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This Week:
* HOVERBOARDS - Quantum levitation
* STONE ROSES - on University Challenge
* TEENAGE MUTANT - Ninja Noses

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're selling your     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     data to the FBI
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|         together"

B3ta email 501 - 21 Oct 2011

Print this issue out and post it to your mum:

       Hug:  [email protected]
     Unhug:  [email protected]

  Life-size cardboard David Cameron cut-out

  Amazon is selling  a life size David Cameron cut
  out that they describe as "suitable for kid's
  bedrooms". Some people must really hate their

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Porn, Stone Roses, Angry Birds

  >> Dan Bull's Thoughts on Porn <<
  HappyToast has teamed up to make a vid with
  rapper and porn enthusiast Dan Bull. "It
  features bums, willies and boobs while
  discussing the pros and cons of stuff you touch
  yourself to," explains HappyToast. "Hope you
  like it." NSFW if you are a cartoon character.

  >> University Challenge: The Stone Roses <<
  "Thought this would be worth a mish-mash,"
  explains Pig Face Turnip, as seminal Manchester
  pop group The Stone Roses make their University
  Challenge debut.

  >> Discovering Angry Birds <<
  "My boy has discovered the iPad, and with it,
  Angry Birds," writes Sacamacamojo II. "So I
  showed him how to play it; didn't expect this
  reaction though..."


  The B3TA Detective Agency

  Last week we asked about the little mysteries
  you'd finally solved, or that still have you
  scratching your head.

  * MAGIC WALLET - "Driving my cousin home one
  Friday night we passed a group of boys walking
  into town. One of them drew our attention as he
  was dancing like a tit, with his pals laughing.
  Unbeknownst to him, as he was doing this, his
  wallet fell out his back pocket. My cousin
  suggested we turn around and see what was in it.
  By the time we got there, the boys were nowhere
  to be seen and the area was deserted. After some
  searching we found the wallet which contained
  just 20 pounds, cards and a ticket to a gig that
  night. We decided to find the boys and give it
  back, laughing at how surprised he would be to
  be approached and handed his own wallet. But
  then a much funnier idea came to us. First we
  drove around until we spotted them. Then,
  knowing they were heading in to town through a
  quiet industrial area, we drove about a quarter
  of a mile ahead. We then placed the wallet on
  the pavement right in their path and hid to
  watch them approach, say 'Hey! That's someone's
  wallet over there,' walk up to it, pick it up
  excitedly, open it looking for riches and
  inexplicably discover it was theirs. The
  absolute confusion and surprise was hilarious to
  watch. I like to think they still talk about how
  one of their wallets somehow jumped ahead of
  them." (craigix)
  * PFFFFT - "I'd long wondered why, as a human,
  Mrs Kite can produce loud, ripping botty burps,
  but dogs just produce a face-melting stink with
  minimal noise. Then one day it came to me;
  buttocks! Dogs have no buttocks to be parted and
  slapped back together when the gas escapes,
  whereas humans do! And they say I waste my
  time." (kitescreech)
  * STICKY - "Aha! The sticky strip on pantie
  liners is for sticking them to the panties! I'd
  been married several years before spotting a
  discarded pair and having this particular
  Damascene revelation. Previously I had wondered
  about the hair problem but simply figured that
  it was just one of those things that women put
  up with for the sake of a 'good seal'."

  >> This Week's Question - Internet Meet-ups <<
  Have you ever had a real-life meet with somebody
  you first knew from the internet? How did it go?
  How long until the Asbo expires? Talk to us here:


  Hoodies with dinosaur hoods
  Old school b3tan @mothdust has started an
  awesome business selling the most fantastic
  clothing idea ever. Hoodies with spikes on so
  you look like a cute dinosaur. Who doesn't want
  to look like a cute dinosaur?


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> The future? <<
  3D printing is mind bending. As a consumer
  technology it's either a novelty or useful for
  those who need to prototype designs but imagine
  the future: no production, just magic boxes that
  make stuff when you pour in raw materials. This
  would truly be the post-industrial society. Or a
  new hell where the police shoot you for
  downloading the pirated plans of a fridge.

  >> Teenage Mutant Ninja Noses << 
  The logical conclusion of the entire internet.
  Until the next logical conclusion.

  >> Collaborate music thing <<
  Only works in Chrome and all the music sounds
  the same but still, fun. Imagine how good this
  could be one day. When we're all jamming 
  together on GarageBand 15, to a rocking version
  of We Are The World, sitting in our cages, alone.

  >> Occupy the internet <<
  Should you wish to do some occupying but can't
  face the whole tent thing then you need a
  cyber-occupation. Here's some animated gifs
  occupying the Barclays Bank website. Is this
  satire on the ineffectiveness of the occupy
  movement? Or a genuinely subversive idea?
  Arguments could be made that it's both.

  >> Someone fancies Jeremy Hunt <<
  ... and is using Flickr to collect pics of him
  in groups called things like "Guys Butts in
  clothes". Takes all sorts.

  >> Food mixer double dildo <<
  @TheNatFantastic writes, "I gave a lot of
  thought to the... internal mechanics of the
  second one but I can't figure it out. Looks
  painful in a bad way."


  Like Vimeo but called Youtube

   >> Swearing Periodic Table <<
  Respect to Modern Toss for building this - it's
  like Buffy's Swearing Keyboard but real and from a
  1970s Soviet nuclear power station.

  >> Steve Ballmer. Bill Gates. Night at the Roxbury <<
  Minds blown. Have we broken through into an
  alternate timeline?

  >> Quantum levitation <<
  The link we've been sent the most this week -
  some manner of sorcery locks the wee disc in
  position as it circulates the track. Can
  hoverboards be far off now? (As long as they're
  supercooled and all pavements are sheathed in

  >> Shatner's Bohemian Rhapsody <<
  RIP Bill Shatner, is all we can say. Presumably
  he's died and they've stuck his cold, dead face
  in the sky as a sort of unpleasant tribute. Worth
  a look as a missed opportunity.

  >> Motormouth Jones vs Led Zeppelin <<
  The weird mouth-noise guy from Police Academy
  tackles Whole Lotta Love, with surprisingly
  thrilling results.


  Consistently not funny since 1978

  * CAN YOU DIG IT? Simple, but effective,
  smart-ass signage.

  * DISTURBING WHOVIA - "Am I the only parent
  slightly concerned by the free gift in their
  child's Dr Who magazine this week?" asks


  Results from 'What would Jesus do?'

  Last week we wanted you to get shoppy with the
  big J. 

  Your favourites included:
  * JESUS AT IKEA - apparently he'd have similar
  troubles to us mere mortals. (maiden)

  * WALKING ON WATER - he's such a bastard.
  (Fresh Water Mole)

  * LAST MCSUPPER - rather tragic really. (Fresh
  Water Mole)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: News into Computer Games <<
  Take any story from the news and turn it into a
  fun game. Thanks to Monkeon for the idea.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * DON'T YOU WORRY SONG - a few weeks back we
  asked you to submit clips of you arsing around
  for a pop video. It has been made and Ash
  writes, "the whittled-down result is here to
  watch. Could you, if you have time and
  sufficient good will, mention it please?" And if
  you want a good reason to bother clicking then
  it does have a very pretty female singer.
  Which is how to make your project popular - get
  someone attractive to front it. David Cameron
  was picked for his sexy looks; Ed Miliband less
  so. The implications of that being worrying.

  * BYE BYE VALIN - a thread of love for the
  boarder who died recently. 

  * SETUP BEAT PUKE - for the last year or so our
  /talk board has been campaigning for this comic
  to be featured in the newsletter. On the basis
  that it might make some of them drop their pizza
  in surprise, here it is:


  Close your eyes and find your way

  Shut your eyes now. Do it. Think of a place to
  go, say the toilet and feel your way there.
  Points for not falling down the stairs - but
  this isn't a game you can win, it's just about
  the experience of navigating the world
  differently and exploring how your brain creates
  a map of 3D space with or without visual input.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include, ah fuck
  it, this week have some random TV pitches off
  the top of our head:

  * REAL LIFESWAP - tv show where David Cameron
  has to live in a slum. Forever. Not just 2
  weeks. Cameras visit every 7 years see his
  misery. No stunts. Cameron just has to live like
  many people do, desperately clinging on to some
  kind of existence with no escape but death.

  * PARIAH - celeb fake outs himself as something
  beyond the pale in contemporary society; a
  racist, a paedophile or saying the word "mong" a
  lot. Film the media hoohah from the inside.

  * ROYAL WEDDING - get Royal Cigarettes to
  sponsor a wedding every week. The participants
  could be crowned the Smo King and the Smo Queen.
  Oh I don't know.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Lovers:  [email protected]
  Twatty haters:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by (or nicked from)
  lakey, @Neilmajor, Kellyszero, @Simon_Pegg,
  Blaketown_, @stavvers, @mattround, leonie.brown,
  @merlinharries, @editorialgirl, @Marwood
  Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser
  Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols 
  via emvee.

  Pretty ladies on the bus wearing low-cut blouses
  and short skirts Sit upstairs at the front
  right-hand side so that perverts* can sit behind
  you and use the driver's periscope mirror to
  look down your cleavage and at your thighs.
  (* sandettie light vessel automatic)

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