NEWSLETTER: "BETTER THAN A POKE IN THE EYE WITH A SHARP STIFFY"
This Week:
* KUNT - Royal Wedding No 1 bid
* WEEBL - Doing more badger shit. Really.
* US! - On Her Majesty's BBC Radio 4
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're enslaving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta I'll have an email please bob 472 -25 3 2011
Wear this newsletter as a cyber-hat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue472/
Cheese: [email protected]
Riots: [email protected]
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: A SPONSORED LINKY DON'T YOU THINKY
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>> Sponsor B3ta, go on! <<
Tattoo your logo on our face and we'll walk down
Oxford Street smiling like a cretin:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
other than makin' whoopee cushions
>> Badger Dubstep<<
"Guess I Got My Badger Back," sings Jonti. In a
scary, dubstep stylee. "Everything should go
dubstep."
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Guess+I+got+My+B...
>> I Spot Internet Hoaxes <<
What's the stupidest bullshit you've been told
by someone on the internet? E4 asked your
newsletter team investigate and tell you why
everything is WRONG, in our top 30 internet
hoaxes - featuring kitten abuse, bogus deaths
and imaginary games characters.
http://www.e4.com/wtf/internet-hoax/index.html
>> Contribute to the world's biggest to-do list <<
"Procrastinators unite!" cries radical k. "Ever
wanted to know what people all over the world
really should be doing while they are visiting
sites like this? Now is your chance!" A stirring
speech and an interesting idea:
http://www.kevinstrater.com/to-do/
>> Peter's Dolphin <<
"Hi dude," spurts Joel Veitch, skipping
backwards across the azure waves on his graceful
flippers. "Little Peter Sutcliffe is the
luckiest boy in Yorkshire, because his best
friend is a magical dolphin!"
http://b3ta.com/links/Peters_Dolphin
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: B3TA ON RADIO 4
The rapture has started
Your favourite Ginger Fuhrer shares a bill with
Richard Dawkins, with a couple of appearances in
this BBC documentary about interweb memes.
There's a bit of stuff about the Great Virgin
Credit Card Fiasco and, we were rapidly and
gleefully informed by kinks, "they mentioned my
pic!"
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/console/b00zlk03/What...
And here's "that" image:
http://goo.gl/nho2g
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: KUNT'S ROYAL WEDDING VID
"Gonna unleash the royal wedding vid today,"
confides Kunt. "Please help us punt it out there
and create a right royal stink!"
Yes, Kunt is back at his chart-bothering
shenanigans. "With 'use my arsehole' we finished
up selling about 3000 in the week it went to
66," he continues. "Any other week that would be
round about the top 40 so, the way I see it, if
we generate the same amount of interest and
enthusiasm as last time it will go top 40. Then
Radio 1 have to decide whether to play it or ban
it and I think the answer to that is pretty
obvious."
Having seen this extremely NSFW vid we're now
starting to wish we hadn't agreed to champion
this Kunt and the Gang campaign. Oh well, in for
a penny...
http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/5fa6
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Awesome Teachers
Last week we asked for the teachers that you
still remember fondly. Or fondled:
http://b3ta.com/questions/awesometeachers/
* "Dr P taught us the basics of DNA using
fizzy laces, jelly beans and toothpicks and
the theory of dilution using farts, and 'fart
atoms.' But his best moment came one afternoon
walking past the sports field. The PE teacher
was shouting at the largest, most unfit kid.
When he tripped and the PE teacher burst out
laughing, adding more condescending comments,
Dr P casually shouted, 'At least he's not
fucking the librarian,' before carrying
on into the science building. It turned out
to be true, spread around the school like
wildfire, his wife found out and the last I heard
the PE teacher had been fired and was living
at home with his parents."
(eggs and spam)
* "A friend of my folks was brother-in-law to
my Year 9 maths teacher, from whom I get this
story. One fine day in the past, 'Mr Smith' comes
into his morning maths lesson. One of those old
roll-down blackboards sits at the front of the
classroom. Smith rolls it down to find 'Mr Smith
is a cunt' scrawled across it in huge letters.
Smith goes absolutely apeshit, informs class
that they are staying there until someone comes
into his office and owns up to it. With that,
he leaves the stunned class in silence and goes
to wait in his office next door. According to
his brother-in-law, Smith wrote it himself as
he was hungover and couldn't be arsed to teach."
(Cylon Bum Raider)
* "My 6th form careers advisor was called Peter
Niskin, or as it was written, P Niskin. Perhaps
his careers advisor should have told him avoid a
profession dedicated to sniggering idiot
teenagers." (Galahad)
>> This Week: Nights out gone wrong <<
In celebration of the woman who went out for
a quiet drink with friends after work and
ended up half-naked, kicking a copper in the
nads and threatening to smear her own shit
over hospital staff... how have your best-laid
plans ended in woe?
http://b3ta.com/questions/nightsoutgonewrong/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Nazi spoons<<
Do you love spoons? What about Nazis? Then
you're in luck! Why not buy the book
"Collectible Spoons of the 3rd Reich"? BTW: We
cribbed this link from a rather strange Radio 4
documentary about the extraordinary number of
books about the Nazis that are published each
year, which we found by typing 'nazi' into
iPlayer. Next week we might try 'porn'.
http://goo.gl/fhuSo
>> 1930s Newspapers Just Like Today Shock! <<
Newspapers from the 30s - what were they like?
Turns out to be the usual mix of misogyny,
racism and mad diet supplements they still serve
up today. Best bits include: the £60 car that
comes Hitler-approved, and the secret of
slimming - Cider.
http://goo.gl/SUrJP
>> Trolling Facebook photos <<
Remember the guy who wrote the HUGE complaint
letter to Richard Branson? Well he also likes to
edit his friend's Facebook photos and put them
back up on Facebook. It's great to see the
progression from gentle tweaking, to the
friend's snapping point and eventually a full
breakdown.
http://www.oliandalex.com/james-face/
>> Music made by dead bloke <<
Great musicians and long life don't seem to go
hand in hand very often. You just need to look
at Cliff Richard for proof of that. This is the
sad and touching story of Graham March, aka
Desimal, a musician from Canada who also
suffered from schizophrenia. In 2006 he
committed suicide, but that hasn't stopped his
music living on. His family and friends have
put up his tracks for free. We enjoyed in
particular the aptly-named "Afterlife".
http://www.grahammarch.com/index.php
http://grahammarch.com/mp3/music/songs/Afterlife.m...
>> Best Supermarket Fails <<
Imagine if like somebody on the internet
crowd-sourced all the sort of funny/rubbish
things you see in supermarkets. You don't have
to imagine, as this is 2011 and it's here in
your browser. WOO HOO!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/supermarkets
>> ZX81 with an SD card <<
30 years old this year, the ZX81 was the first
computer your B3ta staff ever owned. We used it
to made a blocky animation of a dog doing a
shit. And now we run B3ta - nothing changes,
except ZX81s now have SD card ports. Nice.
http://is.gd/syR932 (eBay)
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Now available on your internet enabled fridge
>> iPad 2 / Garageband <<
We really really really want an iPad 2. We'd
totally talked ourselves out of it but then we
saw the Garageband demo. We now totally have a
fantasy of sneaking into a forest at the dead of
night and recording a concept album about night
stalkers:
http://goo.gl/DqzT1
>> Rebecca Black for the win <<
Rebecca Black, best known for ruining Twitter
trend lists, gets re-interpreted by the Bad Lip
Reading team, who scrubbed the audio from her
original track 'Friday' and overdubbed it with
any words that would fit. Funny.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
>> "Moth joke" <<
Here's a lesson in comedy. You have your setup
line and your punchline. The more work you can
do twisting and turning your setup, the bigger
the laugh you can get from the end bit. Maybe.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Banned University of Lincoln commercial <<
Zombies were rad when Dawn Of The Dead was still
a cult movie (the 1978 original, not the crappy
2004 remake). But then Shaun Of The Dead came
along and every other dink in the universe
slapped on gore make-up and rendered zombies the
tiredest shit ever. The only thing more boring
than zombies are those university recruitment
ads, usually featuring a bunch of swots reading
books under a tree on a sunlit campus. So it's
weird that a combination of the two lamest
things in the world could work together to
produce something witty and watchable. Check out
the banned University of Lincoln commercial:
http://goo.gl/AMFZb
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Threeway kebab action
* TINY COX - Quite fitting he should be a
'Member' of the Senate.
http://goo.gl/s2pOk
* BUILDERS LOLS - they love doing the erection
joke just as much as handymen like saying
"fancy a screw?"
http://www.quickfixscaffolding.com/
* SAY IT OUT LOUD - Mr Neversoft writes, "I was
reading the BBC News website when it linked to
an article on the website for "Proceedings of
the National Academy of Sciences" The only
problem is how to pronounce the URL"
http://www.pnas.org
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Olympic Challenge
Last week we wanted you to picture the
Internet Olympics. Your favourites included:
* WOW - historic kamikaze gaming manoeuvre
makes its way to the pool. (Afinkawan)
http://b3ta.com/board/10366728
* POTCH - endurance sport reaches a new,
horrific pinnacle. (HappyToast)
http://b3ta.com/board/10364889
* SPEED - fat pipe advantage pays dividends
in sprint event. (the peevish djinn)
http://b3ta.com/board/10365709
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/internetolympics/
>> New challenge: Cheese! <<
It's a magnificent one-word challenge.
It's tasty, tasty curdled milk. Do with
it what you will. It's CHEESE. Challenge
suggested by Smash Monkey, Drimble_W and
stereoroid
http://b3ta.com/challenge/cheese/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SICKIPEDIA GETS A BBC MENTION - Christ knows
why anyone at the BBC thinks this is a good
idea, we suspect a conspiracy to make the Beeb
look shit so Murdoch can move in and asset strip.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-12775389
* DAILY MAIL DO OUR NAUGHTY SHOP CHALLENGE - but
credit Facebook instead of us. The shits. Still,
'supermarket scrabble' is a better name.
http://goo.gl/QapBc (Daily Nazi)
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/naughtyshop/popular/
* THREE CHEERS FOR PARSNIP CAKE - cat_the_dentist
writes, "parsnip cake is utterly delicious and
x2 as gooey sweet and moist as its poorer cousin,
the carrot cake. Give it a go, although I don't
normally do a thick icing, just a little lemon
juice and icing sugar drizzle. Yum." Next week
can you try turnip cake please?
http://uktv.co.uk/food/recipe/aid/514249
* KATE / HARRY MUG DOBBED IN - anon writes,
"It's a side project by one of the creatives at
my agency (Leo Burnett London) - he chose the
name 'Guandong' as a reference to the Guangdong
company that are famed for shite knock-offs. But
you didn't hear that from me."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* FACEBOOK ANONS - MeekMan asks, "Wouldn't it be
great if there was an option on Facebook to make
a post anonymously. That way, your friends would
know that SOMEONE they knew had said something,
but not exactly who. Things like 'She's only
marrying you for a passport, Rick' or 'Your new
jacket makes you look like a dick, Sam'." Or
indeed, "Jesus Christ John! You're visibly
swelling in each and every photo I see. Stop
self-medicating your misery with food and visit
a doctor and tell them you're depressed."
* GAYPORNIFY - chavyboy writes, "Hi - just
wondering if there's a site where you can upload
a small picture of a friend's face, and it will
be automatically photoshopped into some lovely
gay porn? You know, for teh lulz and that. I
can't believe that such a thing does not exist,
but if I am correct, it seems that B3ta is the
place to suggest such a thing."
* A BROWSER PLUGIN THAT SHOWS YOU WHICH
POLITICAL PRESSURE GROUP SOURCED WHICH STORY -
like all the shit the Taxpayers' Alliance get
into the papers about 'fat cat' teaching staff,
so they can help prepare the ground for the
wholesale privatisation of education.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @cr3, Sonny_Jim,
Bootsthealchemist, Scrambled Edd, Mr.Neversoft,
Vulva, BrokenCoccyx, mrandrist, Peter Davison,
@simonth, Tribs. Top Tippery by sandettie light
vessel automatic. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Additional writing via @tomdavenport,
@giant_squid, @AlexDRobertson , James Stedman,
dominic tunon, @RadioVicky, Simon Guerrero and
Rob Walton.
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TOP TIP:
Got a potted cactus? Rather than watering on a
daily basis, give it seasons by soaking it for
about 36 hours and then don't water it at all
for 2 months. When you water it again after the
dry season, it will visibly swell. Each wet
season will make it grow more than just a daily
watering would. Also, watering it daily will
kill it.
