This Week: * RIOTS - Lots of stuff about them * FEAR - The many faces of George Osborne * BEARDS - Shaving in reverse ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're arguing amongst ___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | ourselves and not pulling __/____/____/\__/_/ |_| together... together" B3ta dick splash 491 - 12 Sextilis 2011 Read this issue in your browser: http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue491/ Prole feed: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Memory hole: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK The Evolution and Design of the Personal Computer Do you dream of having your own shed of old computers but know that it would mean divorce? This is the next best thing, a book of 100s of photos of lovely old retro kit, and small enough so you can hide it from the your partner in case they think it's a bit sad. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/190470539... >> Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Beatboxing, Bullingdon and Blood >> Supermassive Raver vs the Riots << A change of pace from Supermassive Raver, as he tours the riot-ravaged streets with beatboxer Killa Kela. Rather lovely. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> An Open Letter to David Cameron's Parents << "Hello," says a stern Nathan Tapely. "I've written an angry and intemperate thing. Some of you might like it. Many, I suspect, will not." Well-put take on the double standards of this whole big mess. http://wp.me/pOSWr-9v >> Tiny Chainsaw << On a completely different note, "I've got a tiny chainsaw in my pocket," screams Joel Veitch. "It's easy to start it but it's hard to stop it! Butters done an animation for my song about my chainsaw innit geez." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tiny_Chainsaw ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Annoying Partners Hell is other people. Fucking Hell is living with them. We asked just how hard can it be?: http://b3ta.com/questions/annoyingpartners/ * KNOB - "I don't have a lot of experience with Cavaliers... most of my boyfriends have been Roundheads. So I don't know if this happens a lot, but my ex's cock used to stink (and taste) of the piss under his foreskin. I tried suggesting that he wash before oral sex but he said it made him feel like he was visiting a hooker to be asked. I would therefore take a massive mouthful of squash before going down to dilute the taste. He thought I was doing it to be sexy. No, just to not boak. He would also accept a blowy in complete and utter silence (it was unnerving, I thought I was maybe doing it wrong) until the moment of impending crisis when he'd go, "that's it, that's it, that's it, you've got it." EVERY SINGLE TIME THE SAME WORDING. Oh and once after he'd blown his beans I realised he'd left a skidmark on the sofa. Why did I ever shitcan him? What a keeper." (Sallyrsm) * PERFECT - "My love is honestly without fault. She's sexy - I could watch her for hours, and frequently do. She's practical - she can do things many women can't. Change locks, for example. She's rich - she can afford a new phone every few weeks, it's difficult to keep track of her number to be honest. She's adventurous - she walks a different way to work and home every evening. She's independent - she pretends that she doesn't need me around all the time. She's funny - she got the police to tell me to keep away as a joke. She's perfect in every way." (scarpe) * PARP - "If your partner is a bit on the wobbly side ... never, ever, ever wedge your arse up to one of her buttocks while she's sleeping and use it as a resonator for a good, juicy, ripping fart. The sound is deeply rewarding but you'll find just how quickly someone can go from "peacefully sleeping" to "dementedly homicidal" And it's bloody difficult to dodge when you're laughing as much as I was." (ubergeekian) >> This Week's Question - First Rude Thing << Hedge porn, babysitters' bums or naughty seaside attractions? What was the first time you realised that there was more to life than sweet shops and Friday night TV?: http://b3ta.com/questions/firstrudething/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Weird Twitter parody << Heello is a Twitter clone but made for lols where a fake @ev gives away iPods etc. Worth nosing around for the sheer wtf value. http://waxy.org/2011/08/helloo_is_twitter_for_fake... >> George Osborne << Osborne is the fuckwit in charge of our economy. His job is very easy: do what he's told by his city chums & don't talk to the press in case he gets caught out for not knowing the difference between a stock and a bond. Anyway, a couple of Tumblrs for you. http://themanycumfacesofgeorgeosborne.tumblr.com/ http://georgeosbornelookingevil.tumblr.com/ >> Black & white WTF << Because stupid comedy photos and mental press stunts aren't just a feature of the modern world. http://blackandwtf.tumblr.com/ >> How to decorate your university room << Some young people aren't poor and dispossessed. Some are the kids of the elite who'll be ruling us in 10 to 20 years' time. This is a Telegraph story pitched at their mums. Extraordinary stuff. http://t.co/P2feZtR >> Right wing extremists tricked by free t-shirts << It's not exactly clamping down on them in a very tough way but a pretty good idea nonetheless. Can you find away of doing the same to our own right-wing extremists - like Michael Gove? http://www.dw-world.de/dw/article/0,,15305581,00.h... >> Creepiest iPhone accessory yet << A child's hand to hold while you look up porn on your iPhone. http://bit.ly/n6NbXL ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Vimeo killed the video star >> 2000watts of speaker power - in your room << Is this a good idea? Really? Yes, it's amazing. http://goo.gl/5c86e >> Hello again, lovely beard << Impressive facial hair sacrificed in the name of making a cool video. http://goo.gl/EyyE8 >> Best. ComicCon. Costume. Ever. << If you don't get it, google QWOP. http://t.co/7Qq68fO >> Korean kids bang on things << Three small children show off amazing percussion skills, led by a little girl on a xylophone. That or they are all being worked via thin strings from above. bit.ly/gTmsk3 >> Terry Gilliam shows you how << Terry Gilliam is the Godfather of all crappy internet animations ever. Here's some great footage from 1974, as he shows you how he makes his cut-outs. http://goo.gl/52Vo0 >> Nyan Man << What has been seen cannot be unseen. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nyan_Man ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Niche camera marketing Let's hope they find a gap in the market. Etc. http://bit.ly/pLgMfo ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Safety Poster Challenge Last week we wanted you to create safety posters for absurd scenarios Your favourites included: * FORCE - safety is paramount at the Jedi swimming pool (Captain Howdy) http://b3ta.com/board/10499571 * WRESTLING - inferno warning for fans attending Summer Slam (jabells) http://b3ta.com/board/10499398 * DANCE - useful advice from Men Without Hats (Joe Scaramanga) http://b3ta.com/board/10497875 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/safetyposters/ >> New challenge: Future Law << What the UK needs is a hero. So open up Photoshop, and show us your ideas for the future of law enforcement. Challenge suggested by The Great Architect. http://b3ta.com/challenge/futurelaw/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SWEDE MASON #37 IN THE CHARTS - Yay! Well done to all of us, and especially Swede Mason himself, as Buttery Biscuit Base is officially better than Jessie J and Snow Patrol. http://www.theofficialcharts.com/singles-chart/ And for those who need more of a Swede fix, here's an interview with the man himself, by Victor Adebobo. http://www.herculesmoments.co.uk/2011/08/interview... * THE "TRUTH" ABOUT THAT RIOT CLEAN-UP PIC - You've all seen that post-riot photo of Clapham with all the brooms held aloft in a slightly WWII poster kind of way. "I was there!" rambles Rob Manuel. "Here's what was really going on." FYI he's the redhead in the centre of the frame, slightly obscured by the guy with dreads. https://plus.google.com/117394585037652877373/post... * 10 YEARS OF B3TA? - Fnord writes, "On Friday October 14th, 2011 it will be Newsletter 500. On that day Spacefish will be exactly 10 years old in B3ta terms. As far as the current board goes the first message goes back to 12th September so I guess that's the 'official' 10 year mark. I know there's been the odd newsletter break otherwise 52 x 10 years and we would have reached 500 earlier. A great achievement in both respects." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include: * "Has anyone translated that Japanese Horse Racing game yet?", writes @Jerromes "I'm desperate to play it myself - another newsletter appeal please?" * Can we start a new social network? Run it from a pirate ship. Swap the IP every hour for anti-blocking. Retain no data in event of court orders. Call it TWITTAARRRRRRRR! * Sell the Tories/Met a load of old vibrators but call them BBM blockers. Bzzzt. * Imagine if sausages had foreskins that could be tugged backwards and forwards until they released delicious gravy. That. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. I know a man called Gary Barlow. He grew fat because he didn't walk far-o. He orders mars bars from Ocardo. Poor old Gary Barlow-a-lardo. Stuff sent in by @JohnMoynes, DaveExclamationMark, Faceburger, tokyo_sexwhale, mattround, Mr_Kipling_, DaveExclamationMark, @ereuben, @TomChivers, @Jolph, artifus, @paulhardman, 6 a.m. Martini, @wearetado and Lord Manley who we forgot to mention the other week and he posted angry tweets about it. We're sorry. We love you. Oh and Butters. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via The Great Architect ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: When using a public toilet, grab a handful of toilet paper and wipe the seat. The benefits of this are three-fold: 1: You have already established that there is enough bog roll to accommodate you 2: You may have wiped disease-ridden piss off the seat, saving expensive medical costs later 3: Your stool now has a soft landing, helping to eliminate the dreaded 'splashback'. Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device - Asda toilets - Bradford. (Frample Tromwibbler)
