nicholson." (Gingey)

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by sancelle, Lord_Munkee and
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Mitochondrians to b4ta. (brackets)
  subjlols via dvstec808.



  Thanks again to everybody who came to the first
  ever Sickipedia comedy night. It was excellent
  fun with some really good acts. If you missed
  it, top camera guy Joe Rigby videoed
  proceedings and here are four of the 
  evening's highlights:  

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