NEWSLETTER: "A GREAT DAY FOR DICTATOR SNUFF FANS"
This Week:
* HOVERBOARDS - Quantum levitation
* STONE ROSES - on University Challenge
* TEENAGE MUTANT - Ninja Noses
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're selling your
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | data to the FBI
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| together"
B3ta email 501 - 21 Oct 2011
Print this issue out and post it to your mum:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue501/
Hug: [email protected]
Unhug: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Life-size cardboard David Cameron cut-out
Amazon is selling a life size David Cameron cut
out that they describe as "suitable for kid's
bedrooms". Some people must really hate their
kids:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003JLT1H...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Porn, Stone Roses, Angry Birds
>> Dan Bull's Thoughts on Porn <<
HappyToast has teamed up to make a vid with
rapper and porn enthusiast Dan Bull. "It
features bums, willies and boobs while
discussing the pros and cons of stuff you touch
yourself to," explains HappyToast. "Hope you
like it." NSFW if you are a cartoon character.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dan_Bulls_Thoughts_on_Po...
>> University Challenge: The Stone Roses <<
"Thought this would be worth a mish-mash,"
explains Pig Face Turnip, as seminal Manchester
pop group The Stone Roses make their University
Challenge debut.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/University_Challenge_The...
>> Discovering Angry Birds <<
"My boy has discovered the iPad, and with it,
Angry Birds," writes Sacamacamojo II. "So I
showed him how to play it; didn't expect this
reaction though..."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Discovering_angry_birds
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The B3TA Detective Agency
Last week we asked about the little mysteries
you'd finally solved, or that still have you
scratching your head.
http://b3ta.com/questions/wearedetective/
* MAGIC WALLET - "Driving my cousin home one
Friday night we passed a group of boys walking
into town. One of them drew our attention as he
was dancing like a tit, with his pals laughing.
Unbeknownst to him, as he was doing this, his
wallet fell out his back pocket. My cousin
suggested we turn around and see what was in it.
By the time we got there, the boys were nowhere
to be seen and the area was deserted. After some
searching we found the wallet which contained
just 20 pounds, cards and a ticket to a gig that
night. We decided to find the boys and give it
back, laughing at how surprised he would be to
be approached and handed his own wallet. But
then a much funnier idea came to us. First we
drove around until we spotted them. Then,
knowing they were heading in to town through a
quiet industrial area, we drove about a quarter
of a mile ahead. We then placed the wallet on
the pavement right in their path and hid to
watch them approach, say 'Hey! That's someone's
wallet over there,' walk up to it, pick it up
excitedly, open it looking for riches and
inexplicably discover it was theirs. The
absolute confusion and surprise was hilarious to
watch. I like to think they still talk about how
one of their wallets somehow jumped ahead of
them." (craigix)
* PFFFFT - "I'd long wondered why, as a human,
Mrs Kite can produce loud, ripping botty burps,
but dogs just produce a face-melting stink with
minimal noise. Then one day it came to me;
buttocks! Dogs have no buttocks to be parted and
slapped back together when the gas escapes,
whereas humans do! And they say I waste my
time." (kitescreech)
* STICKY - "Aha! The sticky strip on pantie
liners is for sticking them to the panties! I'd
been married several years before spotting a
discarded pair and having this particular
Damascene revelation. Previously I had wondered
about the hair problem but simply figured that
it was just one of those things that women put
up with for the sake of a 'good seal'."
(karnuvap)
>> This Week's Question - Internet Meet-ups <<
Have you ever had a real-life meet with somebody
you first knew from the internet? How did it go?
How long until the Asbo expires? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/internetmeets/
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: DINOHOODIE
Hoodies with dinosaur hoods
Old school b3tan @mothdust has started an
awesome business selling the most fantastic
clothing idea ever. Hoodies with spikes on so
you look like a cute dinosaur. Who doesn't want
to look like a cute dinosaur?
http://www.dinohoodie.com
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> The future? <<
3D printing is mind bending. As a consumer
technology it's either a novelty or useful for
those who need to prototype designs but imagine
the future: no production, just magic boxes that
make stuff when you pour in raw materials. This
would truly be the post-industrial society. Or a
new hell where the police shoot you for
downloading the pirated plans of a fridge.
http://www.everythingimakewithmymakerbot.com
>> Teenage Mutant Ninja Noses <<
The logical conclusion of the entire internet.
Until the next logical conclusion.
http://teenagemutantninjanoses.tumblr.com
>> Collaborate music thing <<
Only works in Chrome and all the music sounds
the same but still, fun. Imagine how good this
could be one day. When we're all jamming
together on GarageBand 15, to a rocking version
of We Are The World, sitting in our cages, alone.
http://is.gd/ZjVYg0
>> Occupy the internet <<
Should you wish to do some occupying but can't
face the whole tent thing then you need a
cyber-occupation. Here's some animated gifs
occupying the Barclays Bank website. Is this
satire on the ineffectiveness of the occupy
movement? Or a genuinely subversive idea?
Arguments could be made that it's both.
http://fffff.at/occupy/www.barclays.co.uk
>> Someone fancies Jeremy Hunt <<
... and is using Flickr to collect pics of him
in groups called things like "Guys Butts in
clothes". Takes all sorts.
http://t.co/Ij3Ko39r
>> Food mixer double dildo <<
@TheNatFantastic writes, "I gave a lot of
thought to the... internal mechanics of the
second one but I can't figure it out. Looks
painful in a bad way."
http://www.regretsy.com/2010/11/09/beat-off-nsfw/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like Vimeo but called Youtube
>> Swearing Periodic Table <<
Respect to Modern Toss for building this - it's
like Buffy's Swearing Keyboard but real and from a
1970s Soviet nuclear power station.
http://goo.gl/uBpEq
>> Steve Ballmer. Bill Gates. Night at the Roxbury <<
Minds blown. Have we broken through into an
alternate timeline?
http://bit.ly/qqVD3E
>> Quantum levitation <<
The link we've been sent the most this week -
some manner of sorcery locks the wee disc in
position as it circulates the track. Can
hoverboards be far off now? (As long as they're
supercooled and all pavements are sheathed in
metal)
http://youtu.be/Ws6AAhTw7RA
>> Shatner's Bohemian Rhapsody <<
RIP Bill Shatner, is all we can say. Presumably
he's died and they've stuck his cold, dead face
in the sky as a sort of unpleasant tribute. Worth
a look as a missed opportunity.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/694964
>> Motormouth Jones vs Led Zeppelin <<
The weird mouth-noise guy from Police Academy
tackles Whole Lotta Love, with surprisingly
thrilling results.
http://youtu.be/QxcCC2g1Ke0
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Consistently not funny since 1978
* CAN YOU DIG IT? Simple, but effective,
smart-ass signage.
http://ow.ly/73tu5
* DISTURBING WHOVIA - "Am I the only parent
slightly concerned by the free gift in their
child's Dr Who magazine this week?" asks
meandmybigmouth.
http://pic.twitter.com/gWNPf8yp
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from 'What would Jesus do?'
Last week we wanted you to get shoppy with the
big J.
Your favourites included:
* JESUS AT IKEA - apparently he'd have similar
troubles to us mere mortals. (maiden)
http://b3ta.com/board/10572646
* WALKING ON WATER - he's such a bastard.
(Fresh Water Mole)
http://b3ta.com/board/10574216
* LAST MCSUPPER - rather tragic really. (Fresh
Water Mole)
http://b3ta.com/board/10571584
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/whatwouldjesusdo/
>> New challenge: News into Computer Games <<
Take any story from the news and turn it into a
fun game. Thanks to Monkeon for the idea.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/newsintocomputergames/po...
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* DON'T YOU WORRY SONG - a few weeks back we
asked you to submit clips of you arsing around
for a pop video. It has been made and Ash
writes, "the whittled-down result is here to
watch. Could you, if you have time and
sufficient good will, mention it please?" And if
you want a good reason to bother clicking then
it does have a very pretty female singer.
Which is how to make your project popular - get
someone attractive to front it. David Cameron
was picked for his sexy looks; Ed Miliband less
so. The implications of that being worrying.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* BYE BYE VALIN - a thread of love for the
boarder who died recently.
http://b3ta.com/board/10571833
* SETUP BEAT PUKE - for the last year or so our
/talk board has been campaigning for this comic
to be featured in the newsletter. On the basis
that it might make some of them drop their pizza
in surprise, here it is:
http://alexcomex.tumblr.com
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: FRIDAY GAME
Close your eyes and find your way
Shut your eyes now. Do it. Think of a place to
go, say the toilet and feel your way there.
Points for not falling down the stairs - but
this isn't a game you can win, it's just about
the experience of navigating the world
differently and exploring how your brain creates
a map of 3D space with or without visual input.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include, ah fuck
it, this week have some random TV pitches off
the top of our head:
* REAL LIFESWAP - tv show where David Cameron
has to live in a slum. Forever. Not just 2
weeks. Cameras visit every 7 years see his
misery. No stunts. Cameron just has to live like
many people do, desperately clinging on to some
kind of existence with no escape but death.
* PARIAH - celeb fake outs himself as something
beyond the pale in contemporary society; a
racist, a paedophile or saying the word "mong" a
lot. Film the media hoohah from the inside.
* ROYAL WEDDING - get Royal Cigarettes to
sponsor a wedding every week. The participants
could be crowned the Smo King and the Smo Queen.
Oh I don't know.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Lovers: [email protected]
Twatty haters: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by (or nicked from)
lakey, @Neilmajor, Kellyszero, @Simon_Pegg,
Blaketown_, @stavvers, @mattround, leonie.brown,
@merlinharries, @editorialgirl, @Marwood
Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser
Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols
via emvee.
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TOP TIP:
Pretty ladies on the bus wearing low-cut blouses
and short skirts Sit upstairs at the front
right-hand side so that perverts* can sit behind
you and use the driver's periscope mirror to
look down your cleavage and at your thighs.
(* sandettie light vessel automatic)
