NEWSLETTER: "I PICKED THE WRONG DAY TO GIVE UP MOUSSAKA"
This Week:
* ELECTRIC DREAMS - Awesome tranny tribute
* HAKA - On heavy drugs
* PRISON - Your Christmas survival guide
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving our
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Euros in a big
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| piggy bank... together"
B3ta email 503 - 4th Nov 2011
Read this issue in brail with your (lady) penis:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue503/
Kisses: [email protected]
Pisses: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Inappropriately-named kids' toy
Iloveminge writes, "Was looking for a present
for my daughter for Crimbo and stumbled across
this. And no I didn't order one.... Klein 5219
Princess Coralie Make-up and Hairstyling Head 25
cm with make-up and Ass."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00272NHG...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Computers, Nostalgia, Ulrika and Miami Sweeney
>> Electric Dreams <<
"Riley here," growls Riley, "from the tranny
metal band Mechanical Black. We have just made
a music video tribute to the computer industry
with cameo appearances or messages from: Steve
Wozniak, Steve Jackson, Ian Livingstone, David
Warhol and many, many many more. Oh - did I
mention we are also trannies (who look
awesome)?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Peel Player <<
"Instant nostalgiagasm," offers DPD Nolan.If
you grew up in the 70s, 80s, or 90s, or indeed
00s and like music, you probably remember the
John Peel Festive 50s. So here's your chance to
listen to every single track, in sequence or at
random. "If you're going to be hypercritical,"
continues DPD, "There's too much fucking
Wedding Present."
http://peelplayer.com
>> Ulrika-ka-ka <<
"The latest from forthcoming concept album
'Oliver Pissed'," trills Fat Boab. Entertaining
comic opera stylings of the old-school variety.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ulrika
>> The Sweeney vs Miami Vice <<
"I wondered how the glamorous Miami Vice
opening titles would look if they used the same
stock footage as The Sweeney," explains Joe
Scaramanga. Interestingly, although 70s London
looks depressingly gritty, nowadays it's an
exotic enough place to set a drama.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Sweeney_vs_Miami_Vic...
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Racist Grandparents
Or, "Oh hai, racist users of b3ta!" as it very
quickly became known. Not our finest hour, but
the good stuff is still good:
http://b3ta.com/questions/racistgrandparents/
* "I know a lot of people have had a downer on
this week's question, but I've found it a
fascinating insight into the views of the
general public. It's a bit like pulling back the
covers to reveal the repressed feelings of
individuals who don't speak their mind only
because of fear of criticism rather than because
they think it's wrong. I'm mixed race and have
encountered my fair share of racism (mainly in
the 80s & 90s). It's still there, just whispered
rather than shouted. Anyway, my kids are mixed
race and for the time being oblivious to the
prejudice that exists in the world. One
afternoon over dinner, my father-in-law referred
to the guy over the road as "the coloured chap."
Cue my wife and I looking at each other aghast.
My boy, who's nearly four, piped up immediately,
"What, like the people in Avatar?" (BinDipper)
* "An old lady on the bus. When it was her stop
was struggling to get her ubiquitous old lady
shopping trolley down the step. A nice guy in a
turban who was getting on kindly helped her with
it. She said to him, "Thanks my dear, I hope
your head gets better soon." (sittingduck)
* "I'm nearly 40 and German... I think I got
this covered." (bierbelly)
>> This Week's Question - Tactless <<
As grandmasterfluffles puts it, "My ex once told
me, "That's the best sex I've ever had... Well,
apart from with my cousin...":
http://b3ta.com/questions/tactless/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> A survival guide to the UK prison system. <<
Interesting insight into what prison life is
like in the UK. Good info considering you're all
probably going to jail for downloading Bros CDs.
Might take you a few hours to read, so a useful
way of killing time.
http://issuu.com/prisonism/docs/hmp_a_survival_gui...
>> Cleaning up after the Japanese tsunami <<
So how is Japan six months later? The answer is
"Better but not exactly great". Hard to spin
this into a joke, really, as there's nothing
hugely funny about a country being trashed.
Interesting though.
http://goo.gl/TtLka
>> A font made of bacon <<
As if the font made of Llamas the other week wasn't
enough. Next week? A font made of vaginas.
http://goo.gl/iqd1z
>> Minge art <<
Speaking of ladybits, Lara writes, "Don't know if
you have featured this chap before - Jamie
McCartney - but he produces the most amazing
casts of any part of your body you desire. His
latest project is 'The Great Wall of Vagina'. I
could be there... but I couldn't possible say
as my mum might be reading this."
http://www.greatwallofvagina.co.uk/home
>> Funny magazine top tips <<
Compilations of this stuff never fail to amuse.
You should dedicate your life to sending mental
top tips in to Chat. eg. "Avoid strangers
starting conversations with you by walking
around with a cardboard box in your head and
muttering." Works for us anyway.
http://lifedeathtoptips.tumblr.com
>> Naughty website tricks <<
Lovely wiki of all the cunning bullshit website
bastards pull to fuck over the users. Kept us
busy for hours.
http://wiki.darkpatterns.org/Home
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Best name for a cute site ever.
http://thefluffingtonpost.com/
PS. We've just tried to play the 'famous site
VS fluff = new name' game and got 'Petflix'.
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Imagine if you could watch TV on your PC!!!
* MINI ROBOT RIDES BIKE - if someone could
import these in time for Xmas then every kid
would want one, to save the drudgery of having
to ride their own bikes.
http://goo.gl/D3kt7
* HAKA MIND-MELT - The Haka is a traditional Maori
war dance from New Zealand and adopted by their
rugby team. It's already odd, but this is
like the bad acid that makes you swear off
hallucinogenics and stick to booze.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Haka_on_Acid:2
* "I'VE GOT THE WEIRDEST BONER RIGHT NOW" -
Naked girls dancing on crutches. It's like a cam
into our mind.
http://t.co/kVvXhm7f
* TANK DOG - Small dog in tank costume. The
first line of defence, should Crufts ever be
dragged into World War 3.
http://t.co/dShvnoKA
* CONDOM APPLICATOR DESIGN - If you've ever
attempted to stick a rubber jacket on the old
chap you'll know it can be a tricksy affair.
Could this design solve all that fumbling? From
package to completion in three seconds.
http://su.pr/1yo51O
* IF QUAKE WAS MADE TODAY - Makes a critical
point about how hand-holdy modern games are. Not
like when we were kids, and games used to
literally stab you in the penis on level 1.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/If_Quake_was_done_today
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Still as funny as elbow cancer
* DICK WIFE - Is that a name or an instruction?
http://www.sord.nl/sord-people.html
* A BUBBLE THAT LOOKS LIKE A COCK - you'll think
'whatever', but if you look at the photo you'll
enjoy it.
http://goo.gl/3Hlwi
* BRILLIANT IDEA TO COMBAT DOMESTIC ABUSE -
we're so on this.
http://t.co/RDUzsa6I
* COCK-LIKE PRODUCT - clearly designed to look
like a cock in the hope idiots like us link to
it.
http://www.thebigchopper.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the B3ta City Challenge
Last week we wanted you to imagine a world in
which b3ta was a city:
Your favourites included:
* POPE - unwelcome evacuation from Catholic head
honcho (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10585728
* FAQ - if life were a messageboard, in a
nutshell (yanmania...)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10584441
* NAG - in which Jeremy the Annoying Horse
attacks Gotham (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10584408
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/b3tacity/
>> New challenge: Population <<
Earth's population has reached seven billion,
which is rather too much. This week's challenge
is to devise a solution to reduce the numbers,
using only the power of Photoshop.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/population/
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Celebrity Paedophile
Think of a name of a celebrity and google it
with the word "paedophile" and giggle at the
mentalists invariably accusing them of being
part of some Illuminati child-rape cult.
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* DRESS UP AS TONY BLAIR - go on chat roulette
with your cock out. That's what we do when we're
unemployed.
* WRITE A BOND THEME - Skyfall! (ba da dah) I've
had an Eyeful. (ba da dah) He's got a powerful
rainmaker. He loves only SKY! The plot? Liz
Jones stars as Bond Girl Ivanna Yor Jizz,
spunk-stealer of the financial elite in a
plot to sell the ill-gotten semen to women
aged 37-42.
* THE WORLD ACCORDING TO YOUTUBE COMMENTERS -
A is for Adele: "Adele reveals her celebrity
crush."  My god, who has she sat on now?
B is for Beyonce - "MILF!"
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by gxusm, robneymcplum,
@edent, Griffy Savalas. Top Tippery by
robneymcplum & uriba, @melat0nin, goatsy,
@user24, @Mark_Hurricane, benryves, jenthegr8,
chuff monkey, tacpprm, n.matthews, @bermsville
Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser
Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols
via Serge.
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
While enjoying a Friday night of beer-based fun,
bottle all your piss throughout the evening
and put it in the fridge before you go to bed.
Then the following evening you have 8 glorious
pints of ice-cold 'Carling' lager for free.
TOP TIP 2:
Have less than a day left to watch a download on
BBC iPlayer? Click. Watch a moment past the
ident - you now have six more days.
TOP TIP 2 (supplemental): Or just torrent it.
