NEWSLETTER: "SHAVE IT OFF, IT GROWS BACK THICKER. I CANT WAIT TO SEE MY NEW WILLY"
This Week:
* MASTERCHEF INNUENDO - In your endo
* GIFTS - Apple catalog 1983
* PLANE LANDING - no front wheels
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | web to make wool.com
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 502 - 28 Oct 2011
Read this issue backwards and summon Lucifer:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue502/
Join: [email protected]
UnJoin: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Nick Clegg toilet seat
Quite why anyone would want the leader of the
Lib Dems on the bog isn't for us to guess, but
we have noticed the phrase "clear yellow water"
cropping up in their policy docs:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004ZQY5N...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Halloween, Innuendos and Filth
>> Postman Pat's PET SEMATARY <<
Just in time for Halloween AND Postman Pat's
30th birthday. "No nudity or too much wanking
but NSFW cause it's a bit violent and sweary for
yer usual Postman twat adventure," growls
leehardcastle.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Postman_Pats_PET_SEMATAR...
>> Celebrity Masterchef - The Top 10 Innuendos! <<
"Bashed this together today cos it's the final
and that," chime Cope&Dalton. It doesn't get
harder than this.
http://goo.gl/5ZuqI
>> Dirty Notes <<
"I have a website," brags landfear, "and I can
track what people are googling to find me. And
since somebody in Lambeth searched for the words
'I like to drink breastmilk' today, I thought
I'd share with you folks what they found."
Basically, she made up the most peculiar, filthy
singles ads, put them on craigslist and
pitilessly documented the results. Brave girl.
http://filthynotesfromstrangers.com/wordpress/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Meeting people from the internet
Last week we wanted to know what happened when
you encountered internet people in real life.
Some of them were sane:
http://b3ta.com/questions/internetmeets/
* OUCH - "In September 2001, I took a series of
trains to the Netherlands. From a rattly South
Eastern to Dover Docks, to the dawdling Belgian
countrysider and the frantic platform-dashing as
the conductor informed me I was going to
Haarlem, not Arnhem, the adventure took most of
the day. I sweatily disembarked 12 hours later
in a sleepy town and cast my eyes around for the
blonde metaller I was supposed to be meeting.
Janneke and I had been chatting online for
nearly 5 years, and with the new-found freedom
of turning 18 I'd figured it was time for a
European jaunt. I hunkered down and waited for
her to arrive. Ten minutes turned to twenty, and
then an hour passed. I was more and more
frantic, wondering what was going on. Was I in
the wrong time zone? Had I got my dates mixed
up? Should I have gone to Haarlem instead? Panic
was properly setting in. I scanned the traffic,
heart racing every time a vehicle pulled up.
Nope, not her. Nope. Nope. This bus? Nope, she's
not on that one either. Fuck. And then I saw a
motorbike, a weedy rasping scooter of a thing,
buzzing down the access road. A petite figure
clad in tight leathers, blond hair streaming
behind her helmet. My heart was pounding. I
stood up in anticipation, and watched as a
homeless man ran out of nowhere, straight into
her path. She swerved, lost it, and gracelessly
slid with the bike into a concrete upright. The
crunch of bone and steel was sickening. They
wouldn't let me into the ambulance since I
wasn't a relative or a friend. Heartbroken and
bloodstained, I took the next train home, and
had to explain to every conductor, the border
guard and my own parents that the bloodstains
and my early return weren't linked in the way
they thought they were." (I helped save b3ta!
Grrrmachine )
* OUCH - "He was my best friend's secret lesbian
lover's boyfriend. We met over the internet
because we got lumped into an IM conversation
organising a party together and found we had a
lot in common. We talked online for weeks, and
discovered we lived practically in sight of each
other: score! So we drank together for most of
our remaining teenage years, laughing at each
other's failings with women and academia in a
haze of cigarette smoke. And then out of nowhere
he tried to forcefully bum me while I was sat on
his bed playing Halo shithoused. And that's why
I don't like Halo." (a gun that fires other,
smaller guns)
* OUCH - "I'm just going out to a gay club with
some guys I met on the internet" was never going
to be an easy sell to Mrs Andrist, but being the
trusting woman that she is, she made no
objection. 8 hours after my first b3ta bash I
arrive home... covered in blood, no lenses in my
glasses, cuts on my various parts of my body and
a huge gash on my chin, which turned out to be a
fractured jaw. I'm now banned from meeting
"fucking b3ta weirdos" (mrandrist)
>> This Week's Question - Racist Grandparents <<
We'd like to hope that older generations are the
last bastions of casual racism, or is it just
the way they express it that shocks? Tell us
your stories and we'll find out:
http://b3ta.com/questions/racistgrandparents/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> £50 photoshops <<
We have a new design coming our way for the VAT
cheat's favourite note. We actually considered
doing this for an image challenge but you silly
billies didn't vote for it, leaving the door wide
open for these bastards:
http://fiftyforfifty.tumblr.com/
>> Awkward poses <<
Lots of models. All looking slightly odd. Still,
you'll probably be able to crack one out.
http://awkwardposes.tumblr.com/
>> Apple gift catalogue <<
Before Apple were cool they were kind of er...
cheesy. And to think Jobs claimed that Bill
Gates had no taste. BTW: Just to spread the
views of dissent we're throwing in an obit from
free software pioneer Richard Stallman that we
love, "Steve Jobs, the pioneer of the computer
as a jail made cool, designed to sever fools
from their freedom, has died."
http://goo.gl/y47SN
>> Groan My IP.com <<
Is getting one of the Village People to moan out
your IP address in a "sexy" voice homophobic?
Our moral compass broke years ago, but the
giggleometer still works.
http://groanmyip.com/
>> Ed Wood novels <<
Ed Wood, tranny and film maker, is probably
known to you as the subject of the only truly
great film Johnny Depp has starred in. But did
you know he was an author? The subject matter
you can probably predict:
http://boo-hooray.com/ed-wood/ed-woods-sleaze-pape...
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Baby and bulldog snoozing
David Hart writes, "Seems a long time since any
cute kittens or animals. Maybe we can get it
rolling and keep the newsletter interesting for
my girlfriend with this." Sure to work if she
likes cute babies, or cute animals with similar
proportions to hairy, ugly, muscular babies.
http://www.YouTube.com/watch
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Bite-sized visual propaganda units YAY!
>> Plane landing, no front wheels <<
Especially worth watching if you're a nervous
flyer - look! Planes are safe, even when
important bits fall off!
http://t.co/GhpWLOGa
>> Louis Theroux, Adam Buxton, Joe Cornish dancing <<
Forever answering the question; which of these
nerdish titans has the best moves. BTW lest ye
mock, everybody danced this way in 1990. It was
acceptable at the time.
http://goo.gl/KMgJR
>> Shopping online/offline experience <<
Amusing ad for Google that explains why shopping
online is shit. Thanks guys - although our
massive laziness about leaving the house on a
drizzly morning can overcome pretty much any
obstacle.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Shopping_online_offline_...
>> FOX NEWS UK covers Occupy LSX <<
Hard to parody Fox, but this guy has a good old
go, sticking his mic in people's faces and
demanding to know when they're going to riot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Koi observation turret <<
Basically, turn a fish bowl upside-down and
float it on a circle of cork over a fish pond.
Those whimsical fishies can't resist swimming up
to gawp at the view! Or, more likely, continue
to lurk at the bottom, uninterested in anything
but food and occasionally savaging chunks off
the smallest fish.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Koi_Pearl
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Ha ha call a nurse we're going to stab our face
* FAT KID / JABBA THE HUTT - probably
photoshopped, definitely mean and absolutely
everywhere this week.
http://www.b3tards.com/u/fa2a3ab468c53bb760c2/jabb...
* HOW SAFE IS ONLINE BANKING? - a nice
reassurance from Barclays.
http://pic.twitter.com/rws3VQsr
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from "News / Computer Games" Challenge
Last week we wanted you to take any story from
the news and turn it into a fun game. Thanks to
Monkeon for the idea.
Our favourites included:
* JET SET WILLY AT #OCCUPYLSX - Miner Willy's
shows despite the millions he grabbed from
raiding that mine, he still considers himself
part of the 99%. (Moon Girl Technologies)
http://b3ta.com/board/10583244
* 80s RETRO GAME SIMULATOR - correctly pointing
out that no one has emulated the wider
experience of playing computer games in the 80s.
(Clay)
http://b3ta.com/board/10579024
* TWIN TOWERS TETRIS - if Al-Qaeda hadn't
crashed two passenger jets into the World Trade
Centre then how would B3ta have had anything to
photoshop? I think you see how we're joining the
dots here... (Mr Dogshit)
http://b3ta.com/board/10579368
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/newsintocomputergames/
>> New challenge: The b3ta City <<
If b3ta were a real metropolis, what would we
expect to see and do there? What would the
buildings look like? And the inhabitants?
Answers, please, in the form of this week's
challenge, as suggested by Bourbon Fox.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/b3tacity/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BRIAN BLESSED ALARM CLOCK - You might
remember Rich Gardener put together a
project where he got Brian Blessed to make a
SatNav. His plan now is to build an iPhone alarm
clock with Brian's voice so you can be woken up
with a Blessed shouting at you. Just like being
his wife. Watch the preview vid here - app to be
launched in Nov:
http://bit.ly/sp7fWF
* WHAT DIDN'T HAPPEN NEXT - TownsendsPublisher
writes, "Probably just a coincidence, but since
my suggestion for a subject line about the
newsletter being the "Guardian Guide's internet
page a day early" the Guardian Guide has stopped
running an internet page. Coincidence?" Hmm,
probably, though it always was fucking useless
- who wants a bunch of random links in a paper
based thingie?
* SHED OF THE YEAR 2012 - share your shed
writes, "2012 is the 6th year we have run Shed
of the Year competition - and you b3tans & the
Ginger Fuhrer have been great supporters over
the years - with a few mentions in the
newsletters and such, plus a shed is the perfect
retreat to browse b3ta :) This year not only do
we have Sheddies favorite Sarah Beeny as a
judge, we are now joined by author Neil Gaiman -
who writes his stuff in a shed."
http://goo.gl/3EV5w
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: FRIDAY GAME
See how far you can walk holding your breath
Can you get to your corner shop? The point of
this game is the same as all games - momentary
distraction during the inevitable trudge towards
death. Oh you want a flash game? Hmm. Ok, let's
imagine one. Frogger Motorway. The cars are too
fast to pass. You die, die, die, but eventually
you realise you can move backwards away from the
motorway and live out your days peaceably in an
unspoiled paradise. 5 stars, would play again.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MORSE CODE - Has anyone edited Inspector Morse
so he speaks only in bleeps, plus endless
perplexed faces pulled by Lewis?
* OS DUCKING - You know what we'd like built
into our OS? Ducking. Say I've got Spotify
playing some music - when I play a YouTube vid,
Spotify gets quieter
* "WE MISS YOU" - a collection of plaintive
emails from marginalised Web 2.0 sites asking
why you don't visit these days. (We even had one
from Dropbox recently, complaining we weren't
sharing files like we used to. *sings "you used
to bring me jpegs"*)
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. We Make £437 Every Day Working From
Home (printing out fake tenners). Stuff sent in
by (or nicked from) JohnMoynes, Mandrake,
mcgi5sr2, pissflaps, WiL, barryheadwound,
@davebirss, @denialvibes, @DaveExclamationMark
Subjlols via Saner. Top Tippery by PERSONALITY
HORSE. Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Get a large sausage, slice it lengthways to a
depth of about 2/3s its width, shove a
breadstick in. Now you have an inside-out
hotdog; the perfect mutant snack for Halloween.
